Dear Daddy, I am an Alpha.

[Little Illy]

Dear Daddy,

 

You wanted me to write out an explanation of my most prominent identity, which is my Alpha side. You recommended I write about myself to help you understand and to possibly help us our own current situation understand. It was suggested I post it to the forum so I can receive feedback and you and I can both grow together. But... I have tried and tried again yet for some reason... writing clinically about Alphas has proven difficult. I have written about Demisexuals, Brats, Pets, Littles, Middles, CGs and more, yet I can't even write about the biggest part of myself. So I decided the best thing to do was to write a letter. Maybe this way I can show you why I react the way I do, why I don't react the way I want and why you and I seem to go in circles every now and again. Maybe someone else can see this and weigh in. Maybe this can help clear some things up for other couples. Maybe another Alpha will either better understand him or herself or help me understand myself. So, Daddy. Let me try my very best to explain what an Alpha is, for me at least.

 

The shortest way for me to explain this side of myself is to give myself a standard label: Strong Independent Woman. Because that is the closest way to portray my Alpha. All my life I had to be the strong one, the leader, the therapist and the one who basically held everything together. None of this was by choice, so it became a part of me. But this all started out when I was a kid, defining my Strong Independent type. And as I reached adulthood and realized I was all of the crazy things I was (Pet, Little, Sub, Brat, Domme, Brat Tamer, etc), I knew that, first and foremost, I was an Alpha. 

 

Alpha became my life - It helped me deal with my day-to-day issues, it helped me accomplish more than those around me, being an Alpha really paved my way. It significantly helped me cope with trauma and stress but more importantly, it allowed me to help those I loved the most. Simply put, if I had not grown into the Alpha I am today, I probably would not be here, at all. But... I am coming to realize that as much as my Alpha is helping me... it is hindering me. Because now that I am in a place where I don't have to block people out or put up as many walls (or even work at helping others tears their own walls down), my Alpha is getting in the way of my other half, of my little/sub/pet side.

 

There is a moment, every time, when I am little that I have to fight back my Alpha. Every time an order is given, a punishment brandished or even a reward received, my Alpha wants to fight back. Why should I ask for a snack? Its my damn house. And who do you think you are, 'rewarding me' for 'good behavior??' Those are things my Alpha whispers into my ear every time I am within the dynamic. She - my Alpha - doesn't ever leave, I just get better at restraining her.

 

I know this all seems counterproductive, but Alpha isn't the only part of who I am, she is just the loudest. I am all I mentioned above and I desperately need to be able to let those parts of me out. At my core I am a sub, and then the rest follows. Being an Alpha sub who requires a strong Dominant can be vexing because... well... it limits who I could ever be with. It creates parameters of the lifestyle I have always wanted to live because it can't just be with any Dom or any Daddy. I can't even try with just any of them, I need specific substance to believe that my Alpha will allow my little out in front of him. And it becomes disheartening over time. You think you have found suitable partners, just to find out later that they were all talk and no action. Or to figure out they actually want a CG and was drawn to you due to your own air of dominance. After so many let downs, you start to expect it. 'No, he isn't Dom enough for me,' or 'When is he really gonna show his true colors? What will it be this time?' And this isn't to the devaluing of any one person, but it screams of incompatibility and a tendency to always expect it.

 

Daddy, I know you have to be heavy handed with me, and that is because I have to be heavy handed with myself. Having a strict Daddy and a complete Dom are two requirements I need in a male partner. Why? Because anyone too soft, I will make them my submissive unintentionally. Part of who I am is the fact I am a Domme to women and so I do have this natural dominant streak to go with my Alpha. But when a man tries to act dominant, but he isn't up to my level of mental strength, I actually lose respect for his Dom side. Which is an appalling reaction on my end. It's not his fault the two of us aren't compatible, but it is how I have always been. This has always been my curse - if I am with a soft Dom or a lenient Daddy who believes more in Funishments than Punishments... I will run the ship and neither of us will be happy. Chew him up and spit him out. Because I desperately need that mental fortitude in a partner. Without it... I end up taking charge and expecting him to follow. And that is not the lifestyle I desire.

