What Should I Do
Posted 13 March 2019 - 05:03 PM
- MasterPhotog likes this
Posted 13 March 2019 - 05:07 PM
You are absolutely not overthinking things! Unfortunately many people are only looking for what's good right now rather than looking toward the future. It sounds like either you guys need to sit down and have a long talk to hash this out and if he can't understand the meaning of "in sickness and in health, til death do us part" then you need to look for someone -- and even more than that, you DESERVE someone -- who will be there for you no matter what happens.
I have a disability myself, and it only gets worse as I get older. It takes a special person to deal with those kinds of things, but you need to keep in mind that if someone truly loves you they will be there for you no matter what life throws at the both of you.
- littleblueskyee, Rena and MasterPhotog like this
Posted 13 March 2019 - 06:31 PM
I agree with Sadie that no, you are not over-thinking things. I disagree with her on the idea of talking to him about it. I have learned that if someone tells you who they are - believe them. You might shame him into saying something different, or taking another position - but you aren't going to change him.
Posted 13 March 2019 - 06:32 PM
nobody should be expected to endure hardships unless theres a serious commitment a relationships shouldnt be hard but if you guys were to ever get married or make a solid commitment to eachother then that would be something else entirely
its not nice or happy but bad things can and do happen and its tests people some pass and stay and some fail and leave/run away
i think you should be asking him "if we were married and i got into an accident which left me unable to care for myself would you leave"
but dont expect an answer or expect a answer you wish to hear, people dont know their limits until they reach them
again to reiterate, leaving does not make a person bad
because it is much better to leave than it is to stay and risk mental and physical harm as a result of a lifestyle you didn't want or couldnt cope with to be in
also again, it sucks and nobody wants to hear the truth because its rarely happy or good but nobody is at fault for not having the strength or ability to endure it
Edited by Aetherr, 13 March 2019 - 06:36 PM.
- Mr Mister likes this
Posted 13 March 2019 - 08:09 PM
It seems I'm the odd one out but I see these types of questions as impractical and pointless. Especially if the two people entering such conversations aren't in love. Nobody actually knows what they would do. You can say you'll be there forever, you can say you would leave, you can say idk, but it's nothing more than speculation. Just be present and enjoy the now.
- Gândi_Bee, Brokenbouncy, Urthurs and 1 other like this
Posted 13 March 2019 - 11:17 PM
Firstly - None of us can give you accurate advice as we do NOT know your circumstance with your Daddy. Are you two engaged, have been together for 2 weeks, do you have symptoms of illness, does he seem disinterested, are you two lovingly committed, etc. So you need to realize that we cannot give you fully informed advice specifically to you two. So please take what everyone says (including me, naturally) with a grain of salt and analyze your situation with him.
There are two ways to look at this:
1. Yes that can potentially be a horrible thing for him to admit, but... is it though? How old is he? Is he young? How many of you young people (18-23) would want to deal with a severely disabled/sick person when you signed up for a casual fling? If you are honest with yourself, a lot of you would bail out as well (respectfully, I am sure, but nonetheless). I honestly think, good for him. Good for him for being honest with you and not just giving you what you wanted to hear. Life is filled with hard truths and sometimes, we need to know them. I honestly think you should thank him for being honest, even if you don't like it. He is setting clear and concise boundaries to what he can and cannot handle.
A lot of people cannot handle a partner with mental illness, let alone physical illnesses, not because the person with the mental illness is wrong in any way, but it is a lot of accomodating and compromising. Vastly more so than a regular relationship. And some people simply cannot handle that. This is another reason why we shouldn't ask questions we are prepared for the potential answers.
2. You can ask yourself the same question and see if you two are in the same place. If you are honest with YOU, could you do it - take a day and truly think about what it would entail to care for someone; the change in dynamic, the change in day to day life, the change in perspective, the added responsibilities and limitations, the unexpected bad forces that come with disabilities or severe illnesses, etc. Would you be happy, at this time in your life, potentially giving up an "easier" relationship that fulfilled you more on a dynamic little (because that person is healthy and can be the Daddy you need all the time) vs the Daddy that is sick and can maybe be in Daddy Mode once a week if that? Is it -really- that bad of a thing to say "no, that is too hard for me right now?"
I would advise you to take this as an opportunity to see if you two are in the same place. It sounds like you are more committed to the relationship than he is, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if you are looking for someone who wants to put forth that dedication, maybe he isn't the right Daddy for you. Then again, if you sit and discuss it further, maybe you come to understand his perspective and are happy with him. Either way this helps you two figure out where you are and if you're both on the same page in the relationship or not.
Edited by MommySophia, 13 March 2019 - 11:24 PM.
Posted 14 March 2019 - 12:36 AM
It's not overreacting, imo. As you are finding out about the ideals, values and morals of an other person. And those are really important.
