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How to solve this issue with my little girl?


daddy_jp
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Sorry this is long, but props to you if you read it.

 

I’m a daddy to a perfect little princess and this is all kinda new to me, it’s my first DD/lg relationship and we’ve only been together for 2 months; we live about 30 minutes away from each other and currently don’t have any solid transportation so we only see each other once a week or so; so our primary form of communication is through texting.

 

(I’m fully aware that I’m probably gonna get slayed for this; fire away)

 

My little girl was having a rough day yesterday and needed reassurance, but I was pretty much oblivious to this because I perceived her responses to me via message as her just being tired or busy, as I asked her earlier in the day what was wrong and she said “Nothing.” I should’ve been more cognizant but I wasn’t and she had to mention to me that she was upset and needed reassurance later when I confronted her about why she was ignoring me later that evening, and she expressed that my obliviousness made her feel like i didn’t care about her, so she got upset. Completely understandable. She was right, I should’ve been more cognizant. So I apologized and all that.

 

About half an hour later she posted on social media that she was crying (didn’t even mention it to me while we were texting, but I guess I get it considering I upset her the first time so she didn’t feel like opening up to me) and this is where I completely failed. I didn’t know if I should be there for her and ask her what was wrong or if I should let her be; she was already upset with me so I didn’t want to accidentally make things worse. Turns out that this hesitation and cautiousness was what made things worse the second time. I had the chance to be there for her when she needed it most and i blew it. I didn’t even ask her what was wrong. I completely failed as not only her daddy, but as her boyfriend, caregiver, supporter, and best friend too. I’m so disappointed in myself. I made such an awful mistake.

 

Now, essentially she doesn’t want me to take care of her or even be her daddy because she thinks I’m doing it out of obligation because I messed up. Which is not true. I take care of her every day and I’m not about to give up on that just because I messed up yesterday. She’s pushing me away and telling me to leave her alone and that she can take care of herself, and I don’t know how to fix this.

 

Should I just give her some space? Or give her time? I don’t want to abandon her but she keeps telling me she doesn’t want or need my effort, care, and attention, so I don’t know what to do. How should I go about this? I don’t want to make things worse. I can’t see her in person until Sunday so I can only communicate with her through the phone and I feel like there’s not much I can do with that.

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Guest Fleur-Angelique

Hmm.. If your relationship is like that (that you have to pick up on hints) and you are both liking that then I suppose you could say you failed her - if this is how you agreed it should be. Personally, I would never expect a partner to have to figure it out in that way so provided this was not how you wanted it I would be inclined to saying it is an unreasonable demand - BUT what works for me doesnt work for all! We all define a daddy's duties differently. So what then? Again I would leave her alone but that is because in my eyes you've done nothing wrong but assuming you have, I would keep distance but maybe check back the day after tomorrow or something when she has had time to heal and breathe.

 

She needs to come to you if you keep talking and apologizing she wont cool down. It is hard for me to give a better answer without knowing her and you and most importantly, if I am trying to look at it like you do. Had it been me I would have let that person decide if they wanted this or not and it's worth losing over what I would think a miscommunication (on her part in my world). But I am not you and assuming you enjoy the arrangement and want to maintain thus that is my best advise - mostly it is up to her now. I hope it helps just a little ^^

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Sorry but it's not your fault that she didn't tell you how she was feeling. i have no sympathy for people that pout silently, then get angry or upset at their partner for not being able to read minds. That's her problem not yours. Yes it's a common thing on sulk and say "nothing" when the truth is the opposite of nothing, but you are not to blame for being unable to sense tone of voice or mood over text. Stop feeling guilty and apologising for not being able to see into her head.

If she wants to break up over something so purile, then let her. Sorry, i see that you care about her, but i see no fault on your side here. Maybe this is not a relationship worth pursuing.

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you guys sounds cute. My little one and i live a hour a way and we see each other once a week. Nothing wrong with that. As a daddy, i don't think this isn't your fault. i don't think you have fail man, as a daddy/caregiver/ect.. i think you should give her space ( don't go cold on her) but maybe just give her time to get her head space back to normal. As a lot of littles do does this saying "nothing" is wrong but we know that there is something wrong. I honest don't know if i'm answering this right but i think you should speak to her about it in person. Talk things out in person and just see what happens. Good luck and hope everythings works out well. 

