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Insecurities as a new Caregiver/First Time Boyfriend


Guest Harpsie

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Guest Harpsie

Hey everyone, new to this site and the DDlg lifestyle as a whole... And also relationships.

I'm kind of at a loss when it comes to one major thing and that's feeling insecure.

 

I've been in a long distance relationship with my amazing little for about 3 months now, known her for 5, and I do understand that maybe the jump between knowing her and being in a relationship can be seen as quick. But I do firmly believe we both love each other, and everything really does go well. We never really fight or have major disputes/arguments, we always do our best to make sure the other is doing okay, and things are great.

 

The issue stems from my behalf where I feel insecure at times from very small random things. Talking to certain people, sometimes the way she reacts to things I do or say, it's just very random and can spring at anytime. The problem is I know that having insecurities like these are bad, and I hate bringing them up to my little because I don't want her to have to change her everyday actions and such for an issue I need to get over.

 

No matter how hard I try to convince myself to just believe and have faith, something can trigger me and then my thoughts will spiral and I'll be a mess for a while until I'm able to bottle it up and move past it. And that feeling, knowing that I'm trying and it's not working hurts so much, because I want to be a good Daddy and a good boyfriend. I haven't ever been in a relationship before her, so it's not as if I have trauma from previous relationships where cheating was involved.

 

I have no idea what might be causing it, but I am desperately looking for ways to overcome it. I don't want it to negatively affect us in the future. I have talked to my little about this before, and she's always been very understanding and comforted me, but she doesn't really have anyway to help because it really does fall on me to grow and trust her.

 

So I guess my main question or a TL;DR is, how can I boost trust with my little and be less insecure overall?

Edited by Harpsie
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Guest FirmHand

First of all friend let me say that I think you are a fantastic Daddy. You display a level of care, introspection and attention to both yourself and your little that is rare for one so young. I'm going to give you two pieces of advice and I hope they help.

This is not only your first relationship but your first DDlg relationship. That is a monumental undertaking. You must be the master of not only your own life but also that of your little's. You are going to make mistakes. Allow yourself to do so and learn from them. If you communicate with your little not only will you grow as a Daddy but your relationship with your little will strengthen.I believe if you cut yourself some slack your insecurities will fade.

 

My final piece of advice comes from my experience and the wisdom I have gained from others. Sometimes we fall so madly in love with someone that we overlook some huge warning signs. For some of us it's not that we have overlooked them, it is that we are ignoring them. It becomes like this itch, tiny voice, horrible feeling, flashing light, some warning our brain gives us when we can see something is obviously wrong. It's just our hearts that ignores it. I would strongly suggest you truly analyze why you feel that way, perhaps discuss it with a trusted friend or family member. If you really can't see anything wrong then you've identified it's wrong and you can move on. If you do see something wrong...well then it wasn't an insecurity at all. 

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Guest You're adorable

Well,

 

First of all, let me applaud to you. The fact that this is your first relationship, DDlg of otherwise, your understanding and overall grasp of the situation are outstanding. You are, and will definitely continue to be in the future, a great Daddy, boyfriend, but first of all, a great person.

 

Now towards the problems you are facing. I think you should know the fact that, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Even very experienced people in the field of relationships feel insecure sometimes. Because relationships are started and continued based on feelings and emotions rather than logic, althought applying logic in a relationship is crucial for it's survival. It's very different from, for example, your job. In most jobs, the more you do it, the more experienced you get and the more confident you are so it (usually) follows a steady curve. Because as you learn and get more experienced, things get more and more clear. But in relationships, things are different. "Does she like me the as much as I like her?", "What if she feels like I am not doing enough in our relationship?", "What if she gets fed up with me and just leave me?". Those kinds of questions will always pop up in your mind. And what I have learned is that, actually, as long as they pop up, things are good! This just shows that you are cautious and you care. The thing you should be really worried about is the day when those questions disappear, I think. Someone may object, but I have yet to see a relationship so stable and well-maintained that these questions will not pop up from time to time. 

 

What I wanted to say with previous paragraph is that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Sure, we strive to be the best version of ourselves for the ones we love, and it's a great thing, but to me this insecurity also says the you are not yet confident enough with your partner. Did you ever ask the question whether or not does she feel the same kind of insecurities? Well, if she loves you, she does. And she feels about these insecurities just as you do. She strives to be the best version of herself so that you don't have to worry. And this is how things should be. You said it yourself. Have more trust in her.

