Am I polyamorous? Little in question.

[Little.Pet.Kate]

So I have been beginning to think that I may be polyamorous.. although I am not sure. I am very possessive, clingy, jealous, etc. I've always thought I was monogamous and that I couldn't stand the thought of knowing someone else had access to my daddy. But sometimes that thought slips. 

 

I've been having thoughts like "What if I had two Daddies?" or "What if I had a little and a daddy??" 

 

Things like that would slip my mind and I would enjoy that so much, just like I would enjoy the thought of a threesome, but I'm not so sure about a threesome relationship. I dunno I feel like it's something I would have to try.. 

 

Here's the problem, my poly daddy refuses to let me try it.. he thinks its because I feel guilty about being mono and him poly..

 

Also.. I'm in love with two different people and it's tearing me apart. There's this one girl.. and she likes me a lot and I've honestly always liked her.. loved her even.. But I had given up on waiting for her and found someone else.. but those feelings never left. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my daddy.. but I love her as well.. the same way I love him.. And I wanna be with both of them but... I dunno how I'd handle that..

 

Am I poly..?

Edited May 8, 2019 by Little.Pet.Kate

[Guest Doe-]

I think this would be something to discuss further with your daddy, maybe even mention there’s a girl that you’d possibly be interested in dating.

 

At the end of the day, we can’t tell you if you’re poly or not. We also can’t choose for you. I wish you the best of luck.

 

I recently just discussed the possibility of another little in mine and daddy’s relationship sometime in the future. In the past I viewed myself as mono and jealous of any girl that daddy might also see. But we’ve talked and talked and talked. I’ve come to find that for me, jealousy is less of an issue about other people but more of a self esteem issue that I need to work on. Good luck!

[Little.Pet.Kate]

I think this would be something to discuss further with your daddy, maybe even mention there’s a girl that you’d possibly be interested in dating.

 

At the end of the day, we can’t tell you if you’re poly or not. We also can’t choose for you. I wish you the best of luck.

 

I recently just discussed the possibility of another little in mine and daddy’s relationship sometime in the future. In the past I viewed myself as mono and jealous of any girl that daddy might also see. But we’ve talked and talked and talked. I’ve come to find that for me, jealousy is less of an issue about other people but more of a self esteem issue that I need to work on. Good luck!

 

I cant talk about it with him.. he thinks im doing it just for his happiness. 

[Little kaiya]

If you cant even talk about the idea of being polyamorous it really doesn't bode well for putting it into practice. Any relationship requires communication to be successful and a polyamorous one isnt any different, in fact in my humble opinion it requires more communication as there are more people.

 

As for your Daddy "refusing" to let you try it, well you are an adult so he only is able to "refuse" to the extent that you let him. He should respect your feelings not just dismiss them out of hand and assume he knows what you're feeling, your motivations and desires.

 

Polyamorous relationships CAN, not to say they always do, get complicated when two people go into one being on the same page. Trying to enter into one when you and your partner aren't on the same page sounds dubious at best. Furthermore, it sounds like you havent even come to grips with your own feelings on the subject. Being in love with someone is not the same as being in a loving relationship. One is an idea but putting into practice is rarely as simple as the idea of it.

 

Lastly, please keep in mind when trying polyamory you aren't just playing around with your own emotions, it also has an effect on the other person(s) you arecaddimg to your relationship. Please be fair to the other person and be upfront and honest that you are testing the waters. It isn't fair for them to enter into a relationship thinking it's serious when you're testing out the dynamic to see whether you enjoy it or not.

 

Like was already said, we can't tell you what your feelings are, that's up to you to discover and once you do I highly, highly, recommend having some serious adult conversations with your partner. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

 

Little kaiya

Edited May 8, 2019 by Little kaiya

[Guest Aetherr]

love is a very complet thing but the best way to answer the question may be the answer you have given, you are possessive and jealous and feelings like that dont often go away overnight but another thing to consider is how would you feel if you had a daddy and a little and those two had people outside of you, now i know it doesent have to be like that for it to be poly but for you to be settled in a lifestyle like that generally claiming a person is not a good idea

 

i am monogamous and i have thoughts similar to yours but i couldnt be happy with a poly relationship unless i was at the center of it and i dont feel comfortable asking that of other people on top of juggling the needs and desires of those people since i wouldnt be comfortable with them having relationships outside of me

 

little bit to think about from me, someone who is monogamous and happy with it.