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Hmm.. If your relationship is like that (that you have to pick up on hints) and you are both liking that then I suppose you could say you failed her - if this is how you agreed it should be. Personally, I would never expect a partner to have to figure it out in that way so provided this was not how you wanted it I would be inclined to saying it is an unreasonable demand - BUT what works for me doesnt work for all! We all define a daddy's duties differently. So what then? Again I would leave her alone but that is because in my eyes you've done nothing wrong but assuming you have, I would keep distance but maybe check back the day after tomorrow or something when she has had time to heal and breathe.

 

She needs to come to you if you keep talking and apologizing she wont cool down. It is hard for me to give a better answer without knowing her and you and most importantly, if I am trying to look at it like you do. Had it been me I would have let that person decide if they wanted this or not and it's worth losing over what I would think a miscommunication (on her part in my world). But I am not you and assuming you enjoy the arrangement and want to maintain thus that is my best advise - mostly it is up to her now. I hope it helps just a little ^^

Thank you so much for your reply. She’s adamant on pushing me away and really, really doesn’t want me to take care of her anymore. So I’m going to give her some space because she does get upset and angry very easily. Fingers crossed that she will calm down. Earlier today she told me that she doesn’t want me to talk to her until tomorrow, and I’m not sure if I should do that or not, because in a way I feel like that would be abandoning her and i’d be failing her again. Im torn on what to do, but maybe I will just give her space for a few hours and see what happens. She’s a challenge for sure; I have a hard time distinguishing if she’s pushing me away and in reality wants me to stay, or if she’s pushing me away and really doesn’t want me to be around anymore.

I’m just afraid that this mistake I’ve made will cause our relationship to end.

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Guest JayRingo77

Have to agree with SUeB.  Her communication with you is severely lacking.  After two months of limited contact I wouldn't hold yourself to such a lofty standard as to know when 'nothing' via text with no preceding context means 'I'm crashing and need you right now.'

 

Tackle the bigger issue at hand and improve the quality of your communication.  'Routine' or 'only out of obligation' tells me she's formed expectations you're not aware of and thus not meeting.

 

As for the win-over to grab her attention?  What's keeping you from finding a way to get there before Sunday?  There are enough other means of transportation out there in the world between all the ride sharing, UBER, etc.  If she really means as much as you say she does, you can set aside the time, resources, and effort to appear on her doorstep this evening to talk this out in person.  Action my friend.  She needs to SEE you care instead of hearing about it.

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Sorry but it's not your fault that she didn't tell you how she was feeling. i have no sympathy for people that pout silently, then get angry or upset at their partner for not being able to read minds. That's her problem not yours. Yes it's a common thing on sulk and say "nothing" when the truth is the opposite of nothing, but you are not to blame for being unable to sense tone of voice or mood over text. Stop feeling guilty and apologising for not being able to see into her head.

If she wants to break up over something so purile, then let her. Sorry, i see that you care about her, but i see no fault on your side here. Maybe this is not a relationship worth pursuing.

Yeah, I agree with you. How was I supposed to detect that something was wrong via a text message? I’m not the best at reading people to begin with, so without the advantage of having body language to help me to further distinguish how she’s feeling, I’m pretty much clueless when something is wrong.

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you guys sounds cute. My little one and i live a hour a way and we see each other once a week. Nothing wrong with that. As a daddy, i don't think this isn't your fault. i don't think you have fail man, as a daddy/caregiver/ect.. i think you should give her space ( don't go cold on her) but maybe just give her time to get her head space back to normal. As a lot of littles do does this saying "nothing" is wrong but we know that there is something wrong. I honest don't know if i'm answering this right but i think you should speak to her about it in person. Talk things out in person and just see what happens. Good luck and hope everythings works out well.

Hey thank you!

I’m gonna try to give her space and hopefully it’ll be enough to help her calm down to a place where she can rationally and calmly converse with me. She’s hurting a lot right now and is being very defensive, which is understandable.

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Have to agree with SUeB. Her communication with you is severely lacking. After two months of limited contact I wouldn't hold yourself to such a lofty standard as to know when 'nothing' via text with no preceding context means 'I'm crashing and need you right now.'

