Friends vs Relationships

[Little Illy]

*Waves* Hello! I want to preface this piece by stating that everything after is entirely my opinion. It is NOT in any way meant to say this is what should be done. However I have seen the same issue / request for advice that could be answered with the following. So please realize, everyone should do what is right for his or her SELF - this is just a suggestion. One of many.

 

And for sake of simplicity I will be using the roles of DD/lg, not because I negate the fact of the other identities - but just for clarity and shorthand.

 

I’m observing a trend in the forum / community that typically results in the same outcome. And this trend is to hop on the forum and expect to find a partner within days, if not hours. Of course not everyone does this, and not everyone will. But there are enough new members that have and are doing this that I felt compelled to, instead of repeat myself each time (when asked), make this topic.

 

We have all seen it - a new member hops on, does nothing with their profile, doesn’t try to know anyone and just “Hi, I am 22 female and am looking for my Daddy” or “Hey, anyone from the UK area, I am new and looking for my forever little.” They don’t really take time to read threads, actually chat outside of requesting a partner and if they make a personal, it is very short. And of course, we are all that way (vague) when we first joined, and we all did it for different reasons. The specific cases I am speaking of are the ones where there is NEVER any effort to actually join the forum, but rather use it as a DDlg Tinder or POF/OkCupid.

 

But their questions or concerns are always the same: Why can’t I find my Daddy / little??

 

Which, by the way, it IS stated in the rules that this is NOT a dating site. Please check the rules for clarification if you thought it was.

 

DDlg Forum is NOT a dating site. We have a personals section, but we are a community first and foremost.

 

So here are my observations and suggestions:

 

Profile:

 

The first thing a new member should consider is filling out their profile. And do so to the extent that they are comfortable with - never do more than your comfort zone on the internet. But fill it out. At least give a few likes and dislikes. Tell us a little about yourself. Let us get a glimpse at to who you are. Most people will agree; if there is nothing in the profile, interest is low. Why? Not because people are too lazy to get to know each other (I know, that’s kinda contradicting this entire post, but bare with me), but rather its because this IS the internet and… a blank profile could be anyone. Now, does this mean you have to be like me and write a novella? Absolutely not. Just be aware, a little goes a long way.

 

As your stay in the forum goes on, think about adding a bit more here and there. Why? Because as you grow comfortable here, show it. Show that you are alright letting people know about your hobbies. That you have been growing comfortable with the place a lot of us call home. Don’t worry about exposing yourself (verbally) or anything outside of what you’re comfortable with. Just don’t shut yourself off to expressing yourself. The profile is a small tool, so just try to utilize it. And this goes for if you are just trying to focus on personals (even though this is NOT a dating site) - I know a LOT of people will tell you that they won’t respond to any interest coming from someone without information (even basic) on their profile. Which is actually smart.

 

Threads:

 

A lot of interaction happens in the threads on the forum. Asides from the unmeasurable content of helpful information - frequent readers and writers on threads become recognized and known. Take time to familiarize yourself with the lay out, with the topics and sections. Allow yourself to disperse your opinion and lend knowledge. Actually become a part of the forum. The best way to have someone become interested in you, is for someone to notice you. And not just notice you proclaiming you are looking for someone, but rather notice where your mind lays. Do you agree with this opinion of the lifestyle? Why? Where does your passions fall? You are well-versed in a topic? Share it! Let people learn and notice what you take the time to read up on / experience. Even if you didn’t fill out a profile, you are sharing parts of yourself every time you respond to a thread or create a topic.

 

From a personal experience - I can say I hang out mostly in chat. But I do a swing through the threads at least a couple times a week. And I have had a couple people come into chat and call me out (in a good way) from recognizing me from something I responded to. I know that may sound creepy (but it really is ‘I agree/disagreed with what you said’ in a good nature) but my point is, recognition. I have been able to learn a lot about a few members just by how they post and react to different topics. Some members I find I like very much, others I know it is not worth my time trying to converse with.

