Does anyone else gets lots of friend requests when they bump their ad but no follow up message?

[BlueEyedDaddy]

I’ve been really frustrated by this lately. Anytime I bump my ad, I seem to get a random friend request in response.

My ad is pretty long, VERY detailed, and asks for a response with a few specific things. I’m starting to feel rather cynical about continuing to try here because it feels like even when I put in all the effort of writing something about me and what I’m looking for, I’m apparently still expected to write the first message even though I didn’t add the person.

 

I’m wondering if anyone else out there is dealing with this and how they cope with it. Do you have any ideas as to how to get respondents talking instead of the usual one sentence “hewwo” message?

[Guest Aetherr]

It's something I have dealt with in the past also some women I meet just don't seem to have a personality or the willingness to put in the effort, I just delete them and move on, the make no effort to reach out so I highly doubt I would be missed

[LittleTeacup]

I don't even have an ad and I've still gotten loads of friend requests. If I recognize the name, I usually accept. But, most people don't send me any messages. Or, they'll send one, I respond, and then no more. There's also been a few people I've sent friend requests to, they accept, and I don't send them a message. On my end, it's because I like them, but don't generally have a conversation in mind. I assume others are the same way.

 

If you wanna talk, you're gonna have to send them a message. I always figure that people like my comments and want to keep me available to message if anything comes up. But it would be exhausting to try to hold several conversations about random stuff all the time. I'm glad I don't get a zillion messages from all my friends on this site.

[BlueEyedDaddy]

“If you wanna talk, you're gonna have to send them a message.”

 

That shouldn’t be the case. I spent a lot of time and energy spelling out, in detail, who I am and what I’m looking for. 98% of the people who add me don’t have a post or comment history, so it’s not like there’s anything for me to message them about.

 

This article explains the issue in detail with evidence to back up the problem. It’s women who need to step up here, not us men/caregivers.

 

https://theblog.okcupid.com/a-womans-advantage-82d5074dde2d

 

If someone reads my entire ad, or sees me in a a chat and thinks I’m interesting, and can’t come up with anything to say... that’s not something I can fix. I can’t read someone’s mind and when I do message people and ask why they add me, I maybe get a sentence back and then never hear from them again.

 

At this point I’m just dying for someone who can hold a conversation without me doing most, if not all of, the work.

 

I appreciate your sentiment but I think once you read that article and consider what I’ve said, you’ll understand my dilemma and frustration.

[baby_k]

I have asked in my profile people to send me message if they send friend's request. Mainly because then I can feel free to be pissed if people add me and I never hear from them.

 

If I have time, I send these "you sent me friend's request?" -messages. They are not always taken well and I get rude replies but then just more the reason to unfriend that person.

 

Personally I would prefer that one would have to add message to the friend's request as I would like to know why someone adds me without the hassle of actually communicating with them ( not a peopleperson, I know ). And often even getting somewhat decent replies, people can't really point out why they added me ( "oh, you sounded cool" .....like, seriously? How on earth I can continue the convo from that? And why you think it is okay to know so much about me and then give pretty much zero back? ).

 

***

 

Women may get advantage by approaching first. And in my own country that has always been good tactic for me. However, being online with other cultures I have found out that men then often seem to think I'm somehow desperate etc. if I do that, which makes them act in nasty way. Or maybe they would be like that anyhow, who knows as can't really test this too well

 

 

**

 

Anyhow, this all probably is just part of the process. And I can admit not being super great to talk to sometimes myself, because, well, life. It happens.

[Guest Revurx]

This site isn't primarily focused on, nor is it tailored to, dating. The odds of finding what you want are pretty low. I'm speculating, but I assume the majority of users don't have any serious intentions on finding a partner here, hence the empty profiles and lack of messaging. The solution to your problem is to focus your efforts on dating elsewhere. I haven't had the same problems you outlined on sites that are solely focused on dating. I just use the forum as a place for fun banter and information. I have no expectations beyond that, therefore, no disappointments. Edited March 16, 2019 by Revurx

[LittleTeacup]

“If you wanna talk, you're gonna have to send them a message.”

 

That shouldn’t be the case. I spent a lot of time and energy spelling out, in detail, who I am and what I’m looking for. 98% of the people who add me don’t have a post or comment history, so it’s not like there’s anything for me to message them about.

 

This article explains the issue in detail with evidence to back up the problem. It’s women who need to step up here, not us men/caregivers.

 

https://theblog.okcupid.com/a-womans-advantage-82d5074dde2d

 

If someone reads my entire ad, or sees me in a a chat and thinks I’m interesting, and can’t come up with anything to say... that’s not something I can fix. I can’t read someone’s mind and when I do message people and ask why they add me, I maybe get a sentence back and then never hear from them again.

 

At this point I’m just dying for someone who can hold a conversation without me doing most, if not all of, the work.

