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New daddy to ddlg


cjrab1988
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My fiance and mother of my 7 year old son wants to be a little. Which I am rapping my head around but she wants to completely avoid all responsibility as my significant other and mother to my son. Is this normal?
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It's not healthy to want to completely avoid all her normal responsibilities. Even littles are adults and must take care of their adult responsibilities, especially when they have a child to take care of. Most littles with children will either work it into their time playing with the child or do it at night when the child is asleep or arrange an occasional day for being little when the child is with other relatives or at summer camp or whatever.

 

You haven't given much detail, and you may not know yourself what she's thinking, but you should have a serious adult conversation with her (don't let her be little during it) and find out exactly what she wants. If she thinks being a little means all the responsibilities of the world are off her back and you'll do literally everything, tell her that sounds very one sided. A caregiver/little relationship is still an adult/adult relationship. Many littles have jobs (sometimes a "little-friendly" job like a daycare worker and sometimes another type of job). Some stay at home but take care of the household, cook, clean, etc. Maybe some are disabled and need a lot of care from their partner but they can still contribute something to the relationship. Refusing to contribute anything (especially with a child) and expecting you to let her play around all day every day is not right.

 

Now, maybe she's feeling overwhelmed by her responsibilities and wants a break. I don't know. You'll have to get to the bottom of this and find out why she feels this way. And it is ok for her to want to be a little, I'm not saying it's not, but it needs to be during her free time or your relationship time, not all the time, unless she can feel little while still taking care of responsibilities.

 

I hope I explained this well enough. :unsure:

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Our son was born premature and has autism. We have had alot of stress to deal with and she has said either let her be little 24 7 or leave and she will find someone who will let her. Either way me and my son will lose time with her as an adult.
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I read your initial post and was going to remain silent but after what you just posted I really can't.

 

Littles are still adults and need to take care of their responsibilities. DD lg is, as stated by Little Teacup, an adult/adult relationship. Wanting to be a little 24/7, in my view, is not realistic and worse demonstrates a serious lack of respect and care for one's partner.

 

The fact she is expecting you to shoulder all the responsibilities and then her giving ultimatums on top of that makes my blood boil to be honest. Now, I have to be fair, as we've only heard one side of the story, but if things are as you've indicated she needs to seriously grow up.

 

There is nothing wrong with being a little and having littlespace, I'm 41 and an HR professional and do it while balancing time with my wife and Daddy, paying our bills and socializing with friends.

 

I highly recommend sitting her down and having a very serious conversation as she sounds very selfish to be honest.

 

Lastly, the odds of her finding someone that will let her be a little 24/7 are VERY low as they, should be. Once again, DDlg is still an adult/adult relationship that should be based on love, mutual respect, communication and give and take. It sounds like she's maybe forgotten that and needs a reality check.

 

Until you both have an adult conversation I would not be indulging her little side as it may encourage her to think you are ok with her demands and unreal ultimatum.

 

Little kaiya

Edited by Little kaiya
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Guest TokidokiHelloKitty

nothing is wrong with her wanting to be a little.

 

however, if she wants to avoid all responsibility, it sounds like maybe she wants to permanently age regress to avoid it (I'm not saying it's true, it just seems like it from the post)

 

and that is a totally different thing.

 

Being little is okay. Being little (at times) to release the stress of the adult world is okay. But using it as a permanent out isn't normal usually.

 

Honestly, since you said she wants to be little 24/7 she doesn't sound "little" so much as "transage". I'm not going to state whether being transage is either valid or invalid or existant or nonexistant b/c that is none of my business, and honestly has nothing to do with the subject at hand. Anyone can be who they want to be as long as no one is being harmed. But she seems more (based on what you have said) to be fitting into the definition of transage rather than a little. Because, as the prior person mentioned, littles still have "big" responsibilities they tend to.

 

Honestly, I hope I'm not stepping on any toes with this, but it seems like this could end up having a negative effect on both you and your child in the long run.

 

Now if she were to be in little space sometimes, that could be possibly worked around and could come out just fine. But, if she wants to be little literally 24/7 I don't see how she could help raise her own child like that sadly.

Edited by TokidokiHelloKitty
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Guest TokidokiHelloKitty

I read your initial post and was going to remain silent but after what you just posted I really can't.

