Question for the Littles?

[Little Illy]

*Waves* Hiya....

 

So, as someone who makes friends wherever, who converses with everyone and who just loves being around people in general, I always get concerned when I don't know which step to take next. I know think differently than a lot of littles so I wanted to reach out and see what yall thought.

 

My question: If you are interacting with someone and don't realize that person may be creepin on you, or being SLIGHTLY inappropriate (not saying breaking the rules, but cross the comfy zone), would you want a friend to tell you?

 

Over the past coupla days I have noticed times when littles who are vulnerable or in a bad place have been getting creeped on, but don't realize it. AGAIN! No one breaking ANY rules! I actually talked to one of my friends and she explained she didn't realize it, but after hearing it and then talking to the person, she realized how passive aggressive that person was being. And we have all been too close to a situation to see things like this at some point in our life. And I'm always caught because I analyze everything (not saying I am ever right, honestly) but there are some times when my radar is PINGED and I have an urge to speak up (privately).

 

So I guess, would you want someone being like "hey, I think that person is interested in more than being friends," or would you rather your friends stay out of it and let happen, happen? 

Edited September 21, 2018 by Little Illy

[Daddybears PLB]

Always in any situtation my policy is honesty in my opinion..... it does get me into trouble sometimes because people don't always want to hear it but I'd always rather be able to say that I'm upfront and honest. Plus i just think it's an easier way to be, it really gets to me when i have the dilema of should i or shouldn't i say something, I'll go over it and over it and mull it over so much in my mind until i say it so i just save myself the stress and say it also I'm sure a good friend will always be grateful to have someone that they can rely on to be honest. Although i do think the delivery and tone of what you say makes a difference. You can say it in a softer nice way unlike me who used to just be blunt about stuff.... but I've learned to be less blunt over the years

[Little Illy]

Always in any situtation my policy is honesty in my opinion.

 

I'll go over it and over it and mull it over so much in my mind...

 

Although i do think the delivery and tone of what you say makes a difference. 

 

Oh I believe in honesty being the best policy. I am that obnoxious person dropping links in threads saying "COMMUNICATE!" But... as you said some people don't want to hear it. And I would never want to make someone feel like I am invading in on their personal life.

 

But this is what I do as well... It goes around and around in my head and I worry. Is that person just being a bit off cuz of their nature? Are they trying to manipulate my friend? Are they actually trying to help? What happens if my friend falls for something? What happens if it is genuine and I am seeing it differently? Etc.

 

And I agree 100%. I would never go 'Dude... that guy is being a douche, why are you talking to him? But with my friend (and her consent to explain what I said) I told her "Hey, I could be completely wrong, but [Name] keeps making me feel uncomfortable when [Name] is talking to you. If you're friends I am so sorry, but I keep feeling it and I just wanted to see what you thought?" She responded that she didnt see it, but "I guess I'll be careful." And two days later she told me "wow, yeah he was being passive aggressive. I looked back and it makes sense because of..." 

 

So I am always torn. I never know what should be done, so I typically keep to myself (believe it or not ) and just worry.

[xBabydollx]

I would want a friend to politely warn me (not demand me) of anyone they have concerns about. Like already mentioned, tone and the way someone says something does mean a lot. I would warn a friend If I think a person's intentions was iffy. On the other hand tho, it can be hard to gauge what's somebody else's comfy zone. Some ppl are ok with entertaining something even if they know the person might want to be more than 'friends' so it's kinda tricky. I would warn then let them make their own choices.

[MarshmallowPeep]

I'm someone who's really bad at noticing what other people are doing and probably wouldn't be able to tell someone is creeping without someone (friend or anyone really) pointing it out, unless the one creeping was beyond obvious. Small signs are the ones that completely fly over my head.

With other people, regardless if they can tell or not, giving a small warning will never cause any harm. Always better safe than sorry, right?

[LittleCelticLass]

I would definitely want to know.

[Daddybears PLB]

 

So I am always torn. I never know what should be done, so I typically keep to myself (believe it or not ) and just worry.

We are the same in that way and i agree with the whole post. It's ongoing but never doubt yourself if you've said or done something with good intention (well that's what i tell myself anyway )

[DemureKitten]

As someone who is quite oblivious to stuff like that, I would want to know as it's good to know you can be safe from being overly vulnerable and can keep an eye out for each other, so people aren't lead into situations that they're not sure about. As Marshmellow Peep said, better to be safe than sorry.

[Guest Saesenthessis]

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Edited March 14, 2019 by Saesenthessis

[baby_k]

Obvious answer: I would want to know as I may not notice it myself, so other set of eyes is sometimes really needed.

Other obvious answer: people shoot the messenger.