 

You see... My Alpha is me. Illy. My Alpha is who I am on the regular. I don't have to hide a part of her or to force her to come out, she is who you will meet at the store or on the street. And I love her! When I am Alpha, I am confident, polite, non-passive, helpful and more. But, when I am Alpha, I can't submit. It is almost as if my Alpha has a mind of her own and she dictates when I can be little or when I am not allowed to. Finding Littlespace was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It took me five years to ever fully get into Littlespace and even then, it took a few things to get the ball rolling (wine, Daddy, accessories, etc). And out of all of my education, all I can come up with is that my Alpha, me, I am protecting my little side. We have all been hurt on so many levels and in so many ways that we all develop coping mechanisms. And I truly believe that my Alpha shielding my little side from the world is literally me trying to make sure I don't get hurt again. And get hurt at my most vulnerable. 

 

Like every cheesy 'multiple personality disorder' (or DID) movie, the tough personality dictates when it arrives and I truly believe my Alpha is that dictator. She decides if it is safe for my little side, or my puppy side and she builds up my Domme side as well. She is the supportive protector of Me. But even I can't always fight her. It is very difficult to want something more than anything else in the world, yet have your own mind stop it from happening. 

 

So, Daddy. You wanted to know how we could grow around this, and to that I say; we already are. In my opinion, Alphas are born from their environment. It isn't a kink or BDSM identity, but rather something someone develops over time due to their circumstance. And when it is a defense mechanism, the only way to work around it is to work through it. Over time I have developed obvious love for you, but more importantly, I have grown to trust you. You are the reason my littlespace has ever seen the light of day. And this is because I don't believe my little, puppy or sub would ever be taken advantage of or neglected by you. But there is no cure. I fight that instinct to take charge daily and with time - and our new space - I believe I wont feel so constricted. And I wont feel the need to control every little thing, because I can breathe and let you care for me. And I think that is what a lot of Alphas want.

 

Alphas aren't so different from submissives. They gain power and happiness when their control is willingly given to another, trusted, counterpart. I honestly think my Alpha would love to retire, she is exhausted, I am exhausted. I don't want to be the leader in the house. I do not wish to overrule my Daddy. I want to follow his rules and be a good little girl. But sometimes it just isn't possible. Sometimes, even when deep in my littlespace mindset, my Alpha will snatch me out and I am back to 'regular' Me. I don't know how to change this mental flip, I am still learning much like yourself. I know you want to know more ways to help me be the me I want to be (okay... try sayin that 5 times fast), and I am thinking of things to try left right and center. And I think I finally found an answer, something simple and obvious; structure.

 

What I think a lot of people don't realize is how a routine can really help center someone. I haven't had a proper routine in about 8 years and I think this has inhibited my confidence in allowing my Alpha to take a break. When you are always expecting the unexpected, how can you not be prepared for the worst? And how can you not protect the most vulnerable? You can't. However, as time passes and a routine is maintained it inherently solves two things; 1. This routine allows everything to just fall into place. We know who is who and what is expected and time lines take away all of the guesswork. This is relaxing to someone who doesn't have order in their disorganized life. And 2. The time passed just compounds the evidence that I, Daddy, have nothing to fear from you. This is the biggest element in allowing my Alpha to take a back seat. Why do I need a guardian (Alpha) when I have zero doubts because of my Daddy?

 

Everything has been chaos for us in the past 6 months and so I reckon this is our true beginning. To all of my Alpha friends out there - I know your struggle, and I have been fighting it for years. But it doesn't always have to be a struggle. And I don't think I will allow it to remain one. At the end of the day the person I count on the most is my Daddy. Between him and a constant and accountable routine, I think my Alpha will be able to take a true vacation.

 

I hope this clears a few things up. And maybe a few people could offer any input on their experiences. This one is stumping me. Then again, maybe this is all ramblings of a madwoman and doesn't make much sense. Oh well. But all I know for certain, is that I couldn't be happier working these things out with my Daddy.

