*NSFW TRIGGER WARNING*My ex sent me a friend request and it made me relive all the pain i have worked so hard to forget

[Guest Avi]

A little backstory about my ex. She lives in a different country and we met last year in february. She was in a very abusive and manipulative relationship when we met through mutual friends. We quickly grew close and it didnt take me long to figure out i felt strongly about her. I kept it to myself though. I tried being there for her as much as i could. Her boyfriend at the time was the worst of the worst.he abused her physically and mentally and even did things to her. I tried to sound the alarm. I told mutual friends. Told them to step up and confront the guy. Hell, i even went as far as calling the police in her area. But it was of no use. The report had to come from her. All they would do was take not of my name and address. Finally, she stood up to him after months of backing her up and being there for her and encouraging her to take back control of her life. (About 3 months in us having contact she admitted she loved me)

She broke up with him and things were looking up. I even was able to convince her to seek professional help.

 

In december i decided to finally come meet her. I was there for 3 days and they were the happiest of my life. We instantly clicked and within 2 minutes she was clinging to my arm, and our mutual friend told me she really never allowed anyone in her space.

 

After i left, everything spiraled out of control. She already had depression, social anxiety and loubimia. Now she started displaying split personality disorder. She would literally talk to me asif she was someone else and would talk about her "real " self and how she wanted to kill her. It was frightening. I talked with her social worker and tried to do as much as i could, but nobody listened. She frequently cut herself. More and more and more. I came back for her as soon as i had the money, in early april, for as much as 10 days. Even though things were getting better with me there, its not like all her problems are just gone with the wind. She still cut herself and i even tended to her wounds. I will never forget her lying on that bed and me cleaning her bloody chest... all i ever wanted was to protect and take care of her..

 

In my last day there she told me that after i leave she will kill herself. She didnt have the will to live since i couldnt be there. It made me feel.. hollow.. the girl i loved with all my heart. Who i fought for harder than i ever fought for myself. The girl for who i quit colllege. I would have gone to the end of the world.. after i left, she became cold to me. And colder.. and colder.. i took a heavy construction job just to get back to her. I worked my ass off and sweat day after day. I was going to be the man to save her. I refused to let her drown in her sorrow!!

 

But she pushed and pushed.. she started prioritizing anything over me. Started to get mad daily and not interested. Everytime we called or snapped there was this sadness in her voice and face.

 

While i was at work i ended it. I couldn't do it anymore.. everything i did.. it wasnt enough.

 

I broke off contact immediately. Blocked her on everything. In the following month she got a new boyfriend. Moved out of town and is doing amazing. She is happy and posting on social media. Suddenly, today i get a friend request. Its her.

When i go to her page i see tons of pictures of her boyfriend. And i realized.. she never posted pictures of me. She always kept me secret. Hidden away from everyone as much as she could.

I feel played. I feel like she purposefully drove me to my limit. Like she even went as far as fake some of her illnesses. All my friends who know her say she hasnt been displaying any of those toxic habits. That she is socializing and happy. The second im out of the picture she starts living.

 

 

And i start dying.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Guest Avi]

Just for those wondering,im doing fine! i just had to share my story even though i really didnt do it any service and i merely scraped the surface.

[Guest lilprincess1703]

Hi,

 

Im really sorry you are having a hard time, and that you are feeling these things. 

 

All I can really say is please dont blame yourself. Without sounding mean (this isnt meant to be mean), what she went through herself was a lot bigger than you. I am an abuse survivor myself, and let me tell you, the way I treated some people in the aftermath of getting out of that relationship... well, im still making amends to some bridges I burnt, during and after being in an abusive relationship. In no way is this an excuse for her behaviour or treatment of you. 

 

BUT being in an abusive relationship warps one's whole perspective on all relationships - friendships, romantic, family, everything. It sounds like she really found it hard to cope after the relationship she was in. And to some extent, you were a distraction from that. She was able to look to you for support, and love. I'm tempted to say she took advantage of the love you had for her. I am in no way saying that she did this consciously, or meaning to hurt you. But personally, when I got away from my abuser, I looked everywhere I could to find love, reassurance, and validation from anyone who would give it to me. I was left feeling fragile, vulnerable, and incredibly insecure. I looked everywhere to create security for myself. 

