I need honest advice

[Tinka]

Hello. 

 

Recently (on 17 of october) i turned 30 years old. 

This is a number i was scared of, throughout my life. 

It depressed me, it was the reason i was crying every single year on my birthday since i was 22 years old. 

Everyone who has ever known me, knows how bitter and a crybaby i am for my 30th birthday.

Between joking and being serious, all know that i would want my 30th birthday to be different than any other day of my life (in a good way).

I don`t have anything to cheer for, in my life. I don`t have achieved something for which i should be proud, and i got nothing to feel full with.

 

I said f... it, since i cant stop time, i will try to enjoy it.

 

Now i must say a few additional info. I have a partner 4 years relationship. We live together in his country. 

We wanted to go on vacations this year, and for various reasons we couldnt go on summertime, so we booked a trip on October, having my birth date included in the package. 

I must highlight that the trip was not my present, we just happened to say ok lets put the birth date inside the dates of the trip.

I know he is very bad at gifts. Last year i asked for a birthday card, i was asking him for a whole month straight, sometimes crying from sadness, saying all i wanted was a birthday card. Written with love from him. 

The date of my birthday came and he had made no card. He saw me dissappointed, he said ok ok give me time, i gave him 1 hour and 45 mins and the result was ''happy birthday my tina'' as a card. 

If your hated colleague has birthday, it takes you less time to write such a phrase. 

He just made me cry and left me disappointed.

Thats why this year i told him that if he is about to buy me his usual gifts then i don`t want, because such a thing would make me cry and i didnt want my 30th birthday ruined. 

Now don`t get me wrong, i dont want expensive gift. I just want something with thought on it. When you are 4 years with someone, 

you kinda know what he/she likes, or dislikes, the hobbies, the passions, etc. 

I needed for once something special for me, for example a little poem, some trick that would excite me and make me laugh, something to remember....

 

When my birthday came,this year, he said a simple happy birthday in a semi cold way (like he doesnt care much) he gave me a simple kiss on the lips.

He said he had a gift in the room. I run to see the gift....

 

It was a wet ruined broken old box in very bad condition. Not old like an antique. But just a trashy box (the link below is a pic of it)

 

http://prntscr.com/l8po4o  sfw

 

 

Inside of it were 4 plastic cheep bottles that contained oils with smells that i hate. 

He knows it, that i hate those smells. that i dont use oils. 

This gift has nothing to do with me. No person that knows me would ever take me such a gift. 

He bought it almost for free, on a cheap arabic market in egypt, last day, since he hadn`t done anything about the gift issue of my birthday.

I cried, because i cant believe the man i changed country for, my biggest relationship, would do that to me, again....make me cry again.

He said ''you want a ring...oh well you are not going to have one..."

This killed me inside. 

Every feeling i could ever had for him, is dead. Every dream, burnt and rotten. 

 

He didn`t apologize, he didn`t make the rest of the day better. 

he is the type of man who tries to not speak at all about it and hopes you will forget it. 

The rest of the day he left me alone, and at night he was silent.

When he saw me writing with my family, he asked what do they say , i answered ''they send me their wishes'' and he asked "for what?"

as if my birthday don`t exist in his brain. 

 

So i spent my birthday away from my family, and friends, with nothing to remind me of birthday, with a man who denied me a possibility of a ring(marriage).

Unaccomplished. With a man who doesnt know what i like or not, who makes me feel embarrassed for even thinking of marriage after 4 years together. Who made me feel as if i am nothing. 

I wish i could go back to my mother, back to my country. 

I wish i find someone else. I truly hate him.

Even by writing, i feel pain of tears in my throat. 

I was waiting 8 years for this, even my whole life, and he ruined it. 

I feel trapped. Unwanted. Misunderstood. Depressed. 

If i could i would have run away , back to my mother or somewhere better.

This is not a partner. 

 

It bothers me, i cant move on, i dont feel love, i feel pure anger.

I know some of you might laugh and say this is a sh!t problem, that its nothing....

But to me , it breaks my heart.

 

What would you say to this? What would you do. 

 

 

 

[SmartAssLittle]

On my 30. birthday I was alone, now I'm 33, still alive and alone. LoL

[LoonyLoveMay]

Hello!

 

Well, you have to think what you really want... If he doesn't makes you happy and you cry all the time... Think about your happiness first and don't be afraid of been alone again. I know it's really scary to find a new path but you have to do it on your own. Also about not feeling any accomplishment... you can find a new career or something that makes you feel better. Searching for help is not a bad... you can see a therapist if you need it... don't feel ashamed of having a break down or depressed, its more common that you think. Also if you want to work in your relationship, you can also do it... Try and talk to your partner.

