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Some words on BDSM.


Mr Dawn

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Some people criticize BDSM , without any understanding of what BDSM mean 
 
So I explain it here....
 
BDSM mean Bondage and discipline, Domination/submission, and Sadomasochism
 
All of this practice can be sexual or not
 
Bondage is to play with rope, cuffs, and others restraints, 
Discipline is to have rules, be punished if they aren't followed,or be trained to be whatever your partner want.
 
Domination /submission is the Fact there is an inequity in the relationship : 
One gives the power to the other, it's called power exchange.
 
In most of the DD/LG* relationships I have encountered, THERE IS D/s :
 
Even if the power transfer is softened by the kindness of the daddy part, 
If someone can give you orders, or obligations, or rules, or take a part of your independance (bedtime for example), and you are happy with it , you are a D/s practicant.
If the daddy is in charge,or has authority it's D/s.
 
Sadomasochism is play with pain , 
Sadist love to give, Machosist to receive.
 
You don't have to practice all the parts of BDSM to be into it.
 
If you do one part consensually,then you are a BDSM practicant.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
So
1. Please be consensual, (negotiate the role of everyone, use safeword, even without physical risk, there is psychical risk) 
2. stop kink-shaming other people ( as long as it's between consenting adult, and not too risky, the rule is " Your kink is not my kink but your kink is ok"), so don't say you find X creepy because their sexuality/lifestyle is different than yours....
I see that more and more often , particularly on Tumblr

*I use the term DD/LG but that applies to MD/LB MD/LG DD/LB and any other variations of it.

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Very well written article, Mr Dawn. Concise yet clear.

 

I have read and seen enough online to know what BDSM is but your article sums it up nicely.

 

Now, and this is only my personal preference, I am not into the hardcore aspects of BDSM. However some of the softer aspects are either sexy to me or necessary for a healthy DDLG dynamic.

 

Sexy: Regarding bondage I'd like to try soft restraints in arms/hands (scarf handcuffs maybe?) and blindfolding, although not in the same session. Regarding discipline I'd like to train my Little to be at my feet and rest her head on my lap, and a couple other things.

 

Necessary: Regarding Domination/submission I think most of Littles need and want some structure: rules and guidelines to follow, in order to protect them from others and themselves, and lead a healthy life. But imho this can be done by exercising "soft power" and avoiding physical punishment altogether or as much as possible. imho a Lenient Daddy can be just as effective as a more strict daddy in making his Little follow rules and guidelines.

 

Sexy: Regarding Sadomasochism, I like spankings during sex and the occasional hair tugging, but that's pretty much it. I don't find pleasure in causing intense pain.

 

According to your article, I am still a BDSM practicant, as I do or want to try some of the soft aspects of it. And I am ok with being labeled as such.

 

Where the problem lays though is that I often have to clarify my position on it. Let's say I start chatting with a girl online. She tells me she is into BDSM and asks me if I'm into it too. I then tell her I like some of its softcore stuff. Then she proceeds to ask me if I like this and this and that. After 10 minutes of me saying "no" to pretty much everything she leaves dissapointed.

The thing is, that most of the people into BDSM are heavily into the hardcore aspects of it and expect everyone who says he/she is ok with part of it or the softcore, to embrace everything. Most of them have an attitude of "take it all or leave it". There doesn't seem to exist too much ground for middle of the road attitudes.

 

On the other hand if a "vanilla" girl asks me if I am into BDSM and I answer "no, not really" at first, and down the road I tell her I like to give spankings during sex, or that I would like to try blindfolding her or handcuff her, she often either says that it's sexy, or kinky, or that she has actually done that.

 

So, it may be precisely because of the misconceptions and stigma still attached to the term BDSM that you pointed out, but the truth is that the easy route for someone into just the softcore aspects of it, is to simply say you are not into BDSM and later tell what your particular kinks actually are. This way I avoid the hardcore followers of it and don't scare away the "vanilla" girls.