 

It sounds like she distanced herself from you because she needed to completely separate herself from that part of her life. It sounds like you were an amazing support for her, but you are a bit of that part of her life that she needed to get away from. Which absolutely sucks... It's not that you weren't enough. It's just that in her head, you are intrinsically linked to a part of her life that was incredibly hard and painful. The toxic habits that she doesnt display anymore? I would guess that they were toxic habits that were created by her abuser. 

 

Abusive relationships are impossible to understand a lot of the time. It is a complex thing of power, control, manipulation, gaslighting and fear. The affect one has on a person is indescribable. 

 

Its not that the second you were out of her life, her life got better. I dont think the two are linked. You talk about wanting to save her. Truly, she must be the one to save and heal herself.

 

I can understand that this must be very hard for you. As for why she added you, Im not sure. Part of me thinks maybe she has realised what she has done, and wants to apologise. If she is happy and healthy and healing now, she may have gained some perspective on the way she treated you. 

 

I dont know if any of this is helpful. But whatever you do, do not blame yourself, and try and see the goodness in knowing that she is happy now. And you get to being happy too

[Guest Avi]

Thank you for your heartfelt reply. I did indeed consider that it could be because i was linked to her past. I knew the risks i took by dating her. I always said and will always say i do not regret a thing. I did everything i could to make it work and for her to be happy. I cannot do more than that. She really was kind and a beautiful person. About a month after we broke uo we briefly talked. She admitted she faked drama to get me to leave. She said she no longer felt safe and secure with me. She felt weirdly.. attentive. Not scared, but alert. This.. this broke my heart more than anything. I can understand it probably has to do with subconscious thoughts linking me to her past, but i always was a safehaven. I never did anything to compromise that.

 

I understand she probably did this to be able to move on, but holy shit did it hurt.. i have never in my life devoted myself to anything as much as her. I truly believed in her and really did everything i could. I would have done it over and over again.

 

Recently, i am doing much better. Since we broke up, i moved out to a different country and tried to move on. Make new memories. I deserve that. I would have done it all again, because i believe we as humans can overcome anything. We just need someone to believe, and eventually we will believe it ourselves..

 

Again, thank you so much for your kind words.

[Guest Avi]

Also thank you for allowing me to see things from her perspective. It actually means a lot and gives me at least some kind of closure

[Guest lilprincess1703]

 

I understand she probably did this to be able to move on, but holy shit did it hurt.. i have never in my life devoted myself to anything as much as her. I truly believed in her and really did everything i could. I would have done it over and over again.

 

Yeah this must be so difficult and painful... But know 100% that your presence in her life was a help, and part of her journey to healing and happiness. 

 

Im glad you're doing better and making new memories. As you said, you deserve those!! 

 

It'll take time to deal with this, and be able to understand it. You might never understand it. But things will get better, I know it. 

 

I am so happy you are getting some kind of closure. Try not to let it consume you. Let your brain tick on understanding things, while you make those new memories and live your life 

[Guest Avi]

Its an experience i am glad i had. As you said, i helped her out i her darkest days. She made me happy too. She gave me a goal to work on and showed me i can do anything i set my mind to.

 

I still believe in love and happiness, even though i still have a long way to go. I definetly dont want her back any more, which is a good thing! Not that i despise her, i just don't want to be with her anymore. I want to move on with my own life and find my own happiness:)

[Guest Aetherr]

Sounds to me like she was lucky to have you, i am glad you came out of it a stronger person this also reinforces my theory that dating someone who is or recently has been an abuser or a victim of abuse is just asking for trouble, i know its pointless to say this ins hindsight but it if were me i would have told her to get help and kept her at arms length but still be there until i knew she was healthy then allowed my emotions to take charge but like i said its easy to say that in hindsight

 

 

well done! tons of good karma your way

Edited August 26, 2018 by Aetherr

[LittleGirlEmilia]

Coming out of a relationship like that is a shock to the system, it doesn't justify it but it's the reason she treated you like that and acted like that. I don't quite know how to explain it, but this happens quite often unfortunately. It's now an experience of life you've gone through to make you more wise.

[Guest Avi]

Thank you guys for the kind words. I was most certainly naive to think i could actually make it work, but we made some amazing memories and in the end she is better off. So im glad.