 

I honestly hope you find your path and true happiness... if you need to talk send me a private message.

 

Love, May

 

Also almost 30!

[Guest Aetherr]

start by cleaning out the negativity in your life and then work on getting back to your family.. it will be hard but if you want it bad enough i don't doubt you will find a way good luck!

[Guest jimmy3737]

It is not a s#@t problem. It is a real problem that is affecting you. It seems like he doesn’t know you at all. Communication, trust, honesty, loyalty, and love all work together to make a good relationship. When one of those is not in place or being taken seriously, it drastically affects the others. No one is perfect, least of all myself. But after being “together” for that long, he should know better. My advice would be to move on. Happiness can be found in a variety of places. If you cannot see yourself being happy in this relationship, then it’s time to move on.

I hope you can find your happiness soon.

[Guest Loki]

Sounds to me like he either doesn’t know you and there’s a communication problem, or he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward to do it, so he’s making it hard for you until you leave.

[LittleGirlEmilia]

That is not a shit problem. The guy sounds like a total.... Charmer.

 

I can relate to fearing 30, I've been having anxiety about it since I turned 20 and people are right... My 20's are flying by.

 

I can also relate to dating an arse who isn't as excited about things like you are or feel like they don't care as much about special events such as birthdays. Someone who you've been with for a years but won't even think about getting engaged or taking the next step.

 

I think you should go home to your mother and end this chapter of your life. It's not making you happy and I don't believe it's going to make you happy. It's okay to make these mistakes because all you have to do is pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and move on. He can make some other girl miserable lol.

 

Only you can make that decision for yourself though. I know it's different when you're in that situation and it's easy for me to say "Pffttt dump him", but you'll be sad about it for a bit, you'll heal and you'll be happier in the long run.

 

I don't usually advise people to end their relationship but I've been where you are and it was so frustrating for me, so I feel like you must be feeling the same.

 

I hope you find happiness in whatever you decide to do.

[keymonkey82]

End it, sounds like he doesn't care about you. If you can't do it yourself, message your family and tell them you NEED a ticket to come back home, any true family will find a way to make it happen. Pack your stuff, even if it's in bin bags (but leave the oils with a goodbye note) and go home. That'll be the start of your new journey in your life, your start at the bottom, but 30 will be the start of your new life.

[DustBunny93]

I can relate to dating someone who seems to not really care.

Back when I was 21 I dated a guy for three years and he was emotionally abusive to me. He would not really care about anything I liked and didn't care about my birthday but cared a lot about his. The last year we were together, on my birthday that year he didn't call me all day/night to wish me a happy birthday (we were long distance at that time so we couldn't physically be together), he actually didn't talk to me all day and then as soon as it turned midnight my time the next day he texted saying happy birthday. That was hurtful because we were both aware of the time and he knew it was midnight that next night so it wasn't technically my birthday anymore. He was a jerk in general but when it came to my birthday or any holiday he never bought me anything but demanded I buy him stuff.

I ended up leaving him that year right before our three years anniversary. It was a hard decision but it was so much better in the long run. And now years later I can say I'm happy without someone like that in my life.

 

You need someone who gets more excited than you are for your birthday and holidays where you exchange gifts. If it's something you care about it should be very important to your partner too.

 

You should not have to practically beg for even a simple card. I know that a card is still something nice but if he can't even put effort into a card then I'm sorry but he doesn't care for some reason. He knows that you care about your birthday and especially for your 30th and even if he hates his birthday or doesn't care about his own birthday he should put in effort for you because it means so much to you.

Unfortunately I had to figure out the hard way but it's so much better to be alone and single than with someone you have to beg to care.

[Sleepless]

Please seek help from your family and other resources near you and find a way to get out of this situation. You are in a different country, all alone, with a man who doesn't care enough to put any effort into you. After 4 years he should know you and what you like/dislike better. You deserve better. Save up money as fast as you can and get yourself out of that situation. You are still young enough to find someone to love you in the way that you deserve. 30 sounds like a perfect age to start over, to me. You can do this, it's worth it, I promise.

[Tinka]

apparently my mother instead of telling me ''come back home my child'' she tried to persuade me to stay here with him. Thats great....

 

Anyway thank you all so much for this. 

I got no friends and in such times its always heartwarming to see people taking time to answer to your silly problems. 

May you forever be happy and feel protected and loved. And that you belong somewhere  

Thank you again.

[Sleepless]

Sweetheart, try finding other resources around you other than your mother. Most places have centers that can help people from other countries get out of bad situations. Research what resources may be in your area on the internet.

