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I need advice, from a protective caregiver to another.


alecwhitacre
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My girlfriend and I are into BDSM, ddlg, etc. and she's my little. She has a sexual past with her current best friend who's a switch. We all go to the same college and I'm not in their class but they're in the same classes. I need advice because she's in little space most of the time (because I baby her all the time) and when she goes to class and in little space, her best friend always gets into platonic dom space for her (which she stated to him to never do because I'm not comfortable with that and neither is she) kinda like a brother-sister dynamic. I've repeatedly said to him to never do that and so has she but whenever she's discreetly little he makes himself dom so he can baby her and treat her like his little because he likes her. 

 

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to make my girlfriend decide between having me as her boyfriend and daddy (we're in a long-term relationship and are completely exclusive) and being best friends with this guy. Not to mention I literally feel like I'm slowly being replaced by him. I can't see her outside of college because of other issues to do with the fact she lives with her mom but she can see him. I can't even see her on the weekends, the only time I can see her is going to college together and leaving together and free periods. Her best friend and I hate each other since he thinks I don't deserve her and treat her like shit when I treat her like a princess. I promised my girlfriend I wouldn't start anything with him because he's one of the popular guys who could destroy her life and make everyone bully her in a second and I don't want that to happen to her because of me. But I just hate it so much. It makes me so angry and pissed off, and I can't rant to anyone about it, not even her since they're best friends and she'll tell him how I feel. That's why I need advice from anyone on here, hopefully someone who understands where I'm coming from. 

 

Can someone just please tell me what they would do in this situation. I don't want to let my anger cloud my judgement. But my relationship with this girl is starting to feel polyamorous and I'm not into that at all. I'm an extremely protective and territorial daddy and if I don't decide on what to do soon then I feel like I'm going to burst.

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Sit down with both of them and talk. Express your feelings like you did just now, have her to express her discomfort with him trying to force that side of him onto her, and whatever else you need to talk about. And if he's doing this then he's not really her friend since he's trying to take advantage of her in her most vulnerable state of mind.

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This is just my opinion, but she's an adult. You need to tell her to be an adult and tell this man to stop. If she tells him to stop and he ignores her that is a form of harassment, even if she thinks of him as a friend. But that's only if she is actually telling him to stop. If she's just contuining to let him baby her that's giving him the idea that she doesn't want him to stop. If you have expressed to her that you are extremely uncomfortable with this and she keeps allowing it that's not okay. I believe she is allowing it, because if she really wanted it to stop she would not act like anything but an adult around this person. I think you have been more than respectful of her and her right to be friends with who she pleases, but she isn't respecting you in the fact that you have said you're uncomfortable with this person even platonically domming her. I think this is very immature of her, but that's just my opinion. If I were you I would say enough is enough, she needs to set up some boundaries with this person and be serious about it or I'd be done with her.
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Guest littlesparklefairy

I have to agree with MachoPrincess. In my opinion, being a little is great. It is one of the best things about expressing yourself and being comfortable with you are. However, there is a time and place for everything and although we all may wish we could stay in little space all the time sometimes we can't. There are times in life you have to handle adult things in an adult way and from hearing this, its one of those times. It's okay to be an adult and a little, and even though she is a little it doesn't mean that she can't act like an adult when the time is needed. She needs to put her foot down and tell her "best friend" that him acting like her Dom/daddy, when she clearly has one, is not acceptable and will not be tolerated. Mostly because that's just not the way things should be in a relationship because she is not only leading him on to the thought that he could be her Dom/daddy but she is also leading you on in the fact that she has tried to make this stop. All and all, I'm just trying to say that she should try to become clear on the divide between adult and little, because being a 24/7 little without boundaries on ones own terms is not something that I feel can be balanced properly. 

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Hey,

​So, I'm not entirely sure what the fear is when it comes to this guy being popular. I don't want to undermine anything but what is the worst thing that will happen? He and is clique turn their noses up at her? Why would she or you want to be friends with someone like that? Especially if capable of further bullying. If he's the bullying type, perhaps it's best for her to remove herself from situations with him, now, rather than later?

​Unsure as to why you can't see her outside of college but he can? That seems a bit odd or iffy?

​If she's uncomfortable with what he's doing, she needs to flat out tell him to stop (not ask, tell) and if it persists, that is a form of harassment and that's a situation which needs escalating with those in authority.

​There is nothing angry to do about this and I wouldn't even suggest a direct confrontation with this guy, however, the one thing that is clear is that you need to talk to her about this. You're going to need to address it with her, when she's out of littlespace, and let her know how you feel, what your worries and concerns are, and ask her point blank what it is that she wants from either you or him. If she truly wants him to stop, she'll make him stop; that's down to her, not you. Unfortunately, short of knocking the guy out (which I wouldn't recommend, 'cos reasons!), there's not a lot of control you can take from this situation.

​You need to persuade her, to act on this one way or another. Doesn't need to be an ultimatum and you should try not to present it as such. Her reaction or response will dictate your next move. If she refuses to confront this guy and tell him to stop, then that's the big red flag for you - especially if she is defensive about the guy. That's where you decide if it's worth you sticking around her or not - personally, I wouldn't, because it's entirely possible she's stringing one or both of you along.

Approaching this in an adult way, and encouraging her to do the same will be the most positive way of handling this situation. It sucks, but it's basically down to her whether it stops or not. She can make it stop if she wants it to. I would only approach him, if she's already told him to stop, repeatedly and if it's becoming unwanted advances or harassment. You could then essentially warn him off and then report the behaviour to a member of staff at college or if need be, escalate to the police (however, based on what you say, I don't exactly feel it's quite that extreme yet)!