 

I appreciate your sentiment but I think once you read that article and consider what I’ve said, you’ll understand my dilemma and frustration.

 

 

Oh, I thought you were looking for friends to chat with. Oops. I don't even look at the personals so I forgot about them.

 

I do want to mention that this is not specifically a woman thing. The first day I made an account here, I got 10+ friend requests from guys with no posts, no icons, and I didn't even look at their profiles but probably empty ones. I denied them all because they seemed like creeps. Throughout my time here, I've gotten friend requests from guys who saw me in the chat or just from my comments around the site - I accepted them and never got a message. I also got a few messages asking personal things about my body and I had to specifically point out I'm not shopping for a partner online. (Hence my bolded notice at the bottom of my signature.)

 

What I think is men and women alike tend to shoot out friend requests to a lot of people they think are hot/cute/whatever and hope somebody bites. It's definitely not something only happening to you. It's part of a society of social media where all you need to do to "make a friend" is push a button and people have 100 "friends". Also I think a lot of people on this website aren't very good at communication. Edit your personal to say at the top "if you friend me, I expect a message within 1 day or I will assume you're not interested."

[SamL]

I’ve been really frustrated by this lately. Anytime I bump my ad, I seem to get a random friend request in response.

My ad is pretty long, VERY detailed, and asks for a response with a few specific things. I’m starting to feel rather cynical about continuing to try here because it feels like even when I put in all the effort of writing something about me and what I’m looking for, I’m apparently still expected to write the first message even though I didn’t add the person.

 

I’m wondering if anyone else out there is dealing with this and how they cope with it. Do you have any ideas as to how to get respondents talking instead of the usual one sentence “hewwo” message?

 

I would be very grateful for the adding you followed by silence or the one sentence message.  Since it frustrates you, then you know you aren't going to be a good fit before you've invested ANY time or energy.  How awesome for you.  Try pulling up to the casino in a Ferrari and buying into the no-limit Hold'em game for $50K and then getting some female attention.  Are we a good fit or does she think she'd be a good fit with the Ferrari?  I have to invest some time, energy and probably money too - just to discover that we are a bad fit.  You get to find that out for free.  

 

Gratitude is the best way to deal with unpleasantness.  Find something to be grateful for...hope the above was a tool you can use.

[DustBunny93]

I have had people send me a friend request and never message me. I also have people who seem to not know how to hold a conversation and talk to me too.

[LittleTeacup]

I have had people send me a friend request and never message me.

 

And I'm one of them. You're one of the people I friended because I liked your comments.

[Little Bat]

From my experience no matter where I am Kik here FetLife almost every person just says hi there's very few people that put some effort in the first message and even half of those are just really creepy and probably also sent to any girl they decide to message it's very rare to get a nice message that actually says that they put some effort into reading what you posted it's sad but just the way it seems to be

[Guest crazycatdaddy]

From what I've seen in other communities, shyness and feelings of awkwardness can be an issue. There's also the feeling, right or wrong, on the part of some individuals that their friend request counts as "taking the first step" or sending a message, and from that point of view, the ball is then in your court to respond to the friend request by sending a message. Perhaps adding a line to your personal ad to say something like: "if you send me a friend request that would be great, but please send a follow-up message once I accept." Or alternatively, ask people to simply reply to your ad on the forum before sending you a friend request. In both cases, if you do get a friend request in future with no further contact, you can be fairly confident that the person in question didn't actually fully read your personal ad - and if they can't be bothered to do that, they probably don't warrant your time anyway.

[Guest Voidart]

Some people are shy enough to shy away from doing so. Others want the man to take the first initiativ. Others change their mind mid-way through. 
Everyone has their own reasons to do whatever they want. 

It's quite normal if anything. 
I mean it's easier to press a button to make a friend than to take that first step in initating anything. 

If I were you i'd just move on from it and look at all the people who actually took that initativ into writing something out rather than focusing on the ones who don't. 
 

Cheers

[Guest Looby-Lou]

I feel the same as the OP.

One of the things that attracts me to BDSM & DDlg is the increased level of communication (or so I thought).

 

If I accept a FR, then I expect the person to have something to say to me.

I might send a message saying "I've accepted your FR and look forward to hearing from you..."

If they don't message me or reply to my msg, then I delete them. Simple as that. But it hurts a bit.

I used to send a polite msg saying "I didn't hear from you ...if I got this wrong and you're interested feel free to re-request". Now I just assume "No Message = No Interest" and in my book "No Message = No Friend".

 

If you like something I've said in a thread, that's lovely. Please "like" the post, or put your own comment in the thread.

If you like my profile, that's lovely. But please don't FR me just as a compliment.

I don't want to be collected as just another icon on your wall of friends-who-aren't-friends.