[Guest ~*~Sachita~*~]

Hey Tinka.  First, I am so sorry that you are in this situation.  While not exactly the same, I've experienced feeling unfulfilled and unloved in a relationship.  It sucks and I wish there were a quick and easy fix for it.  Unfortunately, the only way to repair a relationship is if both parties are motivated to do so, and from your description, your partner would not be interested.  

 

Out of curiosity, have you taken the test to discover your Love Language?  I ask because receiving gifts is one of the ways people express and expect to receive love.  It is my dominant love language.  It was important for me to realize that just because I want a thoughtful gift, other people have different priorities.  Might be helpful if you and your future partner both took the test so you could see where the differences are.

 

I said future there, because you need to get the fuck out of that relationship.  This comment, "you want a ring...oh well you are not going to have one.." is one of the most disrespectful things I have ever heard.  You do not deserve to be treated that way.  I don't mean you deserve a ring.  I mean you have right to have a mature discussion about your plans for the future, to have your dreams respected, and for your partner to communicate their plans and dreams.  This is absolutely NOT something that should be said in anger when your partner fucked up and it trying to lash out in a passive aggressive way that he KNEW would hurt you.

 

To answer your question, what would I do?  I would make a plan to leave.  It sounds like you don't have the means to do so.  In the relationship I referenced above, I had to plan an exit strategy over several months and involved moving to another state.  If I were you, I would start working, save as much money as possible, and make a plan to leave.  If you think he will react by throwing you out, don't tell him.  Just save the money in a place where he will not find it.

 

Good luck.  If you need any more help or advice, feel free to PM me.

[SquishyUnicorns]

I feel for you ☹ I can slightly understand how you feel, my 30th birthday was 2 days ago, I have no friends at all, and even then not a single member of my family bothered to even say happy birthday to me. Not one. I felt gutted. And when I pointed out to my sister about that, she got angry. Its heartbreaking when noone cares.

 

You need to get away from that boy, and focus on you

[DaddyAlphaca]

Your boy sounds like a total jerk. At first, when i read your story i thought "oh, crying too much on most of occasions can be annoying and giving negative and depressing mood" but after read what your boy do to you, nah.

 

There is no point to stay in that kind of unhealthy relationship, holding the rope too much can damage your mental. Life is about you, if you are truly unhappy and there is no way to make it right, then you always have a choice.

 

Make your way to get out from that kind of relationship, i would go back to my parents, start a new life. Hell nah for living with someone like that, nah, your sincere and big Love shouldn't be wasted!

[Guest Revurex]

You need to leave. Make a plan and execute it. For example, first figure out where you can go. If it’s back to your country with your family then do that. If you need money to get there, get a job. Any job. Save up your money and get away as soon as you can afford it. Once you’re back home you can start over. Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish by your next birthday and start working towards them. Little by little. Things will fall in place if you set goals and work towards them. Start seeking independence and rely on yourself for happiness and you’ll find it. After that you can find love.

[Guest Vintage Daddy]

1) Happy Belated Birthday !

 

2) I am saying this as a man, from a man's perspective: What you describe sounds to me like a nutless little boy who is trying to intentionally push you away. Someone who doesn't have the balls to look you in the eyes and discuss the problems he has and then amicably end it. He sounds too weak to do that and instead goes for the death by a thousand papercuts route which only hurts you and does not imposition him.

 

I apologize for my bluntness but its who I am.

[Tinka]

Hey Tinka.  First, I am so sorry that you are in this situation.  While not exactly the same, I've experienced feeling unfulfilled and unloved in a relationship.  It sucks and I wish there were a quick and easy fix for it.  Unfortunately, the only way to repair a relationship is if both parties are motivated to do so, and from your description, your partner would not be interested.  

 

Out of curiosity, have you taken the test to discover your Love Language?  I ask because receiving gifts is one of the ways people express and expect to receive love.  It is my dominant love language.  It was important for me to realize that just because I want a thoughtful gift, other people have different priorities.  Might be helpful if you and your future partner both took the test so you could see where the differences are.

 

I said future there, because you need to get the fuck out of that relationship.  This comment, "you want a ring...oh well you are not going to have one.." is one of the most disrespectful things I have ever heard.  You do not deserve to be treated that way.  I don't mean you deserve a ring.  I mean you have right to have a mature discussion about your plans for the future, to have your dreams respected, and for your partner to communicate their plans and dreams.  This is absolutely NOT something that should be said in anger when your partner fucked up and it trying to lash out in a passive aggressive way that he KNEW would hurt you.

