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[Resolved] I'm having a serious problem.


fausto
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DISCLAIMERS:

I really need help from some people who can hopefully support or help me on this issue. Because my opinions and thoughts on this issue are scattered, this post is also very verbose and scattered. I ask you, please try to read through this and understand if you have the patience. I'd appreciate any help or responses you can give.

 

This story is technically NSFW but this isn't sexual or cute at all.

 

                                                                                                                                                        

 

I'm having a serious problem.

 

I'm losing trust in my little and I can't stop it. I know my feelings are irrational but I can't help myself.

 

Basically, I found out that she had a sexual encounter with somebody I know as well as an online daddy both at the same time as she was seeing me. We weren't officially dating, but we would spend all day together and we did all the intimacies of dating at this time, all that was missing was the labels of bf/gf. I'm going to give some dates to give some context. 

 

So we first started just being friends with benefits/romantically together in September, and we kept a romantic relationship through the rest of the year. We finally started officially dating in January, 3-4 months later. She told me this month, May (4 months into our relationship) that she gave somebody a blowjob at a party we were at after I left it... in October. I ended up coming back to that party after that happened. We were together cuddling and snuggling the whole night and as soon as I leave she sucks some other guy off and doesn't tell me for 6 months. Were we officially dating at that time? No. But I wasn't seeing anybody else. She never cuddled with anyone else and romantically we were exclusive. But I guess not sexually. Later, I also learned through some ill-advised curiosity that her previous relationship with an online daddy, which I thought ended even before the incident in October, stretched all the way into December. Meaning she was with me and this online daddy for 3 whole months, overlapping with our relationship IRL.

 

If that's confusing, I'll reiterate. When we were very much romantically together but not officially dating, she gave a guy a blowjob and she also had a relationship with a daddy online for 3 months overlapping. She ended the relationship with him in December, less than a month before we started dating.

 

Now this is fucking tearing me apart. Just the idea of some other guy's cum filling her little mouth, just for me to come back to the party and kiss her and not have a clue. She had to lie to me that night, pretend it didn't happen. That fucking hurts. She also had another daddy which is a whole other thing I'm not a good enough person to forgive/come to terms with. Giving herself to this other dominant, who had control over her and commanded her like I do. He had his own set of rules, his own dominance and sexual shit with her and thinking about that hurts me so much. It makes me feel weak and worthless as a dominant, as a boyfriend and as a human being. 3 months of our relationship being phony and in vain has hurt so much. It feels like all those months were all phony and an illusion.

 

I can't help but feel betrayed. She saw other people and did stuff with other guys without telling me a thing. I feel like this two-timing opens the door to her cheating on me in the future. She's actually going to be seeing this ddlg ex of hers at a convention this summer (obviously not planned but still unfortunate as fuck) and I'm flooded with insecurities that this online relationship is still going, she still loves him and she's gonna go let him fuck her while I can't do a thing about it. I know these thoughts are irrational but I love her so much and I'm so possessive of her that I can't help but feel this way. I don't have anything to make it even, she was my first relationship. I was her 7th or 8th. I feel unimportant and weak. I want to forgive or forget, but I have too many monstrous thoughts to silence them all. 

 

Now before I end this, I want to add that what happened after all of this ended. Starting January we dated, and somewhere between then and now we fell in love with each other. Some of you may be pessimistic and think that's not enough time, but we're both naive enough to be confident enough to believe it. While before in 2018 we almost never went on outings and hung out at each other's houses occasionally, after we started dating it has been amazing. I couldn't be happier with her, and she has told me the same. In terms of DDLG, we have a strong happy DDLG relationship. It's also very important that she VERY STRONGLY regrets both these things ever happening. Sometimes even bringing it up brings tears or visible emotion. She is not friends by any means with the online ex, and she resents her actions. Anyways, this relationship has taken a dip recently as these problems I'm mentioning have arose. I have a feeling this issue is connected to the increasingly frequent squabbles and fights we've been having recently. 

 

What I'm asking from anybody who has read this far is for help. How can I move past her past? How can I not devalue myself compared to her past. How can I forgive her? Should I forgive her? I really really want to forgive her, and I have but not internally. I want to move on and not focus on her promiscuous past. Thank you so much for reading. This whole situation has been so taxing on my work and our relationship. I want to make things better. There's a lot I didn't say so I'll be avidly replying to comments. Feel free to ask about more details if you feel like you need it for a conclusion.

