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Dad jokes... The punnier the better


Mr.Hoolig4n D@ddy
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How does NASA organise a party?

They planet!

 

There's a new type of broom out

It's sweeping the nation

 

There was a kidnapping earlier

I woke him up

 

How do you make holy water

You boil the hell out of it

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whats forest gumps password?

1forest1 

 

what time do you go to the dentist?

tooth-hurty

 

why dont they play cards in the jungle?
too many cheetahs 

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I used to have a job at a calendar factory but i got the sack cuz i took a couple of days off.

 

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

 

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'

 

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, 'ribbit, ribbit' and a horney yoad says, 'rub it, rub it'.

 

I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best damn program I've ever seen.

 

Don't trust atoms.

They make up everything.

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White horse walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a whiskey

Bartender says to the horse "you know there's a whiskey named after you right?"

Horse: "what? There's a whiskey named Clyde?"

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Parallel lines have so much in common but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

 

Two walnuts and a cashew get into a fight in a bar. The cashew says, "Pecan somebody your own size!"

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How do you get pikachu on a bus?

You poke-em-on

 

Did you hear about the guy who cut off his cats tail mowing the lawn? He took him to Wal-Mart because they're the nations largest retailer

 

How much does a hipster weigh?

About an instagram

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  • 1 month later...
Why is Peter Pan always flying? ...Because he neverlands! (This joke never gets old *badumtss*)

*Backs up car* Ahh, this takes me back...

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? ...A Labracadabrador!

Hi dad, did you get your hair cut? ...No, I got them all cut

 

The man said that he could see that my glass is empty and asked if I would like another one ..."Why would I want two empty glasses?"

 

Why did the old lady fall down the well? ...She didn't see that well (...)

 

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing!

Is there a hole in your shoe? ..."No"... Then how did you get your foot in there?

*Driving past cemetery*

Did you know that all the people who live around here aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?
"No, why aren't they?"
...Because they aren't dead yet


My wife gave birth today.

I thanked the doctor, pulled him aside and asked him "How soon do you think we will be able to have sex?" 
to which he answered "I'm off duty in 5, meet me in the parking lot" and winked


Here is a darker one:

Whats the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them~

Edit: just noticed an obvious typo ><''
Edited by Amai
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What type of shoes does a registered sex offender wear?

 

White Vans

 

Why did the aluminum can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing

 

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

 

What you call a boomerang that doesn't come back

A stick

 

What did the ocean say when it met the shore?

Nothing it just waived

 

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

A little hoarse

 

Do you know how to make holy water?

You boil the “Hell” out of it 

 

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer yesterday

I don't know what he “laced” them with… but I've been “tripping” all day

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You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.
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Guest LittleQueenNikki13

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "The end is nigh!"

It must have been Farmer Geddon


I just had to take my chameleon to the vets because he cant change colour anymore...

He has been diagnosed with reptile dysfunction


Anyone wanna swap some bum jokes?

I've got piles.
 

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Guest starsInTheNight

I could tell you the joke about the pizza but I can't, it's too cheesy :/

 

but I can tell you how many tickles it takes to make a Octopus laugh. It's ten-tickes !

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What’s the only button that can’t button?

 

A belly button.

 

Why couldn’t you hear the ptradactyl go to the bathroom?

 

Because the p is silent.

 

What bow can’t be tied?

 

A rainbow.

 

 

 

 

How about a dirty joke?

 

A man in a white suit, on a white horse, falls in the mud.

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A dylexic man walks into a bra...

 

Why can't a bicycle stand up?
​Because it's two tired

 

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the bartender says,

"I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

 

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

Get in the Batmobile

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