 

I love you!

Little Illy

 

[Guest little_ballerina]

I strongly relate to being a strong/competent/independent adult and that side of me "limits who I could ever be with". I too am a submissive privately who needs a Dominant with relatively higher strength/fortitude to my own. I need that for the heightened respect/attraction/letting go stuff to happen. I worked this out early on and decided to wait for Mr Compatible. It was only during our relationship that we discovered we're DDlg too.

 

I don't relate to the rest though. It's probably just a case that everyone's different but in case something I say gives you an idea to explore, I'll talk a bit about how I am. The first thing that's different is I have fluid mental states. It's easy for me to shift from serious adult to submissive little (around Daddy).

 

You mentioned the word trust. I think that's an enormous thing in this lifestyle. I have very few rules and have never been punished. I like seeing myself as a good girl (obedient with good self discipline etc) but I wonder if a big part of that isn't actually I'm just very good at trusting. I trust Daddy's authority and leadership. I see him making good decisions and self respecting generally in his life and I trust that extrapolates to how he'll be with me if I ever tested him. I also trust my adult self; I chose my DD wisely and I KNOW I'd immediately self protect if something never agreed upon happened (abuse etc). I've made that promise to myself. I don't need to expect the unexpected since I trust.

 

I've noticed some people who have been through trauma have their self trust fractured -- almost like; 'why didn't I see that coming? I can't trust myself to protect myself' and then they become over controlling, even a little hypervigilant, possibly even a pinch paranoid to compensate ('never again!'). So on the face of it, it looks like they don't trust others but it's actually themselves they don't trust. In those cases it's acknowledgement, self forgiveness, trusting that you learned and that you can trust yourself again (to self protect if it came down to it) is the direction required. Just a thought, I have no idea if that is relevant to you.

 

I should note I know nothing about being a brat, so little I don't know if that's part of this. Since everyone is different it makes sense to me that some subs/littles will need to feel their DD's authority in a very direct and frequent way. Perhaps these subs are more 'physical' (hands on learning, if you will ) where I'm pretty cerebral in nature.

 

For me, less is more when it comes to rules and punishments. I read my Daddy's calm/relaxed vibe as very confident in his control (which relaxes me, makes me let go). With the way I'm wired, too many rules/punishments would signal something less secure. I also like to be trusted by my Daddy and have some space to control myself (I'm ~8ish when little). I want my 'good girl' to be originating in me, a gift to my Daddy, not something born from a long list of rules.

 

But that's just me

[Guest deactivated]

deleted

Edited September 10, 2018 by mung bean

[mintypowder]

I can not thank you enough for putting what I've been going through into words... 

[LittleTurtle]

Thank you. So much. I have in the past couple of months just discovered this universe (yeah I have spent my entire summer vacation learning about the BDSM universe - reading books, on forums, chatting with people etc... ).

 

Lately then, I stubmled into the DD/lt section of it. At first I don't think I understood, but I read more and learned more. 

 

And this. This makes so much sense to me. I grew up dealing with low self-esteem, bullying and a home that was in some ways abusive. I have spent years building walls for either blocking people out or keeping me in. Always on my toes on what is going to happen next and feeling scared and vulnerable. I have to learned to be my own parent and try to take charge; because then I'd feel safe I guess? Then there is no need to give myself 'in' to someone. I have a hard time trusting people - and myself - which makes it hard for me to engage in a relationship. 

 

This whole world of domination/submission has turned my whole world upside down and made me think a lot. 

As I thought I knew I was submissive I then had an online chat with a dom - and I sort of.. took control... But I do not want to control things in that matter. So I then started to think it was not an environment for me... But I have always been the 'good-girl' and I know I like to please people.. 

 

Then finding this daddy/little part of the universe had made me realize that maybe I'm out for a more nurturing and guiding sort of dominance... I often feel stressed and yes. I am exhausted. 

