New Daddy Dom needing advice for the *Dom* Aspect

[Guest Hermes]

So, I'm an inexperienced daddy with a very wonderful little. We love being around each other, and she says I'm the best daddy she's ever been with. However, she has stated that she is not satisfied with me as a dom, and since she is a brat in nature, I often wind up getting steamrolled by her.

 

I'm just wondering, how exactly does one be a daddy *dom*? She wants me to be more aggressive and the like, but where do I draw the line? I've tried to get her to give me advice, but she doesn't want to "sub from the top" so she told me to look it up. Any advice y'all could give would be helpful.

[Rebel]

It changes from couple to couple because everyone is different. The best way would be sit down with her and come up with rules and punishments for her. Thats the best way to be "aggressive", is simply enforcing the rules. 

[MrJohnny]

When she disses your leadership of her, spank her bratty little ass. Hard, no playing around. Do it consistently. Follow it with aftercare, and explain to her that it is for her own good. Remind her that this is what she wants from you.

 

Don't ask her what she wants to do, tell her what you want her to do. Always tell her to do things for her own benefit, not yours. She has to feel like you are in charge, but that the objective is her wellbeing.

 

Remember that she is not your daughter, she is your little. She needs a Dom as much as she needs a Daddy. For you, that means a change in your demeanor, in your approach to her care, and in your willingness to establish your authority. Because right now she is not seeing it.

[Guest Daddys1Babycakes88]

[Guest SUeB]

So she's told you what you need to do, but refuses to tell you how to do it, lol. She's already topping from the bottom by telling you what to do. If you aren't a Dom, i would say it's wrong to try force it.

[LittleOne21]

So she's told you what you need to do, but refuses to tell you how to do it, lol. She's already topping from the bottom by telling you what to do. If you aren't a Dom, i would say it's wrong to try force it.

Or she is trying to help him out without telling him how to do everything.... Research is a big part of learning for both parties. Sitting down and discussing things is important.

Edited February 5, 2018 by LittleOne21

[Guest SUeB]

Or she is trying to help him out without telling him how to do everything.... Research is a big part of learning for both parties. Sitting down and discussing things is important.

She has basically given him an instruction (you need to be a dom! You need to be more aggressive!) then walked away when he asked how she wanted him to follow it through. Apart from belittling his efforts to be the kind of partner she wants, thats not the same as general relationship development.

[Guest Hermes]

SUeB, while I appreciate the attempt, I think you're being a little harsh on my little's intentions. I don't find that she's belittling my efforts to be the kind of partner she wants, in fact she's been very supportive of my growth. We got into the relationship with the intent of it being a ddlg one, so me flaking on that part is my slacking on my duty to the relationship.

 

She herself is very shy about her little side, and I think that just spilling out exactly what she wants would be uncomfortable for her. However, she has helped me try to figure things out, and has not at all been negative towards me in any way. Hope that clears up some things, and I would appreciate it if you would not be so judgemental of the character of a person you do not know.

[Maarloeve]

you know what they say: if at first you don't succeed, you will never be a True™Dom. 

[MrJohnny]

 We got into the relationship with the intent of it being a ddlg one, so me flaking on that part is my slacking on my duty to the relationship.

 

She herself is very shy about her little side, and I think that just spilling out exactly what she wants would be uncomfortable for her. However, she has helped me try to figure things out, and has not at all been negative towards me in any way. Hope that clears up some things, and I would appreciate it if you would not be so judgemental of the character of a person you do not know.

 

You do well to defend your little, and you also do well to own your responsibility, even where it is lacking. Anyone who thinks that any DDlg relationship will be successful without a ton of communication, the willingness to admit inadequacies, and the willingness to make corrections is naive at best, and playing games at worst. Naivety is forgivable. Not so much is immaturity, stubbornness, or willing ignorance.

 

Your girl is challenging you to demonstrate your commitment to her and to the dynamic. You have every reason to be proud of her for doing so. It is obvious that the relationship is important to her, and that she wants it to be equally important to you. She wants you to show her that you are invested by doing the research, by asking questions, and by being willing to take a little heat in the process. So far, so good.