 

Even if you just lurk on the threads (I know a few lurkers also), it is a great place for you to get to know someone before actually talking to them. So if they come to you with interest, you have a more educated idea if they are a good fit.

 

Use the threads. USE THE THREADS! I cannot express this enough. Lets pause the reason for this topic and take a second. If you have an issue in your life, relationship, school, work, etc I guarantee that 95% of the time you will find information or response to it within the threads. Please, please, please…. Scan the threads. Search keywords. They are so useful. And, as someone who has spent years doing research on DDlg, this is the most comprehensive collection of information I have ever found.  Please! Use the threads!

 

Chat:

 

I am a huge chat lover of this forum. The tone of chat is changing all the time and it is the most supportive chat I have come across. For the most part chat is fairly consistent in that you see the same people around the same time, or topics are frequently discussed, etc. Chat is a wonderful way to get to know people. It’s a way to observe those if you are shy and a good way to express yourself when you want to feel a part of the community. I think chat plays a hefty role in community on the forum, or it does for those who frequently use it.

 

From my personal experience again - I actually met my Daddy in chat. And now he and I are a success story. But it was how we met that is significant. Neither of us just came in and bleated a “I am looking for a partner - who lives in my area?” We chatted amicably about common interests enough that I accepted his friend request. Chat helped facilitate us getting to know one another. We had some of our most important talks as a couple in chat. I mean, literally, there isn’t any other better means of communication on the internet than a chat room with like-minded people. Use chat, but use it correctly too. Again…

 

This forum is not a dating site - The chat room is NOT a place to throw out ‘looking for’ messages. I am not supporting this behavior.

 

But it is a place to get to know people. I know the Admins and the Mods work really very hard to make chat a decent and supportive safe place. Because of this, even if you are shy, I urge you to step in. Lurkers are more than welcome. Sit back and watch and get to see how the tide flows in chat. See who is commonly active. See who isn’t. Let it be another tool to get to know the community you have become a part of (the forum). Use the chat to your benefit. Even if you’re shy, it can still help.

 

Don’t get me wrong, chat can get weird. But mostly, it’s a good kinda weird It’s a weird that lets people be who they are; CG, littles, middles, brats, pets, shy, extrovert, ect are all able to express themselves in their true form without judgement. Sure you will have people who don’t like you and vice versa, but that is life. The beautiful part is that the site Admins and Mods literally mediate these issues so the don’t become a common problem in chat. So feel free to be yourself and feel free to look for those like you. Hell, I’ve always toyed with the idea of being a pet (puppy) and chat literally allowed me to explore that bit by bit. And I am so grateful for that because now I realize it is a big part of my identity and I never even knew that.

 

Personals:

 

I am actually not going to touch on personals in this thread. Why? Because it is counterproductive. The people I am trying to reach and help typically use the personals like a POF/OkCupid profile. And that is not what this is about. Of course there are hundreds of legit personals (I put one up) but for the mentality I am speaking of, the personals is not a vital tool. At least not in the beginning.

 

So why did I highlight those three elements of the forum?

 

Well, the answer is simple, really. These new members want nothing more than to jump into a relationship / find their partner immediately. And what I am trying to express is this - that won't happen. It just won't. At least successfully. If you are not ready to put effort into getting to know people, then people will (most likely) not extend the same effort to you. Does it happen? Absolutely! Is it common? No, not at all. So what should you do? How do you find your Daddy? Where do you look for your little?

 

You start by making friends. You make friends with those people you have come to realize share common interests. You get familiar with the ebb and flow of the forum and you immerse yourself in the community. By doing so you let two things happen.

 

1.) You have now opened yourself up to a wonderful support system that can be irreplaceable. A lot of us have not divulged our DDlg side to those in our real life friends and family. This is an amazing outlet. I have a great friend on here that when I got ghosted by a Daddy who had some real potential, my friend really helped me. He helped me because he knew I was little and how hard it is for a little to be ghosted. Its hard for everyone, but the particular difficulties of DDlg elements, like opening your little side up for the first time. If you go into chat and say you need advice, even never stepping foot in there before, I guarantee you will get 2-5 replies with “what’s up, what can we do?” This is so vital for a lot of us, that I am willing to be it is to you as well. Everyone needs support. And if you don’t have a partner, you can find support in DDlg friends. Create your network of friends and support here on the forum. That is literally what we are all here for.