 

Thank you.  :unsure:

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Again, I apologize for this forum's equivalent of a raving street derelict. I hope what I said is substantial enough to understand or interpret.

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Firstly, I would like to say that I did read your story and I deeply empathize with you; if nothing else, I hope I can offer you support and well wishes for you to get through this time. The bandaid has been ripped off the wound before it was done closing and it’s still raw. I hope that myself and other people as well can help you be a makeshift bandaid you can wear until you’re ready to pull it off. Unfortunately though, wounds heal, but the scars remind us. It’s up to you how you look at it from that point forward.

 

Now for the harder part... I find your story much different than some of the other quarrels of relationship issues posted here because there were multiple people involved and this was over the course of several months. Your feelings are NOT irrational and are completely valid. You should be feeling feelings, you are a human, not a machine. If you didn’t feel some sort of hurt and betrayal I would be more concerned because then you would have completely numbed out and dissociated from the entire situation. Instead you are looking for resolve and support which is the best thing you can do for yourself. Also important to note is that feelings are just feelings and do not define you as a whole.

 

I am not one to say whether you should or shouldn’t leave as that is your own business and I know I’ve stayed in relationships under circumstances that would be deal-breakers for others. Myself as well as partners and I’m sure many other people have done things they’ve regret later on because it hurt our significant other or someone we love. Trust is slow to build, but can be destroyed in an instant. You may never fully forgive her actions, I don’t know. You can however, choose to accept them or not; you may just have to tell her, “I acknowledge you regret your actions, but I can’t forgive you for them, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to.” This of course may fire off a whole other set of uncomfortableness, but all relationships can’t be happy highs all the time.

 

It also sounds like you need to lay down some hard truths and boundaries with her. She needs to be understanding of this until you can rebuild some of the trust back. She probably will be defensive and avoidant of the conversation, but like I said there’s going to be some uncomfortable times. You are willing to make this work with her, so she needs to put in the work too. A relationship, especially a ddlg dynamic is not a one-sided thing.

 

How can you feel less devalued as a Dom? I can’t necessarily answer that because your pride has been hurt. Think of it like how mating animals fight and the strongest one mates with the girl. For all you know, the guys she’s been with during your relationship may not have known of your existence OR if they did, they have no true feelings for your little and only care for themselves. You are the one choosing to continue being her Dom despite all that has happened and that in itself is respectable.

 

I hope I’ve provided some kind of consolation here. Good luck to you both.

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Firstly, I would like to say that I did read your story and I deeply empathize with you; if nothing else, I hope I can offer you support and well wishes for you to get through this time. The bandaid has been ripped off the wound before it was done closing and it’s still raw. I hope that myself and other people as well can help you be a makeshift bandaid you can wear until you’re ready to pull it off. Unfortunately though, wounds heal, but the scars remind us. It’s up to you how you look at it from that point forward.

 

Now for the harder part... I find your story much different than some of the other quarrels of relationship issues posted here because there were multiple people involved and this was over the course of several months. Your feelings are NOT irrational and are completely valid. You should be feeling feelings, you are a human, not a machine. If you didn’t feel some sort of hurt and betrayal I would be more concerned because then you would have completely numbed out and dissociated from the entire situation. Instead you are looking for resolve and support which is the best thing you can do for yourself. Also important to note is that feelings are just feelings and do not define you as a whole.

 

I am not one to say whether you should or shouldn’t leave as that is your own business and I know I’ve stayed in relationships under circumstances that would be deal-breakers for others. Myself as well as partners and I’m sure many other people have done things they’ve regret later on because it hurt our significant other or someone we love. Trust is slow to build, but can be destroyed in an instant. You may never fully forgive her actions, I don’t know. You can however, choose to accept them or not; you may just have to tell her, “I acknowledge you regret your actions, but I can’t forgive you for them, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to.” This of course may fire off a whole other set of uncomfortableness, but all relationships can’t be happy highs all the time.

