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Anxiety and Depression - Is this a given with DDLG?


JohnApple
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I'd like to start off by saying I mean absolutely no disrespect by this thread, as I might come off as insensitive but it is definitely not my intention. I hope that's not the case, as this has been going through my mind for quite some time and I would really like to talk about it openly and get others' feedback.

 

So, I've been into DDLG for nearly 6 years now. I've had a handful of DDLG relationships in that time, and a plethora of little and daddy dom friends. It's been, for the most part, fun to get to know all these unique people and personalities, but I've noticed there is one thing that all of them seem to have in common: depression and anxiety.

 

It seems that nearly every little, and even most daddies, that I've come across has stated that they suffer from these two conditions. Now this of course doesn't bother me, but it does have an impact on me when it comes to a relationship. Generally speaking, I'm a very happy-go-lucky person. I do not suffer from anxiety nor depression, and despite my best efforts, I really can't relate with someone that does,

 

This had lead to two problems. Number one, it typically means I am unable to properly care for and comfort my little during an episode. Like I said, I *try* to help to the best of my ability- I really do. But as someone that never gets those feelings, it's very difficult to relate and to know what to say. Number two, after a while it begins to take a toll on me. Even though I'm very cheery and positive, over enough time the depression and anxiety from my little begins to affect me and I start to become unhappy. Again, because I'm not "equipped" to deal with this, it tends to affect the relationship.

 

Ultimately my two questions are:

 

A.) Does DDLG automatically assume depression and anxiety? Don't get me wrong- I totally understand why there seems to be a high number of sufferers in this community. It makes sense. But does DDLG guarantee these conditions?

 

B.) Am I a bad person for not wishing to pursue a relationship with someone who has these conditions? I *want* to in theory, but at the end of the day I do need to consider my own health and I do not feel like exposing myself to depression and anxiety is good for me especially when I am not the best with handling the side effects.

 

Again, I hope this does not come off as insensitive. It is something that continuously bugs me, because I feel guilty for feeling this away about it. I am interested in others' thoughts and hopefully I can gain some more insight on the subject.

 

Thank you for reading!

-A

Edited by JohnApple
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Guest Beardless Viking

A ) Does DDLG automatically assume depression and anxiety?
No it does not. However a large number of Littles do suffer from anxiety and depression. A lot of them, at least from my experience, use Littlespace as an escape from their mental health issues, and they are the reason they're into DDlg and similar dynamics in the first place. There are plenty of Littles without issues like these. I think if you take any group of people, you'll find that plenty of them have mental health issues like anxiety and depression, because we live in a world that breeds mental health issues, so it makes sense that you'd find sufferers of mental health issues in this community as well.

B ) Are you a bad person for not wishing to pursue a relationship with someone who has these conditions? 
Absolutely not. It's your life, and you're free to pursue whatever you'd like to pursue. I think it's good that you're aware of your limits when it comes to relationships, and what you can handle and can't handle, it means you're less likely to hurt someone. 

 

Edited by Beardless Viking
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A ) Does DDLG automatically assume depression and anxiety?

No it does not. However a large number of Littles do suffer from anxiety and depression. A lot of them, at least from my experience, use Littlespace as an escape from their mental health issues, and they are the reason they're into DDlg and similar dynamics in the first place. There are plenty of Littles without issues like these. I think if you take any group of people, you'll find that plenty of them have mental health issues like anxiety and depression, because we live in a world that breeds mental health issues, so it makes sense that you'd find sufferers of mental health issues in this community as well.

 

B ) Are you a bad person for not wishing to pursue a relationship with someone who has these conditions? 

Absolutely not. It's your life, and you're free to pursue whatever you'd like to pursue. I think it's good that you're aware of your limits when it comes to relationships, and what you can handle and can't handle, it means you're less likely to hurt someone. 

 

 

 

Thanks for this, I really appreciate it.