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I feel I can only focus on your point of view on yourself,that's allright,and the sentence ringing a bell is: " I am an extremely protective and territorial daddy and if I don't decide on what to do soon then I feel like I'm going to burst. "

Just replace for a second "protective" by "possessive" and reckon the fact that we big territorial cats are indeed supposed to make decisions that can involve saying "ok,I'll move on" ...

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Time to explain how the cow ate the cabbage (in other words I'm going to be blunt).  You are either in a long term relationship - Little and Daddy or you are not.  Being best friends with somebody that she has had a sexual past with wtf.  And he is also into this dynamic that's like smoking while you fill up your car.  Good chance that this is going to blow up in your face.  You need to have an adult discussion with her and put an end to her being friends with him or you need to be done with her.

 

Never do anything in anger as you give the upper hand to the other person.

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Guest BabyPeach

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing.  The real issue is why can't you see her anywhere but at college?  Do her parents disapprove or something?  If you can't see her anywhere but at school, how is it a relationship?  I mean, maybe that's what you two agree on and it works for you.  I'm not judging, it's just a bit strange.

 

As far as the other guy goes, college classes end.  Once these classes are finished, she can just choose to take different classes than he does.  If they're in the same program, like nursing, and have to take the same classes then it is what it is.  You can't choose her friends for her.  You say he's her best friend.  How can you tell someone to choose you over their best friend?  She just needs to be more assertive with him and tell him to stop once and for all.  You say she's in "little space", but she's also an adult at school.  The time before a lecture starts is brief so it's not like this interaction lasts for hours and she HAS to go into adult mode once class starts.  A little isn't going to take proper notes, listen properly, etc.

 

Also, is platonic brother-sister mode really that bad?  I'm assuming she knew him before she knew you, yet she chose you to be her Daddy over him.  Just something to keep in mind.

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Hey,

 

​So, I'm not entirely sure what the fear is when it comes to this guy being popular. I don't want to undermine anything but what is the worst thing that will happen? He and is clique turn their noses up at her? Why would she or you want to be friends with someone like that? Especially if capable of further bullying. If he's the bullying type, perhaps it's best for her to remove herself from situations with him, now, rather than later?

 

​Unsure as to why you can't see her outside of college but he can? That seems a bit odd or iffy?

 

​If she's uncomfortable with what he's doing, she needs to flat out tell him to stop (not ask, tell) and if it persists, that is a form of harassment and that's a situation which needs escalating with those in authority.

 

​There is nothing angry to do about this and I wouldn't even suggest a direct confrontation with this guy, however, the one thing that is clear is that you need to talk to her about this. You're going to need to address it with her, when she's out of littlespace, and let her know how you feel, what your worries and concerns are, and ask her point blank what it is that she wants from either you or him. If she truly wants him to stop, she'll make him stop; that's down to her, not you. Unfortunately, short of knocking the guy out (which I wouldn't recommend, 'cos reasons!), there's not a lot of control you can take from this situation.

 

​You need to persuade her, to act on this one way or another. Doesn't need to be an ultimatum and you should try not to present it as such. Her reaction or response will dictate your next move. If she refuses to confront this guy and tell him to stop, then that's the big red flag for you - especially if she is defensive about the guy. That's where you decide if it's worth you sticking around her or not - personally, I wouldn't, because it's entirely possible she's stringing one or both of you along.

 

Approaching this in an adult way, and encouraging her to do the same will be the most positive way of handling this situation. It sucks, but it's basically down to her whether it stops or not. She can make it stop if she wants it to. I would only approach him, if she's already told him to stop, repeatedly and if it's becoming unwanted advances or harassment. You could then essentially warn him off and then report the behaviour to a member of staff at college or if need be, escalate to the police (however, based on what you say, I don't exactly feel it's quite that extreme yet)!

We can't see each other because she lives with her parents and they are disapproving of me for reasons I don't want to explain. We treat our relationship like a long distance one. We video call every night and message all the time. The reason why she can see him is that her parents don't care about her going to see anyone else

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The question then becomes: What is it that you need to change in order to gain the parents' approval? What is it that you can do and you can change in order to gain those same privileges everyone else gets? What is it about you that her parents don't like - and why is that an obstacle? Whatever it is, short of some horrible, horrible behaviours which, if you're a good boyfriend or Daddy, should not happen, it should be fixable.

​You either fight or you don't. You either discuss things with her and work it out - get her to put a stop to this dude's crap - or you put a stop to being strung along; Chances are it's one or the other, in all honesty.

​You've got to ask yourself all the questions. How long do you video chat for? How much time does she give you exclusively? Does she truly devote her attention to you? Is she on her phone or computer keyboard when she talks to you? Does she message other people a lot? Is she fully present when you're talking? Does she wholly hear what you say and appreciate what you do? What do you do? How do you treat her? Are you the same? How do you differ? What have you done to upset her folks and how can you rectify that? Does she seem like she might be playing you?

​You need to be asking yourself these things in order to make rational and balanced choices. Something's off if her boyfriend can't spend time with her, physically. Something's up if she's not willing to try to find a solution - hell, most girls would even break the rules and break curfew or whatever to spend time with their man if parents put obstacles in the way. Got to be asking if it's really the parents or if it's her putting up barriers to try and keep you at bay so she can string you along?

​I know it's tough to think about, but you have to look at these things objectively and without the rose-tinted glasses. The sooner you do that, the more hurt you avoid in the long run.

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