 

I want this forum to stay diversified and ALIVE. And for that, people need to contribute to the threads. So for that reason I keep 99.9% of my comms on the public threads. I truly believe it's the best way to keep the forum active and for us to help each other.

I don't have time or interest to sustain multiple individual chats with other members, which is why I don't randomly friend request (however interesting you are) or accept FR. Please don't take it personally. (And thank you to the lovely DDs who I've had interesting, funny, helpful chats with even if we decided we weren't a match it was great to chat.)

 

I'm looking for a Daddy. That's the only reason I want to have any FR from DDs.

 

P.S. I've got my profile on a mainstream dating site which also has interesting blogs etc. It's the same there. Lots of interest sent my way, but not much conversation. Although I've met (IRL) some nice guys from there.

 

Looby 

Edited June 12, 2019 by Looby-Lou

[Little kaiya]

My Daddy and I are here to share information and experiences as well as learn from other people.

 

We are pretty clear upfront that we aren't looking for relationships, I'm not seeking another Daddy or Caregiver and he isn't seeking another little.

 

We also arent seeking little play partners or play dated as DDlg for us involves a significant emotional bond and vulnerability on both our sides that we really aren't interested in displaying in front of others, even those in the DDlg community.

 

We do get friend requests but if it's a profile with zero information, no posting history or if there is a posting history but it's only on personal ads we tend to decline the request.

 

We're ok if there's not an immediate follow up as we recognize it could be someone who just likes our posts and may want to discuss something in the future. If on the other hand there is a follow up message but it's a "friend collector" asking to be online friends, or a DD saying "good girl" for accepting we typically politely remove the person as they obviously didn't read our profile.

 

There is no real way to 100% screenout the "hewooo" respondents or others who clearly didn't read your profile but just because you accepted initially doesn't mean you have to keep that friendship request.

 

Little kaiya

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

Yes.

[Guest Clair]

Sometimes a long message can be very overwhelming and scary. How about you split the information into smaller pieces? Start of with something more casual, see if the Little is actually interested in a conversation or not.

 

Sorry for my english...It's not my first language .

[Little kaiya]

Sometimes a long message can be very overwhelming and scary. How about you split the information into smaller pieces? Start of with something more casual, see if the Little is actually interested in a conversation or not.

 

Sorry for my english...It's not my first language .

Well, in the case of the OP it is the little replying to his personal ad so that suggests they want to have a conversation.

 

As for a long ad or post being intimidating, we are all adults first. Just because some of us here identity as littles doesn't mean it is an excuse to not communicate properly or respectfully. As people can only have one personal ad splitting it up into smaller pieces isn't really an option.

 

If someone finds a long personal ad overwhelming or scary that may be a flag that suggests that maybe there is a compatibility issues off the hop.

 

My Daddy and I don't have a personal ad as we aren't looking for partners or things like that but we will sometimes peruse personal ads if we've seen a person post things we find interesting as we like exchanging thoughts and ideas. It truly boggles our minds though at some of the replies.

 

For example:

 

- Male littles posting on a Daddy's ad where he clearly says he's straight,

- People posting on ads that say no LDR and they're in completely different countries,

- Ads that say "no poly" but they then turn around and say they have partners, or

- ads that say physical contact is a non negotiable then say they are open to LDR.

 

Kind of seem like recipes for disappointment an hurt feelings doesnt it? Or, one of the ones that blows us away, the inevitable copy and paste replies by one person to multiple ads. I can't imagine getting a "copy paste" response that ignores one's ad can make anyone feel wanted, special or as anything but a means to an end.

 

Each to their own but just looking at the "we should all be friends" kind of posts or way people reply or act on personal ads it is no surprise people get jaded. We may all like Cg/l but honestly is that really enough for a real friendship that will stand the test of time? It would be like saying all hockey fans should be friends because they have hockey in common, sounds silly doesn't it? One thing in common can be a start but one thing a friendship doesn't make, just food for thought.

 

Little kaiya

Edited June 13, 2019 by Little kaiya

[Guest Looby-Lou]

Sometimes a long message can be very overwhelming and scary. How about you split the information into smaller pieces? Start of with something more casual, see if the Little is actually interested in a conversation or not.

 

Sorry for my english...It's not my first language .

 

I think you've made a good point (and your English is just fine).

 

Some people (littles and DD's alike) can be overwhelmed by too much chat all at once. Other people enjoy long chatty messages.

 

I think you can tell by the style of someone's profile, personal listing, messages on threads etc., if they are chatty or not. I mean it's really obvious I'm a girl of few words isn't it (we really need a "crying with laughter" emoji please Mods!!!)

 

I find it reassuring if someone tells me a lot about themselves, what they might want from me, and what they like about me. Other people find it intimidating.

I find short terse messages intimidating, it makes me feel that the person is cross with me.

It's not right or wrong, it's more if you're compatible or not. And if you like someone then it's about learning what works best for them.