 

It also sounds like you need to lay down some hard truths and boundaries with her. She needs to be understanding of this until you can rebuild some of the trust back. She probably will be defensive and avoidant of the conversation, but like I said there’s going to be some uncomfortable times. You are willing to make this work with her, so she needs to put in the work too. A relationship, especially a ddlg dynamic is not a one-sided thing.

 

How can you feel less devalued as a Dom? I can’t necessarily answer that because your pride has been hurt. Think of it like how mating animals fight and the strongest one mates with the girl. For all you know, the guys she’s been with during your relationship may not have known of your existence OR if they did, they have no true feelings for your little and only care for themselves. You are the one choosing to continue being her Dom despite all that has happened and that in itself is respectable.

 

I hope I’ve provided some kind of consolation here. Good luck to you both.

Thank you very much for your response. What resonated the most with me is about how trust is slow to build. I'll have to rebuild a lot of trust with her.

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Thank you for sharing so much. I know the feelings you are having.  Remember that your feelings matter no matter what they are.

I feel the best thing you can do for yourself and for the relationship is to have a very hard conversation with your little about how her past is affecting your heart. Ask her to listen to your concerns and feelings and take them as your feelings . Then you need to listen to her and her feelings. Right or wrong both yours and her feelings are your feelings and she needs to respect  your concerns and feelings just as you need to respect hers.

If you can about the elephant in the room I believe that you and her can having a loving new beginning.

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Guest Aetherr

im just going to keep this short, you two agreed to be exclusive before she had a online relationship and gave a sexual favor to another guy

 

if so that is cheating, i wont pretend to know what was going on in her head that she didnt tell you but why wouldnt she if she didn have anything to hide?

 

kudos to you for looking for a way to move past it but i sure couldnt.

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Guest SugarSweetBear

It always makes me angry when people break trust or aren't honest, and it can be hard to move on. Wether that person is regretful or not, you're always wondering if there's something going on behind the scenes. 

 

How can I move past her past? - Time, lots of time. You can't rush healing

How can I not devalue myself compared to her past. - Again time, and remember you are amazing and special

How can I forgive her? - Again time

Should I forgive her? - That's up to you. But if you can't forgive her - or at least work towards forgiveness then a relationship won't work out

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Ugh, this one hits me hard. 

 

Time helps, but you don't forget. Even mentions of similar names, or places they live can make you feel hurt for a couple of second. It takes energy to shake it off. 

 

Idk. 

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im just going to keep this short, you two agreed to be exclusive before she had a online relationship and gave a sexual favor to another guy

 

if so that is cheating, i wont pretend to know what was going on in her head that she didnt tell you but why wouldnt she if she didn have anything to hide?

 

kudos to you for looking for a way to move past it but i sure couldnt.

 

 

It always makes me angry when people break trust or aren't honest, and it can be hard to move on. Wether that person is regretful or not, you're always wondering if there's something going on behind the scenes. 

 

How can I move past her past? - Time, lots of time. You can't rush healing

How can I not devalue myself compared to her past. - Again time, and remember you are amazing and special

How can I forgive her? - Again time

Should I forgive her? - That's up to you. But if you can't forgive her - or at least work towards forgiveness then a relationship won't work out

I don't know how she felt at the time, I'll ask her. But I know that she loathes and regrets her past actions and I believe that everybody deserves a second chance. 

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Ugh, this one hits me hard. 

 

Time helps, but you don't forget. Even mentions of similar names, or places they live can make you feel hurt for a couple of second. It takes energy to shake it off. 

 

Idk. 

OMG, he has a common name so every time I hear it I shudder. 

 

I'm usually the one who thinks of it myself, so if I could find a way not to think about it much at all that would help :/

Edited by fausto
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It always makes me angry when people break trust or aren't honest, and it can be hard to move on. Wether that person is regretful or not, you're always wondering if there's something going on behind the scenes. 

 

How can I move past her past? - Time, lots of time. You can't rush healing

How can I not devalue myself compared to her past. - Again time, and remember you are amazing and special

How can I forgive her? - Again time

Should I forgive her? - That's up to you. But if you can't forgive her - or at least work towards forgiveness then a relationship won't work out

thank you for your reply. There's been no time to heal yet so that explains why I'm not feeling much better.