[Littlest_Bee]

So - as others have pointed out you probably have a lot of thinking left to do. Have you read any books on polyamory so far? Maybe listened to people talk about how their poly-relationships work?

 

I've always had warm fuzzy feelings about the concept of polyamory but I feel like I've just dipped a toe in in terms of educating myself in that regard. I've been recommended checking this site out:

https://www.morethantwo.com as well as the book with the same title.

 

Now, communication with your partner is definitely crucial. Even within a poly-relationship you could potentially cheat on a partner if you break their trust and break the rules everyone agreed on. Right now your daddy and you have certain rules you agreed on.

I don't think you necessarily have to talk with your partner about every step of your thinking process and a lot of his reaction probably depends on how you bring up this topic and how sure you are about your own wants and needs but at some point you will have to address the conclusion you came to as well as that he basically gave you the impression right now that he thinks he knows your mind better than you do yourself. Which wouldn't be a healthy mindset to have in the long run. He might know you well but I'm pretty sure he isn't a mind reader.

 

That being said, it sounds like he's trying to protect you from harming yourself by suppressing your real wants and needs so, to convince him that you aren't, you need to be sure about those wants and needs first.

 

Give yourself some time to figure it out before you bring it up again. If he brings it up first, tell him about the information you've been looking at and how it resonates with you (you should probably include if you had a different impression first and then things kind of readjusted and your reaction changed). That might help him realise that you are really working on understanding your own feelings and not "just trying to make him happy".

 

Good luck with everything and I wish you all the best.

[Guest BabyPeach]

Are you sure your Daddy doesn't just want to have his cake and eat it too? Meaning.........it's okay for HIM to have multiple relationships but you have to stay faithful only to him. That's a nope for me. Either a RELATIONSHIP is poly or it's mono. That's the way I look at it. If he can do it, you should be able to do it too. It's a red flag that he wants you to be mono but he can be poly.

[Little.Pet.Kate]

Are you sure your Daddy doesn't just want to have his cake and eat it too? Meaning.........it's okay for HIM to have multiple relationships but you have to stay faithful only to him. That's a nope for me. Either a RELATIONSHIP is poly or it's mono. That's the way I look at it. If he can do it, you should be able to do it too. It's a red flag that he wants you to be mono but he can be poly.

 

That was one of my concerns but he very much pointed out that this is NOT the case.. 

[Guest QueenJellybean]

so, this is when polyamory makes things tough.

as i've mentioned before in other polya posts -- polyamory is a choice. it's a lifestyle, not a gender identity. 
as everyone mentioned before -- this is a pretty major lifestyle change, and effects way more than just you + your partner (which might be your Daddy's trepidation.) 

 

the only way it's going to be resolved is by doing more independent research, and talking to your partner. 
you said he refuses to talk to you about it, well then, you've got a tough choice to make.

if you truly + firmly believe you may want to be in multiple, consenting relationships,

you may have to make the decision to leave him if he's refusing to let you express yourself. (i phrase it this way since he is polyamorous and not monogamous -- so he's not /allowing/ her to be polyamorous too.)
alternatively, you can also choose to not explore polyamory fully since you are already in a happy, monogamous relationship.

being in a monogamous relationship doesn't have to negate your interest in polyamory -- it's just a difference of acting on it or not. 

 

+ as a final bit of 2 cents...

even if he is concerned that you are doing this solely for his happiness, i think it's a pretty major red flag that he's refusing to discuss it with you.

he should be able to listen to your feelings and concerns without immediately dismissing them because of his own fears.

the only way any healthy relationship remains healthy is by open communication. 

[Little kaiya]

 

 

so, this is when polyamory makes things tough.

as i've mentioned before in other polya posts -- polyamory is a choice. it's a lifestyle, not a gender identity.

as everyone mentioned before -- this is a pretty major lifestyle change, and effects way more than just you + your partner (which might be your Daddy's trepidation.)

the only way it's going to be resolved is by doing more independent research, and talking to your partner.

you said he refuses to talk to you about it, well then, you've got a tough choice to make.

if you truly + firmly believe you may want to be in multiple, consenting relationships,

you may have to make the decision to leave him if he's refusing to let you express yourself. (i phrase it this way since he is polyamorous and not monogamous -- so he's not /allowing/ her to be polyamorous too.)

alternatively, you can also choose to not explore polyamory fully since you are already in a happy, monogamous relationship.

being in a monogamous relationship doesn't have to negate your interest in polyamory -- it's just a difference of acting on it or not.

