Daddy before dating? Advice please.

[herbabydoll]

Okay, so I'm seeing this guy and we're pretty close and both want to make our dd/lg relationship, master/slave relationship and boyfriend-girlfriend relationship official, however, we have a small issue. He's not comfortable dating until we're official in a BDSM sense but I'm the opposite. I'm not comfortable becoming someones property until we're dating. If anyone had advice on how they'd go about this situation or experience in a similar one I would really appreciate it. Thank you x 

[sullenDaddybones]

Strange impasse but I've been there. I was seeing a girl where we neither dated nor had a BDS&M Relationship. Due to a misunderstanding we never saw each other again. I think the official term of our relationship was "Partners in Crime," at least in her own mind. 

 

Unfortunate

[LittleCelticLass]

I'm very confused. If you are seeing him, aren't you already dating? I'm not trying to be rude, but in my world (western U.S. Gen X) those are the same thing.

[herbabydoll]

I'm very confused. If you are seeing him, aren't you already dating? I'm not trying to be rude, but in my world (western U.S. Gen X) those are the same thing.

No we're not dating. We both have romantic feelings for eachother and are both interested in making both the bdsm aspect of us as well as the romantic aspect official however he doesn't been comfortable dating until I belong to him but i don't feel comfortable belonging to him unless we are datng.

Don't worry, you weren't rude at all

[Guest QueenJellybean]

so, i'm assuming that in this context "seeing someone" means the equivalent of what "courting" used to, right?

you guys are "talking", but not officially in a relationship of any kind.

the dilemma, then, is that he doesn't want to make any form of a romantic relationship official until you are his little/slave first, correct?

whereas, you think that the romantic/vanilla relationship should come before the titles in D/s & kink. 

 

if i'm understanding the above correctly, i'll put this as politely as i possibly can.

no, thanks. 

if he isn't willing to respect your absolutely reasonable request to get to know each other in a traditional sense of a relationship before taking ownership of you, 

he doesn't deserve to ever have ownership of you. 

 

imho.

[herbabydoll]

Th

 

 

so, i'm assuming that in this context "seeing someone" means the equivalent of what "courting" used to, right?

you guys are "talking", but not officially in a relationship of any kind.

the dilemma, then, is that he doesn't want to make any form of a romantic relationship official until you are his little/slave first, correct?

whereas, you think that the romantic/vanilla relationship should come before the titles in D/s & kink. 

 

if i'm understanding the above correctly, i'll put this as politely as i possibly can.

no, thanks. 

if he isn't willing to respect your absolutely reasonable request to get to know each other in a traditional sense of a relationship before taking ownership of you, 

he doesn't deserve to ever have ownership of you. 

 

imho.

 

thank you very much for your input. that's how I feel but whenever I say that he says needs to be my daddy officially before we can date for stability.

[PrinzeCharming]

Oh no, I see this as a red flag. Communication is already derailing before it arrives into the next commitment station. No matter what relationship you're in, vanilla or ddlg, you must always be comfortable with each other. That's the main rule to follow. This lifestyle is flexible and everyone can set their own boundaries, but comfort and trust are never black and white. You have to enforce the proper foundation for stability. You can't just make it work if you're already uncomfortable. If you jump into his demands, you're only accommodating his interest. He will never learn to accommodate yours.

 

It's starting off on the wrong foot. If he can't respect you, make you feel comfortable, and accommodate one important step that will ensure you're ready, there are many other deserving daddies out there for you. It's more common to see someone not comfortable with BDSM until someone dates, not the other way around. BDSM isn't part of the introductory dates. It generally falls into the depth of the relationship when both partners are comfortable with each other. My rule of thumb for any type of relationship, "If you have to question the health, status, and overall progression of a relationship, take a step back and reevaluate." People in healthy relationships rarely question why their relationship is working. It just works. If you're already hesitant with this guy, you're not looking good ahead. I feel as if this relationship is fueled by lust. Lust fluctuates more than love. I wish the best of luck in your decision. Listen to your heart.  

[idontknowanymore]

Very much what everyone else has said. 

 

One of you would need to make a concession to move forward, that much is obvious. However, I do think that yours is the most reasonable position. To me at least the 'ownership' should rarely come before having the actual relationship defined. Beyond anything else it potentially places you in a position as subordinate in the relationship from the outset; which isn't a good position to be in. 

[Guest QueenJellybean]

Th

 

thank you very much for your input. that's how I feel but whenever I say that he says needs to be my daddy officially before we can date for stability.

he doesn’t need to do anything. that’s a want.

& a very unfair one to force upon you.

[prince eefy]

i mean my daddy was my daddy before we started dating (odd i know, but we both agreed to it and were fine with it) but i think your situation sounds like a red flag. he sounds not very respectful. just listen to what your heart is telling you, i'd say. do what you think is right.

[Guest Aetherr]

daddy is a title earned you tell him that he has to earn it in your eye because you choose your daddy not the other way around

 

it could well be that he considers himself a daddy in his daily life almost like an identity, but just like i would say to anyone you can call yourself whatever you want but i am going to call you what you are, not what you want to be

when you are my daddy i will call you my daddy

[ShadowsGrace]

As the saying goes, "respect is earned not given." The same is said of trust, and both apply here. Obviously you are wanting and intending to have that form of relationship providing he shows he is a decent person in a regular dating situation and that you are compatible. You are offering what he wants as a relationship goal. Now is his time to earn the respect required for the title through dating and showing he is someone worthy of submitting to.

 

You have something special to give. He has something to prove. Ball is in his court. You don't walk into a dojo and demand to be a black belt. You fight for the title. If he won't fight for it now, will he ever fight for you?

 

No one should expect anything for free. Especially not ownership of another person. You aren't asking for much. Dinner, movies, some more in depth conversation? Being comfortable owning but not comfortable with something as simple (and enjoyable) as dating them shows one of two things imo.

 

1. Insecurity, having to feel better than you. Unable to meet you as an equal to show his worth.

2. Entitlement, thinking he should get what he wants without concern for your needs.

 

Both are very bad traits for a Dom.

[Guest Arc]

thank you very much for your input. that's how I feel but whenever I say that he says needs to be my daddy officially before we can date for stability.

 

You can have stability in a relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. There are tonnes of relationships out there that prove this. I can't think of any reasonable explanation as to how being in a ddlg relationship provides stability for a standard relationship. ._. 

 

If he's putting his wants before something that would make you comfortable and happy then I think that says a lot. Wanting to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to get to know one another before entering in a power exchange relationship is reasonable and, in my honest opinion, the right way to do things. It's easier to get to know each other in a simple relationship and work out if things are compatible before entering in that power exchange. 

 

He's disregarding your needs and what will make you comfortable before things have even started. If someone asked me to dive head first into the deep end and didn't care at all about any of my concerns, I'd be seriously considering if they're worth it.