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Advice and Questions - lots of them!


cassiesdaddy
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I am new to this whole ddlg thing... I recently got the feeling that this would be good for me and my wife. I would like your thoughts. Here is why I feel this way. We have been married for 3mo's. Our relationship is rocky often. I always come back to two thoughts as I go through our relationship. 1) She doesnt express how she feels nor will she really talk in-depth about her feelings. 2) At times I feel like I am dealing with a little girl who is sometimes poutty 8yro others a 15yro brat instead of the 28yro she is. She reverts to these ages at times when most would have emotions. I am a natural Caregiver and hopeless romantic. I love her with all my heart sometimes to my detriment. So here goes... she lies about a lot with really no reason too. Almost 99.95% of what she told me about who she was and her past was a lie. She also will not admit to a lie until she has no other choice or cannot figure out another lie to dispute the truth. I really dont care about her past but more so the lies I dont judge her for her past her lies though are a whole other story. I understand they're embarrassing to her. Her relationships in the past have always failed for the same reason lying, cheating, and drinking.

 

 have noticed somethings that again lead me to believe that she needs to let this little out. For example; when she is caught dead to rights she will act sheepish like a little girl... when she feels guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, or wants to hide something she acts like the teenager. Every argument we have been in has resulted in one of those to persons coming out it always feels like she is not all together or you're only getting part of her.  She just doesnt adult well. However, she is the greatest housewife ever. Please mis-understand I was an independent single dad prior to this I cook I clean I work I do it all I still try to help with those things though ive since conceded them to her. However, left to her own devices she cant make it on her own. When left on her own she resorts back to using her looks to get ahead although generally others run after they get what they want from her. She has been very promiscuous and all fine and good but it has only furthered this I am only worth my looks.   

 

She is also needy although it would be a cold day in hell before she would ever admit that... If I want to go to the store for example... I have to answer the following... why are you going? want me to come with? what are you getting? how long? which store? when will you be back? What is taking so long? She hates to be ignore though... boy let me tell you she hates if it take me longer than 15 minutes to reply im ignoring her... one time I said I was in a meeting she said you didnt tell me you had meeting... lmbo. I love her very much I can talk to her for days on end about anything literally we have taken 16hr rd trips 2x in the same week and not fought or killed each other. At times she is like my best friend we have fun anywhere we go. I guess the overall feeling I have is that she wants me to give her affection and love but doesn't know how to admit or acknowledge that is what she wants like doing so would make her weak. 

 

I also notice when it comes time for life choices she either wants me guide her or she will let me make the decisions almost entirely. She tries to take control of a situation but usually ends up offending or upsetting others when she does. When she is wrong she always turns it around and its your fault for example she will keep me on the phone until 3am... and then blame me for her not getting sleep lol. I have pretty much taken on a lot of what she neglected... with compassion... without prompting. I am trying to get her son back after she lost him we have been engaged in an epic court battle over the last 8mo's. And the last 3 have been most stressful and while she is amazing she has been unable to give me and the emotional attachment and support I need of course this sends me in to a tizzy as well. However, I dont think its cause she doesnt want to I dont think she knows how. I have sat down and tried to talk to her. I have demanded it. I have asked for it which is something that should not be asked for. Again I have always notice she is most honest and sincere when she resorts back to the little girls state I call it. Also I have threatened to punish her to which she also responds well. Also she wants to be taken care of I mean i get that feeling almost 100%... not gold digger like though I think she tried that route... She did have a very neglectful childhood I dont think she ever learned how to deal with issues. I feel like I have created a safe place for her and made her feel as if she is safe. Over the last month Ive begun to wonder if the DDLG and giving her a "little space" would help her deal with emotions. I have discussed it with her made a contract with her and she likes the idea. Although the little space is confusing to her... 

I dont know i have just been having these feeling for a while. As well I have the following questions... do you let your little call you baby? do you let your little be dominate in the bed?

 

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Though I've been interested in this lifestyle since my very first serious relationship (i was 17, he was 20), now I am 31, I never really "expressed" a little side until my current, and most serious relationship of my life.  At first, he seemed to be dominant and had CG-tendancies without even knowing about my ddlg tendancies, but as we got more sexual in our relationship (we are LDR), this whole other submissive side of him came out. 

