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Pseudo-Role


Little Illy
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*Waves* Helllo!  :) This was a recent discussion in chat and more information was requested. I will be using DDlg pronouns for the sake of simplicity yet do not devalue any other identity or role!

 

 

The Pseudo-Role

 

Many people have yet to find their forever partner, they have been hurt badly in past, or they simply have an incredibly hard time opening up to people. These reasons and more can leave a single person to feel doomed to a lonely life that can't be fixed. Every person has trust issues so we can all sympathize and empathize on some levels, but there are those out there who literally cannot take on a fully commitment because it causes too much mental, and sometimes physical, strain. Those individuals are who would benefit the best from a partner with a Pseudo-Role (otherwise known as a Service Top or Service Bottom in different and similar dynamics).

 

A Pseudo-Role in the dynamic (or in life or kink or BDSM, basically everywhere) is a person who takes on some aspects of the type or partner you desire, yet without the weight of commitment. Lets take a moment to declare who is NOT the person we are talking about: one-night stands, friends with benefits, gold diggers, manipulators, domestically violent partners, etc. The person I am talking about is a dear friend, someone you do trust as much as you comfortably can. And the person who helps you deal with your problems on a connected level.

 

But what, Illy... how is that any different than a relationship? I'm glad you asked.

 

These people aren't you partners and depending on limits, you both can date other people, you both can quickly change back to normal friends or even escalate. But there isn't this commitment that leads to dating > seeing each other > bf/gf > committed > engaged > married. That expectation of a partner is a lot to put on some, and justifiably so. The Pseudo-Role is here to engage in both of your needs (in this case, the CG/L dynamic) without worrying how "deep" you're expected to connect.

 

We will use a platonic male and female friendship as an example:

 

Jane and John. They are both friends, yet have a very hard time trust people or have troubles with relationships. They decide to commence in a pseudo-partnership. John now helps Jane with a few rules every day, and Jane helps John by making him feel needed and fulfilled. All John does is ask if Jane has taken her medication, eaten a proper meal and if she should be going to bed soon. Jane in turn follows his requests and in turn cuddles him or draws him a pretty picture in crayons. 

 

They have been in a pseudo-role for some time and decide they are comfortable enough to add a bit more. So now John makes sure Jane doesn't use bad words and maintains her manners. And Jane in return uses a title for John and responds accordingly. But still, they are just friends and at any moment the can be like "hey no" and there is no hard feelings and they are still friends. 

 

Benefits of Pseudo-Roles

 

The benefits of exploring this type of dynamic are numerous, but the biggest one is the fact that each person is given the space to help understand themselves. They learn what they like or dislike, they see how they could live with the dynamic and they evaluate what they want in a partner. All the while without the weight of commitment. Which is the perfect time for the person to grow. As they open up more and more with their CG or little side, they gain more confidence and become more comfortable with who they are. AND with expressing that side of themselves around another person. Ultimately this can help someone build his or herself up to the point where they are now ready to partake in an actual, full, CG/L relationship.

 

What is happening here is the CG/L version friends looking out for on another and not expecting anything in return (like sex, commitment, ownership, submission, etc). This twist on the dynamic has many positive outcomes by removing the excess expectations, and it happens way more often than you might expect!

 

How many times have you heard "Uncle John!" or "Big Sister!" Maybe a babysitter, nanny or guardian? Those are all Pseudo-Roles. It is more commonly seen when a couple have close friends who are familiar with the dynamic.

 

Example:

 

Jane has developed confidence in her little side and now happily shows it. John has grown just as much and they are still comfortable with their Pseudo-Roles because it encourages their identities when they normally couldn't. Jane now become the little to David, but David understands and respects the FRIENDSHIP between Jane and John. After much communication they all decide that John can easily remain the platonic CG. He has now become Uncle John. And when Jane is misbehaving, he frequently asks her "Do you want me to tell your Daddy what you said?" He has no power over Jane, yet he is helping her remained rooted into the dynamic by triggering her as she thinks of David. 

 

And it doesn't have to be a pre-existing role. To change it up a bit, Lets say Jane didn't know John until she became David's little. She still has a hard time expressing her little side but has managed to maintain a relationship with David. Its hard for her to believe being little is as natural as she feels it is. So David proposes John helps her own. John knows of David's lifestyle and knows Jane is a little. David has asked Jane and then John and they had an in-depth discussion about everything involved, and John has agreed to be Uncle John. Now Jane can call David Daddy around someone else and just not when they are alone. When David is at work and Jane needs help, Uncle John can not only help, but 'babysit' her while doing so. "Your Daddy said only one soda today, if you drink another one I will have to let him know." Jane still makes all of her own decisions and John never punishes her, but he is her link to the lifestyle which helps her normalize it. 

