A small dose of the red pill (TRIGGER WARNING of abuse and self harm )

[Bambi95]

So, hi there...again.

 

I umm... I'm not really sure where I want to put this or what I actually want to say. And I do apologise if this is extremely long, as I feel it might be. I just feel so strongly about this and well I guess I just wanted to rant.

 

So, basically Monday was my Daddy's birthday. It should have been a happy day right? Well it wasn't. We both got upset due to circumstances outside of our relationship and I started a fight. I had gotten overwhelmed with stress and freaked out. Now in the past I have made a post about my BPD and have been open about my breakdowns. This was definitely one of the worst ones.

 

I hit Daddy again and said even worse things to him. I threw things at him; shoes, expensive perfumes he bought me...a TV. So Daddy called the police.

Two officers showed up. Along with paramedics as I had tried to cut myself as well.

 

Daddy and I spoke to the officers separately as he was understandably angry with me. In the end the officers took me away from our apartment. They called a hospital to make sure I got the help I needed. And in the end I had to spend the night in a hostel as I wasn't allowed back to the apartment.

 

Now while the police took care of me and the paramedics looked after me, no one was looking after Daddy. I had told the police I had hit him in the past. I told them I started the fight. So they all knew my Daddy was the one being abused not me. And yet, no one even asked him if he was ok. The paramedics asked me if I felt safe there, as if my Daddy was the one hurting me. But not one question to ask him if he felt safe.

 

Even before they took me away, the police asked my Daddy would he pay for me to stay in a hotel for the night. The duty of care was assumed onto him and I didn't hold any of the responsibility. Now he of course said yes, but I didn't want to cost him money.

 

At the hostel, I was allowed to call Daddy. He had been told I was in hospital. I had been told he never wanted to see me again and that I should go back to Ireland. We asked the police could I go back home and try sort it out between us. They said no or else one of us would end up in jail. They also said if something like this ever happened again, one of us would go to jail.

 

There is a point behind this long story. That point being that despite being the one abused, and being the responsible one for calling the police... Daddy was completely ignored in terms of being looked after.

Despite a woman hitting a man and freely admitting it; the paramedics still assumed the woman was in danger in the home.

 

And so this is where the title becomes relevant to the story. I have witnessed sexism against men when it comes to the law. Had the roles been reversed, would my Daddy have gotten off as lightly as I did? I certainly don't think so.

 

I guess this is a long winded way to approach the subject of sexism against men and misandry as a whole. And I just wanted to hear what other people's opinions are.

 

PS: My Daddy and I are still together. And we intend to stay that way.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

I've seen this in child custody cases. It is extremely easy for a mother to make accusations that cost the father time, money, and the child's happiness to prove the allegations were false. On the other hand, it takes an act of extreme aggression on the part of the mother to have access to the children restricted and takes much less time and money for her to gain that access back.

[DustBunny93]

This is really sad. Poor guy.

[Guest Aetherr]

it very likely boils down to the whole damsel in distress stereotype that is built into all men, we see a man in pain and we don't care quite as much though we certainly should and we know physically a woman is less able to stand her ground if a male and a female both leading a regular life and a balanced diet and no exercise the man will be physically more capable

 

the honest truth is the mind is the most fragile part of the human body and neither gender has some biological advantage in that case

 

 

its still this depressing ignorance of the mindset and mental health and this narrative from certain parties telling us men are evil and some extreme cases where only white men are evil that makes people like me wonder when it will actually affect me, i can sit back and laugh and share outrage with my friends and almost pretend its not real but it certainly is real and has been the case for years, the honest fact is there is sexism racism and able ism on all sides aimed at all groups and genders no matter who it is they can be made into a victim with the right circumstances and the only real way to put a stop to this is simple

 

fuck gender

fuck color

fuck race

fuck creed

 

we are humans, any preferential treatment of any sort based on background or breed or gender is some form or prejudice and unfair in a society that measures success purely by merit its a true hypocrisy

Edited September 19, 2018 by Aetherr

[Tinka]

oh wow that was intense....

 

it is actually hitting me harder than it should since i fear that this story could be easily mine. 

 

one time i also thought he called the police (even if he didnt, i just assumed..) we had a fight, i lost it and i broke a lot of things, i dont remember if i tried to attack, maybe i guess i pushed him, but i honestly blacked out, had no control of myself. i dont lie, we still got strawberry jam drops, on our ceiling. i threw that and a jar of honey. A disaster to clean up after -.- he didnt call the police, he didnt got injured, or me. But still...

its a fear, i never want this to happen.