 

I am grateful for how much I have learned over the summer.

 

Thank you. 

I did not know this was a thing.

Thank you for putting it into words.

Edited August 20, 2018 by Philosopher_DK

[BabyBird0891]

Wow Illy, you just expressed so well what Daddy and I figured out about me early last week.

He is a bit more permissive than your Daddy is, and that works for us, but I totally understand where you are coming from, almost to the word.

[Little Illy]

You mentioned the word trust. I think that's an enormous thing in this lifestyle. I have very few rules and have never been punished. I like seeing myself as a good girl (obedient with good self discipline etc) but I wonder if a big part of that isn't actually I'm just very good at trusting. I trust Daddy's authority and leadership. I see him making good decisions and self respecting generally in his life and I trust that extrapolates to how he'll be with me if I ever tested him. I also trust my adult self; I chose my DD wisely and I KNOW I'd immediately self protect if something never agreed upon happened (abuse etc). I've made that promise to myself. I don't need to expect the unexpected since I trust.

 

For me, less is more when it comes to rules and punishments. I read my Daddy's calm/relaxed vibe as very confident in his control (which relaxes me, makes me let go). With the way I'm wired, too many rules/punishments would signal something less secure. I also like to be trusted by my Daddy and have some space to control myself (I'm ~8ish when little). I want my 'good girl' to be originating in me, a gift to my Daddy, not something born from a long list of rules.

 

But that's just me

 

Trust is a big factor in any relationship - and I really value your insight! It actually isn't all that different from mine

 

'Expect the unexpected' actually didn't reflect is, lets say, a Daddy crossed the line. Expect the unexpected is when you get close to someone and they leave you. When you find your partner, yet for whatever reason, you can't be together for a technicality. 

 

Daddy and I live in a very unpredictable world; I moved across the world to be with him. Left my life, family and resources in the states and moved to a country who, I found out all too late, is a little put off by Americans. So we have been beaten down by employment, immigration, discrimination, isolation, etc because of the decision that he and I want to be together. And that is how my entire life has been. If there is one thing I can count on, it is that I will always protect myself - that is my Alpha. I never doubt my capabilities in physically (or mentally) fighting back. But what I cannot count on, is stability. My life never had it. Even when I am happy and successful - that is when my medical issues flare up, that is when certain people in my life make things difficult... in other words, I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop in any given situation in my life. If something good happens, my mind automatically asks "what am I going to have to do to keep THIS one?"

 

So your explanation is very interesting as it is almost spot on - but instead of not trusting myself, I simply don't trust existence. I don't trust everything will 'be okay' because empirically, in my life, nothing was every okay. There was always a struggle. And what is catching me up now is that Daddy and I are getting to a point where all the fighting over the past 2 years (Us vs The World) are showing the seeds of our labor. We are in a space where we are comfortable. We are on the right path for everything to be squared away legally (immigration, etc) and we are genuinely loving one another. 

 

But I can't help but here my Alpha go - 'Yes, but until when?'

 

I supposed the rules and punishments, for me, is a sign that my Daddy/Dom is one to follow through. One who can stand toe to toe with me. I don't require a ton of rules, but I do desire a TPE. I desire a TPE because of everything in my original post. But to me, a man who sets a rule, sees it broken and then follows through is a man of his word. Too many Daddies and 'Daddies' don't want to take on the heavy responsibility of truly help a woman define herself. To help her be the person she wants to be. To be her partner in life that allows you both to grow into the people you have always wanted.

 

But... it is incredibly hard and takes a toll on the 'strict' partner; you must hold them to certain standards and never back off. You must accept that you may have to be the bad guy and show her what she did wrong (punishment). And so on. Of course, as an adult, I have complete control over myself and my actions and do not wish for any man to hand hold my hand as I grow as a person, not in a dependency way. But rather have that man hold the hand of my Little of the leash of my Puppy and help them learn they don't always have to test his mettle. That is where the rules come in. They are a vetting technique as well as a common practice in TPE.