 

However...

 

For a person with trust issues, slowly gaining more trust and living even a small part of the dynamic with someone can result in gaining The Feels. That is why, like EVERY OTHER ASPECT OF LIFE, communication is not only necessary, it is required to happen frequently. It can be a great thing because if you both gain feelings for one another... well, who knows what great things can happen out of that relationship?! But if you gain feelings for your Pseudo-Partner and they then get a real partner... that can hurt. So, just like looking for a real partner, you have to be true to yourself and to your friend. Don't let fear bite your tongue, because no matter what dynamic you're in, if you don't communicate, it will fall apart.

 

But do not let that dissuade you if this is appealing! I have seen it so many times and, in fact, I have a babysitter myself! Daddy's best friend has happily agreed because he knows how hard it is for me to be little in real life. And he wants to help me, like any friend would. 

 

As always - this is in no way medical or psychological advice. But rather a trend I have seen and analyzed, and am now experiencing! If you have serious trust and commitment issues and wish to overcome them, then please, speak to a professional as they are the ones best equipped! This Pseudo-Role is just a way for those single members of the community to feel like they have someone to share their identity with, without the heavy anxiety of a formal relationship.

 

But as always: Be smart, be sane and be safe! :heart:

 

​[Author's Note: This piece has not been proof read or edited. Please excuse any typos or errors. Thank you!]

Edited by Little Illy
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Thank you so much for this Illy. It's definitely something worth exploring for those of us who are either new, or between GC's at the moment. 

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There is also service subs, or 'bottoms' which fill similar roles.

 

I have been in these sorts of arrangements a few times. I had a friend allow me to explore my Domme side and it was super helpful for me to see if it was for me. I've also had like 2 friends who would look after 'little me' or we would simply be little together. It was definitely beneficial and helpful for me, but in my exp they always end up with someone catching feelings, or wanting more than willing to give. Thankfully, all friendships was salvageable for me. I personally havent seen anyone enter this arrangement without someone catching feels, or eventually wanting more, but Im sure it works for some.

 

The only thing I want to add to the original post, is I highly suggest not entering an arrangement of this magnitude when u are fresh out of a break up/dynamic ended, or when u are heartbroken/devastated and is generally not in a healthy mental/emotional state. I've seen friends do this because they want attention/someone to take the pain away. It's basically carrying ur baggage and dropping it on ur friends doorstop so they can 'fix' things. This is toxic and can be extremely hurtful for both u or the friend who's agreed to be there for u. I personally just dont think it's healthy to enter any relationship, dynamic, or arrangement when u know u are not in a good mental/emotional state. Also, be honest with ur self. If u know u are someone who is needy/clingy, grows super emotionally attached after letting someone into this world of yours, or is prone to catch feelings for those u be 'little' or provide care for on this level because its so intimate for u....then this arrangement might not be for u, because 9/10 there will be a time when this arrangement will end. Just be catiuous and ask ur self if this is something u could really handle.

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The only thing I want to add to the original post, is I highly suggest not entering an arrangement of this magnitude when u are fresh out of a break up/dynamic ended, or when u are heartbroken/devastated and is generally not in a healthy mental/emotional state. I've seen friends do this because they want attention/someone to take the pain away. It's basically carrying ur baggage and dropping it on ur friends doorstop so they can 'fix' things. This is toxic and can be extremely hurtful for both u or the friend who's agreed to be there for u. I personally just dont think it's healthy to enter any relationship, dynamic, or arrangement when u know u are not in a good mental/emotional state. Also, be honest with ur self. If u know u are someone who is needy/clingy, grows super emotionally attached after letting someone into this world of yours, or is prone to catch feelings for those u be 'little' or provide care for on this level because its so intimate for u....then this arrangement might not be for u, because 9/10 there will be a time when this arrangement will end. Just be catiuous and ask ur self if this is something u could really handle.

 

Great addition and I am not sure why I didn't add it myself (when discussing the warnings). You are 100% right and I believe everyone needs to take the time realize there is a time and place for being single, service top/bottom and relationships. They all hold a deep value to our growth and mindset, including being single. But I digress. Thank you for this addition!

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In other kinks, this might be called a "service top", I think. It's a recognized and valuable role.

 

HA! I knew there was a name for it, I just couldn't remember it! Service Top/Bottom - I am gonna edit the post to reflect this term as well!

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