 

if you will ever feel uncontrollably angry, even if this seems a "no way!" idea, try to walk away from him for hours until you are calm enough to talk this through.

i feel sorry to both of you and i am positively shocked that you were gracious enough to think about him in this situation. 

i honestly wish you will learn to cope with this tsunami of anger that hits us in such situations, and i reaaaaally wish you guys will never have to go through such a bad situation...   absolute horror

[Bambi95]

if you will ever feel uncontrollably i feel sorry to both of you and i am positively shocked that you were gracious enough to think about him

I've been reading over this comment a few times now and while I understand you empathising, I guess something about this particular sentence struck a chord with me.

I shouldn't have to be "gracious enough to think about him" because well... I shouldn't have hit him in the first place. I was the one in the wrong here. I was the one who is lucky enough to receive the grace of my Daddy; the one who was actually wronged here. Why should he have to pay for me to stay in a hotel, why should he have to take me back and give me a home, a second chance?

I was certainly not being gracious to think of him. I was no victim here. No wrong had been done against me. My calling out the utter sexism done against him doesn't make me a better person. I shouldn't have to point out that there is inequality between the two sexes. Equality does not favour men when it comes to a lot of things. And it's about time people start noticing.

[Tinka]

I've been reading over this comment a few times now and while I understand you empathising, I guess something about this particular sentence struck a chord with me.

I shouldn't have to be "gracious enough to think about him" because well... I shouldn't have hit him in the first place. I was the one in the wrong here. I was the one who is lucky enough to receive the grace of my Daddy; the one who was actually wronged here. Why should he have to pay for me to stay in a hotel, why should he have to take me back and give me a home, a second chance?

I was certainly not being gracious to think of him. I was no victim here. No wrong had been done against me. My calling out the utter sexism done against him doesn't make me a better person. I shouldn't have to point out that there is inequality between the two sexes. Equality does not favour men when it comes to a lot of things. And it's about time people start noticing.

 

what you said is what i wanted to say as great point of you and understanding of the situation that you had. 

if it wasnt the best choice of words, then pardon me, since english is definitely not my native language. 

anyways, i completely agree with what you explained. 

[UpstateNewYorkDaddy]

Yeah this shit always happens to men. It really is sick.

[Little Illy]

I've been reading over this comment a few times now and while I understand you empathising, I guess something about this particular sentence struck a chord with me.

I shouldn't have to be "gracious enough to think about him" because well... I shouldn't have hit him in the first place. I was the one in the wrong here. I was the one who is lucky enough to receive the grace of my Daddy; the one who was actually wronged here. Why should he have to pay for me to stay in a hotel, why should he have to take me back and give me a home, a second chance?

I was certainly not being gracious to think of him. I was no victim here. No wrong had been done against me. My calling out the utter sexism done against him doesn't make me a better person. I shouldn't have to point out that there is inequality between the two sexes. Equality does not favour men when it comes to a lot of things. And it's about time people start noticing.

 

Bambi, I honestly think you need to 1. Do whatever Senate requires to get him to feel okay with this situation and 2. You need to possibly speak to a professional. I only say this because, as you said, you were at fault here (even if the fault is a chemical imbalance, I recognize this). Even the most patient partners have to let go sometimes, and I don't want that for either of you. This incident is a statement that it might be a good idea to start working on recognizing the onset of this type of situation. I know you probably cannot stop it in its entirety (I don't know your exact mental state, of course), but if you two can catch the onset, it may help lessen the severity. 

 

For example: Daddy... Daddy is a... really bad self-sabatoger. Happiness scares him, and because of this he can sometimes act very mean. But because he and I have had massive and lengthy discussions, I can typically tell the difference between him being legitimately angry with me and him trying to keep me at arm's length or push me back. Being able to see these things helps me keep myself in check and work towards calming him down. I would urge you to to try to find a similar system. I love you guys and respect you both as individuals and believe you both deserve happiness. 

