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Going through first break up...


JellyBean_Cherry
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Hey everyone, 

so as the topic title suggests I'm going through my first break up. Prepare for a lengthy post.

 

My ex. DD and I started dating when I was 16 and our relationship naturally progressed into one of DDlg. 

He took a gap between high school and college to purse a career he was interested in, and I did my best to support him throughout the process. However, he grew unhappy and decided to go back to school. (I was already in college at this point) (Note that we were LDR for most of post high school)

 

Once he started school, that is when the problems in our relationship started. 

He was understandably busy with school and trying to make friends in the area (which I totally supported and gave him ideas on what activities he could do). However, he met one girl, we will call her Jane, who came across as extremely toxic. She only talked bad about exes and began demanding his time a bit. These were immediate red flags to me and I brought it to his attention.  He said she was the only friend he has at the moment and once he made other friends he would keep her at a distance. This seemed logically to me, so I only periodically asked for updates about her. I've had to deal with my fair share of toxic friends so my protective radar was going off.

 

Now at this point it started to become extremely difficult to get him to call or face time me. He was never "in the mood" and it became frustrating,  but I chalked It up to adjusting to a new life.

 

Now as a bit of back story,  my ex and I agreed that if we ever wanted to talk about sex/BDSM/DDlg with someone else, we would run it past the other person first. 

 

He came to visit for a weekend and my mental alarm system was going off. I decided to go through his text messages. with Jane. Him and I had a pretty open policy about this due to  trust breaking in the past (on his part) so I was sitting in his lap while doing so. After barely any scrolling he took his phone away. Which would not have been an issue if it was not for my previous red flag. Another day while he was busy I (wrongly) decided to go through his phone again. I found a lot of bad stuff. They facetimed a lot, and only talked about sex and BDSM interests. They mentioned being sexually frustrated and even had a conversation about if they could handle having a friend with benefits. He apparently even lied to me about hanging out with her one on one. He broke so many boundaries and trust that I broke up with him on the spot. he somehow had a way to explain everything and make It all seem okay, that I took him back the same night. 

 

With this he agreed to having 2 date nights a week and one day of the weekend. (all FaceTime). This was flexible if more important plans came up. This became really important to me since I was finally able to talk to him, both big/little/kitten/sub. He even removed Jane from all social media. He also made other friends in his class both boy and girl. It finally felt like things were going well.  

Until he met a new friend, we will call him John, who was into cars as much as  DD and he started his new job.

He started making less and less time for me. To where we had no date nights but he would go to car meets for hours. I was initially supportive of him finding people with the same interest. It became an issue when he stopped trying to make time for me. 3 dates became 0 for weeks. Whenever he got home from work and id try to talk to him about it he became "too tired to handle this" and would go to sleep. This was happening for weeks. He would promise a phone call or story and never follow through. 

 

Whenever  he met  a new  co-worker  I would ask my same questions. Like what are they like? are they nice? etc. When he met 2 new girl coworkers, he got defensive.

 

Sunday night, I was worried about us. For weeks I had been crying every. night, just wanting my Daddy to make time for us.  I texted him asking if we were going to be okay. And he pinky promised that once his summer started the scheduling would get better. The next morning he broke up with me, it all happened over text while he was at work. He didn't even try to step away to call. And just like that 3 years were over in less than an hour. He said he loves me very very much but there is nowhere for me to fit and he can't handle the distance.  I was devastated. That same day he added Jane back on social.

 

The big side of me is handling it better since I was close to being done as well. Due to his lack of effort, and all the trust he has broken throughout our three years.

However, Little/sub/kitten Me is handling it WAAY worse. feeling like her Daddy abandoned her even though he didn't make time for her and wouldnt help her stay little.  it hurts to think about trying to be little again or with someone else.  It's also impossible  to imagine meeting another DD in my life and letting someone touch me again. :(

 

Im so lost and scared and could use all the advice I can get!

Thank you,

JellyBean  :heart:

 

 

Edited by JellyBean_Cherry
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Guest QueenJellybean
Guest Daddy-Tom
I'm sorry this is happening to you and that you're so unhappy, and before I say anything remember that none of us knows what's best for you-only you do. Having said that, I think you know in your heart that this relationship was no longer right for you. The trust issues, the evasiveness, the absence of contact... it seems like your partner was no longer able to do the long distance thing. He came right out and said he was sexually frustrated. I'm not saying oh, if you were having plenty of sex then it would have been fine. I don't know that. One thing I would ask is whether you have any hobbies that can occupy your time. Your ex had his cars and whatever else and was trying to make new friends. Maybe he felt smothered by you and needed a break? Or the reverse-he wanted more attention from you, but the in-person kind that was not possible, and so he became resentful. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm new to this community but I'm friendly and happy to talk and give advice. I'm sure everyone else is too. Feel better!
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I'm sorry this is happening to you and that you're so unhappy, and before I say anything remember that none of us knows what's best for you-only you do. Having said that, I think you know in your heart that this relationship was no longer right for you. The trust issues, the evasiveness, the absence of contact... it seems like your partner was no longer able to do the long distance thing. He came right out and said he was sexually frustrated. I'm not saying oh, if you were having plenty of sex then it would have been fine. I don't know that. One thing I would ask is whether you have any hobbies that can occupy your time. Your ex had his cars and whatever else and was trying to make new friends. Maybe he felt smothered by you and needed a break? Or the reverse-he wanted more attention from you, but the in-person kind that was not possible, and so he became resentful. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm new to this community but I'm friendly and happy to talk and give advice. I'm sure everyone else is too. Feel better!