 

Which is why I ask Daddy to be strict with me. And he knows this, he knows that to me it is a sign of care. Because the moment I get used to the idea of a Follow-Through Daddy, I relax. I don't try to break the rules and I just live and listen. But it is constantly that gap between realizing he does follow through and realizing Life isn't allowing us to both be us that triggers my Alpha. The uncertainty. And in the life we live in today, everything is uncertain. 

 

__________________

 

Little Balerina - like I mentioned, I really appreciate your input! It was quite thought provoking... sorry... heh, I just kinda rambled on there. But I appreciate your version of the dynamic! It helps me think outside my box!

Edited August 21, 2018 by Little Illy

[Little Illy]

I have a tendency to overthink as well as struggling with chronic fatigue, so being a functioning adult is more often than not very tiring. I still wouldn't change it for anything in the world. To me, it's vital that power exchange is a choice, not a need. By my personal definition, that's the line between healthy and unhealthy. I would never want a Daddy because I'm inept and need someone to take care of me. I've been wondering for a while if the reason I value choice over need is that I'm disabled, so I need the little mastery I have in my life to stay sane and not feel utterly useless. I'd love some outside input. c:

 

I've been wondering if my brattiness is the product of my normal headspace bleeding into my littlespace. A space where I want to submit and be a good girl, but not being able to respect my Dom. I consider myself to be a capable thinker, but Doms who can't keep up with me in general, can't dominate me even when I'm little/submissive. I suppose, I subconsciously won't let them. (God, I sound so pretentious.)

 

Actually both Daddy and I have chronic conditions - Daddy so much that he is in an electric wheelchair. And you are absolutely right, though I am no where as "severe" as some people, I do have my own conditions that literally make just walking hurt. So I understand and agree with you - there is a massive difference between wanting this Power Exchange instead of needing it!

 

What I need right now is for my current relationship to reflect the desires of my identity (i.e. a Total Power Exchange), but I would never get into a relationship because I need a daddy to function. THAT is a massive difference and a great point I think you made! I'd almost suggest you talk to Daddy for input, but he is never on. Legally and day-to-day I am Daddy's carer. Like I physically care for him because he is considered severely disabled physically. But even though he does depend on me, he is my Dominant. Daddy and I have devised correct phrasing so when Daddy does need to ask me over and over for things (like if he broke another bone or something and is on bed rest), he is asking but in a way that 1. Doesn't demean him and 2. Maintains control over his Dom-Hood if you will.

 

He will say things like "Sweetheart, can you adjust this for Daddy? Good girl." or "Baby I need you to do X, Y or Z for me. I know you don't want to, but Daddy really appreciates it."  This phrasing allows him to ask for the help he legitimately needs, but also softens the requests and comes from 'Daddy asking his LG' versus just asking and this man expecting his fiance to jump at his beck and need. There is a respect that has been born from me being his physical Carer yet he being my Caregiver. And because language for us leaves so much of an impression, that correcting our phrases has allowed us to bridge that gap of "need/want" and "useless/understanding."

 

As for those Doms who can't keep up - I feel those feels on a visceral level. You don't sound pretentious, you sound like someone who knows what she needs to be happy and you stand by it. Nothing wrong with that!

[Little Illy]

Thank you. So much. I have in the past couple of months just discovered this universe (yeah I have spent my entire summer vacation learning about the BDSM universe - reading books, on forums, chatting with people etc... ).

 

Lately then, I stubmled into the DD/lt section of it. At first I don't think I understood, but I read more and learned more. 

 

And this. This makes so much sense to me. I grew up dealing with low self-esteem, bullying and a home that was in some ways abusive. I have spent years building walls for either blocking people out or keeping me in. Always on my toes on what is going to happen next and feeling scared and vulnerable. I have to learned to be my own parent and try to take charge; because then I'd feel safe I guess? Then there is no need to give myself 'in' to someone. I have a hard time trusting people - and myself - which makes it hard for me to engage in a relationship. 

 

This whole world of domination/submission has turned my whole world upside down and made me think a lot. 