 

_____________________

 

Misandry is an epidemic that no one "higher up" will ever admit, yet we see examples of it every day. I can only speaks for the system in the United States (as that is my field) - Men always have a higher convicted rate, high chance of suspicion and a much, much, much higher chance of not being believed/taking the fall. Unfortunately this isn't anything new. As someone mentioned above, it is almost impossible for a single father to gain full custody of a child because the system is flawed inherently. It believes a child is always best with his or her mother unless proven otherwise. And with the stereotype of deadbeat dads, almost any mother can easily manipulate a court system to block the father.

 

I know of a single father who is African American (his race is relevant here); he explained to me that because of his gender and his race it took him years for the court to believe him. It took information (screenshots, emails, texts, etc) to prove the woman was unfit even though she had a record and he was a college graduate with a steady career and had already received numerous awards for his outstanding work. He told me that was the most demoralizing time in his life (as well as the most rewarding - he has his son to this day and they both are doing beautifully) because he was a genuinely good person. Yet the court treated him like a wife beater.

 

Even my step-father had to go through it when he adopted me. We later found out that the amount of invasive tests, screening processes, and regulations are that much harder for a man.

 

The only way this issue can stop is if women like us, true feminists, stand up for our fellow MEN. This is why I post a lot of threads directed at female littles - because male Doms get it worse here. Im not surprised by your disgust in how Senate was treated, but I am truly sorry you both had to deal with it. 

 

Senate, talking to you fam, I can only imagine how you handled that situation (subtle, or not so, police accusation). Probably better than most would have. Gives me all the more respect for you *fist bump*

 

Bambi, keep doing what you are doing, and join the few of us who just constantly stand up when men get an unfair ruling. That is all any one woman can do. But together, hopefully more and more women will realize and more and more men will feel heard.

 

I'm always here for both of you if either ever needs to vent.

[Guest lilprincess1703]

Just wanted to say, thank you for sharing your story. Ive been thinking about this over the past day or so, it's really stuck with me.  

 

Part of me feels that this is more telling about the way society deals with and views abuse, than necessarily gender. Of course, your partner's experience is just more evidence about how awful the patriarchy is, and how we must do everything we can to dismantle it. Also how we have very firm 'stereotypes' of what makes an abuser, and what makes a survivor of abuse - which are of course nonsense, and utterly archaic. Abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, race, sexuality etc. 

 

However, as a woman, I also faced similar treatment when my partner was arrested for abusing me. Even thought HE turned himself in, I was faced with doubts. 

 

I had to find my own care. I had to seek out (and pay for) my own therapy, refer MYSELF to the shelter. 

 

I had to wait and wait while he continued to not turn up to his court dates, while his lawyers argued that his mental health didnt allow it - prioritising his stability over mine. Eventually, he pled guilty, but even then was only given a small fine, due to the fact he was an 'upstanding citizen' in all other ways. 

 

Historically, survivors of abuse are not believed, or are told they deserved what happened to them for staying with the person who hurt them. Women face this doubt and denial as well. In my opinion, misandry isnt actually a reality. HOWEVER, this is not to say that there is an unfairness in systems. These systems are more used to dealing with battered women and abusive men, not the other way round, as that tends to be the way it is. So when the profile of the people involved changes, the system doesnt really know how to deal with it. I faced that problem too as neither me or my abuser fit the old-fashioned stereotype of a couple in this situation. Of course, this needs to be changed. I just dont want the assumption to be made that when a woman speaks out about her experience of abuse, it is automatically believed and listened to, because it really isnt. 

 

People dont want to accept that abuse happens, or that violence in relationships happen. The treatment of your partner is just more proof of that. So I do thank you for speaking about this, as there is so much silence around the issue.

 

Im really sorry your partner was faced with this. It is really, truly awful that he didnt get the support he needed, and I hope he has access to it now. Sending strength and support 

[I_AM_THE_SENATE]

Bambi, I honestly think you need to 1. Do whatever Senate requires to get him to feel okay with this situation and 2. You need to possibly speak to a professional. I only say this because, as you said, you were at fault here (even if the fault is a chemical imbalance, I recognize this). Even the most patient partners have to let go sometimes, and I don't want that for either of you. This incident is a statement that it might be a good idea to start working on recognizing the onset of this type of situation. I know you probably cannot stop it in its entirety (I don't know your exact mental state, of course), but if you two can catch the onset, it may help lessen the severity. 