However, you may want to consider the question and your own answer to it more, and also how your daddy sees it. You may be thinking this relationship where the other person "is the one". And he is thinking his currect life and whether he would be okay to stay and care for someone severly disabled or changed, leave all his dreams and goals.
( Also note: unles you are talking of marriage, he may not be in the stage with you where he has made or even thinking of making such commitment to you. Which may be the thing that upsets you. And then there is the question that would this "better or worse" be his ideal even in commited rel, which imo is probably the most upsetting thing for you as then you two don't share ideals. )
I have practical experience on this and my own morals say that if you are in commited relationship , then you have commited for the better and worse. But, huge BUT: I see that more as being there for the other person, not being in relationship ( had to learn this the hard way, I hope you never need to ). Because:
Disability, sickness and so on will change the person and they may not be the same person anymore. Your relationship will not be the same either as situation and even the people in it have changed. There actually may not be relationship to beging with anymore. Unfortunately this is something you only see when it happens as it is really complex thing and it is affected a lot by manymany minor little things. Just like you mostly don't see your rel ending when you are in the looveydoovey phase.
So, there will be question that is the rel anymore a rel at all, do both feel happy in it? Are you improving each other or are you getting bitter? As nasty truth is that many relationships end, many end as people no longer feel connection. That happens to rels that have no major difficulties. So, it is even easier to happen for relationship that has lot of nasty things going on there. And it may not be at all about the sickness/disability etc, just about how the people change, how life changes, how people have different goals in life.
Most people don't think these when they answer the question. They mainly think the work load, lost dreams, hardships which may come with sickness and disability. And what they are willing to sacrifice for someone else. Or maybe we THINK that is what they think even they may have lot deeper explanations for their answers.
In the end still: if either one in the rel thinks that the rel is dragging them down, it is source of negative things over positive.... Would you want to forcefully keep person like that with you? I doubt so as their negativity would also bring you down. And at that point you wouldn't be good for each other anymore.
Thou I agree with you (?) that someone leaving almost immediately after some hardship ( in commited rel ), well, they seem bit hasty and selfish to me as they don't take the time to see how it will be. And I would question the depth of their emotions if they change so fast. Because when somehting nasty happens, you want to be there for the other person. Just after years you may see that it just doesn't work anymore. You shouldn't decide on divorce in 5minutes, so same should apply to this in my opinion.
Thing is: you shoud never see staying with the other person as sacrifice.
When I was put in that position where my partner had major issues, I didn't see it as sacrifice to stay. Just that nasty stuff was happening and we needed to get through with them, that's life. And nowadays that is what I wish to have from my commited partner too: them trying to get through life WITH me, together. And being as happy as possible while doing it
Edited by baby_k, 14 March 2019 - 12:48 AM.
Posted 14 March 2019 - 01:17 AM
I guess this is where I differ with people. Now before I continue saying anything, I just want to make this very clear: Me and my Daddy love each other very much. We have discussed getting engaged soon as we have been together for 6 years, we live together, and we adore each others very being.
With that being said, we have had this discussion many, many, many times. We have had the agreement that we will have that figured out when the time comes, that is if there is time to have about situations like this. If something happens where I am going to be paralyzed or a vegetable for the rest of my life, I would want him to find someone else and vice versa. However, when and if that time comes, we agreed that if we want to stay after that, of course that is perfectly fine!
Now with diabetes, being blind and deaf, we are more than happy to stay for those reasons. For I am slowly going deaf, we have had to have this discussion. And we agreed with these sort of situations, we will stay for things like this. As they can be worked around easier for the other person.
We also discussed that when one of us get told that we have to be on life support for the rest of our lives and be a vegetable/paralyzed, we agreed we want to be unplugged. We agreed there is no point in living a life we cannot properly experience.
Let me just state as well: Just because me and my Daddy have these views, doesn't mean anyone else has to have these as well. We adore the stories and adventures of people who have stayed with their significant other after things like these happen to them. It takes a lot of courage, time, and energy. Yes, love has to do with it, and I believe that love is very, very strong. But we are at a point where we don't want to be nurses for the rest of our lives, and from my eyes, there is nothing wrong with that. It would/will be heartbreaking whether or not that happens in mine and my Daddy's life.
And to me, these are all just options. We could change our minds in the point of action, which is very possible. These were just discussions we had. I have watched people take care of their husband's/wife's(mind you, all their marriages were wonderful that I knew of) and some grew so depressed, but some were also very pleased and grateful to take care of them.
Everyone has an opinion on this matter. Do I think you are looking too far ahead? Of course not. But in my eyes, understand his happiness. When it happens, take mind of what will happen to their mental state and what it could do to them. Will they have the mental capacity to do it? It could be unbearable for him, or he might end up finding joy in helping out. But then again, you will only truly know when it actually happens.
- Gândi_Bee likes this
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