 

To answer your question, what would I do?  I would make a plan to leave.  It sounds like you don't have the means to do so.  In the relationship I referenced above, I had to plan an exit strategy over several months and involved moving to another state.  If I were you, I would start working, save as much money as possible, and make a plan to leave.  If you think he will react by throwing you out, don't tell him.  Just save the money in a place where he will not find it.

 

Good luck.  If you need any more help or advice, feel free to PM me.

 

yes his comment was one of the most disrespectful things i have ever heard also. 

I have never imagined my wedding. I have never looked for wedding dresses, i have never dreamed of anything like that. 

Because deep inside (and i am honestly not saying this to seem crybaby/fragile and that i need hug or something) i feel that no man would want me as his wife.

And i honestly didnt want a ring. My most perfect gift would be a letter or a puppy. Then i would say i had the best day ever.

So imagine my shock when he spoke of a ring. Hhurt ashamed and embarassed for what? For his thoughts and words?

And then i got kinda angry that he made me feel in this type of way and said "and what if i DID wanted a ring?'' '' would i have to feel ashamed for seeing a future like that for my relationship?''

 

Yes i will try, even if it takes me months. Yesterday after me writing the post, i was being choked by emotions so i initiated a talk with him.

Told him everything, bold as i felt it, as i thought it. No shouts, no tears, just opened my heart, expressed everything. 

For somethings he tried to deny it, that he didnt want this to happen like that or to be said like that, that he didnt mean etc

i dont believe him and i dont trust him. I trully wish i could go, and i will try to make it happen at any cost. with or without family.

 

My next birthday i dont want to hang from anyone to make them special. I wanna plan them myself. 

A gift from me to me, for being alive so long. 

Because i think its stupid of me to expect anyone else to be responsible for my happiness that day. 

I will make that plan you mentioned Thank you so much

[Aaziz832]

One thing I’ve learned and it was a tough reality to grasp onto, you get one life and one chance, MAKE IT COUNT! If you’re not happy, find some means to move around the situation and figure out if it’s his actions that's not making you happy or you just might be tired of the same routine day in and day out! I belive in happiness no matter what that may be to you! You don’t wanna keep going regretting every damn day! Don’t find a replacement, but find yourself before anything! Figure out what’s going to make you happy and what will keep you going! If he is the root of the problem, eliminate him. There’s more than enough options for you to choose from! Maybe he’s also going through something that he might not be mentioning to you as well! Some people are very quiet when going through things! I myself express my sorrows through making others laugh! Reevaluate your living situation and your surroundings and start from there!

[Nymph]

I came here expecting a post about turning 30 and all I can read is you are stuck in a strange country with an uncaring partner who took advantage of language/cultural barrier to hide that he is a jerk who enjoys to see you miserable.

 

I dated internationally quite a bit and made friends on dating sites I would use, saw this happening all the time. You need to stop giving him the satisfaction of affecting you that much, I know it's hard because you are isolated in a strange place and he is supposed to be your lifeline to adapt... but he is not, he is in your way actually from what I see. It makes me wonder how you ended up in this forum (not that you are not welcome, please stay!!) because your partner is not a caregiver, he seems to be exclusively adding grief and stress to your life and loving every moment of it. He seems very toxic to be honest.

 

Now there is always two sides of the coin, perhaps he just has a very awkward and sarcastic sense of humor and he doesn't realize he is making you sad. Perhaps he is emotionally crippled and it simply doesn't register in his head that tears= not funny. Either way you sound like you guys are not compatible. If you still want to try to make it work, ask him to do the 5 languages of love test so you guys can start to understand each other and see if there can be compromise. The test is free.

 

It did catch my eye that you seem to have very clear expectations, it wouldn't hurt to be more flexible. You will enjoy things more and discover new things you wouldn't have otherwise. Also you will be less disappointed when something gets ignored or forgotten.

 

For the record, I can't remember how I spent my 30th birthday. I think I was sick because I was very pregnant, so we just ignored it. Birthdays stopped being a big deal for me as soon as I stopped making plans and go with the flow... my life got much better because I started to enjoy the moment instead of wasting away making plans or being bitter when things didn't go my way.

 

One of the best birthdays I remember from my 20's was hanging out with a friend. He didn't congratulate me, he didn't know or remember probably, but we had a very enjoyable day and I felt lucky to have a friend that would treat me to his awesome company all year round. Hubby is just like my old friend, he does special things for me when he feels like it, buys me something because he thought of me, not because I expect him to on a specific day (or ever for that matter) and it means the world to me. The important thing is that he shows he cares for me in his own way and I appreciate it.

[Guest LittleChandlerette]

You already said it. He makes you feel like you're nothing. Isn't that a good enough reason to leave his ass?