 

For example: Daddy... Daddy is a... really bad self-sabatoger. Happiness scares him, and because of this he can sometimes act very mean. But because he and I have had massive and lengthy discussions, I can typically tell the difference between him being legitimately angry with me and him trying to keep me at arm's length or push me back. Being able to see these things helps me keep myself in check and work towards calming him down. I would urge you to to try to find a similar system. I love you guys and respect you both as individuals and believe you both deserve happiness. 

 

_____________________

 

Misandry is an epidemic that no one "higher up" will ever admit, yet we see examples of it every day. I can only speaks for the system in the United States (as that is my field) - Men always have a higher convicted rate, high chance of suspicion and a much, much, much higher chance of not being believed/taking the fall. Unfortunately this isn't anything new. As someone mentioned above, it is almost impossible for a single father to gain full custody of a child because the system is flawed inherently. It believes a child is always best with his or her mother unless proven otherwise. And with the stereotype of deadbeat dads, almost any mother can easily manipulate a court system to block the father.

 

I know of a single father who is African American (his race is relevant here); he explained to me that because of his gender and his race it took him years for the court to believe him. It took information (screenshots, emails, texts, etc) to prove the woman was unfit even though she had a record and he was a college graduate with a steady career and had already received numerous awards for his outstanding work. He told me that was the most demoralizing time in his life (as well as the most rewarding - he has his son to this day and they both are doing beautifully) because he was a genuinely good person. Yet the court treated him like a wife beater.

 

Even my step-father had to go through it when he adopted me. We later found out that the amount of invasive tests, screening processes, and regulations are that much harder for a man.

 

The only way this issue can stop is if women like us, true feminists, stand up for our fellow MEN. This is why I post a lot of threads directed at female littles - because male Doms get it worse here. Im not surprised by your disgust in how Senate was treated, but I am truly sorry you both had to deal with it. 

 

Senate, talking to you fam, I can only imagine how you handled that situation (subtle, or not so, police accusation). Probably better than most would have. Gives me all the more respect for you *fist bump*

 

Bambi, keep doing what you are doing, and join the few of us who just constantly stand up when men get an unfair ruling. That is all any one woman can do. But together, hopefully more and more women will realize and more and more men will feel heard.

 

I'm always here for both of you if either ever needs to vent.

Thank you for your kind words Illy,

Insightful as always

[Guest Longlegs]

I'd say I've faced abuse & harassment from men and women almost equally.
But whenever I try to open up about an instance where the perpetrator happened to be female, people will attempt to bully & shame me out of it, trivializing it as some sort of a #NotAllMen stunt. Gendering issues tends to lead to issues of its own, but even saying that much will send people into an outrage.

When I split with my daughter's mother, it was only after a good while of daily verbal & (to a lesser extent) physical abuse.
I was this depressed & anxiety-ridden wreck to begin with, but the unhealthy routine just made me want to die.
The mother is her sole custodian to this day - it's never even been discussed in any meaningful way.
And I had to stay quiet about what happened between us, because I didn't want my daughter to be taken away.
Despite our shared history, I know she's not the worst mother to ever exist.

Things are never black & white.
It's all shades of grey.

[DustBunny93]

I have been abused my whole life. From family to relationships. So I'm sorry but I think you should get help so this doesn't happen again. Because if something like this happened again I don't know if I would be able to stay. A person can only take so much before they shut down.

[Bambi95]

Part of me feels that this is more telling about the way society deals with and views abuse, than necessarily gender. Of course, your partner's experience is just more evidence about how awful the patriarchy is, and how we must do everything we can to dismantle it.

 

Women face this doubt and denial as well. In my opinion, misandry isnt actually a reality. HOWEVER, this is not to say that there is an unfairness in systems.

 

 

So I've been going through this particular comment quite a bit. And well I guess I felt it somewhat necessary to comment back on it. The parts I have selected to quote are the ones I had real issue with. And I apologise if I seem a tad incoherent, I guess I was just dumbstruck by what was said.

 

Again, please forgive me for seeming slow... I just... I don't understand how it is because of "The Patriarchy" that my Daddy was forgotten about. Surely if equality favours women these days... there is no such thing as the patriarchy in the western world? I wouldn't so much blame the patriarchy as I would unconscious bias.

 

You spoke about how you faced doubts in your own situation with a partner who turned himself in. And while I am terribly sorry for that, I also believe your case to be part of the minority. Usually, I find the opposite, in that a woman can claim abuse and the people will automatically believe her, whether it is true or not. The law claims to be fair and just to all people... but their actions would suggest that men are not included as people.