 

Thank you for the lovely responses! It is reassuring knowing I am not alone.  I definitely think I lost touch with myself towards the last few months of the relationship. My goal during the Summer is to make that connection again.

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Not excatly classy move to dump you with text. Also his other actions don't really put him in good light ( not taking care of his rel, not keeping you updated on how he feels, the weird rels with other girls, unaccetable break of trust with the bdsm stuff, cheating with that girl, breaking word with the date nights....).

 

I'm sure you understand intellectually that the dude was no prince charming and you are better off without him. This doesn't mean it wouldn't be hearbreaking of course.

 

I wouldn't panic yet about your little side, you will feel like little just by yourself after you have dealt enough with the breakup. And you will eventually feel like being little with someone much better suited person.

 

Now just focus on yourself, selfcare, doing things you like.... also pampering your little side when you feel ready for it. Keeping yourself busy for while normally helps alot. Also talking or writing about the breakup, get your emotions out.

 

If you see your little side as someone who you can "talk to" or write or so, you could try to comfort that side my telling that vulnerable part of yourself that it is valuable and loved still ( by you ).

 

You will get over this, also your little side will recover. :) Many have gone through the same ( and survived ), and even it may feel like end of the world, you will at some point realise it was even good thing to happen. It just takes time and processing.

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Not excatly classy move to dump you with text. Also his other actions don't really put him in good light ( not taking care of his rel, not keeping you updated on how he feels, the weird rels with other girls, unaccetable break of trust with the bdsm stuff, cheating with that girl, breaking word with the date nights....).

 

I'm sure you understand intellectually that the dude was no prince charming and you are better off without him. This doesn't mean it wouldn't be hearbreaking of course.

 

I wouldn't panic yet about your little side, you will feel like little just by yourself after you have dealt enough with the breakup. And you will eventually feel like being little with someone much better suited person.

 

Now just focus on yourself, selfcare, doing things you like.... also pampering your little side when you feel ready for it. Keeping yourself busy for while normally helps alot. Also talking or writing about the breakup, get your emotions out.

 

If you see your little side as someone who you can "talk to" or write or so, you could try to comfort that side my telling that vulnerable part of yourself that it is valuable and loved still ( by you ).

 

You will get over this, also your little side will recover. :) Many have gone through the same ( and survived ), and even it may feel like end of the world, you will at some point realise it was even good thing to happen. It just takes time and processing.

 

 

It definitely took being outside the relationship to truly process the toxic behavior, I was just so focused on being his perfect sub/little. It's going to be tricky to find things to do, but i'm working on making a list! It is going to be interesting to try and be little without him,  I fully came into little because of him and It was hard to be little without his affection. 

I will definitely try the talking to my little side and kind of nurture myself! 

thank you for the wonderful advice!  :heart:

Edited by JellyBean_Cherry
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Not excatly classy move to dump you with text. Also his other actions don't really put him in good light ( not taking care of his rel, not keeping you updated on how he feels, the weird rels with other girls, unaccetable break of trust with the bdsm stuff, cheating with that girl, breaking word with the date nights....).

 

I'm sure you understand intellectually that the dude was no prince charming and you are better off without him. This doesn't mean it wouldn't be hearbreaking of course.

 

I wouldn't panic yet about your little side, you will feel like little just by yourself after you have dealt enough with the breakup. And you will eventually feel like being little with someone much better suited person.

 

Now just focus on yourself, selfcare, doing things you like.... also pampering your little side when you feel ready for it. Keeping yourself busy for while normally helps alot. Also talking or writing about the breakup, get your emotions out.

 

If you see your little side as someone who you can "talk to" or write or so, you could try to comfort that side my telling that vulnerable part of yourself that it is valuable and loved still ( by you ).

 

You will get over this, also your little side will recover. :) Many have gone through the same ( and survived ), and even it may feel like end of the world, you will at some point realise it was even good thing to happen. It just takes time and processing.

 

Strongly agree with this, you can always be a little on your own and find a Daddy when you feel it's right. You don't need anyone else to be a little <3 The best thing to do is to love and comfort yourself <3

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Guest CollateralBeauty

So I just watched a video that may help to see it all in a lighter sense.

 

Three years is a long time to spend with someone, but if he wasn't the right person this has saved you from spending even more time with the wrong person. So it's not that the three years were wasted. You got a lot of experiences out of the relationship, but now you are free to start another one.