 

Yes, I definitely understand why certain dynamics, especially DDLG, would "attract" those with anxiety and/or depression. It does make sense, as it's a perfect medium for escaping from those feelings and freeing up the mind from stress.

 

I bring this up because I don't think I've ever had a little SO nor little friend that *didn't* suffer from anxiety or depression. I was beginning to think that this may not be the dynamic for me, but your post definitely makes me feel better about it.

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Guest pacibrat

You aren't a bad person for not wishing to pursue a relationship with people who have anxiety and/or depression.  I don't have either one.  I'm a very happy go lucky, rainbows kind of person most days and what happens to me when I'm in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and/or depression is I spend a lot of my time trying to make them feel happy, cheer them up, calm them down, etc.  I do this at the expense of myself. It starts to wear on even the brightest, happiest people including me.

 

I've only had one Daddy and he was a good Daddy until his depression hit again. Then, he eventually got to a point where he just couldn't be my Daddy at all. :(  I spent a lot of time trying to help him and cheer him up.  We are still friends and he's still depressed.  Of course I'm cheerful for him, but I don't have to give all of myself because it isn't a romantic relationship.

 

There's nothing wrong with having anxiety, depression or any mental illness.  I have close family members with these disorders.  We do all have the right to make a choice the same way people choose people solely for physical attributes or age.

 

Since I don't have much experience with this community, I can only reference my prior Daddy.  I did ask the person I'm talking to now if he has depression because I've been through that and I don't want to go through it again.  It was VERY painful.

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You aren't a bad person for not wishing to pursue a relationship with people who have anxiety and/or depression.  I don't have either one.  I'm a very happy go lucky, rainbows kind of person most days and what happens to me when I'm in a relationship with someone who has anxiety and/or depression is I spend a lot of my time trying to make them feel happy, cheer them up, calm them down, etc.  I do this at the expense of myself. It starts to wear on even the brightest, happiest people including me.

 

I've only had one Daddy and he was a good Daddy until his depression hit again. Then, he eventually got to a point where he just couldn't be my Daddy at all. :(  I spent a lot of time trying to help him and cheer him up.  We are still friends and he's still depressed.  Of course I'm cheerful for him, but I don't have to give all of myself because it isn't a romantic relationship.

 

There's nothing wrong with having anxiety, depression or any mental illness.  I have close family members with these disorders.  We do all have the right to make a choice the same way people choose people solely for physical attributes or age.

 

Since I don't have much experience with this community, I can only reference my prior Daddy.  I did ask the person I'm talking to now if he has depression because I've been through that and I don't want to go through it again.  It was VERY painful.

 

Thanks pacibrat, you summed up my thoughts rather nicely. When I am in a relationship with someone with depression, I do find myself spending all my time trying to cheer them up to no avail, which in turn makes me sad.

 

Of course there is nothing wrong with having anxiety or depression, (I too have family members and friends with it) but when it comes to a romantic relationship, it's a whole different experience and I need someone who can more closely match my emotions.

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Guest QueenPrincess

I think it's one of your deal-breakers. Not just an okay thing! Good thing! It means you've gained something from your past relationship ending. I am queen of dealbreakers: I don't date super observant people! I don't date people who are afraid of rollercoasters! I think some people would look at my list of dealbreakers and say it's downright silly but I know what works with me, and while I could date a guy who is incredibly observant and be fine for the first three months, it would be arguably *irresponsible*, because I know what happens down the road. And it's painful for everyone involved when a long-term relationship comes to a close.

 

That said, be gentle when broaching the subject as you get to know people. And maybe... maybe don't specify why you aren't compatible? 

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Guest pacibrat

I think it's one of your deal-breakers. Not just an okay thing! Good thing! It means you've gained something from your past relationship ending. I am queen of dealbreakers: I don't date super observant people! I don't date people who are afraid of rollercoasters! I think some people would look at my list of dealbreakers and say it's downright silly but I know what works with me, and while I could date a guy who is incredibly observant and be fine for the first three months, it would be arguably *irresponsible*, because I know what happens down the road. And it's painful for everyone involved when a long-term relationship comes to a close.

