I am in a monogamous vanilla relationship

[martha77]

I was in a DDLG relationship prior to this 'vanilla' relationship.

 

At the start of the vanilla relationship, I had the rod put in and I lost my libido. Two years later, I love this man with all of my heart and I have had the rod out. My sex drive it back, and vanilla sex just isn't satisfying me. I am horny all the time, and I am not satisfied for long when we do have sex or I masturbate. All I can think about is my past experiences as a LG in the DDLG relationship and BDSM. I miss the sex, but I really miss the dynamic as well.

I have communicated this with my boyfriend, and he thinks its just my hormones going crazy and it will go away. But I was bored sexually even before this. I told him I am sexually attracted to my old DD, and he thinks it will pass. I don't think it will.

 

I am nearly 21 years old and I sometimes feel I was robbed of sexual experimentation, but on the other hand, I don't want to me with anyone else romantically and my boyfriend is monogamous and doesn't even entertain the idea of being open.

Has any sub women been in something similar? This is consuming me. Am I poly, or a cheater?

Edited August 17, 2018 by martha77

[Lola Step]

So my Daddy and I are kinda like you- due to certain living arrangements our sex life has become incredibly boring to the point where I have a lower sex drive than him which can complicate matters but I usually do a pretty good job of explaining that it's not HIM persay. Anyway I too constantly fantasize about things I know my Daddy would never go for in a million years, one of my biggest fantasys is to be in a poly relationship with another Daddy and another little girl along with my Daddy however I would NEVER even think of cheating on my Daddy and I think that's the distinction- fantasy and thought are fine and normal and natural but it's actions that define a true cheater. I'm not sure if I'm actually poly or not, I know it's something I would love to experiment with (along with my Daddy), but it's not something that I would define as a need to the point where I would leave my Daddy over it, I think you should probably try and eveluate what it means to you and where you would place it on the whole need versus want scale and then see where you are.

[Guest Aetherr]

i dont get the impression you are poly though i could be wrong, but it does sound to me like you will need to decide what is more important, you can't force people to like what you like and if he isnt interested then he isnt interested it sounds like a difficult situation for you sadly but again i dont think either way it will end well

 

i would say at the very least sit down with your SO and talk about it if you show him you are serious he might have a different opinion or will take things more seriously

 

also saying to your current bf that you are sexually attracted to a old partner is not a good start to the whole thing.

and that's coming from a monogamous daddy

[LittleCelticLass]

You are only 21. Your years of experimenting are far from over. I hate to say this, but if you are fantasizing, and telling your BF that you are still attracted to your former Daddy, you are not really serious about your relationship. I suggest that you take some time to decide what you really want. You can't force somone to be what you want them to be. It will never work.

 

Good luck, I hope you find what makes you happy.

[Guest CollateralBeauty]

I agree with Lass. You're still young and have many more years to experience new things. I also agree that you can't force a person to be what you want. You just have to decide on whether or not you can live with the "flaws" the other person has.

 

If you haven't already, sit down with your SO and just talk about what you want. See if they'd be willing to try doing something more your style in the bedroom, and if you need to, compromise. Try meeting him halfway.

Edited August 18, 2018 by CollateralBeauty

[Little Illy]

I miss the sex, but I really miss the dynamic as well.

I have communicated this with my boyfriend, and he thinks its just my hormones going crazy and it will go away. But I was bored sexually even before this. I told him I am sexually attracted to my old DD, and he thinks it will pass. I don't think it will.

 

I am nearly 21 years old and I sometimes feel I was robbed of sexual experimentation, but on the other hand, I don't want to me with anyone else romantically and my boyfriend is monogamous and doesn't even entertain the idea of being open.

Has any sub women been in something similar? This is consuming me. Am I poly, or a cheater?

 

I didn't read the responses above, so my apologies if I repeat anyone:

 

Honestly... you are a YOUNG woman who wants to be satisfied and it sounds like your current partner is not prepared to do that (from the little you have given me). He is dismissing your concerns and your communication which means he either doesn't care or doesn't believe you enough to care - which is both bad. You have yet to be robbed of any experience because you are ONLY TWENTY YEARS OLD! Nothing is final, nothing!

 

What you are feeling is the same exact thing I felt when I told my vanilla ex that I was bi and into some light bondage (even though I wanted WAAAAAAY more than light). He told me to never speak of my bi side again and he said I didn't want bondage but that I was just stressed. He didn't care enough to see that it was actually hurting me both mentally and physically to suppress my identity as a kinky, bi woman. Especially to hide it or keep it away from my partner.

 

You don't sound like a cheater and honestly, you probably aren't Poly at all. What you are is a sexually frustrated young woman who is in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to be compatible anymore. You said he is vanilla and monogamous? Then you two are no longer compatible. You need to decide if staying with him is worth suppressing your feelings, urges, identity and desires. I can tell you, personally, I vowed to never be in a vanilla relationship since my ex. After I found out I was a little, I refused to be with a man who wasn't a DD. Why? Because I REFUSED to keep my identity in a small box in the back of my head at the sake of a stupid man who wouldn't even hear my plea for help. 

