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Suitable partners


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*I will be using DD’s and LGs as examples, but it still rings true with the genders reversed.


I want to discuss an issue within our lifestyle. I first noticed it when I was new, but I feel as time has gone on, the issue has only gotten worse.


The issue is compatibility. Now, if you have been in the lifestyle for a bit, you will have noticed it too as it usually happens with people newer to the lifestyle.


They will go straight to trying to find someone. Who? Does not matter who, as long as they are the other part of the dynamic.


New daddies who want a little, new littles that want a daddy. That is fine, but what type of little is compatible to you? Just because they are a daddy and you are a little, does not mean it is meant to be. We are all individuals with unique traits; being a little does not take my personality away from me.


Is a masochistic sub brat little going to click with a submissive daddy?

Maybe, but then various issues will arise such as, “My daddy won’t punish me”, “I can’t control my little”, “I don’t think I’m a dom?”, “Should I be poly?”

*There is nothing wrong with being poly, however, you should not be poly just because your daddy is not the right daddy for you. Only be poly if you are a poly person.


Is a strict sadistic daddy dom going to click with a little that needs more nurturing than punishment?

Maybe, but then various issues will arise such as, “My little doesn’t like the punishments I give her”, “my daddy is too strict”, “I don’t understand my daddy.”

*They think they can compromise even though their personalities will clash. If they are to compromise, then the daddy must make sure he is entirely aware of the little's breaking point, as should most doms.


Is a submissive little boy the one to be your daddy dom?

Maybe, but then various issues will arise such as, “My daddy wants me to be his mommy, and I don’t know how?”, “I want to try being dominant for my daddy, but it’s just not me”, “My little won’t give me time to be little myself.”

*This usually happens when two littles want instant gratification, the results are usually disastrous. This is NOT a switch relationship.


I can give out numerous other examples of types of couples that are not compatible with each other. “You’re a little? Cool, I’m a daddy let’s be together based purely on these facts.” NOPE. Or instantly going to call someone daddy on day one. ALL MY NOPE!


The most important thing, to any relationship, is building that friendship. Once a friendship is formed, then the dynamic and relationship should follow naturally.


In my own experience, calling someone daddy should never be forced, but it should also not happen before there is a solid friendship. There is a right time, and you will know that moment. You will naturally want to call him daddy and pursue the relationship further with him.


Also, for the caregivers, yes, she is a cute little, but what type of person is she? What type of little is she? Is this little going to brighten your day? Is she suitable for you or do you only see the title? Same goes for littles, is he ideal to you or do you only see the title? What can you give each other?


I think what I am saying is, take your time. Converse with different types of people. Research. Make friends. Find out what type of daddy/little you are on your own and figure out what you want. There is no point wasting energy on the wrong person.

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Those are excellent words to live by. I will also add that there are a lot of very lonely people in the DDLG community and sometimes our loneliness gets in the way of our judgement. Read 'BATMAN's' posting very carefully and I know you will find what you are searching for.

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In addition to:

Is a submissive little boy the one to be your daddy dom?

Maybe, but then various issues will arise such as, “My daddy wants me to be his mommy, and I don’t know how?”, “I want to try being dominant for my daddy, but it’s just not me”, “My little won’t give me time to be little myself.”

“I have no interest in being a dom/domme, but they keep pressuring me to act out that role.” And “My partner acts little around me but I don’t like it. How do I make them stop?”



The other thing too is that people misunderstand basic human emotions as being sub or dom.

You can have a sense of humour, be dorky or silly, enjoy cartoons or toy & figurine collecting and whatnot- it doesn’t mean you’re less of a dom. You can feel upset, vulnerable and needy, it also doesn’t make you a little/sub.

You can care for your partner, nurture them and support them- it doesn’t automatically make you a dom.

Don’t let your normal feelings affect your relationship because you’re stubborn about doing anything that you feel jeopardizes your ideal role as sub/dom and making you less of whatever you identify as- it doesn’t.

So don’t mistake someone sharing their personality with you as an indication of them not meeting the expectation of their role.


It will be a rare occasion that you meet someone who “ticks all the boxes”. Don’t be so quick to skip over someone just because there are a few things you don’t have in common or don’t agree on. Take the time to get to know each other properly- as Barbie said.

If you are of the impression that relationships shouldn’t be “work”, you’re somewhat on the wrong path. People grow and change until the end, just as you will. The beauty is in finding somebody to go through these changes with together. But if you’re incompatible from the beginning, it’s unlikely for that to change over time.


I mighta rambled because tired.

Edited by Pox
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This is something which has... I won't say 'bugged' me, but certainly struck me; without wanting to belittle anyone's relationships or tell people they're doing it wrong, it feels like people approach things backwards, jumping in headfirst, then starting to get to know each other, and then finding out that they're not so compatible after all and getting, if not exactly hurt, then certainly upset.