 

He is brand spankin new (no pun intended) to ddlg/mdlb/cg, etc, but he is very much a switch when it comes to playtime, and sometimes we start off ddlg, and then we switch to him being submissive even in the same session.  Or sometimes, he'll flat out tell me--i'm going to use sfw words--"you're in charge today/tonight".  Or sometimes, he'll sort of act submissive throughout the day, and I have my pet name I call him when he's in that mindset.  He even calls it his own "little space" sometimes. 

 

Usually when he's stressed about life, he'll wake up little, then throughout the day either stay that way until night when we fall asleep on Skype together.  Sometimes, I'm Mommy all day, but rarely.  I would say out of all the times either of us are in "ddlg mode" (because half the time we're just ourselves as adults), but if either of us are little or BIG (me as Mommy or him as Daddy), 90% or the time, the other will follow suit and fall into the complimenting space, or just giggle and then continue being ourselves.

 

Sometimes either of us are in little mode, even non-sexually.  The other night he read a teenage book (my little age is around 11-15), and he let me choose the path (it was a choose your own adventure).  Another example, every night I make sure he has his water, and his alarms set for work, and doors are locked, even if I'm being little.  And if/when he is Daddy, he makes sure I have my stuffies and water. 

 

I know I sort of went off topic, but you seem to want some general advice, and the specific question about letting littles dominate. 

 

Overall, I'd like to say, you are a VERY  patient person for standing by your lady through all the complicated stuff you listed.  I think she generally just needs to work on loving herself, and finding her own self worth.  Daddies and Mommies and littles cannot validate or make the other person love themselves.  We are in charge of our own realities, and all we can do is stand by our loved ones, and support them...but....there is a line, as you know.  You can't be someones doormat or their entire skeleton. Just be supportive and "there" for them, but not at the expense of your own well being.

 

I heard a wise man say, "Don't give women ultimatums...as a man, you must make ultimate decisions, and stick by them.  That is your manhood, standing by your decisions." 

 

I'm a woman, but having a dominant and CG side and have a rough side as a female in general, and growing up with a bunch of boys, gives me a "man's pov", if you will.  I've also had work experience in male-dominated professions, so as a woman with a male-brain, I believe in that quote wholeheartedly, and I even try to educate my man with that wisdom, so that I can be a better woman for him.  YES, you should want her to get better, and support her though it, but at the same time, she has to want to better herself, and meet you halfway, so you both can grow happily together.  Congrats on ur newlywed status, and I wish you two the very best.  Sending positive vibes your way.

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Okay, so there is a lot going on in this post. A lot that can definitely stem from the DDlg dynamic and a lot that does not. For simplicity I am going to break it down into those two categories:

Little Side:

 

She (if you don't mind, I am going to use the name Jane Doe for her to make this easier) seems to have some quality traits you would see in a "typical" little - I will take a second to point out that there is no 'typical' little type, just shared traits - These seem to be Jane's clinginess, the need for you to guide her, her response to punishments and inability to coherently articulate herself at times. You will find these traits in a majority of littles while they are regressed or feeling their little identity more so than their adult identity. There is much to be said that it also sounds like regression and this dynamic sounds like it would be therapeutic for her. It sounds like Jane had a very rough childhood and adolescence from what you have described, even though she has lied about her past. Compulsive liars are compulsive liars for a reason. So given the fact she has so many "issues" with handling adult stuff as well as relationship issues (those exes of her's), I would lead to believe her life growing up wasn't the best - but that is ONLY based off of what you have provided, so I can't take great stock in that. If that makes sense. But if she did have a hard upbringing, reverting to a child-like nature can actually be a security blanket for her. It makes her feel less responsible for things around her, it means she can rely on you to make difficult decisions and that what she does wont really have consequences (like lying). 

 

It seems like Jane may be a troubled little without even knowing it. We all form a deep connection with this lifestyle and dynamic for different reasons - if she was to be a little at all, I would say it would be her safe space. And with that being a potential, it could also mean that *IF* she is little, that would be a great opportunity to help guide her in her progress of being able to deal with reality. Like an actual child, utilizing little space as a means to correct behavior can be extremely beneficial. You mentioned she seemed to respond well to punishments, yet has a hard time communicating. Those punishments can be coupled with rigid rules and both used to further her training. 

 

Example:

 

Rule - You must tell Daddy (or however you may identify with this situation) one thing that made you feel emotional today; happy, sad, excited, ect.

Punishment if not followed - You cannot have X or Y for the rest of the day.