 

He was understandably busy with school and trying to make friends in the area (which I totally supported and gave him ideas on what activities he could do). However, he met one girl, we will call her Jane, who came across as extremely toxic. She only talked bad about exes and began demanding his time a bit. These were immediate red flags to me and I brought it to his attention.  He said she was the only friend he has at the moment and once he made other friends he would keep her at a distance. This seemed logically to me, so I only periodically asked for updates about her. I've had to deal with my fair share of toxic friends so my protective radar was going off.

 

Okay, I get that he wanted to make friends and I do think that men and women can be friends. However, you didn't feel like there was something right going on with this girl. He was in a relationship, and it honestly sounds like this girl did not care about that. I'm personally a firm believer that if you're in a relationship with someone, that person is the number one person in your life. You should have been the number one girl in his life. If other women wanted to be his friend, they should have respected that fact and he should have made that very clear.

 

He came to visit for a weekend and my mental alarm system was going off. I decided to go through his text messages. with Jane. Him and I had a pretty open policy about this due to  trust breaking in the past (on his part) so I was sitting in his lap while doing so. After barely any scrolling he took his phone away. Which would not have been an issue if it was not for my previous red flag. Another day while he was busy I (wrongly) decided to go through his phone again. I found a lot of bad stuff. They facetimed a lot, and only talked about sex and BDSM interests. They mentioned being sexually frustrated and even had a conversation about if they could handle having a friend with benefits. He apparently even lied to me about hanging out with her one on one. He broke so many boundaries and trust that I broke up with him on the spot. he somehow had a way to explain everything and make It all seem okay, that I took him back the same night.

 

From what you said right there ^, he sounds very manipulative. Just gonna leave it at that. And about that sexually frustrated part. It honestly sounds like he's more into lust than love.

 

With this he agreed to having 2 date nights a week and one day of the weekend. (all FaceTime). This was flexible if more important plans came up. This became really important to me since I was finally able to talk to him, both big/little/kitten/sub. He even removed Jane from all social media. He also made other friends in his class both boy and girl. It finally felt like things were going well.  

Until he met a new friend, we will call him John, who was into cars as much as  DD and he started his new job.

He started making less and less time for me. To where we had no date nights but he would go to car meets for hours. I was initially supportive of him finding people with the same interest. It became an issue when he stopped trying to make time for me. 3 dates became 0 for weeks. Whenever he got home from work and id try to talk to him about it he became "too tired to handle this" and would go to sleep. This was happening for weeks. He would promise a phone call or story and never follow through. 

 

Whenever  he met  a new  co-worker  I would ask my same questions. Like what are they like? are they nice? etc. When he met 2 new girl coworkers, he got defensive.

 

He had no right to get defensive. He had given you reason to be distrusting of female friends. That would have been a big red flag for me.

 

Sunday night, I was worried about us. For weeks I had been crying every. night, just wanting my Daddy to make time for us.  I texted him asking if we were going to be okay. And he pinky promised that once his summer started the scheduling would get better. The next morning he broke up with me, it all happened over text while he was at work. He didn't even try to step away to call. And just like that 3 years were over in less than an hour. He said he loves me very very much but there is nowhere for me to fit and he can't handle the distance.  I was devastated. That same day he added Jane back on social.

 

All in all, I think he has a lot of growing up to do. And he is not ready for a committed relationship. Also, breaking up over text? How childish. That's something I could see a teenager doing. But for a grown man to do that? >:)

 

The big side of me is handling it better since I was close to being done as well. Due to his lack of effort, and all the trust he has broken throughout our three years.

However, Little/sub/kitten Me is handling it WAAY worse. feeling like her Daddy abandoned her even though he didn't make time for her and wouldnt help her stay little.  it hurts to think about trying to be little again or with someone else.  It's also impossible  to imagine meeting another DD in my life and letting someone touch me again. :(

 

From what you've said, you've done nothing wrong. I understand that you feel like your DD abandoned you, but you deserve a better DD. Someone that will make time in his day to talk to you, no matter how busy it may get. This may not be a popular opinion, but just live through the emotions. Yes, they can sometimes hurt. But you'll be happy again, with or without a DD.

 

Im so lost and scared and could use all the advice I can get!

Thank you,

JellyBean  :heart:

 

This was just my thought process while reading your post. Ultimately, you know what will be best for you. Feel free to message me any time if you ever need someone to chat with.

 

Also, I saw where you said that it would be hard to be little without him. I know it might be hard, but I think it would be good to learn how to be little on your own. Learn how to make yourself happy.

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So I just watched a video that may help to see it all in a lighter sense.

 

Three years is a long time to spend with someone, but if he wasn't the right person this has saved you from spending even more time with the wrong person. So it's not that the three years were wasted. You got a lot of experiences out of the relationship, but now you are free to start another one.

 

 

This was just my thought process while reading your post. Ultimately, you know what will be best for you. Feel free to message me any time if you ever need someone to chat with.

 

Also, I saw where you said that it would be hard to be little without him. I know it might be hard, but I think it would be good to learn how to be little on your own. Learn how to make yourself happy.

 

 

Thank you so much for this! it definitely helped give me some new perspectives on the whole situation. I for sure need to learn how to be little alone. We didn't do too many little activities together, and whenever I am little I just wanted him. Fingers crossed I find some things!  *glitter*

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