 

And finally, you say you do not believe misandry to be a reality. I am deeply sorry if I come across as rude or offensive, it's just.. that statement seems ridiculous to me. Again I appreciate your views are yours and mine will differ from others. But.. to claim it doesn't exist is like saying misogyny doesn't exist. Of course both of them exist. And again this is MY belief, but I genuinely believe misogyny is nowhere near as bad as people think, and misandry is a lot WORSE than people think.

But that's just my view on it. Perhaps someone can enlighten me more on the unseen evil known as the patriarchy, and show me how misandry doesn't exist. Until then I will stand by my point.

[Guest lilprincess1703]

I don't understand how it is because of "The Patriarchy" that my Daddy was forgotten about. Surely if equality favours women these days... there is no such thing as the patriarchy in the western world? I wouldn't so much blame the patriarchy as I would unconscious bias.

 

You spoke about how you faced doubts in your own situation with a partner who turned himself in. And while I am terribly sorry for that, I also believe your case to be part of the minority. Usually, I find the opposite, in that a woman can claim abuse and the people will automatically believe her, whether it is true or not. The law claims to be fair and just to all people... but their actions would suggest that men are not included as people.

 

And finally, you say you do not believe misandry to be a reality. I am deeply sorry if I come across as rude or offensive, it's just.. that statement seems ridiculous to me. Again I appreciate your views are yours and mine will differ from others. But.. to claim it doesn't exist is like saying misogyny doesn't exist. Of course both of them exist. And again this is MY belief, but I genuinely believe misogyny is nowhere near as bad as people think, and misandry is a lot WORSE than people think.

But that's just my view on it. Perhaps someone can enlighten me more on the unseen evil known as the patriarchy, and show me how misandry doesn't exist. Until then I will stand by my point.

Thank you for responding to this. 

 

The patriarchy is at fault for meaning your partner was forgotten about. The patriarchy hurts men as much as it hurts women. The patriarchy enforces gender stereotypes that include damaging and archaic views of men - the patriarchy tells us that men cannot be victims of violence by women, that men are 'cowards' for 'letting' their partner be violent, that women are never violent or abusive themselves. 

 

I find it really interesting that you believe that women are automatically believed about abuse. I disagree, but if you have some stats or something it would be so good to see them, and I can adjust my opinion to be correct! there are a lot of myths about false accusations - this article talks about false accusations of sexual abuse, which while is different to what we are talking about, I think is relevant. It cites that only 4% of abuse allegations are actually false, and that rates of false sexual abuse allegations are no higher than false allegations of other crimes. https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/false-sexual-violence-assault-rape-allegations-truth-rare-international-day-for-the-elimination-of-a8077876.html (sfw I think - discussion of abuse and assault). 

 

Sorry, on the point of misandry, I didnt express myself properly I dont think. When I say misandry doesnt exist, I really meant that I dont think it's as much as a problem as some people think it is. Of course, there are some people who are misandrists, but I dont necessarily believe its as such a true issue as its said to be. But then there's us just differing on opinion, which is fine. 

 

This all being said, I am very much aware that ive started to politicise something which is personal and real to you. While academic discussion about violence and gender is important and interesting, I feel like you guys need to make sure youre looking after yourselves, and you partner is safe and well. Priority should be safety and wellness, always.

I also want you to know that I do agree with you about the treatment of men who are survivors of abuse - its terrible and outdated and wrong, and am 100% with you on changing that. I hope I caused no offence, I certainly did not mean to, and that your partner is okay and getting the help he needs now

[Bambi95]

Thank you for responding to this.

 

The patriarchy is at fault for meaning your partner was forgotten about. The patriarchy hurts men as much as it hurts women. The patriarchy enforces gender stereotypes that include damaging and archaic views of men - the patriarchy tells us that men cannot be victims of violence by women, that men are 'cowards' for 'letting' their partner be violent, that women are never violent or abusive themselves.

 

I find it really interesting that you believe that women are automatically believed about abuse. I disagree, but if you have some stats or something it would be so good to see them, and I can adjust my opinion to be correct! there are a lot of myths about false accusations - this article talks about false accusations of sexual abuse, which while is different to what we are talking about, I think is relevant. It cites that only 4% of abuse allegations are actually false, and that rates of false sexual abuse allegations are no higher than false allegations of other crimes. https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/false-sexual-violence-assault-rape-allegations-truth-rare-international-day-for-the-elimination-of-a8077876.html (sfw I think - discussion of abuse and assault).