 

2.) You will learn so much about yourself. As I have stated; this forum holds so much information (fact and opinion) so many experiences, so much support, so many identities, it is quite easy to believe that you will learn more about yourself than you ever expected. When I stumbled upon this forum I thought I hit the holy grail! Little accessories! Daddy types! Pet play! Regression! Little Space! Daddy Space! OH MY! So much information! And what is this!? This feels like something I have been trying to understand for so long, and now it is in writing! I’m not being sarcastic - for me this forum gave me so much comfort in solidifying who I am. I read dozens of those threads and gained so much insight into who I was as a little, a pet, an alpha, a sub and a partner. It is truly amazing. Allow the forum to do the same for you. Don’t miss this opportunity because there is NOT a collection of knowledge and minds like this for DDlg elsewhere. I promise you.

 

By now you are like - alright, Illy… sure friends are great, but I am looking for a partner. A Daddy. My little. I don’t want more friends, I want my forever SO.

 

I hear you, but how do all relationships start? By getting to know one another. Learning about each other. Becoming familiar. And letting things grow naturally. And by using the three elements above and by seeking out friendships before relationships - you will ultimately find that husband or wife you have been seeking.

 

There is so much vulnerability in the DDlg dynamic (with both CGs and littles) that too many people are willing to just trust the other. We are a small community (us DDlg-ers) and because of this, some of those recently introduced to the dynamic or younger (18-20yo) are too quick to enter a relationship because of its benefits. They do it without communication (I wrote a whole piece on the NECESSITY of communication for the forum here: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/28037-communication-is-vital/?do=findComment&comment=144731) and they jump head first into the relationship. And typically (yes I know, not always) those relationships fizzle out within a few days or weeks. And its expected. It is expected because they didn’t even know each other, not truly. They were both looking with a few similar connections (same area, same basic kink level, same desired attention, etc), but never stopped to considered real focal points of a relationship (location, education/careers, child rearing, religion, health issues, financial issues, etc). There is an inherent cycle for these people and even phrases have come from it. Daddy Hoppers. Little Collectors. They cycle through CGs and littles because they committed before knowing anything (and again, another piece I wrote about is of instant gratification and how it is inherently doomed to fail: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/12827-instant-gratification/ ) and now they have to break up because they are not compatible.

 

And look, some people love the fast and quick lifestyle. I am not here to judge. Do what makes you happy!!!! Some people like long term and others like short term! Awesome! Do you! What I am referring to are those people who want a real, long term relationship, but are not allowing a reality in which one can develop. For these people; jumping head first into something isn’t going to help solve your problem. It is just going to make it worse. You’ll get frustrated, you can get preyed on, you can get hurt, you can get a reputation (thus stunting true efforts of finding someone), you can hurt someone else, you can etc. This is not the way to go.

 

Long Story Short:

 

If you are not willing to put in the effort to get to know the community and the people who may become interested in you then you are losing out on 3 components; You lose out on a change to gain a support system, you lose out on the opportunity to learn about yourself, and you are sabotaging your own goal of finding someone. Take the time to make friends here. Friendships can be just as rewarding as a relationship, in their own light. Don’t treat this site like a common dating site because it is so much more. Make friends, make a network. Then make educated moves when looking for your compatible partner. If you do this, it will take longer, yes. But you will find him or her in a much more direct and less dangerous way.

 

Be smart. Be safe. And be willing to get to know the community you want to be a part of.

 

And I want to finish this piece up by restating that everything above is entirely my opinion. It is NOT in any way meant to say this is what should be done. Or that it is correct for every case. So please realize, everyone should do what is right for his or her SELF - these are just MY suggestions!