 

Tackle the bigger issue at hand and improve the quality of your communication. 'Routine' or 'only out of obligation' tells me she's formed expectations you're not aware of and thus not meeting.

 

As for the win-over to grab her attention? What's keeping you from finding a way to get there before Sunday? There are enough other means of transportation out there in the world between all the ride sharing, UBER, etc. If she really means as much as you say she does, you can set aside the time, resources, and effort to appear on her doorstep this evening to talk this out in person. Action my friend. She needs to SEE you care instead of hearing about it.

I agree with you, her communication is lacking, and I’ve made it clear with her that I need her to communicate with me even more when she’s upset because I can’t read her mind or detect tone through texts. Sometimes she gives me shorter responses and that’s usually when she’s either tired, busy, or upset, and I shouldn’t have to play a guessing game like this and hope I guess correctly.

She expects me to almost always be able to tell when she’s upset, no matter how subtle she’s being about it, which is a bit unrealistic considering we primarily speak through texting. After last night, she pretty much said “don’t expect me to tell you when something is wrong anymore considering you couldn’t tell by yourself”. I’m not sure how to get it through to her that just because I can’t always tell when she’s upset doesn’t mean that I’m being oblivious or that i don’t care about her anymore.

 

I don’t have UBER in my area (I live in a very small rural town) and am living with my parents at the moment as I am in between jobs, which makes it very difficult to get out. I’m considering having a friend drive me to her house but at the same time, I’m hesitant to do that because my little girl also lives with family, those of who do not really approve of me due to religious differences, and I know that if my little girl didn’t want to talk to me, her family would not hesitate to chase me off of their property with a gun. But you’re absolutely right, she does need to see that I care rather than just hear about it.

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Guest pacibrat
She's approaching this in a very immature way. She's not going to tell you when something is wrong because you can't somehow automatically know something is wrong???? You two need to have an adult conversation about both of your needs and wants. Ask her to trust you and tell you when something is wrong because you want to be there and support her. If she refuses, this might not be the relationship for you because her expecting you to guess shows a definite lack of maturity. Nobody should have to go through that.
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She's approaching this in a very immature way. She's not going to tell you when something is wrong because you can't somehow automatically know something is wrong???? You two need to have an adult conversation about both of your needs and wants. Ask her to trust you and tell you when something is wrong because you want to be there and support her. If she refuses, this might not be the relationship for you because her expecting you to guess shows a definite lack of maturity. Nobody should have to go through that.

Yeah, I agree. Sometimes i can tell when something is wrong, but not every time. She says she has told me the signs of when something is wrong before, like her getting distant and such, but oftentimes she acts fine and then the being distant comes out of nowhere and then it’s too late for me to fix things because she expects me to somehow fix things before they even happen.

 

I think once she calms down, I’m going to speak with her about what she expects of me and then from there determine which of those expectations are realistic and which are unrealistic and communicate what I need from her in order to provide her with the best care and support I can give her. I can’t be held to such a high standard. I don’t expect her to know when I’m upset but she expects me to know when she is? Through a text message? When she’s using one word responses like “yeah” and “ok” that could be interpreted in any tone? It’s a bit ridiculous to me.

 

She’s kinda approaching this with an all or nothing view. Like, I had the opportunity to be there for her but I blew it, so therefore she thinks I don’t necessarily deserve another chance, regardless of the fact that I want to care for her and make things up to her.

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Guest pacibrat
Being distant isn't a clear sign. People get busy sometimes. I would want something more concrete. That still makes it a guessing game for you. Though, it sounds like she might want out and this is her way of doing it.
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Your not a mind reader and she is a grown adult. You cant run around mad at someone and not even tell them clearly why. Then say its pretty much over because they missed the 'signs'.

 

I'd be questioning if id want to be with a person who so easily gives up and runs away when it gets tough and is unable to express their emotions clearly.

 

Maybe your forgetting someone here, you. What do you want to do about it all. If you want to continue with her id simply send her a message saying you will give her space but it is up to her to come to you and talk about it clearly and fairly.

 

You did not fail her. She kind of caused this hiccup then got upset and ran away instead of coming to you as her daddy.