As always, communication is key! Whether "communication" means long messages or short ones is up to the people involved in the conversation 

 

But when people send a Friend Request and then don't message you, it can be disappointing and frustrating. Especially if they have sent the FR in response to your personal listing (like the OP's situation). Frankly I think it's bad manners.

 

Looby ...a girl who believes "why use one word when you could use six"     

[Guest Looby-Lou]

 ....As people can only have one personal ad splitting it up into smaller pieces isn't really an option.....

 

....If someone finds a long personal ad overwhelming or scary that may be a flag that suggests that maybe there is a compatibility issues off the hop...

I think maybe when he said about splitting it up into smaller bites he was referring to replies to personal ads, not the actual personal listing. It's indeed possible to send several shorter messages rather than one long one, if that's what people prefer. 

 

Totally agree with you - if someone finds a long personal overwhelming then it indicates incompatibility from the start LOL.

And the opposite - e.g. my personal listing is detailed, why does someone think I'll be happy with a one sentence reply? I want something that grabs my attention, gives me something to respond to.

 

Also totally agree with you about some of the responses being way off mark e.g. LD when the OP wants IRL, or poly when they are monogamous etc.

Makes me wonder if people bother to read before they hit "reply".

 

Looby 

Edited June 14, 2019 by Looby-Lou

[Daddy4Princess]

This scenario happens to me more often than not.

 

- I receive a random friend request.

 

-I accept it and message the person. (Usually something along the lines of "Thank you for the friend request.  What was it about my profile that made you want to send one?")

 

- I get a response, and try to start a conversation.

 

-Within a week their account is deleted.

[Guest Looby-Lou]

This scenario happens to me more often than not.

 

- I receive a random friend request.

 

-I accept it and message the person. (Usually something along the lines of "Thank you for the friend request.  What was it about my profile that made you want to send one?")

 

- I get a response, and try to start a conversation.

 

-Within a week their account is deleted.

 

If you get a response you're lucky LOL

 

I have no idea why someone would FR me in response to my personal, wait for me to accept the FR with a polite message similar to yours above, and then NOT REPLY. 

So ... they have initiated the contact, i take the bother to check their profile/forum posts etc before accepting it, and then they don't bother to reply. So all they did was get my hopes up & waste my time. BAD MANNERS! Pull up your socks DD's!   

 

ETA: not all DD's are like that! and thank you to the ones i've had lovely chats with before we decided to go our own way 

 

Looby   

Edited June 22, 2019 by Looby-Lou

[hurtnolivingthing]

Hi Looby-Lou

 

You said:

 

"I have no idea why someone would FR me in response to my personal, wait for me to accept the FR with a polite message similar to yours above, and then NOT REPLY". 

 

 

I think the answer is sadly simple.

 

There are two main reasons I think:

 

1. In this day and age... many, many people have a very poor knowledge of social etiquette.

    They don't understand or care about, showing consideration or being polite to other people.

    The younger they are, the worse they are in this regard.

 

    This is often accompanied by the second reason:

 

2. Many, many young people are spoiled and feel entitled.

    Girls are the very worse. Many think just being female, entitles them to male attention.

    They expect men to shower them with attention and make all the effort.

     They expect to do little or nothing, and assume, attention and effort by men, should come their way.

 

That's all it's down to I'm afraid.

 

There may of course be the odd few who are different.. but they are very few indeed.

[Huggybear]

I understand it can be frustrating to have someone add you and be silent, but think of it this way, they showed you atleast some interest by adding you, they are propably jittery and scared not to mess up, rewriting their first hello a thousand times before getting discouraged and then drop it.

We shouldnt forget what website were at, this is definately not OkCupid. I can of course only talk from my own point of view, but forgive me for saying that I would not expect a first message as a daddy/mommy. Infact the second I accept a friend request I instantly send a message saying hello, thanking for friendship and wishing a wonderful day. If you still get silence, then its on them.

 

Im actually very surprised reading this because my experiences have been pretty much 100% pleasant atleast first impression-wise. I might just be lucky I guess.

May this be the unpopular opinion based on most things ive read.

Edited June 25, 2019 by Huggybear

[Guest Looby-Lou]

Infact the second I accept a friend request I instantly send a message saying hello, thanking for friendship and wishing a wonderful day. If you still get silence, then its on them.

 

Im actually very surprised reading this because my experiences have been pretty much 100% pleasant atleast first impression-wise. I might just be lucky I guess.

 

 

Those two parts of your post answer each other.

Because you are Daddy enough, Dom enough, and dare I say it simply POLITE & KIND enough to send the first message, that's why you get a better response. 

Of course there are lovely DD's out there who send the first msg and still get messed about littles not responding. It happens a lot the other way round too... I get lots of FR and about 30% don't reply to my polite msg when I accept it. I find that bad manners, if nothing else, but hey ho.

 

Looby