PSA: Power Exchange Does Not Mean Powerless

[Little Illy]

*Waves* Hey guys! For this piece I will be using the DDlg pronouns for simplicity and time saving. I do not devalue any other role or identity. I should also note that this is an issue found on both sides of a relationship, both from CG and Little. But because I have seen this happen drastically more from the little's end, that is what I am focusing on. 

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On this forum alone we have a pattern of threads that come in waves. They ebb and flow, but they are never really gone. And these threads are commonly about how a little feels powerless to make a change in the relationship. They are afraid to break a rule or agreement they have, they are insecure on how to bring up a limit or fear, they do things because they feel it is expected (even though they don't like it) and more. And what it comes down to is it seems like littles feel like when they enter a power exchange (i.e. DDlg dynamic, unless they are those without the exchange, I digress), they lose their voice. 

 

It is a common mindset to have - when you have a Daddy, a Dom, a Sir, a Master, that you have to obey his rules and commands. And this is based in the knowledge that to obey him, he must know how to properly control and care for you. What is wrong is when a DD oversteps, makes a mistake, doesn't understand or does something that hasn't been previously discussed (exploring) and you, the little, do not make him aware of it. He created the action, and maybe he should not, but you now have the responsibility and the job to make him aware of his actions.

 

It does not matter what kind of relationship you have, if someone crosses a line, even by a toe, you have the right, the need and the responsibility to speak up for yourself. Even in a hardcore, BDSM Master/Slave relationship, if that Master gives a command that the slave cannot handle or does not ever want, she will ALWAYS have a right to discuss it. And I know it sounds like common sense and everyone does it... but does this sound common:

 

"Daddy got really sexual the other night when I was in little space, he knows it makes me uncomfy and ended up stopping when I asked. But I am worried he may try again. What do I do?"

 

"Daddy keeps forgetting to text me. I don't hear from him for days and he says its 'cuz he is so busy. But it is really starting to bother me because we used to text and call all the time. I'm worried he isn't interested in me, I don't know what to do."

 

"My Mommy is mad I didn't follow my bedtime, but I cannot sleep. I don't want her to be angry, but I don't know what to do?"

 

"My Daddy is a switch and he understands I am just a little. But he keeps asking me to be more dominant during specific times. I don't want to at all, but I don't know how to show him that."

 

Do you see the common theme? They don't know what to do and they don't see how just using their voice they can make the desired change happen. By speaking up and using the power of being 1/2 of the relationship, they can adjust things so both involved are happy.

 

What we are seeing is littles afraid to express their concerns to their partners. Or even worse, forced to comply or act on things they don't want to (and not just because they don't, but because they genuinely don't like it). And so, for those who need to hear it:

 

For those who are upset with how their partner has acted or their expectations - no matter what kind of relationship or dynamic you are in, you always have the power to stop everything and anything.

 

You have the power to stop a session, you have the power to say no to your Master, your Daddy and your Dom. You have the power to stop something that is hurting you, making you uncomfortable or simply because you don't understand. You have the power to change the parameters of your dynamic, best to suit your partner AND yourself. You. Have. The. Power. To. Say. Stop.

 

I think when people get into a dynamic-based relationship they forget about this power, they forget about their voice and they forget about communication. So I am here to say, no matter how scary, you have the Power to make sure you are in the best space mentally and physically. And you will never be wrong for doing so.

 

[Author's Note: This piece was not edited nor proof read. Apologies for any errors or typos.]

Edited August 27, 2018 by Little Illy

[Guest AMS23]

Well said. I noticed lots of people feel they are afraid to change in a relationship or often times stick in an abusive relationship because they feel powerless. That’s sad to see and I agree it comes in waves on here. I believe a proper power exchange in a relationship makes the sub more powerful. Stong. They have the power to say no and to leave. To change rules and speak up when they feel wronged or if something is not right. <3

[LittleGirlEmilia]

Communication is essential in relationships anyway, however, I believe it's more accurate to our dynamic or other power exchange relationships. So many of the issues that people post about can be solved by talking to their partner and speaking up. But, I do think that the majority of these people are somewhat new to these type of dynamics and aren't sure, or they need reassurance/support to speak up, and that's what we're all here for. To be there for each other. 

 

People do need to be reminded that they have a voice, they do need to remember they have the power to change things that make them feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I think it's experience and knowledge that'll help them with that, and it's entirely their decision if they want to read everything and go slow. You know as well as I do that far too many jump head first into our lifestyle knowing next to nothing about it and that's been a persistent problem. 

 

But to the people who feel like they don't have a voice, you do. Your voice matters.

[Little Illy]

Communication is essential in relationships anyway, however, I believe it's more accurate to our dynamic or other power exchange relationships. So many of the issues that people post about can be solved by talking to their partner and speaking up. But, I do think that the majority of these people are somewhat new to these type of dynamics and aren't sure, or they need reassurance/support to speak up, and that's what we're all here for. To be there for each other. 

 

People do need to be reminded that they have a voice, they do need to remember they have the power to change things that make them feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I think it's experience and knowledge that'll help them with that, and it's entirely their decision if they want to read everything and go slow. You know as well as I do that far too many jump head first into our lifestyle knowing next to nothing about it and that's been a persistent problem. 

 

But to the people who feel like they don't have a voice, you do. Your voice matters.

 

Barbie, as always, you're absolutely right! Everyone is tired of me saying it, but communication is key. I guess I should be my obnoxious self and drop this here:

 

https://www.ddlgforum.com/topic/28037-communication-is-vital/ (SFW) - Importance of communication

 

And youre right again, those who need to take the time rarely do. I guess this is me trying to reach those newer members or members with negative experience. 

 

As you said, Barbie. For everyone - Your voice matters.

Edited August 26, 2018 by Little Illy

[Guest DuckDaddy66]

 

Do you see the common theme? They don't know what to do and they don't see how just using their voice they can make the desired change happen. By speaking up and using the power of being 1/2 of the relationship, they can adjust things so both involved are happy.

 

 

What we also need is for more caretakers to pay attention to the sub side and ask "are you ok?"  While they may not speak up, it's important for Daddies, Mommies, and Doms to make space for that voice too.  This should always be part of the session and aftercare. And then this is the most important part of the caretaker side, is to respect what they say and it's not a personal reflection of the authority given or the caretaker's ego.  

[Quirkygrl16]

This post just made me tear up. I recently had something happen that I don't feel comfortable posting here it's really messed with me to the point I dont feel comfortable regressing. I dont feel safe... thank you for reassuring I ha e the right to say no

[Guest Looby-Lou]

Thank you all. This thread has helped me.  I do speak up in my relationship, but I've realised that I often wait until I feel like I just HAVE to speak up or bust. And that I'm often apologetic about saying I don't like something/am not comfortable/want to change something.

I'm good, really really good, at speaking up on behalf of other people. Not so much on behalf of myself.

So thanks Illy for raising this so eloquently and to the other contributors for your reminders and tips!

[MisterJ]

This is especially important for a total power exchange. We can't read your minds, please let us know.

[Angel24]

Say it a little louder for those in the back! It frustrates me to hear stories like this of subs feeling like crap because they don't want to speak up to their Doms. A real Dom would never completely ignore a sub's worries and the things that upset them...that's not a Dom, that's an unfeeling walking bag of bones.

[SamL]

If you can't come to Daddy and tell me what is wrong, then we don't have the kind of DDlg relationship I want.  I can work on making it the kind of DDlg relationship I want if I know what's wrong.  Therefore, you are doing me a favor when you tell me.