Feeling somewhat lonely (sort of rant)

[tayiie]

I'm feeling very lonely at the moment. Perhaps you would think "Don't we all?". Perhaps, but in this case, I feel lonely because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. And it saddens me. But what saddens me the most is that my boyfriend (Daddy) can't even be as supportive and understanding as I wish he could be...

 

On the 13th I went to see a doctor, I hate doctors. I usually get very panicky because I fear them so much, or perhaps fear is the wrong word. I am scared they will tell me what they always do. Tell me "There is nothing wrong with you" or "All you want is attention". And because of that, I have been procrastinating this for about 5 months. 5 whole months have I been ignoring my health.

 

So I come to the doctor, I tell him my issue as best as I could. Sadly he didn't speak my language so well. Meaning I couldn't really tell him how I feel. What is really wrong. I told him that I finally went against myself to seek help. To find answers to why I haven't been feeling like myself.

 

What's wrong then?

 

I can't even do the simplest of things. Like cooking, dressing myself, take care of my hygiene.

The week before my appointment I almost got hit by a car. Because I was lacking attention to where I was and where I was going. 

I have issues with my balance. 

I am constantly tired/exhausted. No matter if I get 3 or 10 hours of sleep. 

At work that day I broke down crying for small things. Things I normally would just brush off of me.

Light and sound is an issue. I try to avoid it but being a dog walker... It's just not easy.

I have pain all over my body

I am constantly stressed

 

And there are other things too. But basically, I can't take care of myself or do my job. Now I was very surprised that the doctor actually put me on the so-called "sick-list" (in lack of a better word). He told me that I'm burnt out. This means I'm not allowed to work.

 

Now, I tried talking to my boyfriend about this. But apparently, there is no such illness where he's from. He says it doesn't exist in the DSM book they have. Which has made everything even more hard to cope. Because I can't talk to him in a way that he can understand. He tells me it sounds like a fatigue syndrome. Which it sort of is (my friend have chronic fatigue syndrome and yes, the symptoms are pretty much the same except she will have it for the rest of her life and mine won't) but at the same time, I wouldn't call it that... There is no word for this in English as far as I can find. 

 

Anyhow, this illness is caused by stress. Like long-term stress. Normally, we can handle stress in some amounts as long as we take our time to rest from it. But in cases you don't, you can end up getting sick for a very long time.

 

I just feel very lonely in all this. Because I don't have anyone to really talk to. Which is why I made this post. I need to get some of this out. But I'm always scared about making posts because I usually get negativity. And I really don't need that! I can't cope with negativity. It just makes everything worse. I wish I could get some help from my boyfriend. But there is really little he could do when we live in two different continents of the world. All he really can do is try and motivate me, but honestly, it doesn't help much.

 

And I'm also getting stressed out at the moment because soon my sick days are gone and I need to see that same doctor again. Idk if he will put me on the sick list again or what will happen. It stresses me a lot. Neither do I know what to do. I can't go back to work. I just can't. Not only for my safety but for the dogs' as well! And it saddens me, that I let this go for this long. It only affects everyone negatively. I wish I could go back to where I once was. When I wasn't exhausted physically, emotionally or mentally. Feeling like this sucks, but it sucks even more to feel lonely in all of this and not have anyone else to talk to.

[PizzaOnARoof]

Yeah, thats not a documented illness according to my general medicine textbook. May want to talk with a mental health specialist, they'd know more than me on issues of mental health 

 

But you do definitely have a case of White Coat hypertension. This can manifest in various ways, high blood pressure and anxiety most notably. 

[Kaiser]

Identify the stress...Remove it from your life.

[Guest Aetherr]

have you considered just you know... getting away for a few days, a change of scenery might give you a new burst of energy and enthusiasm also a big part of being a daddy as i'm sure you know is empathy being able to understand and provide support, i would find a way to phrase the issue in a way even he could understand because you sound like you really need it, i hope i wasn't just talking out of my ass but either way i hope you get to the bottom of it and emerge a stronger person

[Guest maddycakes]

Hey, i don't fully understand where you are coming from because i don't have the illness you are describing, but i do sympathize with many of your symptoms. If you ever need someone to vent to or to just listen feel free to friend me and message me   a listening ear is always a good thing to have in your arsenal of coping mechanisms

[tayiie]

Yeah, thats not a documented illness according to my general medicine textbook. May want to talk with a mental health specialist, they'd know more than me on issues of mental health 

 

But you do definitely have a case of White Coat hypertension. This can manifest in various ways, high blood pressure and anxiety most notably. 