 

Littles are still adults and need to take care of their responsibilities. DD lg is, as stated by Little Teacup, an adult/adult relationship. Wanting to be a little 24/7, in my view, is not realistic and worse demonstrates a serious lack of respect and care for one's partner.

 

The fact she is expecting you to shoulder all the responsibilities and then her giving ultimatums on top of that makes my blood boil to be honest. Now, I have to be fair, as we've only heard one side of the story, but if things are as you've indicated she needs to seriously grow up.

 

There is nothing wrong with being a little and having littlespace, I'm 41 and an HR professional and do it while balancing time with my wife and Daddy, paying our bills and socializing with friends.

 

I highly recommend sitting her down and having a very serious conversation as she sounds very selfish to be honest.

 

Lastly, the odds of her finding someone that will let her be a little 24/7 are VERY low as they, should be. Once again, DDlg is still an adult/adult relationship that should be based on love, mutual respect, communication and give and take. It sounds like she's maybe forgotten that and needs a reality check.

 

Until you both have an adult conversation I would not be indulging her little side as it may encourage her to think you are ok with her demands and unreal ultimatum.

 

Little kaiya

 

Good comment :)

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Guest LittleSnowiii

My fiance and mother of my 7 year old son wants to be a little. Which I am rapping my head around but she wants to completely avoid all responsibility as my significant other and mother to my son. Is this normal?

No. Being a little does NOT mean ignoring responsabilities. There is a time and place littles go into little space , and the rest is "grown up time" when we act our actual age. 

No excuse for her to ignore your or your son's needs. Don't let this be a bad excuse for that behaviour.

Wish you the best of luck

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We have had numerous arguments over the years about her neglecting her responsibilities as a stay at home mom. She does have anxiety which she always said was why she didn't do anything. I have read alot of information about ddlg and how it can help anxiety which is why I'm more than willing to try this but I cant do it 24 7.
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I totally understand about not being willing to do it 24/7. Almost nobody is.

 

It also sounds like she and you are under a tremendous amount of stress regarding your son. Did she have him when she was young? Was the child planned or a surprise? She may not have been mentally ready to have a child and then him being premature and with autism is bringing on extra stress and she's breaking under the pressure. It can be extremely difficult to raise a child who needs extra care. He is 7, but is he well enough to go to school or is he still at home needing attention all day? Of course it's unrealistic of her to expect 24/7 care, but if she's having a breakdown and can't handle her responsibilities, I understand her desires.

 

Perhaps it's possible to leave the child with relatives for a few days? I have no idea about your financial situation but if you can afford an assistant to help care for your son I would consider that possibility. And if you haven't tried, please see about visiting a therapist to help address your fiancee's anxiety. It sounds severe and it's interfering in her life. Caring for an autistic child can be a huge drain, especially if his case is severe, and it can get worse as he ages and gets bigger. I wish I could help more, but this is the advice I have right now.

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Ddlg can be used as a therapeutic tool for a variety of reasons, it can be something people use as a roleplay, it can also be used for fun or to reinforce power exchanges and I'm sure for many other reasons I didnt list.

 

That said it can also be used in negative ways to control someone against their will, escape situations in an unhealthy way or to make a partner feel bad.

 

I don't know your wife's situation so I'm going to refrain from commenting on her anxiety issues as, even with a mental health training background, I just dont have enough information to offer an opinion.

 

What I will comment on is you seem willing to try, which is great, but it doesn't sound like your wife is making an effort to meet you part way. Relationships that don't have give and take often breed resentment, anger and other potentially harmful emotions. If she is demanding 24/7 then where do you receive emotional and physical support? Where do you have an outlet for the stress that can create? When do you get time to maintain your health?

 

Wanting to support our partners is great BUT it's a two way street. 24/7 is unrealistic and, perhaps only in my opinion, selfish in the extreme. If she didn't tell you that was her goal before marriage and having a child it comes across not as accidental but a deliberate and malicious deception.

 

Only you and your wife can decide where you go from her but ensuring your child has a mother, not an adult sibling, and looking after your own health isn't just healthy it's downright critical in my eyes.

 

Little kaiya

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