 

Sorry, on the point of misandry, I didnt express myself properly I dont think. When I say misandry doesnt exist, I really meant that I dont think it's as much as a problem as some people think it is. Of course, there are some people who are misandrists, but I dont necessarily believe its as such a true issue as its said to be. But then there's us just differing on opinion, which is fine.

 

"The patriarchy hurts men as much as it hurts women"

So we are putting all the problems of men and women alike onto men now? I guess it's perhaps because I refuse to believe in something as ridiculous as patriarchy or things such as toxic masculinity. Yes it existed once, but not anymore. Women in the western world are not being oppressed by some gentleman's club. That's not to say there aren't men out there like that. But the majority of men are not. I don't think it fair to assume blame onto one gender over another.

 

Patriarchy typically suggests a man in power, and yet my Daddy had none. In fact a woman had power in this situation. And women are continuing to do so in various situations. My Daddy was also abused by his mother and few years ago. And no one believed him because of his height or size. She had all the power because he could do nothing.

 

Do we suddenly start calling it the Matriachy?

 

How many women would be ok with the blame being shifted to them? The Matriachy is poisoning us all; toxic femininity will ruin young girls, and so on so forth.

 

As for your reference to the Independent, well I've read children's stories that are more believable than what they publish.

 

I do apologise for seeming heated and I don't know... almost aggressive. I just feel very strongly about men's rights because well... no one cares. In a world so focused on defining itself as feminist and equal, it is everything but that; and certainly not for the reasons people claim.

[I_AM_THE_SENATE]

I read your reply and thought I would provide comment threefold: 

 

The patriarchy cannot be responsible ipso facto the following definition (taken from google because it was a good enough definition) : a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it. In the situation described the man held no power and yet this is due to men holding all the power in society? Everything about this is problematic by definition. If we assume that 'society' as such penetrates all societal structures right down to a relationship then if society were patriarchal, then the male here would be better believed, better taken care of and ultimately come out on top so to speak. However, this is not the case and thus we cannot conclude that the patriarchy is responsible for how this particular conundrum played out. 

 

You assert that "patriarchy enforces gender stereotypes that include damaging and archaic views of men". Not only does this not make logical sense, it does not appear to be true in reality either. Ask yourself: why would a system in which men hold all the power wish to enforce views of men which are damaging to men? This does not make sense. Surely a patriarchy would wish to enforce views of men that are whatever society (at any given time) defines as good. 

It certainly does not appear to me that this happens anyway. Largely, men are good to one another and support each other; to the best of our abilities we reinforce to each other that men, like women are actually pretty awesome. There are some men who choose not to support their fellow men but it is a small enough amount not to gender that particular issue. After all, I find it extremely rare that it is men who tweet or truly push things like "all men are pigs". 

 

Finally, there is no evidence that in my local area ( The United Kingdom) that a patriarchy exists; I would be willing to go far enough to say that the opposite is true. Speaking solely about the UK, the prime minister is a woman, the first minster of Scotland is a woman, the leaders of the Scottish Tories and Labour party are women (although I think the latter of the two has recently stepped down), Regardless, nothing about this suggests that in recent times a patriarchy exists here. One can pull further examples from outside of politics. Most suicides in the UK are men as is most homelessness. More money is lost in divorce by men (it's been a couple if years since I did divorce law in Scotland but I imagine it is still true) and men have less control over their children in divorce (again it has been a couple of years since I studied scots family law but I am sure it still holds true). Employment? This does not appear to benefit men either. There are more male combat deaths and workplace deaths by an enormous margin. My point: none of this screams patriarchy to me if we assume the definition I provided which I think suffices. 

 

The notion that we live in a patriarchy is not an argument used because it is routed in reality, rather, it is used to blame both the problems that women and men face exclusively on men. This is done because it conveniently allows some to shift responsibility for their own problems unto others and provides an easy, invisible thing to blame everything on. This is a huge problem, because I think in essence, when we blame problems on this faceless patriarchy what we are really doing is blaming men. Evidently, men have enough problems of their own without taking on blame for problems they have no hand in creating.

 

I will end this by noting that my writing often appears confrontational and cold. This is nothing close to my intention and my sincerest apologies if it comes across this way. Thank you for taking the time to reply. 

