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Being judged and shunned within a heavily judged group/kink (rant)


blarghblargington
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I find it absolutely astounding on how often I get judged and shunned within the DDLG community. I am a man in a semi open marriage. My wife is not in to DDLG at all. I can chat, flirt, look, etc, but no touching. So, logically, I look to the internet to explore this side of my self.

 

Now, DDLG is a heavily judged group. People that don't understand think we are sick. Fine, whatever. Just because you don't understand, like, or accept something does not make it wrong. But even within the DDLG community I am some kind of pariah.

 

I have been looking on here with little luck. Put a personal out, got two responses, one of which was from a male when I said I am straight and looking for a female little, and the other, got ignored after the initial greeting. Other than that, most of the women I have tried to converse with have ignored me. Fine. Not everyone is interested, etc.

 

So, off to kik and groups there. Except it is far worse there. Either they are all underage, and let's not even go there, or I join a group, introduce my self, and get removed because they think I am a cheater or "just thirsty" (God I am tired of that term). Or, like today, I missed a validation sentence from the rules, got booted, no big deal, rejoined, mentioned I missed it, said it, got booted anyway and the admin told me I am not a good fit and came too strong and forward with my information. I was in the group for less than 2 minutes and all I said was my intro.

 

They suggested I not throw out white so Mich info and ease in tonite later, but when I tried that before, I was booted for "deceiving people and being a thirsty cheater."

 

I feel like punching a wall in frustration. This community (in general, not the forum group specifically) is one of the most heavily judged ones I have ever heard of. You would think that the people involved in this would be a bit more understanding.

 

Rant over.

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Guest Georgia-Daddy2
People are going to judge no matter where you go. If you aren't part of the "Norm" for that group. It's just the way society is and nobody can change it.
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I'm so sorry you're being treated that way. It's not right at all. I do understand where you are coming from. I am married to a wonderful vanilla man who has zero interest in my kinks (outside of the occasional sadistic topping in the bedroom) and even less interest in my middle side. He tolerates my need for stuffies and etc as me being eccentric. After a very long time of us being miserable, we came to an agreement. I can look outside the marriage for my middle needs, he is fully aware of it and supports me in it 100%. 

 

I am not sure if you have tried it but Fetlife has a decent grouping. Don't get me wrong you have your crazies, fakes and etc just like anywhere but I have always had a good experience there. 

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People are going to judge no matter where you go. If you aren't part of the "Norm" for that group. It's just the way society is and nobody can change it.

 

 

Sad, but very true.

 

 

I'm so sorry you're being treated that way. It's not right at all. I do understand where you are coming from. I am married to a wonderful vanilla man who has zero interest in my kinks (outside of the occasional sadistic topping in the bedroom) and even less interest in my middle side. He tolerates my need for stuffies and etc as me being eccentric. After a very long time of us being miserable, we came to an agreement. I can look outside the marriage for my middle needs, he is fully aware of it and supports me in it 100%.

Thank you for the support. 

 

I am not sure if you have tried it but Fetlife has a decent grouping. Don't get me wrong you have your crazies, fakes and etc just like anywhere but I have always had a good experience there.

 

I started to sign up for it the other day, but it wanted a phone number for verification and I keep things that personal from that aspect of my life. It really irritates me when sites do that. Let me verify in email or something.

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I hear you completely, my background was bdsm before I found ddlg. And oh how it would make fellow kinksters squirm if they knew I was a fully grown woman with a raging little side. Who would think feel safe, secure and guided by a senior male or enjoying colouring and Disney was so evil and perverted.

 

I have been to some pretty large events including ddlg and ageplay ones with the promise of meeting up with littles I have spoken to for months to be publically ignored. And I realised two things (and maybe this will help others facing these issues).