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im just going to keep this short, you two agreed to be exclusive before she had a online relationship and gave a sexual favor to another guy

 

if so that is cheating, i wont pretend to know what was going on in her head that she didnt tell you but why wouldnt she if she didn have anything to hide?

 

kudos to you for looking for a way to move past it but i sure couldnt.

we did not agree to be exclusive, but just because it's allowed doesn't mean you should/it is encouraged. it just wasn't explicitly stated.

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Ooh i know that feeling. It sucks, really :( it can even affect you for your future relationship with anyone new :( May God heal you in the most kindest way!

 

I do agree with kawasaku and alaskan daddy, that you have to have an "uncomfortable" conversation, letting her know how you feel and what do you want from her after this, and for you to listen to her also. And so later both of you can make a compromise.

 

As for how to forgive, it really depends on each individual. Maybe because she hits your tolerance limit that's why you feel it's hard for you to forgive. And it's okay. It's normal. I'm also that kind of type. Maybe unconsciously you demand a sincere apology from her, in order for you to forgive.

 

As for how to move past her past and how not to devalue yourself, umm, my answer would be kind of harsh so pardon me if i hurt you in any way. So um, if after the compromise she still hasn't changed and you still feel the way you are now, it's better to cut off the ties, i guess. Bcs i can see that you love her so much but at the same time you (probably) hate her too, so if you keep seeing her it won't be any help.

 

Well, that's my two cents. Cheers! Hehe

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Guest Daddy-Tom
I don't see why she has to see this ex at a convention, tbh. Looking around on this forum it seems many daddies have rules that their little may not interact with people the Daddy doesn't like, so why not put your foot down? If she will accept it that is. As for the insecurities, I would say they are natural given your inexperience and her actions. So go with your gut for whether you trust her or not. If not then break up with her. Otherwise you'll have a spectre haunting you throughout your relationship and that's unhealthy. Not to mention, you will likely unconsciously do or say things because of that spectre that will further damage the relationship. This is make or break time. That's my opinion anyway, from extensive experience with "oh we weren't dating but this still feels like cheating" situations I've gone through
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I don't see why she has to see this ex at a convention, tbh. Looking around on this forum it seems many daddies have rules that their little may not interact with people the Daddy doesn't like, so why not put your foot down? If she will accept it that is. As for the insecurities, I would say they are natural given your inexperience and her actions. So go with your gut for whether you trust her or not. If not then break up with her. Otherwise you'll have a spectre haunting you throughout your relationship and that's unhealthy. Not to mention, you will likely unconsciously do or say things because of that spectre that will further damage the relationship. This is make or break time. That's my opinion anyway, from extensive experience with "oh we weren't dating but this still feels like cheating" situations I've gone through

she's going to be with an online server community and meet them, and he just so happens to be a member of that community. She is not allowed to speak with him online or IRL. He is on our blacklist.

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Ooh i know that feeling. It sucks, really :( it can even affect you for your future relationship with anyone new :( May God heal you in the most kindest way!

 

I do agree with kawasaku and alaskan daddy, that you have to have an "uncomfortable" conversation, letting her know how you feel and what do you want from her after this, and for you to listen to her also. And so later both of you can make a compromise.

 

As for how to forgive, it really depends on each individual. Maybe because she hits your tolerance limit that's why you feel it's hard for you to forgive. And it's okay. It's normal. I'm also that kind of type. Maybe unconsciously you demand a sincere apology from her, in order for you to forgive.

 

As for how to move past her past and how not to devalue yourself, umm, my answer would be kind of harsh so pardon me if i hurt you in any way. So um, if after the compromise she still hasn't changed and you still feel the way you are now, it's better to cut off the ties, i guess. Bcs i can see that you love her so much but at the same time you (probably) hate her too, so if you keep seeing her it won't be any help.

 

Well, that's my two cents. Cheers! Hehe

 

 

Thank you for sharing so much. I know the feelings you are having.  Remember that your feelings matter no matter what they are.

I feel the best thing you can do for yourself and for the relationship is to have a very hard conversation with your little about how her past is affecting your heart. Ask her to listen to your concerns and feelings and take them as your feelings . Then you need to listen to her and her feelings. Right or wrong both yours and her feelings are your feelings and she needs to respect  your concerns and feelings just as you need to respect hers.

If you can about the elephant in the room I believe that you and her can having a loving new beginning.