+ as a final bit of 2 cents...

even if he is concerned that you are doing this solely for his happiness, i think it's a pretty major red flag that he's refusing to discuss it with you.

he should be able to listen to your feelings and concerns without immediately dismissing them because of his own fears.

the only way any healthy relationship remains healthy is by open communication.

Queenjellybean,

 

I always look forward to hearing your response when the topic of polyamory comes up. You always come forward with well reasoned and thought out posts that raise important points for people to consider.

 

I especially love that you are always such a strong advocate of communication and make the distinction between polyamory and threesomes as they are completely separate things. I think there is a perception that polyamory is just about sex versus being about the openness, willingness and decision to bring all the positives and negatives of being in a relationship with more than one person into one's life.

 

So, thank you for your perspective, openness and continued participation in a what I personally feel is a misunderstood topic but also one that is very near and dear to my heart.

 

Little kaiya

[Guest QueenJellybean]

Queenjellybean,

 

I always look forward to hearing your response when the topic of polyamory comes up. You always come forward with well reasoned and thought out posts that raise important points for people to consider.

 

I especially love that you are always such a strong advocate of communication and make the distinction between polyamory and threesomes as they are completely separate things. I think there is a perception that polyamory is just about sex versus being about the openness, willingness and decision to bring all the positives and negatives of being in a relationship with more than one person into one's life.

 

So, thank you for your perspective, openness and continued participation in a what I personally feel is a misunderstood topic but also one that is very near and dear to my heart.

 

Little kaiya

 

this made my heart so happy to read. thank you!

[Little.Pet.Kate]

 

so, this is when polyamory makes things tough.

as i've mentioned before in other polya posts -- polyamory is a choice. it's a lifestyle, not a gender identity. 

as everyone mentioned before -- this is a pretty major lifestyle change, and effects way more than just you + your partner (which might be your Daddy's trepidation.) 

 

the only way it's going to be resolved is by doing more independent research, and talking to your partner. 

you said he refuses to talk to you about it, well then, you've got a tough choice to make.

if you truly + firmly believe you may want to be in multiple, consenting relationships,

you may have to make the decision to leave him if he's refusing to let you express yourself. (i phrase it this way since he is polyamorous and not monogamous -- so he's not /allowing/ her to be polyamorous too.)

alternatively, you can also choose to not explore polyamory fully since you are already in a happy, monogamous relationship.

being in a monogamous relationship doesn't have to negate your interest in polyamory -- it's just a difference of acting on it or not. 

 

+ as a final bit of 2 cents...

even if he is concerned that you are doing this solely for his happiness, i think it's a pretty major red flag that he's refusing to discuss it with you.

he should be able to listen to your feelings and concerns without immediately dismissing them because of his own fears.

the only way any healthy relationship remains healthy is by open communication. 

 

 

It's not that he's not letting me be poly.. it's just that he doesn't know that I'm doing it for me. He just thinks that I'm putting myself through pain and suffering for him to be happy. Right now we are strictly monogamous.. he is mono rn and I am rn as well.. he's not having other relationships and neither am I. 

[Guest QueenJellybean]

It's not that he's not letting me be poly.. it's just that he doesn't know that I'm doing it for me. He just thinks that I'm putting myself through pain and suffering for him to be happy. Right now we are strictly monogamous.. he is mono rn and I am rn as well.. he's not having other relationships and neither am I. 

 

 

if that's the case, this sounds like something that doesn't need immediate action and does need open, honest, and direct communication. 

i stand by my previous statement that he needs to be open to you talking about it with him, and also be open to the idea that you would like to explore polyamory for your own reasons. 

if he's not able to do that, but neither of you want to actively be polyamorous, 

then it sounds like a moot point in my opinion.

 

i hope whatever you decide works out for you both!

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

That was one of my concerns but he very much pointed out that this is NOT the case..

Maybe he's lying

Edited May 8, 2019 by Daddy-Tom

[Little.Pet.Kate]

Maybe he's lying

 

and maybe thats where trust comes in. 

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

and maybe thats where trust comes in.