One, there is no real community it is a myth. Yes this site is pretty good getting advice and ideas but out there in the real world where people actually converse and meet up regularly, nope trying to get a group of littles to actually pick a time and commit often. Unless its a big event it doesnt happen. And the reason I avoid big kik groups (I have a teeeeny one and its staying teeeny) or chat rooms because thats where people become keyboard warriors. Ive had many a similar experience to you and its frustrating that most the owners of such groups are power mad because they own a chat group and their own ignorance comes out instead of letting chat to flourish.

 

I think one issue with the ddlg world is alot of people are living up to the stigma we all face. I.e littles are people with personal issues who are flakey and cant cope as adults so choose this lifestyle. Myself and maybe 3 other people I known in the lifestyle actively step away from that and talk about other stuff then their own problems constantly. Or refrain from attention seeking behaviors. And the daddies stigma is usually some pervy old man who is hiding secrets. Again theres a few lovely, honest men out there. But the amount of weirdos you have to wade through to chat to one is well sad and creepy. Like this week someone actually started a message with 'Hows your vagina?' Really and then you want to come across as a decent man?

 

So I think you see my point, the ddlg community has massive flaws as you have found. And alot of them is because we dont get out and meet in real life, and alot of members live up to such damaging stigma. So people like you and me and a few others have to put up with judgement and very bizare behaviour.

 

I'm not actually sure how this can be improved. I do know if you keep going and dont let it down there are some diamonds in the dirt. Ive got a few lovely little friends in real life its just taken alot of patience. There are good people out there.

 

And I know I'm probably about to get alot of backlash for saying what I just did but after 10yrs in the lifestyle you notice these things.

 

So yes all I can say is notice the issues and keep going regardless you will get some decent conversations and people to get to know eventually.

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Sad, but very true.

 

Thank you for the support. 

 

 

I started to sign up for it the other day, but it wanted a phone number for verification and I keep things that personal from that aspect of my life. It really irritates me when sites do that. Let me verify in email or something.

Fetlife has gotten alot tighter on members now. Due to the issues you expressed earlier. Its a good site in some ways but as everywhere not perfect. Ive left now, and I won't be giving my number out to rejoin

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Really don't think it has anything to do with the community. You will get that judgement anywhere. It's just that you are posting your ads within the community, so of course that's where you will get it from.

Sadly it's just the way it is. And doubly sadly, SO many people say they are in an open or poly relationship when they are actually cheating on their completely unbeknowing partner. Obviously not suggesting you are doing that, but it happens a lot. It's very hard to believe someone on the Internet. The vast majority are simply lying and playing. It makes it much more difficult to be taken seriously as a genuine person. All these people have is your word, and unfortunately that usually means nothing online.

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It takes a long time to find anyone, even in a subset of a subset of a culture like ours. Heck, our subset has sunsets XD

 

Yay for human nature!

 

On the flip side, I’ve noticed in the wider culture (and this trickles down to our subset) that we have a very toxic culture that celebrates tearing people down, especially those who are different.

 

It stinks. I’m sad anyone has to go through it, and it stinks even more when it’s in our own community.

 

For the responses you’ve been getting, we have a lot of people in the forum who just respond to things. I don’t know if they don’t read it or they think they can change peoples’ minds or what, but there you go.

 

I know it’s cliche, but just keep trying and you’ll find the little you’re looking for!

 

Edit: try to not let others people’s ugliness bring you down. You’re looking for one person out of billions and she might not even know she’s a little yet!

Edited by TwistedColors
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Guest pacibrat

I'm not so sure that your lack of responses is because you were being judged, but more so it just isn't what littles are looking for.  I don't mind internet connections, but I wouldn't want the restriction of NEVER meeting my Daddy in real life.  It's hard to form a bond and not have the possibility of some sort of possible, eventual fulfillment in person.