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Yeah, I agree. Sometimes i can tell when something is wrong, but not every time. She says she has told me the signs of when something is wrong before, like her getting distant and such, but oftentimes she acts fine and then the being distant comes out of nowhere and then it’s too late for me to fix things because she expects me to somehow fix things before they even happen.

 

Lol, sorry, but what a ridiculous way for someone to behave. Saying that she has told you what her signs are, and that you should know them. How precious is she trying to be?

She sounds like a spoiled brat, and not the kind that is part of the ddlg thing. i mean an actual spoiled brat.

I'd personally steer well clear of someone who behaves so pathetically. Sorry, but i can only be honest. She's not here to give another side to the story, but if we take all you say at face value, then yeah, i am afraid i have nothing positive to say about any of this.

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Agree with the other comments on here. She's told you the "warning signs"? well, if she knows what they are, why is she not working on overcoming them? 

 

She's acting really immature, and of course you're not going to know someone is upset just over text! 

 

Hope the talk goes well for you; as it sounds like you genuinely care! 

 

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Being distant isn't a clear sign. People get busy sometimes. I would want something more concrete. That still makes it a guessing game for you. Though, it sounds like she might want out and this is her way of doing it.

I agree that it’s not a clear sign. I can’t tell the difference between her being distant and her being busy.

If she wants out of this I would hope that she would just tell me straight.

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Your not a mind reader and she is a grown adult. You cant run around mad at someone and not even tell them clearly why. Then say its pretty much over because they missed the 'signs'.

 

I'd be questioning if id want to be with a person who so easily gives up and runs away when it gets tough and is unable to express their emotions clearly.

 

Maybe your forgetting someone here, you. What do you want to do about it all. If you want to continue with her id simply send her a message saying you will give her space but it is up to her to come to you and talk about it clearly and fairly.

 

You did not fail her. She kind of caused this hiccup then got upset and ran away instead of coming to you as her daddy.

I just want to work things out with her. I just want her to let me take care of her again and I want us to be okay again, and as of right now she doesn’t want that because of how hurt she is that i didn’t take care of her when she needed it most.

I’ve pretty much told her that I’ll give her the space she needs, and that if she really feels like all of this is worth us breaking up over, then there’s nothing I can do about it and I’ll just let her go.

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Agree with the other comments on here. She's told you the "warning signs"? well, if she knows what they are, why is she not working on overcoming them?

 

She's acting really immature, and of course you're not going to know someone is upset just over text!

 

Hope the talk goes well for you; as it sounds like you genuinely care!

That’s actually a good point, I don’t know why she isn’t working on overcoming these issues.

I do care about her, so so much, and I just want us to be okay again. I’m still new at all these things and I’m learning still and i don’t claim to be a perfect human... there are bound to be times when i mess up and i hope I can get it across to her that just because i mess up doesn’t mean that i don’t care about her.

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Lol, sorry, but what a ridiculous way for someone to behave. Saying that she has told you what her signs are, and that you should know them. How precious is she trying to be?

She sounds like a spoiled brat, and not the kind that is part of the ddlg thing. i mean an actual spoiled brat.

I'd personally steer well clear of someone who behaves so pathetically. Sorry, but i can only be honest. She's not here to give another side to the story, but if we take all you say at face value, then yeah, i am afraid i have nothing positive to say about any of this.

I appreciate your honesty. I don’t know what her logic is behind these things or her unrealistic expectations of me but I’m going to try to see if I can get her to be even more communicative.

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I just want to work things out with her. I just want her to let me take care of her again and I want us to be okay again, and as of right now she doesn’t want that because of how hurt she is that i didn’t take care of her when she needed it most.

I’ve pretty much told her that I’ll give her the space she needs, and that if she really feels like all of this is worth us breaking up over, then there’s nothing I can do about it and I’ll just let her go.

You keep forgetting you. You are no less important than the person you are with. What does she do to take care of you? And to bounce a question you just asked back to you, for your answer. What are your own views on whether or not this is worth breaking up over?

You sound like a decent guy. Maybe i sound harsh towards her, but i have seen quite a lot in my forty six years on this planet. People who give all of themselves to someone who just keeps taking. Never getting anything in return, other than more demands.This kind of "relationship " is doomed. For the injured party at least. Are you not worthy of such a level of thought and care as you are giving the person who is honestly at fault here?