 

So, it requires quite the delicacy on how one approaches the topic unless you are like best buddies who can say whatever to each other.

 

Maybe start the convo with "would you want to know or would you be okay if I commented on your relationships and how they look to an outsider?". As the other person most likely wants to know and then is less likely to be annoyed (a lot) that you told them something negative or something they would not want to hear.

[Guest CollateralBeauty]

For sure. I tend to just think that some people can be overly friendly (and maybe some people are just that way) but I know that's not always the case. So I would personally appreciate it if someone else were to tell me.

[Little Illy]

So if anyone else sees this again:

 

What if the person isn't your best buddy, but "close enough" for you to have an understanding of them because you two talk, give each other advice, etc.

 

If the phrasing was sensitive and understandingly submissive (i.e. - "hey I may have saw something off, but I don't know, please tell me what you think"), how would you feel about someone who isn't technically a "close friend" but someone you hang out with pretty regularly?  

 

Would it bother you? I would never be brazen or harsh. I hear you saying yall would appreciate a friend, but what if that wasn't the case, but a friendly face was always used...?

Edited September 21, 2018 by Little Illy

[LittleCelticLass]

I would be fine with that too Illy.

[baby_k]

I was gonna say that one could give a hint, like "are you dating as he seems to be courting you" BUT risk is that it makes the friend INTERESTED in that weirdo ( "oh, someone likes me *pays more attention to that person to see who they are*" ).

 

( Some ) problem with saying out load that someone is acting bit creepy is that the friend might be embarrased that they have not noticed it / they have went along with that stuff, they don't want to see that someone is creepy if they have fun or are getting attention.... Many many reasons.

 

If you storm in and tell overly bluntly to a person you are not THAT familiar with that something bad might be going on, they easily may get defensive in a way or another. And shoot the messenger. Same as people who are with factually abusive partner (e.g. get beat up so badly they end up in hospital) don't want to hear anyone saying anything negative over their partner.

You sometimes see this in this forum when someone says as a reply to a post that "there is pretty many redflags". Some people flip and get defensive over their partner as they feel like they are attacked. Some are able to say "yeah, I know, but I she has reason x,y,z for it and I don't mind" or "I'll pay attention to this in future and have a talk with them". And some then realise "you are so right, this is terrible".

 

I believe that the tone and making sure you seem like it is awkward to maybe step boundaries with giving a person a heads up is the key.

So, asking if they would like to know, apologising that you may be overstepping the boundaries of your relationship, highlighting that you say it with purest motive and as you just see it as the right thing to do, acknowleging that you might be totally wrong, giving the friend way to save their face in the situation should help a lot. 

 

If the friend does not have clear and easy way to respond to what you say, as it may come as suprice to them, it can create sort of anxiety and therefore bad reaction. Maybe the friend still wants to keep chatting with the weirdo but you telling that the other person is creep makes them feel awkward to hang around that person when you can see it happening, so some sort of shame. And they may then target that negativity on you even you have done nothing wrong.

 

Maybe if you end your warning with softening it with something like:

"well, just wanted to say this as I had the bad vibe -even of course I could be sooooo wrong. But yea, I hope i'm misinterpretting the whole scenario but if not, I wanted to be sure that I notify you just in case <3

Because I wish I had someone saying they had bad vibe even if they were absolutely wrong or if I already had the situation under control, so I could either pay attention to those things and verify myself if there really was an issue or that I could just shrug off the case as I already know how it is. Andd sorry that this seems so odd and weird: I feel like I'm putting my nose to where it does not belong anddd *worried that you take this the wrong way* ".

 

All that can feel bit like downplaying your observations and opinion but sometimes that sort of stuff is needed or the message won't get through to the other person.

[Guest CollateralBeauty]

For me, it wouldn't have to be a friend. I would just appreciate someone letting me know what they're seeing.

[Guest Saesenthessis]

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Edited March 14, 2019 by Saesenthessis

[Little Illy]

Wouldn’t bother me at all even if it weren’t a close friend, the way you put it across doesn’t sound intrusive. I would thank you for the concern, then make a mental note to look out for behaviours that you had alerted me to which I may not have noticed before (seems like it’s what your friend did!). That has worked with me in the past when I was a bit delusional about something similarly delicate, snapped out of it real fast! I really appreciated what this person did and especially how she said it. Instead of me getting defensive, it turned into a ‘yeah, you right’ situation.

 

This makes me fee so much better. I am always the one toeing around "I'm probably wrong, but how do you feel, I get a vibe, but dunno" so to hear this happened (which I am sorry it did) but that person came to you and help... it gives me a better feel. I would never be demanding, condescending or intrusive so Im glad to see people receptive to "hey, I could be wrong, but...." 

 

Thank you so much