Kind of a balancing act, not hypocrisy.

 

Anyway, great article!

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beautifully said

 

i think lots of people fall inbetween vanilla and bdsm

 

lots of vanilla's who say the love spankings, but only give random taps to the booty

 

for me, I wouldn't say its what I practice, as its just who I am

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Very well written article, Mr Dawn. Concise yet clear.

 

I have read and seen enough online to know what BDSM is but your article sums it up nicely.

thanks. :) 

 

Where the problem lays though is that I often have to clarify my position on it. Let's say I start chatting with a girl online. She tells me she is into BDSM and asks me if I'm into it too. I then tell her I like some of its softcore stuff. Then she proceeds to ask me if I like this and this and that. After 10 minutes of me saying "no" to pretty much everything she leaves dissapointed.

 

Even between two people who really consider themselves as BDSMers, BDSM is so diverse that they will always need to talk a lot about their preferences. And it's actually hard for a lot of people to find a partner with "compatible tastes", so the kind of situation you describe is quite common, even for people who consider themselves as BDSMers.

 

The thing is, that most of the people into BDSM are heavily into the hardcore aspects of it and expect everyone who says he/she is ok with part of it or the softcore, to embrace everything. Most of them have an attitude of "take it all or leave it". There doesn't seem to exist too much ground for middle of the road attitudes.

I sadly often encountered people thinking the way you describe. But while a lot of people into BDSM are like this, I don't think it's fair to say "most of them". Thanksfully there are also a lot of people who really believe BDSM is meant to be different depending on the persons and their preferences, and that it's not wrong at all not to like everything. In fact a lot of people are not into hardcore aspects!

 

 

On the other hand if a "vanilla" girl asks me if I am into BDSM and I answer "no, not really" at first, and down the road I tell her I like to give spankings during sex, or that I would like to try blindfolding her or handcuff her, she often either says that it's sexy, or kinky, or that she has actually done that.

 

So, it may be precisely because of the misconceptions and stigma still attached to the term BDSM that you pointed out, but the truth is that the easy route for someone into just the softcore aspects of it, is to simply say you are not into it and later tell what your particular kinks actually are. This way I avoid the hardcore followers of it and don't scare away the "vanilla" girls.

Kind of a balancing act, not hypocrisy.

My Point of view is to say : if you practice BDSM, even lightly, you need to be honest about it, because BDSM (even more than other relationships), need comunication,

And without explanations on your motives, or your desires with your partners it's not, for me, fully conseusual kink,

But that's only my point of view.

 

If you don't agree it's your right ;).

 

But my post is mostly a reaction to kink-shaming,

People who criticize BDSM yet they have BDSM practice too (without realizing that what they do is BDSM) are not ok.

And people who don't practice and criticize without understanding what BDSM is not ok too.

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Very well written article, Mr Dawn. Concise yet clear.

 

 

 

 

So, it may be precisely because of the misconceptions and stigma still attached to the term BDSM that you pointed out, but the truth is that the easy route for someone into just the softcore aspects of it, is to simply say you are not into BDSM and later tell what your particular kinks actually are. This way I avoid the hardcore followers of it and don't scare away the "vanilla" girls.

Kind of a balancing act, not hypocrisy.

 

Anyway, great article!

great article. Especially that last part. Except say I'm into some bdsm instead of say no now and explain later.
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  • 4 weeks later...

Because every aspect of bdsm is a part of my life, ( I am a submissive, Heavily masochistic, and we have rules master enforces, and I have a heavy interest in bondage)

Bdsm has been a part of my life for three years now and it never crossed my mind that even if you only participate in one bdsm as a title still applies to you.

This is a very good explination for those who are not like me. I often forget that not everyone has rules and that not everyone is property or like Master. Whats so right for me is not right for everyone.

I live by "your kink is not my kink" people seriously need to understand that.

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