Is Daddy just stressed out or am I the problem? How to deal with this change in Daddy's attitude toward me.

[NiaEast]

----I'm not sure why my text is showing up like that, with the grey background...so am sorry. I copied from another forum I'm on so that may be why, but no one there has replied...am sorry :x

 

Hi, friends, it’s Nia here. I’m hoping and looking for some advice... In the last week, Daddy has been vanishing and ignoring me almost every day, or being around and just not acknowledging me, which has been going off and on for a while now. He has some issues going on that are stressful and I do understand to an extent, but when he’s around me, he’s not warm, or loving, only quiet and detached. At first I was worried about him, and I tried being there for him and doing things that would make him feel a little better, asking about once a day if he’s doing okay. Each time I asked if he was doing okay, he would grow suddenly upset. I don’t mean like mildly upset, it would be like a switch flip, and he would snap at me, and curse, and be really impatient with me, telling me to stop complaining that he wasn’t paying attention to me or whining about how he’s doing when I know he’s not doing okay. I asked him over the course of about two days... and, I want to add, that I go out of my way to not hint at my personal worry or sadness because it makes a situation 10x worse, whether it’s in something such as this, where I can understand that he’s going through a rough time, or in general, that switch flip is becoming frequent every time if I try. and two days ago, he came to me, being really nice and like my Daddy again, and he sat me down and held me and he said he knows he’s been neglecting me and taking his problems out on me and that he was sorry... I held him, too, but at the time I wasn’t ready to bring up my own feelings because I felt confused and relieved but very uncertain and not sure what to do. He sent me for a nap a few minutes after that and that was that. And so last night, we are hanging out alone, and I’m very calm and kind when I open my mouth because I want to keep it light and friendly. I tell him that yes, I have been feeling unwanted and unneeded lately, because of everything that’s been going on. I stress that I understand everything going on also, but it has gotten my fears going, my anxiety, and I want to know that we’re okay. Then the switch flipped, just out of nowhere like that, and he begins snapping at me, and he gets so so upset, to the point he just goes away from me and begins ignoring me. When he does talk to me, he either snaps or is uncaring. And he didn’t even come to bed with me. This extreme switch has been confusing me so much, and it’s starting to prick at me like needles, i cried all night because I don’t understand what I keep doing wrong, I never know when he’s going to come back or talk to me again, and that specifically has gone on for months, the disappearing for never know how long. This morning he brought it up to me, the conversation last night, and he told me that I clearly didn’t understand, but we’ve been spending too much time together, and he’s been distant because he’s trying to save our relationship because we spend 24/7 together...which hasn’t been true at all lately... that his friends aren’t coming around anymore, because he’s spending time with me, and they’ll talk to him another time, and quite a lot of different reasons...and his solution now is that we spend one day a week apart, not around each other at all. Now I’m mad, and hurt, and even more confused. I just don’t know what to do, it feels like he’s just unhappy with our relationship as a whole, and that he’s just not saying so out loud, but I don’t know is it just because of the problems he’s dealing with lately, or if it really is me

[Kaiser]

He's found someone else, or he just isn't into you anymore.

 

Or you screwed up and aren't giving us the full story.

 

 

Either way....it's over.

[NiaEast]

I've considered that, that I've done something. I've asked a couple of times, he denies that this has anything to do with me, and then topics such as above come up, and I just end up more confused. There isn't anything that I can think of that I've done, except maybe that I am too much responsibility. 

[Guest TrueDaddy]

You've tried talking to him about how you feel and what's going on. Nothing has changed. So I would just leave him be, honestly. Plus, he has snapped at you. That's never acceptable. It might be time to move on.

[sullenDaddybones]

If that picture is yours, you're a pretty young Little. There are plenty of Daddies waiting in the wings in this world looking for something serious and are not ambiguous about their reasons . . .