 

That said, be gentle when broaching the subject as you get to know people. And maybe... maybe don't specify why you aren't compatible? 

 

I'm so curious about why you don't date super observant people?  Not that I am really, I'm just curious! :D

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Guest aphroditelaughs

I also have noticed a lot of mental health issues, but like others have mentioned, it's just part of being human. I DO suffer from mental health issues and it makes relationships extremely difficult. There are days where I can hardly get out of bed and my partner (who also suffers from similar conditions) has to pick up the slack. I do the same for him. But I'd be lying if i said it was fun or easy. But I am equipped to handle such a situation and there's a precarious kind of intimacy that comes with mental illness.

 

There is absolutely no shame in wanting a healthy relationship. It's not a romantic struggle.

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Guest QueenPrincess

I'm so curious about why you don't date super observant people?  Not that I am really, I'm just curious! :D

Oh boy *cracks knuckles*

No but really, it points to such a different way of interacting with the world. I'm all about ideas and while I appreciate a different perspective, I still want to talk ideas not... concrete things? When someone talks a lot about physical minutia I just stop perking up when they speak and even become avoidant, because it exhausts me. 

 

Also I have NO IDEA WHERE MY BODY IS IN SPACE OR TIME, EVER. So I generally annoy the observant person. And then they point out all the ways I wibble-wobble through life and I'm all like "Oh gee, I was so happy when I could just wander aimlessly without you poking at it  :blush: I'd like you gone now so I could be happy and lost some more"

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Guest JayRingo77

Brain is a little fried from class so going to try and be succinct.  

 

1: While I've noticed an increased incidence of anxiety and depression among this community, it has not led me to assume anyone I meet will have these conditions or celebrate when I meet someone who does not.  Some of this comes from my work, I don't assume anything during an intake interview and take active measures to avoid projecting on the client.  Remaining neutral is not easy so don't feel bad over-characterizing.   

 

2: Quite the opposite, I wish MORE caregivers were so self-aware in admitting they're not equipped to provide the support someone with clinical (diagnosed or not) anxiety and depression requires.  Your decision to abstain from these relationships is something to commend.

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Guest PianoPlayer

No, ddlg doesn't assume depression and anxiety. Regression is a coping mechanism and since that's often a part of ddlg for littles, there are many littles you will find who suffer from depression or anxiety. 

Of course you're not a bad person. Everyone has different preferences. 

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I'm a little with depression and anxiety and in no way is it wrong for you not to want a relationship with someone with those conditions. I would feel super bad if I was affecting someone who I would be in a relationship like that.
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Guest bunnybear11

I'm not depressed or have anxiety. Of course a little anxiety sometimes is normal, but I used to go to a shrink and was not diagnosed with either of these things.

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i certainly hope that this perception is not widespread. There is enough prejudice, misconception and bad feelings toward this branch of kink.

No, i do not suffer from any mental health issues. i am fully stable and have no kind of depression or anxiety disorder.

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Mental illness is very common in these types of circles. There's nothing wrong with that. 

You don't have to want to pursue a relationship with someone suffering from any mental illness; anxiety, depression, ED's, personality disorders, etc. 
It does not make you a bad person. 
I generally dont want to be with people that share my afflictions. And that is 100% OK.

Just treat them like you would anyone else.

Anyone else that tells you that you have to can eat shit. 

Edited by meows senpai
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Guest Urthurs

People who crave something deeper or just different to find happiness, but still has to go through the pointless mundane everyday life, can easily end up with these issues. It's no surprise it's a pretty common thing in the BDSM world.

Does staying away from other peoples issues, because they might harm yourself, make you "bad"? I don't think so.