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Seriously? I hate when people say nothing is wrong and then get upset when someone doesn't mind read and realise something is wrong. Proper communication is essential in relationships! If she says nothing is wrong then she has no right to be upset because that was her doing. If she doesn't mean it then she shouldn't say it. Simple. You shouldn't have to push people to hear how they feel, because it should be something they volunteer as part of communication. And if they get upset that you didn't push? You asked and you accepted what you said because you trust them. If you can't trust what someone says, then you just can't trust them with anything. You did nothing wrong and should not have apologised. She should have apologised for lying and poor communication. 

 

You didn't fail and you made no mistake. She is at fault - not you. And if she says she doesn't want or need your care and attention and effort.... let her be like that. Because again, communication is important. She shouldn't say something if she doesn't mean it. 

 

People need to be held responsible for their actions. If they are going to lie to you so that they can avoid talking like an adult on the real problem, then let them be miserable. Actions have consequences, and they need to learn that.

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You keep forgetting you. You are no less important than the person you are with. What does she do to take care of you? And to bounce a question you just asked back to you, for your answer. What are your own views on whether or not this is worth breaking up over?

You sound like a decent guy. Maybe i sound harsh towards her, but i have seen quite a lot in my forty six years on this planet. People who give all of themselves to someone who just keeps taking. Never getting anything in return, other than more demands.This kind of "relationship " is doomed. For the injured party at least. Are you not worthy of such a level of thought and care as you are giving the person who is honestly at fault here?

She is the most selfless person I’ve ever met, always asking me if there’s anything she can do to help me when I’m upset myself, she’s always doing little things to show me that she cares, she helps me when I need it and comforts me when I’m upset. She honestly has never let me down.

 

I don’t think this is something worth breaking up over, as everyone makes mistakes and no relationship is perfect. This is my first DD/lg relationship so I’m bound to make mistakes while still learning, and she can’t expect me to be perfect right from the get-go. When I mess up I do my best to rectify the situation in any way I possibly can, and that’s what I plan to do here.

 

I am worthy of the same level of thought and care as I give her, and she never fails to give me that care and support. She does it without me having to even ask.

When she’s upset, all logic goes out the window and it takes a while for her to calm down, but usually once she is calm she becomes more rationale and can see things from my side too, or at least tries to be more understanding.

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Seriously? I hate when people say nothing is wrong and then get upset when someone doesn't mind read and realise something is wrong. Proper communication is essential in relationships! If she says nothing is wrong then she has no right to be upset because that was her doing. If she doesn't mean it then she shouldn't say it. Simple. You shouldn't have to push people to hear how they feel, because it should be something they volunteer as part of communication. And if they get upset that you didn't push? You asked and you accepted what you said because you trust them. If you can't trust what someone says, then you just can't trust them with anything. You did nothing wrong and should not have apologised. She should have apologised for lying and poor communication.

 

You didn't fail and you made no mistake. She is at fault - not you. And if she says she doesn't want or need your care and attention and effort.... let her be like that. Because again, communication is important. She shouldn't say something if she doesn't mean it.

 

People need to be held responsible for their actions. If they are going to lie to you so that they can avoid talking like an adult on the real problem, then let them be miserable. Actions have consequences, and they need to learn that.

I hate it too. I’m always pushing for clear and open communication with her and I don’t understand why she can’t be open with me like i am with her. I’ve even gone as far as to make it one of my rules for her because she doesn’t often tell me otherwise.

Her getting defensive and telling me she doesn’t need me won’t solve anything and I know that’s just her coping skill to deal with the fact that she feels abandoned (although it is a poor coping skill) but still, here I am, offering her care and support after I’ve messed up, trying to right my wrongs and show her that I truly care, and she’s not allowing me to do that because she thinks I’m only doing it out of obligation now. Just because I messed up doesn’t mean that I’m going to give up on trying to show her I care. I’m not trying to right my wrongs out of guilt or obligation; and although she should’ve used better communication prior to getting upset, once I saw that she had been crying, I should’ve asked her what was wrong, but I didn’t, and that’s where i made my mistake.

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Ugh, just reading this gives me high blood pressure... hehe.

I don't know... Tell her that the world does not revolve around her.

I’m sure I’ve cut off several years of my life just from the sheer stress from this situation.

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