A few times in chat people have asked how to go about getting a daddy or a little, and my advice has always been the same; don't. That's trying to force it. Just focus on getting to know people and making friends (without 'hooking up' lingering as a goal). If you click and meet the right one, you'll both know it.


But that's just, like, my opinion, man.

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Great, great, great posts. This isnt just an issue in our community but it certainly is one that can use a bit more "air time" as it were. Just because someone is a little or a caregiver doesnt mean basic relationship advice doesn't apply.


Lately I've noticed littles and caregivers copying and posting the exact same response to personal ads when they obviously haven't read the ad, e.g someone in the UK posting on an ad from someone in the US where the person explicitly said no LDR or someone in a poly relationship replying to an ad where someone said monogamous only.


Finding the RIGHT person and getting to know one another before diving headlong into a DDlg relationship seems more likely to lead to success but each to their own.


Thank you Barbie for starting the thread and everyone else for sharing such important perspectives.


Little kaiya

Edited by Little kaiya
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This is an excellent post thank you Barbie!


I would like to add that a big part of compatibility is knowing yourself. Not in the sense of I am a little and need a Daddy, but in the sense of what your non-negotiable needs are. What do you absolutely need in a relationship that cannot be compromised on for your well being and mental, physical, emotional happiness; you want juice when your thirsty, but long term you need water for survival and health. A more specific example of one of my non-negotiable needs is that I need consistency in a relationship. I need to know that my partner word is law and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behavior. This is a real non-negotiable need because inconsistency makes me anxious, it also messes with my submissive headspace and leaves me unable to serve properly, and leaves me feeling very unloved. If I know what I cannot negotiate on in a relationship and I meet someone cannot fulfill one of those needs we are probably not going to be compatible for long.


Needs are going to be different for everybody. Now I am not saying you cannot have wants, they are really nice to have and awesome if I find a partner that wants to provide my wants, but a want is something I can negotiate on and is not going to affect compatibility if it's only a handful of things a partner is unwilling to fulfill. I want a partner who will brush my hair, I want a partner who is industrious and good with their hands but I don't absolutely need those things to be happy and fulfilled with someone.


Knowing your non-negotiable needs means you have a better understanding of yourself and a good grasp of a fair chunk of what will make you compatible partners. 

Edited by TwilightSparklez
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Fortunately, I'm too nervous and shy to jump into a relationship unless I reeeeaaaallllllyyy like the person, in which case we're probably at least somewhat compatible. :)


But this ties into how I sometimes see people on the status updates saying things like fake daddies or less often fake littles when usually it's just a compatibility issue. I'd only use the word "fake" to describe a person deliberately deceptive or an abuser.

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Guest crazycatdaddy

This is an invaluable post, especially for people new to the dynamic or looking to join in for the first time.


Sometimes, because we're part of quite a small community, there can be a huge amount of pressure that we put on ourselves to find a partner within the community. And when we get to that point of almost being desperate, jumping on the first person who comes along feels like the right thing to do. It's definitely worth taking the time to get to know a potential partner before rushing in. As you pointed out, there are many different "types" of caregivers and littles, and simply being "a little" and "a caregiver" does not mean there's going to be any compatibility there.


Even if we feel like someone meets our requirements, personalities come into play and someone who may, on paper, seem to be the "perfect" partner may turn out to be someone we can't stand to be around!


Rushing into things too quickly is a great way to get hurt in the long run. Taking time with any potential partner to get to know them before agreeing to any relationship is definitely the sensible way to go. It isn't always easy to be rational when dealing with matters of the heart, but it's definitely worth trying.


Thanks for an excellent post, I'm sure people will find it very helpful indeed.

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Guest QueenJellybean

i absolutely agree with everything said above~


EDIT: i wanted to elaborate. 

as someone who is polyamorous, this is of the upmost importance and something that i see neglected a lot in other communities. 

(to be clear, i am not monogamy-bashing here.)
but with polyamory, one of the golden rules is to be upfront and honest about your desires when you're getting to know someone new so that the expectations for the relationship are clear from the start. everyone should have the option to say "i don't think this is for me" or "i don't think i can meet your needs." which i think monogamous folks should do more often!

it just seems (to be personally) to be more standard in healthy polya because well, you gotta explain to the person you're talking to that you have other, ethical relationships so it's easier to just explain everything you're looking for/want in a partner right up front.

but compatibility issues would be so much less of a problem if people were just... upfront about what they're looking for right off the bat without fear of retribution, or coming off as overattentive and needy. 


everyone is needy.

it's just a matter or not your needs mesh well with what another person needs/can give. 

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest DimpleDoll

Thank you so much for making this post, I’ve gotten kinda frustrated with how quickly people have wanted to commit and then got annoyed when I wasnt there yet


The “Getting- To - Know- Each- Other” stage is more than a couple days !!!


This includes getting to know the person and their style! Just cuz im a sub and you a dom doesn’t guarantee a connection or mean we can just jump ahead in the relationship process :/

Edited by DimpleDoll
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  • 2 weeks later...

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