 

Rule - You must never lie to Daddy

Punishment - Time out

 

And so on. Most DDlg couples cater their rules and punishments in ways that are meant to help the little (and the caregiver) become better people. Like I want my Daddy to enforce a bedtime to help my insomnia, to help me focus on my many art projects to progress my skill, etc. I know littles who need help in remembering their medication or to have a healthy diet (eating enough for the day, etc). It is very common to utilize this dynamic in this way, even if you are not a hardcore lifestyler. But that takes A LOT of work and patience to work out what is best for both of you. There will be trial and errors so don't give up if that is the path you two go down.

 

 

Other Side:

 

Little possibility aside - I will be blunt, it seems like your wife has some very serious mental hurdles to over come. I am not saying she has a mental illness (it would be presumptuous for me to do so without knowing her/her situation), but I am saying there are some blocks she has that need to be worked out for both of you. The obsessive clinginess, though can be a trait of a little, can also be attributed to many other things, one of which being just that. Obsessive. A big thing I see that would help Jane a lot is if she was able to somehow work on her independence. Yes, yes, if she is a little, the neediness is understandable. Trust me, I know. But even littles need to be able to stand on their own two feet as an adult with day to day life - especially when an actual child is in the mix. In this case, the dynamic can help, but I wouldn't put all of my eggs in one basket for this. Communication seems to be the biggest factor with Jane, and therefore seems to be the biggest thing she needs to work on. Even if it is you saying "listen, I am going to work today, I may be able to respond to your texts, I might not. Know I love you and I will when I can." And then NOT being at her beck and call. A way to help her is to literally ween her off of the enabled obsessive behavior.  Of course she should always be able to count on you, but she needs to be able to function without you. And without you responding within 15 minutes. 

 

Another thing I see (from what little I have read) - a good way to help her is to let her live out the consequences of her actions. If she offends someone or upsets someone, you need to let her live with those consequences of her actions. That is how we all learned at a young age that spewing hate and disrespect is not okay. Coming in and saving the day so she avoids that, wont help in the long run. Jane is going to need to be uncomfortable and upset in order to grow. She is going to need to get out of her comfort zone (where you save her) in order to see that this action is okay and that action is not.

 

--------

 

All in all I commend your love and devotion to her. And from what you have read, I can see her love for you as well. But you need to remember two things: 1. You can't help those who wont help herself. If this behavior is something you can live with for the rest of your life, then it will ultimately be okay. But if it isn't something you can, then you need to see if she is actually wanting to help herself. If it is one sided, coming only from you, then it will never take root and you will be running into the wall for the rest of your marriage. 2. Bringing this dynamic to her may cause many different reactions. She may find it disgusting and along the lines of pedophilia (WHICH IT IS NOT IN ANY WAY!) simply because of the stigma associated with the lifestyle. She may to take to it like a fish to water, but then go overboard with it - a few littles have done this. They find this lifestyle as a way to NEVER have to deal with the adult world, which is extremely unhealthy. So she may see that "opportunity" as well. I mean this with the utmost respect (and based off of very little information) - the picture you have painted is that you are the more stable of the two of you, that means you will have an added responsibility to create a balance in exploring and experiencing this dynamic if she is keen. Which will be a lot of work. But it is doable. Just remember to take it slow and move forward with baby steps, no matter how impatient things may feel.

 

I truly hope you both find a balance and find a way that makes you both feel happy, secure and fulfilled. Best of luck! :heart:

 

[Everything I have said was written with the understanding that I am basing my assumptions off of one side of the story and not having nearly enough information - many of this can be wrong, many can be right, so take everything with a grain of salt. Only the OP knows of the situation well enough to make any judgement calls - these were my opinions from the post he made.]

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I have heard of similar cases... is she by any chance foreign? you can't blame language/cultural barrier for everything, however sometimes those make us over see problems and think they are not as bad as we think... and often guys get blinded by the sexy exotic looks. However if she is not foreign and you knew from the start, then please take a look in the mirror and wonder if you just want to "save" her, because that is not healthy for either of you.

 

She is already acting like a little so you might as well go with it since it sounds like a pretty natural relationship for you guys. I don't think however this is the answer to your prayers if that makes sense. It is very frustrating to deal with a compulsive liar.

 

At the end of the day she is just hurting herself and her looks will not last forever. I have met a few and they end up with a sad lonely life. It's disturbing to watch how they refuse to get help or even admit there is a problem, I would think it's best to go to a therapist.

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