 

[Author’s note: this has not been proofread or edited. My apologies for any typos or errors.]

 

[Guest Ally_cat]

*claps* Illy you did it again!! This is so amazing! Your posts are going to help so many people! Please keep writing, as you have such a talent! 

[Guest Dean]

Thank you again, Illy, for your observations and insights. This forum and community are a lot better for your presence here. I look forward to each and  every post of yours. Often, you will show me something from a perspective I had not previously considered. 

 

I wanted to take a moment to comment and expand upon your chat portion. I had considered making a post on the subject, but, once again, you have beaten me to it and have said it a bit more eloquently that I would have. I hope you don't mind if I use you as an example.

 

Chat

 

Illy is an excellent example of how to make friendships in chat. I had been here a couple of months when she arrived. She was handing out virtual cupcakes and other goodies from her igloo. (One of the great tourist attractions in chat. Trust me, that thing is huge inside. The Tardis is jealous. Entry is by invite only.) She regularly interacted, was open, friendly, and welcoming to everyone. In short, she socialized and made herself a part of the community. I felt an instant friendship with her and we have been friends ever since. She is one of those people whose arrival in chat is always met with heartfelt greetings and excitement. It is a testament to who she is as a person. And how she approached the often difficult task of making friends. It wasn't what she did or how she did it, it was the fact that she was just being herself.

 

These are things that I often see with some (not most) new people in chat and a quick statement on what is most likely really happening.

 

• You enter chat and feel that no one is paying attention to you. So, in order to get attention, you become a "storyteller" or make awkward comments just to get a reaction. Once you have everyone's attention, you have to continuously build on it or you feel they have lost their interest. Then, they stop paying attention to you or start calling you out on it and you don't feel welcome.  What happened is you entered a chat where people honestly want to be friends and honestly want to support you. And, instead of being open and honest and friendly, you were dishonest and demanded to be the center of attention. We are intelligent adults. We can easily see what's going on.
• You enter chat and people say hello. You say something and no one responds. You think that you are being ignored, so you get upset and leave. No one likes to feel ignored. I understand why you would feel upset. What really happened was: the people in chat saw you enter and said hello. They then continued to have the conversations (there are often several going on at once) that they were having before you arrived. Chat will often go by quickly, especially when there are 30+ people involved. Most likely, no one even saw what you said. It happens to me all the time. And, I haven't seen things that people have said directly to me. That's just the way chat is. When you say things like "I'm feeling ignored. I'm going to go," often someone will see that and ask why. They never saw your previous statement. No one is ever truly ignored in chat.
• You enter chat and you really want to make friends. You lurk quietly for a bit before saying anything. (This is a valid way to get the lay of the land. I lurked for about two weeks before I said anything in chat.) You see everyone talking, joking, and just enjoying hanging out together. You feel like everyone knows everybody already and you don't fit in. You don't know how to even start. Often, you will even comment that everyone already knows or is good friends with everyone else there. Here's the secret you don't know: some are, most aren't. Some of those people that is interacting with everyone? It's their first time in chat. They just jumped in and decided to sink or swim. And, this chat helps everybody swim.
• You enter chat and just watch. You never say anything. After awhile, you just leave and never go back in chat because no one talks to you. What happened: No one knew you wanted to talk because you didn't talk. Lurkers are common and everybody respects that. If you talk to them, they will talk to you. If you don't, they will wait until you do. 

Like anything else in life, you get out of chat what you put into it. If you don't interact with people, they won't interact with you. If you interact dishonestly or inappropriately, people won't want to interact with you. And, please, if you haven't already, read the chat rules.

 

My final point: In order to make friends, you first have to be one.

[I_AM_THE_SENATE]

This is a really cool post Illy! I started out just looking for a partner on this site, and ended up a part of the community. I'm so glad to have found this community and to be a part of it. Indeed everyone who has posted on this thread so far, I have spoken to in chat and find to be awesome!

 

I generally don't have much on my profile as I like to talk to people individually and get to know them that way and in chat instead of reading about one another; but that's just me. 