[Guest]

My reply is extremely late. I hope you still receive it. I know exactly how you feel. I've been stuck in a foreign country with an ass hat that was my only connection. Egypt can be f*cking hard to get out of on our own. What you want is to some how find a united states embassy or whatever embassy of your home country. Tell them that you need to leave and the person you are there with won't provide you a way home and that you can't find work. Also tell them you feel that it was a trick to get you out of your home country. If they ask about violence be honest without going into extreme details. Given the chance make sure you let them know you cannot return because you have exhausted all means of leaving and are worried that your attempt to contact your embassy may make living with him worse. Make sure you let them know this. My situation was way worse and I had to return to his house. I made my ex aware that I was told the embassy and that if anything happened to me they were awarw of my fears. I think my informing them saved in so many ways.

 

Anyway, They will pay for your plane ticket home. Maybe not to your city exactly, but they WILL get you in the right state and as close as they can. You will owe them the money back and it accrues interest but it is worth it. Please face this option for yourself. Be careful while out, don't tell your SO. Pack a bag or two, they will make accommodations for you. You may end up leaving within a few days. From personal experience it is scary, but remain calm and you can get out.

[Tinka]

My reply is extremely late. I hope you still receive it. I know exactly how you feel. I've been stuck in a foreign country with an ass hat that was my only connection. Egypt can be f*cking hard to get out of on our own. What you want is to some how find a united states embassy or whatever embassy of your home country. Tell them that you need to leave and the person you are there with won't provide you a way home and that you can't find work. Also tell them you feel that it was a trick to get you out of your home country. If they ask about violence be honest without going into extreme details. Given the chance make sure you let them know you cannot return because you have exhausted all means of leaving and are worried that your attempt to contact your embassy may make living with him worse. Make sure you let them know this. My situation was way worse and I had to return to his house. I made my ex aware that I was told the embassy and that if anything happened to me they were awarw of my fears. I think my informing them saved in so many ways.

 

Anyway, They will pay for your plane ticket home. Maybe not to your city exactly, but they WILL get you in the right state and as close as they can. You will owe them the money back and it accrues interest but it is worth it. Please face this option for yourself. Be careful while out, don't tell your SO. Pack a bag or two, they will make accommodations for you. You may end up leaving within a few days. From personal experience it is scary, but remain calm and you can get out.

*hug* thank you so much for your reply. 

 

In egypt we went for ''holidays''. Now we are in Czech Republic. 

Iif you want some day, i would be happy to see a friend request and a message with your personal story... <3

i hope you are well now.

[Song`rim Redtide]

To join in on the late train, It looks like you've been given some pretty solid advice here. The only real advice I can offer at this point is the following. First remember today's world is an interconnected world. Facebook is a resource unlike any other, I'm sure you can still find a few old friends on facebook to help you out. The how is to be determined between y'all; On the off chance facebook fails you, you also have the entire internet at your fingertips. I'm sure you can find other resources to help; however, a point to point out is to be smart and don't let yourself be taken advantage of. I'm not saying you will it's just a generally good rule to follow. 

The second advice I can only really reiterate, whenever you are finally free of this situation, take some time to rebuild yourself, be that financially, and  I can't stress these two enough emotionally and mentally as often times they seem to go hand in hand from my experience. Take some time to work on seeing the positives of yourself in life; it's too easy to beat oneself up over little things then get caught up in an endless loop of negativity as result. The last big thing if you believe in spirituality work on yourself there too.

Overall take the time you feel you need to rebuild yourself, To reiterate the point there. You only have one life, there isn't a do-over, there isn't an undo button, there isn't a second attempt, and life is shockingly short the older you become the more apparent it becomes. So live your life to enjoy life. That's really the best advice I can offer you.

[SamL]

As I approached my thirtieth birthday I was cool, calm and collected - right up until the last night of my twenties, then I started being bothered by it.  So, the next day I went and bought one of those sandwich boards that people wear to advertise things on the corners of intersections and spent my birthday standing on the corner with a sign on that said:

 

Hit Me!

Just turned 30!

Need reincarnating now!

 

Anywho, people driving by laughed, then I started laughing and all in all it was a pretty good time.  My absolute best birthday ever though, was the one in which I bought and surprised my father with his dream car and presented it to him on my birthday.  Second time in my life I've seen my dad cry.  Since then, I volunteer helping others less fortunate on my birthday because I've found that doing things for others gets me out of myself and is my happy place.

 

Okay so look - yours is not a shit problem.  Granted, I've only heard one side of this but you have described abusive behavior.  I wish you love, light and happiness.