Trouble Communicating to New Partners?

[Little Illy]

*Waves* Hello! So I have given out this piece of advice a fair few times now and people were asking for me details, so I figured I would put this technique out there for those who want it.

 

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A lot of people in our community have mental health problems, disorders or afflictions and those tend to make talking about ourselves and our personal information difficult. Which then, in turn, makes it even harder to find a partner. When we have problems discussing ourselves, this means we have issues forming connections with those around us. Duh, I know. But there are many ways to talk about yourself without ever really saying a verbal word. And this is one of the most effective methods I have seen done.

 

Speaking "negatively" about ourselves causes great anxiety for anyone, so don't actually speak. Write out everything that needs to be said for a new potential partner. 

 

Get into a space where you are relaxed; do not write this letter after a recent break up, don't write it when you are desperately searching for a partner and don't do it when life is stressful. Find a calm evening to calmly think about yourself. Think of those things that stop you from getting a partner, think of those issues that make being with someone very difficult, think of those things people hate disclosing in the beginning. Because no matter how much it sucks, communicating these things will actually give you a stronger relationship.

 

So start at the beginning. Do you know you have a hard time opening up because you, a guy, was raised to never express emotions? Do you have a hard time trusting people because you, a new little, was badly hurt by an ex who took advantage? Do you have depression, anxiety, BPD, BP, etc? These things all make it difficult to talk, so explain your situation on paper. Define your "problems" and explain how they directly affect you and direct others around you. Once that base has been set, go into detail about how these things can and will affect a personal relationship with a partner (vs friend or family member). All of this isn't just to make your potential partner aware of your situation, but rather, you are including your partner in an intimate part of your life. You are saying "hey, this is me, and though I know it can be difficult, I am trying better myself. And I'd love for you to be with me as I do it." 

 

Once you get out what you struggle with, set some expectations/goals (on yourself) and ask the potential partner for help; this is the perfect time to start the baby steps of overcoming whatever you feel you need help with. You are saying to yourself that you are ready to take that next step past acceptance and move on to improvement. While your partner knows what is happening, and the expectations or goals you have placed for yourself, you have already overcome part of the need for this technique. Congrats! You are opening up, you are communicating and you are starting the journey in the correct way! So keep it going! 

 

You gave yourself goals, and one of them should be involving your partner in at least one way. This is how trust is built and most importantly, confidence. So own up to it, because having anything that may make communicating hard is common and easy to ignore. And more importantly - it doesn't make you bad, wrong, undesirable or anything like that for having them. But if you stop looking at these causes as a negative thing, you will become more neutral about your "struggle" and in turn, you will gain confidence.

 

I, Little Illy, have depression, anxiety, high insecurity and low self-esteem. And more. I know why and where these comes from and I know how hard it is to interact with people 1v1 with some topics. I don't blame myself for having this issues, but rather, I own up to the fact they are a part of my life and I make it a point to always do my best to state myself clearly or to rectify my actions if needed. Point is - I know I have these problems, but I don't let that bring me down. I just find ways to work with them to make me a better person. And you can do the same! In that letter explaining everything, and with your own goals, you can add in pieces where you know you'd accept help:

 

"When X happens, I tend to go very quiet and want to be alone. It is because its hard for me to process X. When this happens, I'm not feeling anything negative towards you, but rather X is stuck in my head. During these times when I can't get X out of my head, A-D tend to help me relax. Maybe you could remind me of A-B?" 

 

What you are saying here is that you actively have a barrier but you want to work around it. And more importantly... you are including your partner instead of just shutting him/her out. You are giving her the opportunity to help, support, suggest, comfort and even call you out on BS. This is how the wo/man in your life SHOULD be.

 

My Daddy is a Grade A Self-Sabatoger because he was raised to believe he was literally never going to find someone who loves him. Literally. And if something is going well, he should be wary because it would never last. Because of this upbringing... he has tried to push me away many, many, many times. I happened to see the exact psychological pattern he was creating and I discussed it with him. We broke it down and he ended up realizing he was the one who wouldn't let me do anything for him. He kept pushing me away. He was always doubtful because of how he had grown up to think.

 

So we worked on it together - when I started seeing the signs of him pushing me away, I called him out on it; "Daddy, your'e closing up on me." "Daddy do you really want to be alone because you are pushing me aside." "Do you really think X, Y, and Z are going to happen, or are you afraid of getting too close?" And then we talk it out. And this has brought us closer and closer together. Daddy now trusts me, feels like I understand him which in turn has given me faith in him and the feeling that I can trust him as well. We come together closer because, even as hard as it is, we discuss our negative issues and how they may hurt or hinder us. And we tackle them together.

 

I call Daddy out on it, still to this day, because sometimes he still needs help. He gets grumpy because he realized he has fallen back to old patterns, but after a little while, he thanks me. Thanks me for understanding and not just giving up. And why would I? I love him. And that is what you need in a partner. Someone who is going to love you for you, yet help encourage you to improve yourself, at your own pace.

 

Daddy and I were lucky for having an LDR in the beginning only because we never had to speak face to face about the hard topics when they came up. We could easily choose to just text, to just write it out. Writing provides a security blanket for a lot of people and this is why I recommend it for those who have trouble talking. 

 

Write a letter explaining your situation, or like a friend of mine, write a series. Write a letter for a potential friend, one for a beginning partner and one for a serious commitment. He swears that writing those letters has helped him feel better about looking for a partner and even putting himself out there to try again and again. So use writing as a way to help people get to know you. Use it to help yourself get to know You!

 

This is not medical or professional advice - everyone reacts differently and some things help while others don't. This is a recommendation to the natural writers and to those who find verbal communication difficult - but if this causes you more anxiety than it alleviates, then don't put yourself through it! Do what is best for you and remember this is just a suggestion, one of many that are out there! 

[DustBunny93]

I think I am going to try this. Thank you.

[TwilightSparklez]

I just did this recently! It was a very introspective experience and actually brought many things to light that I didnt realize were connected.

[LittleCelticLass]

Thank you Illy. I love this idea.

[Quirkygrl16]

Love this