 

If I was you - I would have a serious heart to heart with your boyfriend: tell him this isn't a phase, tell him that you need to be able to express your identity and that you are finding him less attractive because of his denial (edit: I gleamed that last part from you stating you are finding your ex Daddy Dom attractive). It honestly sounds like he doesn't put in any effort - he should at least be upset that you may be pining for an ex, but he is passing it off as phase. Take these red flags and realize, these are ALL selfish behaviors. He hasn't listened, he hasn't accepted what is going on with your body, he hasn't tried to discuss these issue and at most, he brushes them off. Do you REALLY want that for the rest of your life?! 

 

If the heart to heart does nothing, I suggest moving on and finding a partner who loves you for you, your sex drive and your identity as a little. Otherwise you are going to kill a part of yourself keeping it away from the one person you are supposed to be able to share everything with. Your partner.

 

I'd be happy to have a chat since I have been in an incredibly similar situation if you'd like. Just friend me and we can chat.

Edited August 18, 2018 by Little Illy

[Little Illy]

I'm just going to throw this out there; I know this is probably going to be an unpopular opinion, but if you are in a relationship for sex, it's lust not love that you are after. This isn't to say that wanting sex in a relationship is wrong. But if all you care about is the sex, then I think you need to re-evaluate what kind of relationship you want.

 

I wouldn't say she is in it just for sex, but from the context it sounds like sex has just become an option for her again and her usual sex drive is back. And wanting a partner who understands and participates in the same level of sexual activity is a VERY IMMENSE part of having a suitable partner for most people. A large percentage of people are tactile - they love through touch. So their sex drive, with just their partner, can be incredible high and when it is not fulfilled, they can easily feel like something is off. My point? Spectrum. Love and Sex go hand in hand with some people, and it doesn't diminish the real connection nor the real desire the two people have for one another. Its just like making sure your partner can live in the same location as you, can handle the same stressors that are in your life, wants to go down the same professional path, etc. Singularly, sure it would be wrong to get into a relationship just for sex. However, having as a criteria for a compatible partner? It is a must for a lot of people, and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Also, CB, I hope I didn't come off as attacking you. We have different views and I respect yours! I just wanted to add mine

[Guest CollateralBeauty]

I wouldn't say she is in it just for sex, but from the context it sounds like sex has just become an option for her again and her usual sex drive is back. And wanting a partner who understands and participates in the same level of sexual activity is a VERY IMMENSE part of having a suitable partner for most people. A large percentage of people are tactile - they love through touch. So their sex drive, with just their partner, can be incredible high and when it is not fulfilled, they can easily feel like something is off. My point? Spectrum. Love and Sex go hand in hand with some people, and it doesn't diminish the real connection nor the real desire the two people have for one another. Its just like making sure your partner can live in the same location as you, can handle the same stressors that are in your life, wants to go down the same professional path, etc. Singularly, sure it would be wrong to get into a relationship just for sex. However, having as a criteria for a compatible partner? It is a must for a lot of people, and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Also, CB, I hope I didn't come off as attacking you. We have different views and I respect yours! I just wanted to add mine

 

Oh no! Of course not. I always enjoy reading your posts because you always seem to know so much. And you're really good at expressing yourself.

 

In this case, I really value your opinion. You explained it in a way that I hadn't thought about. And honestly, after reading what you said, I feel a little silly for what I said. What I was saying about sex was more about my opinion on people starting relationships, not for someone who is in an ongoing relationship.

Edited August 18, 2018 by CollateralBeauty

[Little Illy]

Oh no! Of course not. I always enjoy reading your posts because you always seem to know so much. And you're really good at expressing yourself.

 

In this case, I really value your opinion. You explained it in a way that I hadn't thought about. And honestly, after reading what you said, I feel a little silly for what I said. What I was saying about sex was more about my opinion on people starting relationships, not for someone who is in an ongoing relationship.

 

Aw, thanks! But you are absolutely right though! If a person is getting into a relationship JUST because they want to have sex with them, 100% that is lust. And that is something to reflect upon as a person. And even if you are in a current relationship, if you are staying in the relationship just to have sex with them, or worse, to stop them from having sex with someone else.... horrid. 

 

So don't feel silly, you were right on the mark of a valid point!

[Guest DuckDaddy66]

 Take these red flags and realize, these are ALL selfish behaviors. He hasn't listened, he hasn't accepted what is going on with your body, he hasn't tried to discuss these issue and at most, he brushes them off. Do you REALLY want that for the rest of your life?! 

 

If the heart to heart does nothing, I suggest moving on and finding a partner who loves you for you, your sex drive and your identity as a little. Otherwise you are going to kill a part of yourself keeping it away from the one person you are supposed to be able to share everything with. Your partner.

 

Having been married before and many relationships with vanilla sex, I would say it's worth it to move on and find that right partner.  My search has been 20 years with many ups and downs.  It's been worth it; I can really say that.  And, when you do find that right partner that matches love, respect, and kink, even vanilla sex is still AWESOME!

 

Regarding sexual experimentation, this is actually important.  Do not ever sell yourself short with a partner who is not willing to allow you to grow.  Do you really know what you like?  Do you know what deep dark secrets are inside you trying to get out?  I am 50+ and my partner is 35+ with 14 years difference.  Between us we have had some variety in our own sexual experimentation.  This past week, we have shared many firsts together and that does allow us to grow closer together.