 

This Daddy sounds to have instability and I'm guessing is under the age of 30-35. Seeing as we men mature so slowly and even more slowly these days due to the coddling in modern day culture a man of 23 is deceptively young at heart. Find someone who has stability(you can hear stability and maturity in a person after a few dozen conversations) also don't jump into the deep end with a unknown factor. Start in the 3 foot section of the pool and slowly get into the deeper part of the relationship over time to avoid this error in the future. Why get upset over someone when life is SO SHORT ... Find someone that doesn't make you upset!

 

I've considered that, that I've done something. I've asked a couple of times, he denies that this has anything to do with me, and then topics such as above come up, and I just end up more confused. There isn't anything that I can think of that I've done, except maybe that I am too much responsibility. 

Edited August 7, 2018 by sullenDaddybones

[Kaiser]

If that picture is yours, you're a pretty young Little. There are plenty of Daddies waiting in the wings in this world looking for something serious and are not ambiguous about their reasons . . .

 

This Daddy sounds to have instability and I'm guessing is under the age of 30-35. Seeing as we men mature so slowly and even more slowly these days due to the coddling in modern day culture a man of 23 is deceptively young at heart. Find someone who has stability(you can hear stability and maturity in a person after a few dozen conversations) also don't jump into the deep end with a unknown factor. Start in the 3 foot section of the pool and slowly get into the deeper part of the relationship over time to avoid this error in the future. Why get upset over someone when life is SO SHORT ... Find someone that doesn't make you upset!

 

Could you wait like maybe 5 minutes before hitting on her?

[sullenDaddybones]

Apologies, hotheaded post

 

Could you wait like maybe 5 minutes before hitting on her?

 

Edited August 7, 2018 by sullenDaddybones

[Kaiser]

If that's hitting on someone you must have been raised in Nebraska on a Farm with Sheep as your only companions.

I'm not the only one who saw you original, unedited post.

[NiaEast]

Daddy is older, over 35, and I am in my 20's still.    We knew each other long before we got together, and were close friends before so. I'm taking the advice of leaving him be for now, and just try to stay out of his way. Inside, I'm a mixture of anxiousness, confusion and then just...a lot of nothingness

[Kaiser]

Daddy is older, over 35, and I am in my 20's still.    We knew each other long before we got together, and were close friends before so. I'm taking the advice of leaving him be for now, and just try to stay out of his way. Inside, I'm a mixture of anxiousness, confusion and then just...a lot of nothingness

Take this time to look inward. Reflect on who you are as an individual. That way, worst case scenario, you are somewhat prepared to deal with it in a healthy way.

 

That and ignore the half dozen friend requests from "Daddies" who know "just how you feel and want to comfort you in this time of dire need" that are surely forthcoming.

[NiaEast]

Take this time to look inward. Reflect on who you are as an individual. That way, worst case scenario, you are somewhat prepared to deal with it in a healthy way.

 

That and ignore the half dozen friend requests from "Daddies" who know "just how you feel and want to comfort you in this time of dire need" that are surely forthcoming.

 

Thank you, that's a big concern as of now, to try and prepare myself for the possible--worst, outcomes. Of course, I hope it is just incredible stress, it seems he snapped at one of our friends today, too, for being closer to me than to him. Maybe that's one of the issues, if people talk to me more than him. Though...that itself is because I try very hard to make friends with his friends, which is something we've worked on a lot since strangers make me very nervous and anxious.

[WhysperKit]

My ex behaved like this before I found out he was cheating on me (Not saying yours is but the behavior is the same). I was doing the same thing you are. Waiting, trying to ask, getting yelled at, him apologizing, repeat... I'd honestly give it maybe a week or two and if he doesn't change, just end it. It's obvious he doesn't want to try and you're putting in all the effort here. That's not how a relationship works. It's two way and right now, yours sounds like it's one way. I'm sorry if I sound rude or harsh, but... yeah. It's too much stress on you. You need to worry about yourself right now, not him. 

[WhysperKit]

[Repeat Post]

Edited August 7, 2018 by Dlkx93

[Guest littlemarmar]

Hi Lil' Red. 