 

Ya boi,

 

The Senate

[I_AM_THE_SENATE]

Thank you for responding to this. 

 

The patriarchy is at fault for meaning your partner was forgotten about. The patriarchy hurts men as much as it hurts women. The patriarchy enforces gender stereotypes that include damaging and archaic views of men - the patriarchy tells us that men cannot be victims of violence by women, that men are 'cowards' for 'letting' their partner be violent, that women are never violent or abusive themselves. 

 

I find it really interesting that you believe that women are automatically believed about abuse. I disagree, but if you have some stats or something it would be so good to see them, and I can adjust my opinion to be correct! there are a lot of myths about false accusations - this article talks about false accusations of sexual abuse, which while is different to what we are talking about, I think is relevant. It cites that only 4% of abuse allegations are actually false, and that rates of false sexual abuse allegations are no higher than false allegations of other crimes. https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/false-sexual-violence-assault-rape-allegations-truth-rare-international-day-for-the-elimination-of-a8077876.html (sfw I think - discussion of abuse and assault). 

 

Sorry, on the point of misandry, I didnt express myself properly I dont think. When I say misandry doesnt exist, I really meant that I dont think it's as much as a problem as some people think it is. Of course, there are some people who are misandrists, but I dont necessarily believe its as such a true issue as its said to be. But then there's us just differing on opinion, which is fine. 

 

This all being said, I am very much aware that ive started to politicise something which is personal and real to you. While academic discussion about violence and gender is important and interesting, I feel like you guys need to make sure youre looking after yourselves, and you partner is safe and well. Priority should be safety and wellness, always.

I also want you to know that I do agree with you about the treatment of men who are survivors of abuse - its terrible and outdated and wrong, and am 100% with you on changing that. I hope I caused no offence, I certainly did not mean to, and that your partner is okay and getting the help he needs now

Apologies, I forgot to quote for the post above. Here we go: 

[LittleCelticLass]

I've been trying to think how I want to respond to this, because it brings up a point I feel very strongly about. Yet at the same time, I don't want to invalidate anyone else's opinion. I think it's safest just to say that I believe the system is seriously flawed.

Men are constantly being bashed, degraded and disbelieved by women. I see it even here on this site, and it angers me. Thank you, Bambi, for putting into words something I've struggled with. I'm sorry this situation happened to you guys. But thank you for recognizing that Senate was delt with unfairly simply because he's a man.

[Lola Step]

Seeing as most people have already covered the more serious part of this discussion and as I'm sure both the OP and their partner are doing everything they possibly can to look after each other and themselves I'm simply going to wish them the best and jump in on this friendly debate about 'The Patriarchy'- Whether or not you believe it still exists I'm sure that you can agree that it definitely existed at one point as a way to, for lack of a better word, 'keep women in their place' (I'm paraphrasing so if you find this an exaggeration I apologize) and as a way to make themselves 'all powerful' (again, possible exaggeration I know but I'm paraphrasing). It is this previous and archaic push for power that has shot modern men in the foot because now they are EXPECTED to be 'all powerful', kind of ironic in a sad, funny way- in the past men wanted nothing more than to be seen as all powerful and now it's come to bite them in the rear. #Disclaimer-These are my own lighthearted opinions and observations, I feel that all people regardless of sex/gender should be treated equally and I cast no blame on to either whole gender etc;#

[Little Illy]

I know this thread has basically covered everything. But I figured a few of you would appreciate this.

 

I am an activist so I receive quite a bit of related content. I just saw this today and had to share

 

[Possible TW?]

 

 

[DustBunny93]

I don't understand how someone male or female can abuse their partner. It's supposed to be someone you love. You shouldn't abuse them and make their life hell. It's not acceptable to hurt someone like that. It's the worst thing you can do to someone.

[DustBunny93]

The whole thing started because you were upset with a situation outside of your relationship and you started a fight with your bf. Instead of releasing your anger out on him (especially if it has nothing to do with him) you needed to find a safer healthier outlet to help yourself feel better.

Maybe look into some healthy outlets when you need to get away or let off steam. I like to go for a walk around the block or just write out my feelings.

 

That way you are learning to help yourself and possibly learning to control yourself.

Starting a fight will only make it worse.

 

I'm just trying to possibly help. I have been abused by my ex so I feel really negative towards abuse.