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Poly, specifically triad dynamic


Llombsty
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So first off kinda my question, how many people think that in a triad, an individuals worth is diminished or maybe feel that it would be an unfair relationship.

To clarify perhaps some, the reason I ask this is my little and I have been seeking a third and someone commented that they are more than enough for a relationship by themselves and basically don't want to be a third wheel.

I respect that they want a 1x1 relationship. I was in a 1x1 relationship for well over a decade. I'm not knocking it. I'm in one now, we are open to a third but plan for it to be a completely committed triad with fully equal partners. I currently have a male best friend, my little is my best friend and neither friendship is diminished.

I guess I just felt a bit judged by the comment, or perhaps my little was being judged as the person, in a round about way said they were more than enough, therefore we were less than enough to want a triad. I'm not really hurt by it but it just makes me wonder what the community perception is.

I feel that we are in a super strong relationship and have more than enough time, love, energy ECT and that it would be awesome to share our lives with another person. Yes it can be more complicated, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. I feel if everyone is mindful of the others it has great potential. A good long term 1x1 requires both parties to put effort into the relationship, it's nice to think the perfect fairy tale relationship goes along with no work but it's just not true, love is a verb. I've found that if I work for a good relationship I am in a good relationship as long as they are working on it too. If one or more coasts it becomes bad.

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Guest QueenJellybean

hi! so, there’s a lot going on here. i think what people are responding to here is the idea of “unicorn hunting”, which is essentially the concept of a couple seeking a bisexual female (generally speaking) to join their pre-existing relationship. while some people are into this dynamic, it can be really dehumanizing and is often (sadly) used to save a crumbling relationship or as an experimental thing.

 

if you are looking for a third member to create a closed triad, it’s going to take a lot of time, communication, and trust. it needs to happen organically — a mutual decision. most polya folks who are willing to join triads, in my experience, are also seeing other people or at least still want the option. it’s less limiting that way. be open with your potential partners, and communicate honestly about your desires.

 

speaking for myself personally, i’ve been in triads before but they have /all/ developed organically. such as - i was dating both people separately, and then they fell for each other. if you are dating as a couple, be prepared to meet a lot of people who don’t want to be your relationship experiment, tag a long, or marriage fixer. this is a sad stereotype, but just like in monogamy, we do have preconceived notions.

 

equal does not exist on relationships, even monogamous ones. partners will have different needs and desires. it’s about filling each partner’s needs rather than making it “equal”, in my opinion. for instance, the giant has three partners. we all need varying levels of attention and reassurance. i will never have an “equal” amount to Daisy, who might need more than me, but i wouldn’t want an equal amount. i need what i need.

 

tldr; triads are possible, and there are people out there looking to join them. just remember that everyone is a human being with feelings and opinions, communicate openly with EVERYONE involved, be clear about expectations, and remember that people have different needs and ways to get those needs met.

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Polyamory can be a very controversial subject with people being very divided in their opinions.

 

My Wife, Daddy and I are in a committed, closed triad and have been for the past 17 months. In no way have any of the three of us ever felt diminished, less than enough or that things are unfair.

 

We all feel stronger as individuals and in our relationship. We feel stronger as people and our love has grown from where it started as we've opened up and been vulnerable with each other and bonded.

 

We are not in a triad because my Wife and I felt something was missing in our marriage. We aren't in a triad because I'm genderfluid so "need" a female and Male partner. In fact we never ever intended to be in a triad, it wasn't something we went out seeking. My Daddy and I met at a conference and experienced a strong attraction. After all three of us talked, there were tears and fears, we entered into our current triad, not as an experiment but as three strongly committed people, and couldn't be happier with how it has turned out. That's not to say it hasn't had a few rough patches, any relationship does, but we worked through them because we want and do shares our lives together.

 

We celebrate holidays together, travel and vacation together, support one another through tough times like my father's death and good times like my Wife's promotion and Daddy's art show. Most importantly though we choose to celebrate daily life together because we fully embrace and love one another including all our strengths, faults and quirks.

 

There are going to be people who see a triad as a diminishing experience and all I can say is that polyamory isn't for them. No harm, no foul. If they want to judge something they clearly don't understand well, that's their choice but don't expect us to doubt ourselves. Dont let them or anyone shake your belief in what is best for you and your partner.

 

Little kaiya

Edited by Little kaiya
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Honestly? I wouldn't worry about what other people think. As long as you're in a healthy and consenting relationship, rather it be with 2 people or 10 people, it doesn't matter as long as you and the other parties are happy.

 

Am I into poly relationships? No.

Is it my business if you are? No.

 

If people are gonna judge you for it then they aren't worth the time.

You do you boo.

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Thanks for your replies. I understand what you're saying about equal not being the ideal but needs met being the ideal. That was pretty much the spirit of shortening it down to "equal". And yeah I get the idea of people trying to patch a broken relationship. And I work on not giving a f if others judge. I imagine there are few humans that haven't or still don't worry from time to time what other's think. That behavior is evident even in the animal kingdom, heck my dog just exhibited it the other day when I caught him eating a cell phone :-)
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