As I thought I knew I was submissive I then had an online chat with a dom - and I sort of.. took control... But I do not want to control things in that matter. So I then started to think it was not an environment for me... But I have always been the 'good-girl' and I know I like to please people.. 

 

Then finding this daddy/little part of the universe had made me realize that maybe I'm out for a more nurturing and guiding sort of dominance... I often feel stressed and yes. I am exhausted. 

 

I am grateful for how much I have learned over the summer.

 

Thank you. 

I did not know this was a thing.

Thank you for putting it into words.

 

Summer vacation? I've spent my extra time over the past 10 years researching human behavior, kink/kinks, BDSM, and DDlg. Trust me, I know how exciting it is! And Im so happy you have given yourself the chance to truly explore what is out there! I recommend going through this forum for further research needs in the DDlg / CG/L areas as this is the most comprehensive site on the topic! Never stop researching though!!

[Little Illy]

I relate to this sooooo much! Thank you xx

 

I can not thank you enough for putting what I've been going through into words... 

 

Wow Illy, you just expressed so well what Daddy and I figured out about me early last week.

He is a bit more permissive than your Daddy is, and that works for us, but I totally understand where you are coming from, almost to the word.

 

I'm glad you all found a bit of familiarity in this post. It actually makes me feel like I am less alone. We all get that "why am I the only one like this" - itis and that has been me with my Alpha side. After listening to all those women and men who easily slip into Obedient Little Mode, it makes a self-aware person start to question herself.

 

So thank you all for validating me. I appreciate it and feel just a wee bit more confident in reining in my Alpha and letting my other sides out to play more.  

[Guest DuckDaddy66]

Wow Illy, you just expressed so well what Daddy and I figured out about me early last week.

He is a bit more permissive than your Daddy is, and that works for us, but I totally understand where you are coming from, almost to the word.

I love her dearly.   Being patient and understanding each other and both knowing that communicating is essential.  Interestingly our dynamic formed before we knew about the DDLG space.  We are both lucky that we were compatible as a compliment and alike.  

Edited August 23, 2018 by DuckDaddy66

[Guest DuckDaddy66]

I know this all seems counterproductive, but Alpha isn't the only part of who I am, she is just the loudest. I am all I mentioned above and I desperately need to be able to let those parts of me out. At my core I am a sub, and then the rest follows. Being an Alpha sub who requires a strong Dominant can be vexing because... well... it limits who I could ever be with. It creates parameters of the lifestyle I have always wanted to live because it can't just be with any Dom or any Daddy. I can't even try with just any of them, I need specific substance to believe that my Alpha will allow my little out in front of him. And it becomes disheartening over time. You think you have found suitable partners, just to find out later that they were all talk and no action. Or to figure out they actually want a CG and was drawn to you due to your own air of dominance. After so many let downs, you start to expect it. 'No, he isn't Dom enough for me,' or 'When is he really gonna show his true colors? What will it be this time?' And this isn't to the devaluing of any one person, but it screams of incompatibility and a tendency to always expect it.

 

A little about me, I have always been attracted to strong independent women.  My little is also an alpha. She has to be as a lawyer.  She will fucking tear you up and spit you out. While that is a strong attraction for me, there was more to her I could tell.  As we developed trust and friendship, I got to meet the little. 

 

So any Daddy who has a strong alpha little, you should be honored. 

For an alpha to bring out the little and show you trust, is a huge leap of trust and huge risk for them.

Do not ever take Alpha Littles lightly.

So when they need that DOM to them, never disappointment them. 

Because they have a alpha streak, that can work as advantage. They will always be little to their daddy but to outsiders, they are strong protectors as well. 

 

I am honored to be a Daddy to my little.

 

And Little Illy's Daddy, you should be honored too to have a great person by your side.