 

Lastly, I would like to stress the communication. Again, I am amazed that you realized that talking about this is the way to go, or maybe I've jsut seen too many dysfunctional relationships that I forget that there are also people like you. :) So you should just continue what you started. Communicate. Because once you stop talking about your insecurities, fears, problems to each other, the other person will just think that everything is all right. And those things will soon start boiling inside of you until they will just burst out. So don't worry even when things get awkward when you talk. I know that you want your little to feel as well as possible and you don't want her to face any hardships and be happy. But always also think about the fact that if you are not happy yourself, it will be much harder to make her happy effortlessly.

 

Lastly, don't abandon who you are. You are a great example for any newbies, either to DDlg or to romance. Communicate as much as possible, whether it's a pleasant conversation or something not so pleasant. Only this will strenghten your relationship to the point where the problems you face now will be way less unpleasant to you. Trust, love and talk.

 

PS: And please, next time you write a longer piece of text, try to divide it into paragraphs so it's easier to read and address individual ideas and questions in the text. I am sorry but I just had to. :)

Edited by You're adorable
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Guest Harpsie

Thank you both for taking the time to reply to my post, I greatly appreciate it.

 

I think the best thing for me to do right now is just to be more communicative and trusting, as well as cut myself some slack.

 

Me and my little had a talk about this gain after I read your replies and I think going forward things will be better as I keep myself in check.

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Guest Lil Peep

For starters, Firmhand and You're adorable, couldn't have said it any better and you're an absolutely incredible boyfriend and daddy. From my own experience in this community, with my first daddy (who introduced me to DDlg) starting out I wish I would've looked for red flags and pulled away when I knew I was being mistreated/disrespected. So from what you described my worry about trust stemmed from my trauma/past experience.

 

However, with my current daddy/boyfriend (who's also new to DDlg) in the beginning, I found myself worrying about whether he was talking to other women online or cheating especially since he's overseas. The only way I found myself trusting and building my confidence with the relationship I have with my daddy had been to tell myself repeatedly that things were going to be fine, my daddy loves me, I had to communicate my feelings/thoughts about us no matter what, and HYPOTHETICALLY if something were to happen between us that all things happen for a reason and better things would be in store for me. While this won't happen overnight keeping that affirmation in the back of your head is key in building yourself up and trusting your partner. 

 

I hope this answered your question and I wish you and your little the best of luck in your journey together! She's extremely lucky to have you!

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All the responses so far have been asking so I'm sure everything I'm about to say has already been said but I'll give it a shot anyway- The fact that you recognise this is a "you" problem is already a HUGE step, so congratulations. Early on in mine and Daddy's relationship I dealt with alot of anxiety/insecurity/trust issues, his phone would go off and I would constantly be wondering who it was, whenever he was late online to chat I would be convinced he was out with someone better. The way I began to combat this was replacing all the good thoughts with bad thoughts- first I would remind myself that my Daddy has never ever given me any reason not to trust me and has never hurt me, then for ever negative insecure/untrustworthy thought I had about him/us I would make myself think 3 good, kind, thoughtful things that my Daddy has done for me. I would suggest you try both of these things as well as making a file on your computer filled with photos, messages, screen shots, videos etc; of happy moments/exchanges between the two of you that you can look at when these feelings strike to help you remember how great things are between the two of you :)
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Guest Harpsie

Thank you so much for the input again, I greatly appreciate. Things are going pretty smoothly, I still face insecurities, but I'm trying my best to cut myself some slack and just believe and put more faith into my Little. It's a really healthy feeling too cause I get less of that horrible, being eaten away feeling, cause I catch myself trusting and believing her and it feels really good. Thank you again everyone!

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Guest CharlieFPG

Welcome Harpsie. I am going to stress the communication part. In my own experience I know, in a logical way, that communication, constant communication is important. But you need to grasp and understand how important really is.

 

Do not feel ashamed to share your insecurities with your 'little' first of all, and a close friend or family member. A good strategy is set up a moment (one hour or two) of the week, or month to communicate and review. What was positive, what should be improved. What she felt comfortable with and otherwise, and for you as well.

 

Acting up tough and trying to appear flawless is not going to cut it. You will eventually burst, as it was previously mentioned here.

 

Read, investigate, watch videos, prepare yourself. Knowledge is a good way to gather tools and strategies to overcome difficulties. There is always room for improvement. But do not face improvement from the anxiety side of 'I may fall short'. But from the point of view of 'I want to be a better partner'.

Edited by CharlieFPG
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