 

My advice is that, if you really think you and your Daddy have something worth fighting for, don't panic yet. I think I have experienced what you are going through, to a degree. There was a period earlier in our relationship when my Daddy was behaving in a similar manner, and I was very anxious that it was me. It was not entirely me but my anxiety exacerbated the problem and so I did become part of the issue. I did not know how to deal with his distance and he did not know how to deal with my emotions. I'm not sure how long you and your Daddy have been together but, for us, things did improve over time, and we are doing much better now. So, hang in there. Here are some things that helped: 

 

- Work your hardest not to take his moods personally. Ask yourself, "what are all the other reasons he may be behaving like this?" and choose to believe them. (Easier said than done, I know.) It may help to write these reasons down and then distract yourself. 

 

- Greet him with a confident smile when he comes home (or wherever he sees you). I think it is very important to our Daddies that they make us happy. If we are anxious, worried, and upset when they see us, not only are they dealing with issues in other parts of their lives, but they are also failing at their relationships.

 

- Try to have some fun on your own. It is not our responsibility to fix our Daddy's bad moods. We can empathize and offer to help, but in the end only they can fix them. Let him own what he's going through. Seeing that you are still able to enjoy yourself will help relieve his guilt and may entice him to join you. 

 

- Spend some time away from each other cultivating other interests and friendships. I know that it is incredibly painful to feel unwanted and unappreciated, but try not to look at it this way. I don't care how much we love someone, we need at least a few different people and environments/experiences in our lives to grow as independent beings. What we learn and how we develop while we're away from our partners helps enrich our relationships and makes us more exciting to be around. Also, you need space apart to have an opportunity to come together. This is how I learned to trust... by letting him go, literally and metaphorically, and trusting that he would return. We cannot force anyone to be with us. They have to want to be with us. If we are always together and always emotionally dependent, there is no independent being left TO want. Think about what you may be sacrificing to bend over backwards and appease his moods. You may have to get angry and dig your heels in a bit. Let him flounder a little at your lack of concern. 

 

-Finally, I learned it was much more helpful to state my needs in a very matter of fact manner. Unemotionally. For instance, what would make this one day a week separation tolerable for you? Can you find a way to ask for the reassurance you need in an unemotional and non-blaming way? Can you say something like, "I have an issue with fear of abandonment. It would really help me if you could send a text to say hi while you're out." Or what ever it is that you feel you really need to make the new pattern bearable. I would be careful to make sure he understands that it is YOUR issue, not HIS, and that he is helping you overcome your anxiety. Your feelings are valid and you are allowed to have them. If he chooses not to accommodate you, then you'll have  to make a choice. Be clear about what your deal-breakers are, so he knows what he's risking. If he can't meet your needs, it's not his fault, it's just a matter of fact. 

 

I wrote more than I intended. I hope that's not more advice than you wanted . Good luck. I know it's painful, but if he's not the right Daddy for you, it's better to discover that sooner than later, I think. 

 

Big Hug. 

Mar Mar

Edited August 14, 2018 by littlemarmar

[NiaEast]

Thank you everyone, so much for replying and giving me advice and nice words :x I’m going to do my best... he came home, and has been sitting next to me quietly, watching tv and playing video games and ate dinner. He doesn’t seem to be angry, and he doesn’t have that *look* but between me and you I feel very antsy and anxious. We have a rule that I go to bed when he does, but do you think I should go to bed on my own? (If I get tired first, or start falling asleep first) As in without waiting, since he hasn’t been coming to bed the last few nights? I could watch a movie in bed and hang out in there...Or should I try to flutter about the living room, just hang out and try to be happy, but quietly-if that makes sense? I’m sorry, I get rambly when I’m not sure what to do .-.

[Guest littlemarmar]

It sounds like you'd like to watch a movie in bed. If that's the case, I'd go for it . 

[Guest DuckDaddy66]

 

 

We have a rule that I go to bed when he does, but do you think I should go to bed on my own?

 

I would respect the rule, and just fall asleep on the couch.  Maybe that will show him, you need his attention too.  

[Guest Revurex]

One can only make assumptions on the reasoning behind the sudden switch which is pointless. The only objective thing here is a lack of communication and respect.