 

Do not disappoint her, and she will not disappoint you. Follow through. Hold your head up. Be the man she craves. Do not fear to make mistakes, but don't waste them - learn from them and become better.

 

The DDlg dynamic is deep and wide, and few, if any of us have yet to fulfill all of the vast potentials it offers. Those of us who think we have nothing left to learn have ceased to grow, and are failing our partners. Don't fail your little girl. We earn our Titles daily.

[MrJohnny]

you know what they say: if at first you don't succeed, you will never be a True™Dom. 

 

Those who say such things are idiots. Never waste your time listening to idiots. Life is too short, and our littles/middles/subs/pets need us to invest our time in them, not in listening to those who have no vested interest or responsibility (or for that matter any business at all) in our relationships.

[Guest SUeB]

i can only comment on what i read, and how it sounds. And that's how it sounded to me. If i am wrong, i am happy to admit it. This is an online, anonymous site. i know neither you nor your little. As you also do not know me or any of the others posting here. i would try to advise you not to get upset by strangers comments or opinions. You have asked an open question, and you will not like some of the answers. Obviously you did not like mine. If i am wrong, then there is nothing you need be upset about.

Good luck trying to give her what she wants, and hopefully you can find a way that works for both of you.

[Guest Hermes]

i can only comment on what i read, and how it sounds. And that's how it sounded to me. If i am wrong, i am happy to admit it. This is an online, anonymous site. i know neither you nor your little. As you also do not know me or any of the others posting here. i would try to advise you not to get upset by strangers comments or opinions. You have asked an open question, and you will not like some of the answers. Obviously you did not like mine. If i am wrong, then there is nothing you need be upset about.

Good luck trying to give her what she wants, and hopefully you can find a way that works for both of you.

Thanks for the non-statement SUeB, really I'm not sure why you bothered to make that last post at all. I'm well familiar with how the internet works, and I would like to point out that I was not offended by your opinion, but that you openly insulted my little with your "advice" without, as you stated, knowing anything about her. If you have an opinion that the person someone is talking about has negative traits, there is a way to state it without insulting them. And also, as this is the internet, you should be used to people responding negative to your opinions and statements in response. Edited February 8, 2018 by Hermes

[Guest SUeB]

Thanks for the non-statement SUeB, really I'm not sure why you bothered to make that last post at all. I'm well familiar with how the internet works, and I would like to point out that I was not offended by your opinion, but that you openly insulted my little with your "advice" without, as you stated, knowing anything about her. If you have an opinion that the person someone is talking about has negative traits, there is a way to state it without insulting them. And also, as this is the internet, you should be used to people responding negative to your opinions and statements in response.

i state things in clear black and white. If people can't handle how i word things, it's easy enough to simply ignore.

[neko]

It's kind of hard to say how you should be a Dom to your Little because everyone is a Dom in different ways.

 

What we like a Dom to do will be completely different from what your Little likes a Dom to do.

 

I think in order to know how to be a Dom to your Little, you need to talk to her. Not as a Little, but as an adult.

Edited February 8, 2018 by neko

[Guest Arc]

Even if it's uncomfortable for her to tell you what she wants, she needs to do it otherwise she's going to struggle to get it. You aren't a mind reader and we don't know her. She needs to be able to communicate better if she wants things to work. 

 

Daddy doms are different for everyone, so it's hard to draw the line. The line I would need might be nothing compared to one person, or would be overwhelming and scary to the next. It's hard to talk on her behalf when we don't know her, so she really needs to be the one doing this. 

 

Saying and explaining what you need isnt topping from the bottom. It's just open and honest communication - which is essential in a relationship so you might want to start that asap. She may be a little, but she is actually an adult, and adults are able to talk about their needs. 

 

 

 

Side note: I think the response to SUeB was a bit unfair. She didn't have malicious intentions. And I actually find it extremely refreshing to see someone who's black and white around here. Life is easier when people are to the point, but so few people are. Which, funnily enough, is the problem you seem to be having lol. 