 

I think much of the reason people rush into relationships here and make it their sole priority is because perhaps they are not comfortable in themselves and believe that entering a relationship will solve all their problems. Whilst this was not my attitude entering the site, I was searching for my little when I joined. Only once I started to enjoy the community and think less about finding someone did fate intervene.

 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but case in point, everyone here is awesome and your post is cool.

 

To everyone searching for the significant other,  get comfortable in yourself and be patient. Enjoy the community. If you do these things, love will find you when you least expect it.

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

"No one is ever truly ignored in chat."

That is false.

 

But the members who now frequent the chat seem to have rotated (compared to 4-6 months ago), so that may no longer be the case.

Just in the interest of keeping things accurate.

[Little Illy]

Thank you again, Illy, for your observations and insights. This forum and community are a lot better for your presence here. I look forward to each and  every post of yours. Often, you will show me something from a perspective I had not previously considered. 

 

I wanted to take a moment to comment and expand upon your chat portion. I had considered making a post on the subject, but, once again, you have beaten me to it and have said it a bit more eloquently that I would have. I hope you don't mind if I use you as an example.

 

Chat

 

Illy is an excellent example of how to make friendships in chat. I had been here a couple of months when she arrived. She was handing out virtual cupcakes and other goodies from her igloo. (One of the great tourist attractions in chat. Trust me, that thing is huge inside. The Tardis is jealous. Entry is by invite only.) She regularly interacted, was open, friendly, and welcoming to everyone. In short, she socialized and made herself a part of the community. I felt an instant friendship with her and we have been friends ever since. She is one of those people whose arrival in chat is always met with heartfelt greetings and excitement. It is a testament to who she is as a person. And how she approached the often difficult task of making friends. It wasn't what she did or how she did it, it was the fact that she was just being herself.

 

These are things that I often see with some (not most) new people in chat and a quick statement on what is most likely really happening.

 

• You enter chat and feel that no one is paying attention to you. So, in order to get attention, you become a "storyteller" or make awkward comments just to get a reaction. Once you have everyone's attention, you have to continuously build on it or you feel they have lost their interest. Then, they stop paying attention to you or start calling you out on it and you don't feel welcome.  What happened is you entered a chat where people honestly want to be friends and honestly want to support you. And, instead of being open and honest and friendly, you were dishonest and demanded to be the center of attention. We are intelligent adults. We can easily see what's going on.
• You enter chat and people say hello. You say something and no one responds. You think that you are being ignored, so you get upset and leave. No one likes to feel ignored. I understand why you would feel upset. What really happened was: the people in chat saw you enter and said hello. They then continued to have the conversations (there are often several going on at once) that they were having before you arrived. Chat will often go by quickly, especially when there are 30+ people involved. Most likely, no one even saw what you said. It happens to me all the time. And, I haven't seen things that people have said directly to me. That's just the way chat is. When you say things like "I'm feeling ignored. I'm going to go," often someone will see that and ask why. They never saw your previous statement. No one is ever truly ignored in chat.
• You enter chat and you really want to make friends. You lurk quietly for a bit before saying anything. (This is a valid way to get the lay of the land. I lurked for about two weeks before I said anything in chat.) You see everyone talking, joking, and just enjoying hanging out together. You feel like everyone knows everybody already and you don't fit in. You don't know how to even start. Often, you will even comment that everyone already knows or is good friends with everyone else there. Here's the secret you don't know: some are, most aren't. Some of those people that is interacting with everyone? It's their first time in chat. They just jumped in and decided to sink or swim. And, this chat helps everybody swim.
• You enter chat and just watch. You never say anything. After awhile, you just leave and never go back in chat because no one talks to you. What happened: No one knew you wanted to talk because you didn't talk. Lurkers are common and everybody respects that. If you talk to them, they will talk to you. If you don't, they will wait until you do. 

