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Unresolved issues after a breakup.


Guest AlisonS23

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Exes are exes for a reason.

 

Write down all your questions, and then the most logical answer known to you (No "I don't know" answers). Once you are finished, read your Closure Document. This is all the closure you have available.

 

If you cannot find closure, then become someone who does not need closure, in order to stop dragging their past with them in the present.

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Guest fridge19

Break ups with no explanation are the worst and you are definitely not the only one who feels this way. But I think overall, it just stings whenever someone stops talking to you without an explanation. If they said "I don't like you" or "I'm not interested anymore" or "I'm too busy" or any other reason, then it would be fine. You know the reason and move on. Not knowing is what sucks. When it's a long term, committed relationship, it's so much worse, isn't it? When you're together for so long and the person disappears without a word or something vague, you can't shake it off and move on. I had a relationship with a sub who I met online, we've had online interaction for over a year, I've visited her occasionally, and one day, she just disappeared. No goodbye, no explanation, just deleted her online profile and never came on the messenger we used ever again. Either that, or she blocked me. But you just need to let the feelings go. I know it's really hard but whoever does that to you isn't worth thinking about or crying over.

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Guest Kerjin

Sorry guys if this isn’t the place for this... but I just didn’t want to post it under sexual stuff or ddlg or caregiver since it’s just a generalized relationship issue.. or lack of relationship I suppose haha.

 

I don’t know what has sparked this.. but randomly last night I had a dream about an ex. I’m not sure if it’s because I never got the closure I needed? It ended on him blocking me and telling me I was annoying.

 

What sparked this reaction was that I am the kind of person that needs an explanation. Why is he randomly breaking up with me? What can I do better? Ect. I know that doesn’t always happen in relationships but this one ended in a way that maybe keeps popping up in my head for a reason?

 

I am aware he’s moved on because he’s told me so and told me to move on but that didn’t help why I had so many questions. Also all this was done over kik.. he refused to even tell me to my face. At first I took this as he was being kind to me. Because he couldn’t handle me crying but the more time goes on the more I think damn.. he was with these other girls the whole time and I was dumb for believing him? Otherwise he should have talked to my face about it.

 

I’m just left with all these questions like..Did he really like talking to me or was it a only when he wanted to thing? Why did I care about this guy so much so that I’d go to these great lengths just to see him smile. And why the hell does he keep popping back up in my thoughts and dreams? Haha

 

Slight back story we broke up once because I lied to him (valid reason to break up with me though I lied over something dumb) and he ignored me for 6 months. Then came back and I swore I’d never lie again.. and I didn’t!

So second breakup I feel like was all on him this time.

 

 

Any other people have these residual feelings pop back up randomly? Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels these things about break up or has gone through this because I’m starting to feel slightly nuts haha i should have already moved on and just got over this guy ‍♀‍♀‍♀

 

We dream of things from our past for many reasons, mostly because of unresolved issues.

 

The way that this person broke up with you is, IMNSHO, asinine and ridiculous. I recently had a break up that was done via email.  Sucked. And I can well understand then need to "know" the why of the situation and the feeling of helplessness at not being able to get an answer and get closure.

 

And yes. I STILL have residual feelings pop up for people that I was with 30 years ago. But, I've learned to identify those feelings and realize that I'll never get the closure I need and to accept that and move on...... till the next time the feelings pop up and I rinse and repeat.   :D

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What is the value of knowing the answers to these questions? Why is it important to spend precious thought space on them? 

 

Of course, I understand in many ways, such thoughts are involuntary. Though it is possible to come to terms and accept not needing an answer to the questions. 

 

One possible path to that acceptance is asking what value those answers hold. A common answer is to learn some kind of lesson that can help avoid the same mistakes in the future. Ultimately we want to avoid future pain and seemingly knowing these answers can help us avoid that pain right? 

 

I think it depends on the kinds of questions one asks. Asking why someone disappears without any notice is a natural question to ask, but has no real value. You will never know someone else's reasons for doing what they do unless they tell you, and even then it is unreliable as how often can we really articulate why we do what we do? 