[Guest DaddyXjames]

You simply assert your dominance, when she’s misbehaves then take away her favorite things and put her in time out. If she still likes to act up then, spank her. But first make sure she’s doesn’t have a past we’re she was abused. You can set off her ptsd and she won’t be comfortable around being you anymore

[Guest Looby-Lou]

Maybe it would be a good idea to show her this thread! And others on here - there is a TON of information on this website from people who've been generous enough to share their experiences, knowledge, ideas etc. 

That way it gives you both some starting points for discussion.  If she feels awkward telling you what she would like (which I can relate to), she might find it easier to make reference to something she's read on here and say "I like that" or "I would not like that" or "what do you think about this/that?".  And from there the conversation can become more personal, about what each of you wants from the relationship, and feels able to give. 

And remember it's a learning curve, you will both probably try things and then realise you actually want something a little different and need to tweak it. So keep communicating!

[Gingerbread D@ddy]

His completely resonates with me. I'm new to the lifestyle and I'm finding the Dom side a little more challenging than the Daddy side. My little has communicated that she would like me to be a bit more strict...with punishments and boundaries. I agree and don't for a second think she's topping from the bottom. Any tips on how to go about gradually increasing the intensity?

[Gingerbread D@ddy]

*this

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

There is a giant list of rules located here: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/2210-what-are-your-rules/ Maybe ask your little to browse through the list, find the ones that mean the most to her, and use that as your starting point.  Once you guys agree on some boundaries, decide on punishments: https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/14745-punishment-ideas/ 

 

It will be important to check in with eachother and see how things are going, what is working and what isn't.

[Little Illy]

This line seemed to be horribly convoluted. Ima put my 2 cents but I feel like it might not be well-received. I mean absolutely no disrespect, but this is what I have pulled from all of this.

 

Your little is disrespecting you. I am a little, a Domme, sub, Alpha and a pet. I have been on both sides, and your little, quite frankly, shouldn't be making demands without fulfilling her end. She is demanding you be more, be better, be a DOM. Yet she can't take out an hour to explain what that means. She can't tell you why your current methods aren't satisfying or which elements are missing. So now, here you are, stuck in a guessing game. This is wholly unfair, especially for someone new.

 

Someone mentioned research - I am the QUEEN of advocating for research. But OP, going off on your own to research will not help you here. [Research always helps - but unless your little has a blog that is "How To Be My Dom in 10 Easy Steps, it wont help. But do research to find out more about your own self.] Your little being so dismissive, will not help you here. You can go online (or even the list Sachita just provided) and think you have it figured out! You know what your little needs! You know what she wants from you! You can be the Dom she wants!! Yay!

 

Until you aren't. Until she is upset because something you tried is a trigger for her. Until you try to "just spank her little ass" and she freaks out. Until you "just dominate her and don't back off" until she is crying and not understanding what happened. In BDSM, DDlg and kink in general, you can never just do. You need to discuss.

 

How do you know if what you are doing is love or a traumatic trigger, unless she sits and discusses this with you?

 

From what I have read - she doesn't seem willing to talk to you. And quite frankly, that is disrespectful of not only you, but this lifestyle. She may be a brat, but she is an adult. She is trying to partake in a very adult relationship, but going about it as a child would. She is saying you aren't fulfilling her needs, yet refuses to talk to you about this. She is saying you need to be more Dom, but wont explain why or how. Enough is enough - sit her down, get out of the dynamic and talk with her, adult-to-adult. Explain these things. Explain youre lost and really just want to be the best Dom for her and you need HER help. We can only GUESS what she might like, she cant TELL you.

 

And if she isn't willing to do that, then I think you have bigger issues.

[Aaziz832]

I honestly think that the communication y’all have amongst one another is great! Take it as constructive criticism! Study her like you’ve never studied anything before! Most brats usually enjoy spankings! Be creative with punishments! One very affective punishment is the real serious one, kneeling on pencils or stand against the wall in a chair position, things that will actually trigger her mind like “oh damn, Daddy is being harsh, let’s take it down a notch” at the end of the day, a brat will always Be a brat! Don’t let her get away with too many things! Time outs, no snacks, early bed times, no compliments! I’ve got other punishments, but it’s not suitable for public talkings lol! ( Sadistic Daddy here)! You have to put her in her place at the FIRST sign of her doing anything to push your buttons! The more you let her get away with, the worse it’ll be for ya!