Asking on behalf of a friend who is in a troubled relationship.

[Garren]

Hi, I'm kind of on the hoop about making this kind of topic given it's about a friend, but I would like to have some opinions on this.

 

 

So my friend has been in a relationship with her Daddy for a few months now, and she tells me about it often.

 

She often mentions feeling like her Daddy doesn't give her enough attention, usually focusing on sexual stuff or being busy with video games or friends, but that he does try to improve when she brings up feeling like she's not a priority. However she also says these changes don't last long.

 

She has very low self-esteem, is clingy and constantly tries telling herself that she is being too needy and that she's at fault. Her friend and her dad have told her he needs to give her boyfriend space and not smother him, that she's at fault.

 

This is a LDR too, and she makes it clear that she isn't being made to feel very important.

 

As her friend I've tried being as neutral and supportive as I can, telling her that things will work out, be hopeful, try ro talk to him and stuff. But lately I've been saying that maybe she should ask herself is she's getting what she needs from her Daddy. It's getting increasingly evident that she isn't seeming to bs getting what she wants and that she's trying to tell herself that she's just selfish and an "attention whore"

 

I'd like some outside opinions from the community. Does this sound healthy? Is she "too" clingy? Is she fine and that she needs someone who'll accept her?

[Garren]

Forgive the typos.

[WhysperKit]

I think a lot of people will agree, but communication. She needs to talk to him, even if it an LDR. I was in one too and it takes time, trust and lots  of communication. I'm really sorry your friend is in such a position. If she tells him her problems/worries and it's just a momentary fix, IMO he doesn't want to fix things. He just wants to keep her happy long enough to be sure she won't leave and then goes back to his old ways because he knows she'll stay with him as long as he just puts a band-aid over the problems. 

 

She deserves to feel loved and wanted and it doesn't sound like she's getting that from this relationship (or some of her familial ones either...). I'd break things off with this person or at the very least stop the dynamic if they can't agree on things such as it being solely sexual or a mix of sexual and non-sexual. Perhaps she can have a platonic CG? I'm not sure if she, him, or both of them would be open to that though.

 

I hope things get better for your friend. <3 

[CaresAlot]

When you start thinking of yourself in derogatory ways, that is certainly not a healthy situation in any relationship.  Always try to look at things in ways that you can get some thoughts and ideas.  Am I to clingy and if so what do I need to change.  What am I bringing to this relationship.   Is he really interested in me and is he working on changing so our relationship is better.  Am I wating my time when I could find somebody that is interested in growing a relationship.

 

You can ask your friend quesstions like these (reword them a little) and that will be more valuable than everything will be okay.  Shut her down when she begins saying bad things about herself.  You can dig yourself into a deep hole when you think badly about yourself.

 

This guy sounds like the guy in the grocery store buying flowerings.  He will say I've got to do this occasionally so I can get what I want.  He should be buying because he appreciates her or loves her.  Otherwise he is paying for sex and you know what he thinks of her as being.

[Shylil1]

I am just going to share my personal opinion and am in no way claiming to be great at relationship advice...

 

There are a few things that bother me about this.

She has tried to communicate her needs and has not seen lasting results - I don’t see this magically changing is feeling like this for the long term what she wants? It is horribly lonely.

 

It sounds like She is tearing away at her self over this- resorting to talking herself down in her head. “Attention whore” plus whatever is in her head not being said... a good relationship should build you up.

 

Not getting the love, support, and care you need is a very unhappy existence. Maybe there is someone who she could be happier with that accepts her how she is...

[LittleGirlEmilia]

It sounds like they are not compatible.

 

There is nothing wrong with being clingy, and she should not doubt herself. That is a big red flag. Relationships should not make anyone feel like that. It sounds like the boyfriend does not listen, which is frustrating in itself.

 

However she also says these changes don't last long.

 

This problem is stupidly common in relationships, even vanilla ones. They listen for a few days then revert to their old ways. I read online that it takes 21 days for a new habit to become routine, I did read that about flossing.. but I think it applies to most things, such as spending less time on video games and focusing on her a bit more.

 

She often mentions feeling like her Daddy doesn't give her enough attention, usually focusing on sexual stuff or being busy with video games or friends

 

Why is she putting up with that? It sounds like he is just in it for himself (sexually) and although it is great to have your separate interests and spend time with friends, it sounds like he does not know how much time to give up for her?

 

I'd like some outside opinions from the community. Does this sound healthy? Is she "too" clingy? Is she fine and that she needs someone who'll accept her?

 

Blunt answer - No, this does not sound healthy and sounds quite toxic. With her beating herself up about everything and feeling paranoid that she is too clingy, it is not healthy and sounds like it is having a detrimental effect on her mental health.

 

No, she is not too clingy.

 

She needs someone who will accept her and listen to her if she has a problem.

 

Or she can work on her relationship if that is what she wants? Which will include more communication and more let downs. 

 

I wish her the best of luck.

[baby_k]

Simplifying this:

 

She is not happy. She is not getting what she probably atm needs.

 

He seems to understand there is an issue as he momentarily fixes it. But the fix does not last.

 

Are the things she needs okay? Well, you can always ask, right? We can't know without more information really. But if she needs more attention, then there really is not much to do about it. Someone else probably could give her what she needs/wants. IF she sees her own behavior as an issue, sure, she can work on that. But to me seems that trying to cope with the current situation is not making her content but doubt herself, wracking her selfimage and so on. I doubt that she would want to be in rel like that forever but hopes it changes for better.

 

So, just with pure cold logic, what you describe does not sound too great. However, relationships are hard to leave behind. AND maybe the situation is still fixable.

 

What to do next is up to her: is that rel what she wants? I would probably advice to really sit and talk with the dude, go through her needs ( do they agree that they are okay? Is there middle ground? What the dude says about her selfdoubts? How he reacts on her tearing herself down? ) and ask if he wants to fix things.

 

So, either the dude comes to the conclusion that he can't ( or don't want to ) give what she wants or he says he can change things. THEN question is will he actually make changes? I would write down all the needed changes, bit like rule list. See how it is and every time the dude is slacking, she can point it out and see how he reacts. If he does not care or still does the not nice stuff, well, there is your answer. If he is sorry and tries to fix the situation, alright. One can't expect that all goes perfectly but the right attitude needs to be there.

 

Problems she is encountering are sort of permanent type. The dude either can give her enough attention or not. It is not about "now for moment this is....", so think in long run. Both of them should. Do they really want that sort of life FOR their life? Not getting what they want for the girl AND making their partner unhappy and doubt herself for the dude?

 

 

Edit: typos

Edited October 21, 2018 by baby_k