Aye. I know it was harsh to say that, but look at it this way. Your partner believes you are not being honest when you tell him you want to possibly explore polyamory, so where is the trust there? You could try saying you want to try being with another man, and if he's not cool with that then he's probably not cool with you being polyamorous in general. Men can be territorial toward other males and not necessarily other females. Unless he's bi, in which case this tactic might not work

[Little.Pet.Kate]

Aye. I know it was harsh to say that, but look at it this way. Your partner believes you are not being honest when you tell him you want to possibly explore polyamory, so where is the trust there? You could try saying you want to try being with another man, and if he's not cool with that then he's probably not cool with you being polyamorous in general. Men can be territorial toward other males and not necessarily other females. Unless he's bi, in which case this tactic might not work

 

He literally just thinks that I'm doing it to make him happy only.. and he wants me happy too.. He doesn't know that I wanna explore it for me. 

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

He literally just thinks that I'm doing it to make him happy only.. and he wants me happy too.. He doesn't know that I wanna explore it for me.

Right so my point was, if he's not bi, then he would get nothing out of you being with another man, therefore he wouldn't be able to argue that you're only doing it for him and not yourself. Does that make sense?

[Little.Pet.Kate]

Right so my point was, if he's not bi, then he would get nothing out of you being with another man, therefore he wouldn't be able to argue that you're only doing it for him and not yourself. Does that make sense?

 

 

but he is bi. so thats irrelevant 

[PrincessAurora]

He most likely thinks your doing it to make him happy because as you said in your previous thread, you were very against him being poly and were a very jealous person.

As we've stated before just research it. look at the different styles of relationships and formations. once you've spent a few months researching show him what you've learned and bring the topic up again then and only then, when you are more informed and when you two have been together longer.

for the one person who is trying to turn this into an argument. it doesn't matter if he's bi or not. you might want to do some research into poly as well if that's going to be your argument. him being bi means nothing at all in a poly, you can be straighter than a board and still be poly and allow your partner to have relationships with other people the same sex as you.

[Littlest_Bee]

Right so my point was, if he's not bi, then he would get nothing out of you being with another man, therefore he wouldn't be able to argue that you're only doing it for him and not yourself. Does that make sense?

Okay, so I hope I'm not overstepping when I say this but I'm pretty sure there's a kink where some people get off on their partner getting it on with other people and that it's a thing that has nothing to do with someone's sexuality. So, I have a lot of difficulty to follow your train of thought there because people are just very different from each other sometimes and you seem to not recognise that at some points of your argumentation.

 

I mean, maybe you're projecting a bit too much here?

 

The thing is - you probably do not know either the OP or her daddy.

Of course we all filter information through our own experiences. So, I'm sorry your experiences have lead you to jump to these conclusions. I'm sure you are trying your best to give good, solid advice. I'm just a bit baffled by the nature of that advice.

(To be fair not the first and probably not the last time I feel that way.)

 

((Edit: this post was edited because I wanted to remove it but then it already got replied to so I put my copy of the original post I did back in))

Edited May 9, 2019 by Littlest_Bee

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

I'm suggesting the dude is jealous. Imo, if OP keeps insisting she wants to be with other people and her partner keeps refusing, he does not want her to be poly and it's about him, not her. He should trust that she's telling him the truth if she repeatedly states something and her reasoning.

[Littlest_Bee]

You kind of seem to overlook that he has a background where he was poly and he agreed on a monogamous relationship with her because of her jealousy and now he thinks that her wanting to open the relationship might be motivated by her wanting to please him

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

I apologize profusely if I have offended. Maybe I am projecting, but I promise I'm trying to help. I tend to automatically take the side of the OP and don't really give their partner the benefit of the doubt because I instinctively side with the person asking for help. OP, it could very well be as you believe, that your partner truly believes that you're only wanting to try being polyamorous because he is. But if you keep telling him it's something you want to try and he tries to forbid it... it's not the best sign, you know? Again I'm sorry for any upset I've caused.

[Little.Pet.Kate]

I apologize profusely if I have offended. Maybe I am projecting, but I promise I'm trying to help. I tend to automatically take the side of the OP and don't really give their partner the benefit of the doubt because I instinctively side with the person asking for help. OP, it could very well be as you believe, that your partner truly believes that you're only wanting to try being polyamorous because he is. But if you keep telling him it's something you want to try and he tries to forbid it... it's not the best sign, you know? Again I'm sorry for any upset I've caused.

 

 

Its alright. Just made me real upset cause you ignored the fact that I never told him why I wanted to try poly and you assumed him to be a bad person right off the bat.