It isn't a documented illness in many countries. In mine however it is, you get the diagnosis you can get to stay away from work (with 80% of the pay), for me it was only for 14 days - to begin with. Going back there in two days to see if I can't get it for a longer time because I can't see myself going back to work, even if I wanted to. I don't want to put my life or the dogs' lives at risk.

 

Some who get this sick stay away from work even longer. Like over a year because they are so physically and mentally unable to work that they need time to process, to heal. Apparently, I was lucky to get a date to see a psychologist, it wasn't something that doctors commonly do for their patients but is something you have to find yourself. I just hope it will be worth the time, like, I hope I can get something out of it and not just sit there and not accomplish anything.

[tayiie]

Identify the stress...Remove it from your life.

I have, believe me, I have. But I've been dealing with one kind of stress for about... 10-14 years or so. Then on top of that, my work. On top of that, money issues (because working as a dog walker is shitty pay, but that's the only job I got). On top of that, a few other stress factors I just can't get out of my life because it's family related.

[tayiie]

have you considered just you know... getting away for a few days, a change of scenery might give you a new burst of energy and enthusiasm also a big part of being a daddy as i'm sure you know is empathy being able to understand and provide support, i would find a way to phrase the issue in a way even he could understand because you sound like you really need it, i hope i wasn't just talking out of my ass but either way i hope you get to the bottom of it and emerge a stronger person

I have. I was actually gone for a whole month this year to see my boyfriend. But, even coming home after that gave me more stress than ever. Because of the reason I was gone. on the other side of the world, things back home were happening. And I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't contact them in any way, and I have been dealing with those issues ever since I came back home. Meeeaning more stress.

 

Also, if I were to just get away, I would lose money. Like I just posted dog walking gives shitty pay, its just so I can pay the bills and get food. But yes, I have thought about just moving to my boyfriend and live there for a few years, study and just let him take the biggest responsibilities. But as of right now, that's not really an option, sadly!

[tayiie]

Hey, i don't fully understand where you are coming from because i don't have the illness you are describing, but i do sympathize with many of your symptoms. If you ever need someone to vent to or to just listen feel free to friend me and message me   a listening ear is always a good thing to have in your arsenal of coping mechanisms

Thank you <3 Just reading this makes me happy!  It really brightened up my evening! 

[Kaiser]

I have, believe me, I have. But I've been dealing with one kind of stress for about... 10-14 years or so. Then on top of that, my work. On top of that, money issues (because working as a dog walker is shitty pay, but that's the only job I got). On top of that, a few other stress factors I just can't get out of my life because it's family related.

Getting rid of stress has nothing to do with how much you make

 

Also...family or not....you still have all the power, on your own, to remove that stress. If members of your family cause you long term stress, they don't truly love you, and you shouldn't have to put up with it anyway.

[tayiie]

Getting rid of stress has nothing to do with how much you make

 

Also...family or not....you still have all the power, on your own, to remove that stress. If members of your family cause you long term stress, they don't truly love you, and you shouldn't have to put up with it anyway.

How much money one makes can cause a lot of stress. But then again, you would have to be in this situation to understand it, to know what I'm talking about. 

And my family does love me, but once again. Nobody could truly understand if they aren't in this specific situation.

Like my doctor even told me, what I already knew, "you have been taking too much responsibility from a young age, there is just so much one person can take". I know he's right. BUT it IS NOT always something you can just turn away from. As much as I want to, I can't. Well, unless I want to live on the street. Then yea. That would take away the family stress at least.

[tayiie]

And with that, Keiser. IF you CANNOT even try to think in different perspectives and understand that things IS NOT black or white. IF you CANNOT understand we don't live in the same country. IF you CANNOT understand we have different lives. Please leave. Because you are not bringing anything I haven't heard before.