[Quirkygrl16]

I relate so so much to this. I am alpha and struggle so hard letting anyone actually be dominant with me..but I need that so bad

[MisterJ]

Edited August 30, 2018 by MisterJ

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

It has taken almost a month for me to gather my thoughts on this subject.  Thank you, Illy, for starting this conversation.  You have put words to a lot of concepts that I didn't even know how to begin to explain.  Hope you guys have worked  out a gameplan, but just in case you need another perspective, here's mine.

 

"All my life I had to be the strong one, the leader, the therapist and the one who basically held everything together."

 

I have over thirty years of experience telling me that I am the only one who is strong enough to hold myself together.   I'm not sure how unusual this experience is, but it is easy for me to judge a person as too weak or too soft or too dumb to be worthy of my time.  Part of this comes from trying to shield myself from disappointment or hurt.  Part of it comes from high expectations. This happens with friendships, but the place where it hits hardest is romantic relationships.  I want more than anything to find a partner who can be the strong one.  I just haven't found one stronger than me yet.

 

"Every time an order is given, a punishment brandished or even a reward received, my Alpha wants to fight back. Why should I ask for a snack? Its my damn house. And who do you think you are, 'rewarding me' for 'good behavior??"

 

It seems important to point out that these are automatic thought processes, the immediate defensiveness and questioning of orders.  It isn't something I sit there and think, "Hm, what response would piss him off the most?"  It is like when  something is coming at your face and you blink.  An automatic response to external stimuli.  I guess these can be trained out of you over time, but it takes faith and trust to believe that something isn't really going to hit you in the eye.  When you are used to taking care of yourself, it also takes faith and trust to believe that daddy knows best.

 

Part of the reason for the automatic responses is experience.  Past experience has taught me that I know when I should eat, that I know what good behavior looks like, and that when someone else controls these things, they sometimes get it wrong.  I hate getting things wrong.  That kind of experience isn't something that can just vanish overnight.  It needs to be worked out, over and over and over. 

 

But I also think a strong part of it for me is intelligence and flexible cognitive abilities.  You want to set a rule?  I can think of 100 ways around that rule.  And yet, I don't actually want to succeed in the attempt to circumvent the rule.  For me, agreement with rules and punishments is a huge deal.  Unilaterally dictating decisions to me is likely to get you punched in the face.  I need explanation, I need to understand, and I need to agree.  Especially at the beginning when the trust is still being built.

 

"When a man tries to act dominant, but he isn't up to my level of mental strength, I actually lose respect for his Dom side."

 

This part sucks.  Because I don't actually want to be with an emotionless robot.  But I do want someone stronger than me - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  In the absence of that, consistency is key.  Follow through with agreements, keep your promises, and spend some time listening, because I usually know exactly what I did wrong and what the punishment should be.  All I really need is someone to enforce the rules and hold me accountable.

[Little Illy]

It has taken almost a month for me to gather my thoughts on this subject.  Thank you, Illy, for starting this conversation.  You have put words to a lot of concepts that I didn't even know how to begin to explain.  Hope you guys have worked  out a gameplan, but just in case you need another perspective, here's mine.

 

"All my life I had to be the strong one, the leader, the therapist and the one who basically held everything together."

 

I have over thirty years of experience telling me that I am the only one who is strong enough to hold myself together.   I'm not sure how unusual this experience is, but it is easy for me to judge a person as too weak or too soft or too dumb to be worthy of my time.  Part of this comes from trying to shield myself from disappointment or hurt.  Part of it comes from high expectations. This happens with friendships, but the place where it hits hardest is romantic relationships.  I want more than anything to find a partner who can be the strong one.  I just haven't found one stronger than me yet.

 

"Every time an order is given, a punishment brandished or even a reward received, my Alpha wants to fight back. Why should I ask for a snack? Its my damn house. And who do you think you are, 'rewarding me' for 'good behavior??"

 

It seems important to point out that these are automatic thought processes, the immediate defensiveness and questioning of orders.  It isn't something I sit there and think, "Hm, what response would piss him off the most?"  It is like when  something is coming at your face and you blink.  An automatic response to external stimuli.  I guess these can be trained out of you over time, but it takes faith and trust to believe that something isn't really going to hit you in the eye.  When you are used to taking care of yourself, it also takes faith and trust to believe that daddy knows best.