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A] No. If anything, I would argue DDLG and maybe BDSM in general is for more reflective people. If done well, it's an extremely delicate emotional journey making for a unique, memorable experience with each other. It's important to be very aware of yourself and your partner before committing to that sort of thing. Reflection often comes after a lot of stress, as does depression/anxiety. It makes sense to find overlap, but I'm happy it's not a prerequisite.

 

B] Any preference is valid. You shouldn't settle, and no one wants to be the person someone "settles" with, as it will forever leave anxiety they might find someone better to run away with. When I commit, it's because at that point, I wouldn't know how I could possibly like this person more, and I want them to know that.

Edited by DreamingDesire
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I can totaly agree with all that was said before... you need to know where your limits are (mentally and physically!)

 

and yes- i think in these days A LOT of people suffer from mental health issues (not only in this community).

 

Since i suffer from mental health issues as well, i always thought that i am drawn to bdsm because of this...but i think we have to differ. one is sexual preference and one is mental health issues..

of course it effects each other but its not depending on each other?!

What i mean is: you can have depression and be into ddlg, and over the time you can heal your mental health but still be into ddlg.

 

But what i saw over the years and i myself made the same mistake...we are looking for a cure in someone/ something else.

this is not healthy- because as you said- you are not qualified to help someome with their mental health issues. (and this is not only in the ddlg community) and its not what you are supposed to do in a relationship.

But- and i am speaking from my angle of view , suffering from mental health issues a long time- i want my loved ones to understand and to accept me and my struggles.

but i dont need them to help me/ cheer me up / etc...for all of those things i go to a therapist and work on my own...

i only need all my loved ones (not only my partner but also friends and family) to understand that i will sometimes get panic attacs..or cant do something...etc.

 

long story short:

only oneself can cure his or hers mental health(with a lot of patience, help from proffesionals etc.) There is noone else responible for this. Relationships (partner, family, friends) are there for you to stay by your side, get your back while you are fighting your demons and when you are done fighting they will drink a cup of tea with you ;)

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I think that the little is probably more aware of her own needs...and this comes from being introspective and from being lucky enough to discover this dynamic. When you are self aware you are also inclined to be aware if you have anxiety, etc. A lot of people have no idea they are clinically anxious or depressed, we don't hear from them lol. Littles are more self aware and more willing to disclose their needs so it may seem like there's a disporportionate number of littles with issues. Cheers and happy Dec 1st
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To your first question: No, there is no such relation. I have conversed with plenty of people who weren't depressed or dealt with anxiety within this lifestyle.

 

To your second question: No, it doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone has certain preferences who they would want to date and we are not supposed to be people who should judge another based on that.

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A personal anecdote: as a teenager I became convinced that it was normal to think about committing suicide at some point. My reason was simply this: most people who I talked with honestly and openly told me they had and then I found out a few people did who I would have thought highly unlikely to have these thoughts. My conclusion was, it probably happens to everyone. I only became convinced that this assessment was wrong after talking to a friend last year who was absolutely devastated when I told her. She understands that it's my experience but it's far from anything she'd think of as normal. ^_^ Life is funny sometimes. We all experience things so differently.

 

(Of course I already thought it seemed unlikely to be as universal as I once believed but it was the first time I brought it up and had someone confirm they actually had never had thoughts like that. In retrospect this means that for 15 years of my life absolutely every person I knew turned out to have suicidal thoughts once I knew them well enough. It's a staggering thought. Maybe I'll try to calculate the odds one day.)

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(Of course I already thought it seemed unlikely to be as universal as I once believed but it was the first time I brought it up and had someone confirm they actually had never had thoughts like that. In retrospect this means that for 15 years of my life absolutely every person I knew turned out to have suicidal thoughts once I knew them well enough. It's a staggering thought. Maybe I'll try to calculate the odds one day.)

 

It's actually not as unlikely as it may seem. Most people don't talk about it once you first get to meet them, and we only become really great friends with people we have a lot in common with. There's a lot of statistical impossibilities on this forum if it were really a random sample of the population, but it almost never is :D

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