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Daddy who is afraid of the commitment of a ddlg relationship... advice please?


Guest Auroraa
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Guest Auroraa

There’s a part of me that feels silly for posting this because I know what I’d say to someone else if they came to me with what I’m about to write – that it’s up to their own heart, that they know their situation the best – that it depends on what they need and desire most in their life. And I'm not even really sure what to title this.

 

I’ve been in a relationship with someone on and off for more than ten years. We met very young, split apart, lived our lives, but we always seem to come back to each other. We’ve both grown and evolved over time and with each meeting, there’s more to learn about each other.

 

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can’t hide anymore – I don’t want to bend to expectations or condense myself into something that I’m not. Not just in this relationship, but with everything. My life looks drastically different now than it did two years ago. I’m okay with taking risks and following passion even though I know it doesn’t always work out… something else always ends up falling into place at some point.

 

This time, as he and I have started to get to know each other I’ve been more open with ‘little me’. He knew a bit about it years ago, but it was more playful than anything. It was just an extension of the D/s dynamic that we were exploring at the time. We’ve always been open with each other’s desires and took joy in exploring our sensuality and sexuality.

 

But it hasn’t been until recently, that I really even realized that ‘being little’ was a ‘thing’. I knew that ddlg existed but I didn’t know that it brought me joy, or that the relationship dynamic was actually what I’ve been searching for all along. I don’t want to be little 24/7, but there are days when I’m comfortable, that I’m certainly more in that mindset than not. It’s something that brings me a great amount of joy, and it’s taken a long time to admit that – getting over shame, confusion, and actually embracing more of myself.

 

There’s a long and complicated history between us, and the relationship hasn’t always been healthy and I can admit that, but I can also say that we’ve done a lot of work on ourselves individually and are working on our relationship together. I felt more comfortable opening up, things were good between us, and he seemed welcoming of me being little – but it was in small doses, and it didn’t really click with him when I was talking about how I felt and what I liked until recently. He looked into ddlg, and I was honestly so surprised and excited that he seemed to embrace it as much as he did. He said a lot of things ‘made sense’, he ‘got it more’.

 

But then things got weird.

 

He opened up to me, saying that it’s a lot of responsibility – that me wanting rules – or rather for him to just be particularly active in my daily life … knowing my routines, checking in, guidance, and so on, how he doesn’t want to have to ‘baby’ me.

 

I know him, and at first he often gets overwhelmed with everything. And it takes him a while to become invested in anything – he’s hesitant to try the commitment.

 

As we were talking, I realized that he too felt shame and guilt for liking the dynamic – he likes some of it, just he wants it more or less when it’s convenient for him and is worried about taking it further.

 

This comes down to his personality and his desires, I think. Being slow to start and having trouble investing commitment, mainly for fear of disappointing himself if he feels like he failed at something.

 

I know I can’t make him do anything that he doesn’t want to do. And I know that it has to come down to me deciding what’s more important in my life, what I need.

 

But I feel bad about wanting a certain kind of relationship and a certain kind of daddy.

 

It confuses me because I can feel how much he enjoys the ddlg aspect of our relationship – and then suddenly he shuts down and I feel dropped.

 

Does anyone know how to handle this emotional situation with a little bit of grace? Because honestly, I’m just sad and hurt and confused. I feel bad for wanting what I do, and I thought that I was over that. It’s difficult having a partner in life that can fulfill so much, but isn’t the daddy that I really need. I know he could be, and I know a part of him wants to be… but there’s this weird block I can’t place, and I don’t know if I need to walk away or give it time.

 

It came to a point where I had to clearly ask him – do you like this, do you like being a daddy? And he’d respond, I like making you happy. I said I know, but would you like it anyway? He said yes, and I believe him… but it makes it more confusing.

 

Has anyone experienced this with their caregiver? Have any caregivers felt like they were slow to start or nervous? Was there anything that helped? Could it just be that it’s taking him time to learn and feel comfortable? I can’t really speak from a caregiver’s perspective, but if it took me some time to get comfortable with myself, I’m sure it is the same for them too.

 

I’m sorry this is so long, I hope it doesn’t seem pointless and it makes some kind of sense. I just feel at a loss right now.

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Guest Sweetie77

Oh Aurora I am so sorry for your anguish!

Knowing what you know of him, maybe time is what he needs. Like you said, it took you time to feel comfortable with who you really were and what you wanted, so maybe for him, too. So maybe give it a little more time, what you feel is appropriate based on your experience with him.

I think most of us have had a period of adjustment and growth while figuring ourselves out.

I really hope that is the case for you two. Best of luck and keep us posted.

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Guest QueenPrincess

Not pointless at all, even if none of us can give you "the answer," writing it out and putting it into the world is usually a good thing in itself

 

I will start with a nugget that stood out to me as answerable, the conversation about whether he really enjoys it or not: I have been with people with veeeerrrry different interests than myself. Foot fetishes and one with a thing for giants, for example. In both cases I formed my own connection to the fetish. It probably wasn't the same for me as it was for them, but I meant it when I told them I enjoyed participating.

 

Are there things that I just couldn't get with? For sure. Chances are, especially if you've dabbled before, he's telling the truth about enjoying the play in his own way.

 

I would say there's a lot to process. You've only come completely in touch with it over a couple of years right? As someone who's been a Domme before, there's a good bit of pressure in someone so wholeheartedly and all at once saying "I want you to take control MORE."  It wasn't that I didn't want to, it just felt like being assigned to write a novel with no story ideas initially lol. 

 

The most actionable thing I can think of for you to do is focus on affirming what's already going well. Making it a point going forward to say how much you love the ddlg associated things he's already doing or dipping his toe into will be what motivates him to initiate and participate in things more in the future (in my experience). Let him pick up his own momentum so to say?

 

It sounds like a situation with potential, try not to get down just yet  :)

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You seem to know plenty and this posting seems be more reflective about your own thoughts and feelings. You seem intelligent and insightful enough to figure a person out that is that close to you. 

 

I would refrain from giving advice to someone who has the ability to give themselves their own best answer. Maybe I had a issue like this and the real issue was perspective I needed a fresh one and to step away for awhile to think...Ultimately though I should have thought a little harder! Too late now

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Hi Auroraa! I think if someone ISN’T initially overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a Daddy or Caregiver, it means they are in a D/lg relationship either without understanding or care for their little. I would take it as an excellent sign that he’s approaching this with such sobriety. It tells me that he’s interested in building trust with you. He doesn’t want to mess this up. I hope this proves to be true for you; he sounds like a fantastic guy!
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Well...I know that at first my papa was afraid to be papa, because he was scared that I would always be little...which would be an issue, because he is also little (we are both kind of switches in that area).  It could be that he does want to be your daddy, very badly, he's just afraid that you will be little all the time, or want to do diapers or binkies or bottles, or things he's just uncomfortable with, and rather than asking you and talking it out, he's trying to hide his fear from you.

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