 

Nobody owes anyone else a reason for ending a relationship. Nobody owes anyone closure. Nobody needs anyone's permission or consent for leaving somebody else. It is really the only action that you don't need consent for. This doesn't mean its kind to just leave without a word. That's an awful thing to do to someone. It just means it isn't owed, as much as we'd like to have it. 

 

So the reasons for someone else's behavior are, for the most part, valueless. In general trying to take information from one partner and applying it to another is ineffective because each person is so different. So that means the questions that give us the most value are the reasons for our own behavior. What patterns am I seeing? Why does this hurt me so much? Why am I dreaming about this person? What kinds of feelings does that person bring up? What have I learned about myself from this relationship?

 

"Did he really like talking to me or was it a only when he wanted to thing?" <- this question is not going to ever be sufficiently answered. You will never know. Even if you get the opportunity to ask him and he is willing to answer, you'll never be truly sure if he's being honest or sparing your feelings. Plus, the answer doesn't carry any value into your next relationship. It won't help you crystal ball things in that relationship any better. 

 

"Why did I care about this guy so much so that I’d go to these great lengths just to see him smile. And why the hell does he keep popping back up in my thoughts and dreams? " <- These are much much more valuable questions because they help you grow, and you are the only thing you can guarantee you'll carry forward into the next relationship.

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Guest AlisonS23
Thanks so much guys! Yes! You all bring up many many good points. I mean it’s evident my past effects my future but it shouldn’t determine it ya know? I’m not sure why I stew on these things. I’d hate to admit any sort of co dependency but maybe I do have an issue with that..in an emotional sense that is. I’m stable on my own in everything really and it’s not that I needed him to be happy by any means. It was more I wanted and gave my all to this guy for him to be a loser. ‍♀
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Guest Kerjin

Nobody owes anyone else a reason for ending a relationship. Nobody owes anyone closure. Nobody needs anyone's permission or consent for leaving somebody else. It is really the only action that you don't need consent for. This doesn't mean its kind to just leave without a word. That's an awful thing to do to someone. It just means it isn't owed, as much as we'd like to have it. 

 

So the reasons for someone else's behavior are, for the most part, valueless. In general trying to take information from one partner and applying it to another is ineffective because each person is so different. So that means the questions that give us the most value are the reasons for our own behavior. What patterns am I seeing? Why does this hurt me so much? Why am I dreaming about this person? What kinds of feelings does that person bring up? What have I learned about myself from this relationship?

 

"Did he really like talking to me or was it a only when he wanted to thing?" <- this question is not going to ever be sufficiently answered. You will never know. Even if you get the opportunity to ask him and he is willing to answer, you'll never be truly sure if he's being honest or sparing your feelings. Plus, the answer doesn't carry any value into your next relationship. It won't help you crystal ball things in that relationship any better. 

 

"Why did I care about this guy so much so that I’d go to these great lengths just to see him smile. And why the hell does he keep popping back up in my thoughts and dreams? " <- These are much much more valuable questions because they help you grow, and you are the only thing you can guarantee you'll carry forward into the next relationship.

 

I don't think she was demanding that he give her an answer. What she was asking is, how do you deal with these types of thoughts over time, when they keep cropping up. Specifically when they are involuntary.

 

No disrespect intended MrDaddyMan, but I think your answer, however clinical it may have been, missed the mark of the original question. It didn't sound to me like she was asking for a therapy session.

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Guest AlisonS23

I have to agree with kerjin here.. I know we don’t owe each other any explanations.. we don’t owe each other anything just because we dated. It was more or less the fact that I don’t know why these questions keep coming to my head. And wasn’t sure if it’s a closure thing.. or what..

 

I’m strong on my own and actually pretty independent as I’m a single mother of two I have to be. And I’d not let this ruin my future relationships on purpose at least. Just wondered why these happen... and who else has this happen to them as well? If any haha

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Guest AlisonS23
On a side note...it’s hard to really explain myself sometimes so please everyone be patient with me on that! I’m still a work in progress ❤️
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