 

Part of the reason for the automatic responses is experience.  Past experience has taught me that I know when I should eat, that I know what good behavior looks like, and that when someone else controls these things, they sometimes get it wrong.  I hate getting things wrong.  That kind of experience isn't something that can just vanish overnight.  It needs to be worked out, over and over and over. 

 

But I also think a strong part of it for me is intelligence and flexible cognitive abilities.  You want to set a rule?  I can think of 100 ways around that rule.  And yet, I don't actually want to succeed in the attempt to circumvent the rule.  For me, agreement with rules and punishments is a huge deal.  Unilaterally dictating decisions to me is likely to get you punched in the face.  I need explanation, I need to understand, and I need to agree.  Especially at the beginning when the trust is still being built.

 

"When a man tries to act dominant, but he isn't up to my level of mental strength, I actually lose respect for his Dom side."

 

This part sucks.  Because I don't actually want to be with an emotionless robot.  But I do want someone stronger than me - mentally, emotionally, and physically.  In the absence of that, consistency is key.  Follow through with agreements, keep your promises, and spend some time listening, because I usually know exactly what I did wrong and what the punishment should be.  All I really need is someone to enforce the rules and hold me accountable.

 

Sachita, I really appreciate your responses. I am still mulling over the other, sensitive, post I made about leaving everyone behind. But your replies always comfort me in some way. I don't know if its because you've taken the time to explain, or because I see myself in a lot of what you say.

 

"Past experience has taught me that I know when I should eat, that I know what good behavior looks like, and that when someone else controls these things, they sometimes get it wrong.  I hate getting things wrong."

 

"You want to set a rule?  I can think of 100 ways around that rule.  And yet, I don't actually want to succeed in the attempt to circumvent the rule.  For me, agreement with rules and punishments is a huge deal.  Unilaterally dictating decisions to me is likely to get you punched in the face.  I need explanation, I need to understand, and I need to agree.  Especially at the beginning when the trust is still being built."

 

This hit home. Because this is exactly how I feel. I know how to act properly, how to eat, what to eat and how to be good. But when someone controls those things, my mind is flipped and I question them. And I try to find all of the loopholes (ask Daddy...) How do they know what my body should have? How how how? And then when the trust is there and I start listening, (for instance, with Daddy) but now I find he wants things done his way and not the way I normally do it, it causes me stress and my Alpha threatens to rear up.

 

I eat a lean meat, a veggie and potatoes every night... why does he want me to eat two veggies? I don't need it. Why does he think I need it... oh... he just wants me to be healthy... 

 

Its a hard thing for me to swallow. I have found every time Daddy tells me to do something, unless sick or exhausted, my mind automatically tries to come up with how he is wrong. And Daddy isn't wrong. Daddy knows what I need better than myself most times I am sick. Because I am too stubborn. But when he says something, like last night for example, "baby you need to go to bed. Lets get you in the dark and quiet (I have a migraine)." my first thought was "oh! So you don't wanna sleep in the same bed as me, huh? I don't need to sleep in the dark, I hate the dark!" But I didn't say or act out any of those automatic responses. I listened to Daddy, he tucked me in and I was so grateful to be in the dark and quiet. My head finally stopped splitting open to such a degree. And I knew Daddy was right, but I just get that "oh yeah?" immediately and it sucks.

 

Daddy and I are working through these initial reactions. And Daddy is probably the most patient man alive to deal with me during everything going on. He and I are going to be okay and I am feeling more and more little every day, and when I am little, I tend to trust Daddy at least half blindly. 

 

Thank you, Sachita, you gave me a lot to think about, and I'm gonna make Daddy read your reply. Thank you again

[Guest Mmesasha]

“

I have over thirty years of experience telling me that I am the only one who is strong enough to hold myself together. ”

 

Yes. This. I wonder if I will be able to trust enough to open up and get past that. I want to.