 

As far as others on the outside being judgmental, well that just makes sense.  Quite frankly, even though DDlg is consenting adults, I see why most people on the outside get creeped out.  I mean, there are sexual littles and Daddies who like them. Even non-sexual littles are adults who act like children.  Don't get me wrong, I am NOT judging anyone in this dynamic or any other.  As long as something involves CONSENTING ADULTS only, I say go for it.  I only have one person in my daily life who knows that I'm a little and that person is horrified over things like adult pacifiers and adult onesies (I have to tell said person that I don't want either of them when I really want ALL of them).  It sucks, but I understand why that person doesn't understand.

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I really think we should be wary of mistaking lack of interest as a sign of being judgemental and shunning people, so I side with pacibrat on this one. 

 

However, I do agree with 1) Kik groups being toxic enviroments with often very powersick admins 2) Fetlife is a good place to go if you want to get to know new people

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I started to sign up for it the other day, but it wanted a phone number for verification and I keep things that personal from that aspect of my life. It really irritates me when sites do that. Let me verify in email or something.

 

I was really worried about it as well but it only sends one text for verification and doesn't keep your number in their system. They use a number to keep people from creating multiple accounts I think.

 

But I agree it is rather annoying.

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Within any community I have seen there will always be those who are naive and/or ignorant and even though you're personally looking for something which is perfectly legal and ethical in which anyone who is directly involved has full knowledge of the situation and your intentions because it doesn't conform to their personal preferences or maybe it simply opposes decisions they have made, they may try and push these insecurities onto you in an attempt to make you feel bad for your personal lifestyle in a way to boost their own self-worth. I would encourage you to ignore any criticism which is not presented in a way that is constructive and merely written with intent to discourage your choices or alienate you. As others have stated you're looking for a niche of a niche of a niche, it is going to take a long time to find someone who fits in with what you're looking for however I wish you the best.

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  • 1 month later...
Guest DarkLIttlePrince

Being judged is, unforttunatly, something one has to get used to ignore, specially in online groups/communities. I have been envolved with BDSM for a loooong time and as soon as the DDLG or ageplay subject comes up so does the eye rolling and prejudice. My background is Pshychology and it still baffles me how people, even knowing that this is between CONSENTING ADULTS, judge. and shun us and cast us aside sometimes. And it s even more ridiculous when the people who do this are themselves part of a niche... like, breathe control and degrading sex is ok but if one admits he s into DDLG or ageplay or anything like it then we're weirdos.... 

 

IRL I don't hide my BDSM side. People who know me know I have that side, and respect it. But I can t even imagine what it would be like if they discovered I m really into this particular niche. My currenct gf knows this and she frowns upon it, thinks its ridiculous (and she s a pshycologist...) but respects and likes the BDSM thing... it s just mind boggling.

 

As with everything in life there are those who live this DDLG lifestyle in a responsible, healthy way and then there are those who do not know or respect boundaries and behave badly and unfortunatly that gives us a bad rep in an already hard enviroment.

 

Thanks for sharing your rant, I quite identified with it.

Edited by DarkLIttlePrince
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Personally I have not luckily faced that issue even I'm married but looking for getting my needs and wants met elsewhere (I have platonic marriage with ill spouse who just wants me to be happy <3). But am I the most popular person here because of my marital status and the fact that I'm not offering living in situation to any possible Daddies? Most likely not. Many people just look for different things. And that is alright. So, try to see it so that they just look for different things and they have right to that.

 

I also think that people who lack life experiences most likely have a lot of difficulties understanding these bit-more-complicated-situations people may have in life. If you would have asked even 24 year old me of my own situation, I would have been sooo confused. It just would have not fit my idea of ever lasting Disney love.

 

Not sure any of this helps but for me these ideas bring comfort as it is sometimes quite hard and sometimes even depressing to think if I ever find anyone who has big enough heart for my own situation. But I think one day that will happen :)

 

Maybe you need different approach or something. One can anyhow never know if the person you run on a street will be "the one" and in your case: on whatever chat/forum/messaging system you are at. Could be that if you just look for friends, it may create easier start for finding fitting relationship. Life has a funny way of being sometimes bit more complex than we would like.

 

Edited annoying typos >_>

Edited by baby_k
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