Like anything else in life, you get out of chat what you put into it. If you don't interact with people, they won't interact with you. If you interact dishonestly or inappropriately, people won't want to interact with you. And, please, if you haven't already, read the chat rules.

 

My final point: In order to make friends, you first have to be one.

 

Dean, um, thank you. That was all quite lovely. I sincerely appreciate the kind words. They were quite unexpected. Thank you.

 

And I loved your expansion on the chat. I had a TON to say about chat. I realized this when I was writing it, so I was actually debating on writing a separate piece on chat alone. But nixed that idea because I know I have a bias (as chat is my home here) and was afraid I wouldn't be able to be objective. What you added hit the nail on the head and thank you so much for it. It is right on. It is insightful, helpful and TRUE. Thank you for your honest addition and observations of the nature of chat.

[Little Illy]

"No one is ever truly ignored in chat."

That is false.

 

But the members who now frequent the chat seem to have rotated (compared to 4-6 months ago), so that may no longer be the case.

Just in the interest of keeping things accurate.

 

I so I should be blunter, think - no one is truly ignored completely. Yes, you will have those who are entirely wrapped up in their own conversations and/or personal activities that they might not respond to you. You're are entirely right. But likelihood of the ENTIRE chat ignoring someone is EXTREMELY rare. Even trolls get fed in chat because of this aspect. But more times than not, as Dean as pointed out above, if a person is making an effort to include themselves, they will be included. Now if they are trying to get the attention of one specific person... sure they can seemed to have been ignored by that one person. But overall, chat is fairly inclusive.

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

I so I should be blunter, think - no one is truly ignored completely. Yes, you will have those who are entirely wrapped up in their own conversations and/or personal activities that they might not respond to you. You're are entirely right. But likelihood of the ENTIRE chat ignoring someone is EXTREMELY rare. Even trolls get fed in chat because of this aspect. But more times than not, as Dean as pointed out above, if a person is making an effort to include themselves, they will be included. Now if they are trying to get the attention of one specific person... sure they can seemed to have been ignored by that one person. But overall, chat is fairly inclusive.

 

I have a full understanding of what the word 'ignored' means.

 

I don't mean when people are wrapped up in their own conversations and there are lots of people, or not making a good attempt to join in on conversation etc. blah blah blah.

That's not ignoring, that's just being busy. M not sure why that's so incredulous. lol

 

I'm saying "No; just because you make an effort does not mean you will be included." It just increases your chance of being included maybe. People can still ignore you (and have).

 

 

But chat seemed fine yesterday. So again- the members currently that frequent chat seem to be nicer.

That's all I wanted to say. I'm not tryna spend half a day debating whether anyone else thinks it's possible or impossible to be ignored.

I also don't want the myriad of people who have been ignored when trying to engage in chat to feel even more singled out because it's seemingly a rarity.

There's no need to be blunter, I'm not as dim as I apparently sound. :3

[Little Illy]

I have a full understanding of what the word 'ignored' means.

 

There's no need to be blunter, I'm not as dim as I apparently sound. :3

 

I was, in no way, calling you dim or implying you didn't understand.

 

Rather I read your reply and thought my explanation wasn't portraying what I intended it to in the original topic. I honestly thought I had made a faux pas in trying to be PC in my post, which is why I said I should be blunter instead of worrying about PC. My apologies if you felt I was intending something I wasn't. 

[Guest Bunnyblossom]

Well I similarly thought that I had made a faux pas, by not making it clear

that I completely understood the content of what was being discussed,

when I deflected your opinion with my own differing one. lol

It's all good.

 

I was, in no way, calling you dim or implying you didn't understand.

 

Rather I read your reply and thought my explanation wasn't portraying what I intended it to in the original topic. I honestly thought I had made a faux pas in trying to be PC in my post, which is why I said I should be blunter instead of worrying about PC. My apologies if you felt I was intending something I wasn't. 

[Guest LordEmtheDinosaur!]

Wonderfully said! All true points and it happens a lot here. I think it also goes for chats in general just not this one or other BDSM chats.

[Little Illy]

Bumping again for current trends