 

Regardless of the reasoning, it's unacceptable and a giant red flag. Communication is the most important aspect of a relationship. Relationships are filled with difficulties. If this is how one reacts to an issue, it's not going to be a healthy relationship.

 

Being a Daddy is demanding and a huge responsibility, but it's a choice. The stresses of everyday life or any other issue that may arise are no excuse to take this responsibility lightly. 

[Little Illy]

Here is the question I think you should ask yourself:

 

Are you willing to work with this unpredictable switch and fall prey or victim to his lack of control over his emotions?

Are you happy?

Have you been happy in awhile?

Can you come to him when things are bad?

Does he give you comfort or anxiety? 

 

Does he care?

 

You need to stop looking at yourself as the problem. IF - again if - everything you have said is true, then stop putting his failures onto you. Sure he may be going through some things, that doesn't mean you get to be his emotional punching bag. You keep trying to figure out what you did wrong, but.... focus on his actions and now yours. Don't defend yourself, present yourself: "I am done with this - I don't deserve this when all I have done is tried to help."

 

Get out of the dynamic, don't even bother following his rules - he is obviously in a state where he is not capable of taking care of himself, let alone you. So don't fulfill his desired role. Don't reward his bad behavior AS A PERSON. Look at this as if you two were vanilla, as if your friend was coming to you with all of this. What would you tell your friend? How would you view her boyfriend? 

 

These actions aren't even valid in a "normal/regular/basic" relationship, so they are downright destructive in a complex one.

 

You need decide - do you want to try and spend more time getting through?

Or, are you ready to move on to someone who cares about you and your emotions?

[Guest Aetherr]

Sounds a lot to me like unacceptable behavior, have you tried talking to him adult to adult, it sounds to me like something in his life is overwhelming him and the stress is coming out it could also be that he just is not happy for whatever reason but you need to get to the bottom of it because it REALLY doesn't sound healthy, i would not put up with shit like that from a partner personally and you sound really dedicated to him which if he knew i don't doubt would be something he could appreciate

 

either way you owe it to yourself to take a stand, he talks to you or you walk

Edited August 8, 2018 by Aetherr

[Beasourous]

You will need to ask yourself if you want to fight for this relationship. Even if he snaps at you, you will still need to have a talk with him. Explain to him that even if he is stressed, he should talk and explain to you what's going on. If he needs time, ask him what does he want you to do? Continue being by his side and giving him the moral support or completely leaving him alone? If he snaps at you after trying to talk to him nicely, tell him that you are going to completely leave him alone and he can come and find you when he is ready to talk about it like an adult.

 

I am guessing that you are feeling anxiety cos you don't know what to expect or understand what is going on. It might help to know what is going on and decide the next step that you want to take.

[SharkPrince]

Reading your post, I'm seeing a lot of myself in the behavior of your partner and hopefully I can provide some useful kind of information in this post other than ramblings.

 

I've always been someone that is used to having my time to be alone, to not have to talk to someone or be sociable. I've got a lot of baggage and deep deep rooted mental issues and I find it particularly difficult to talk to people either about my issues and even to talk to someone while it's bad. It makes me irritable, it makes me angry, it can make me aggressive and violent. I'm in a relationship with an amazing woman, and sometimes when I'm going through stressful times or struggling with my mental health I have to add a distance there or I'm scared I'm going to flip out and snap at her and fuck everything up. 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that him wanting or needing distance doesn't mean he doesn't care. There's always a chance that he's done something with someone but if you trust him that shouldn't be where the first jump of 'what's happening here?' should land. Maybe he's asking for distance for similar reasons to why I need space. 

 

You need to find a way to communicate where you can express how you feel without it hitting a switch with him. Maybe the way you're trying to be there for him is overwhelming him? Personally, when I'm having stressed issues and my partner starts asking me questions I snap because questions make my head close in and I start feeling claustrophobic even standing in an open space.

 

You guys need to find what works for you guys, and a way for you to support eachother without either person feeling attacked. Maybe non verbal communication maybe writing in a book or sending eachother letters will help you navigate this?