 

 

Firstly, I would like to say that I did read your story and I deeply empathize with you; if nothing else, I hope I can offer you support and well wishes for you to get through this time. The bandaid has been ripped off the wound before it was done closing and it’s still raw. I hope that myself and other people as well can help you be a makeshift bandaid you can wear until you’re ready to pull it off. Unfortunately though, wounds heal, but the scars remind us. It’s up to you how you look at it from that point forward.

 

Now for the harder part... I find your story much different than some of the other quarrels of relationship issues posted here because there were multiple people involved and this was over the course of several months. Your feelings are NOT irrational and are completely valid. You should be feeling feelings, you are a human, not a machine. If you didn’t feel some sort of hurt and betrayal I would be more concerned because then you would have completely numbed out and dissociated from the entire situation. Instead you are looking for resolve and support which is the best thing you can do for yourself. Also important to note is that feelings are just feelings and do not define you as a whole.

 

I am not one to say whether you should or shouldn’t leave as that is your own business and I know I’ve stayed in relationships under circumstances that would be deal-breakers for others. Myself as well as partners and I’m sure many other people have done things they’ve regret later on because it hurt our significant other or someone we love. Trust is slow to build, but can be destroyed in an instant. You may never fully forgive her actions, I don’t know. You can however, choose to accept them or not; you may just have to tell her, “I acknowledge you regret your actions, but I can’t forgive you for them, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to.” This of course may fire off a whole other set of uncomfortableness, but all relationships can’t be happy highs all the time.

 

It also sounds like you need to lay down some hard truths and boundaries with her. She needs to be understanding of this until you can rebuild some of the trust back. She probably will be defensive and avoidant of the conversation, but like I said there’s going to be some uncomfortable times. You are willing to make this work with her, so she needs to put in the work too. A relationship, especially a ddlg dynamic is not a one-sided thing.

 

How can you feel less devalued as a Dom? I can’t necessarily answer that because your pride has been hurt. Think of it like how mating animals fight and the strongest one mates with the girl. For all you know, the guys she’s been with during your relationship may not have known of your existence OR if they did, they have no true feelings for your little and only care for themselves. You are the one choosing to continue being her Dom despite all that has happened and that in itself is respectable.

 

I hope I’ve provided some kind of consolation here. Good luck to you both.

IM SORRY FOR ALL THE QUOTE SPAM

 

update for all of you who spoke of a talk with her:

 

I told her that what she did was highly promiscuous and a breach of trust between me and her and she is going to have to rebuild that trust over time for me to completely forgive her. Obviously she cried and cried but she understood and seemed to take it well. Thank you guys.

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Guest Aetherr

Everyone makes mitakes and i wish you and your little the very best in this, remember to talk to her often and honestly if there is anything you need from her its REALLY important that you tell her and do not keep it to yourself!

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Everyone makes mitakes and i wish you and your little the very best in this, remember to talk to her often and honestly if there is anything you need from her its REALLY important that you tell her and do not keep it to yourself!

thanks  :D

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Okay! Storytime!

Once upon a time, I was in my first DDlg relationship with a man who was very wrong for me. He cheated on me with a former little of his and blamed it on me. He continued to see her after I told him I wasn't comfortable with that. He was a very, very bad man who never regretted anything he did to me. It took me years to recover from that relationship. And I still flinch every time I hear his and her names.

This was my story. But it doesn't have to be yours.

 

Your little sounds very repentant about what she did. And you clearly love her dearly. Why else would you try to get past this?

I think the first and most important is to communicate with your little. Ask her why she did the things she did, what was her frame of mind, and what she learned from this. This will help calm some of those irrational thoughts you're having. In addition, relate to her what you're feeling and thinking. That way, you can talk about this. Next step is to establish boundaries and rules. Like others said, trust needs to be rebuilt. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. So it seems to me that you need to rebuild this together. Take it slow. A strong foundation is not rushed.

A way for you to rebuild your confidence as a Dom is to ask your little to make a list about all the things she loves about you as a Dom. While she does this, make your own list of what being a Dom means to you. Then compare the two. It might calm some of those insecurities in that area. You can also ask your little to pay respect to you as a Dom. Please and thank yous. Asking for permission to do things. Even small things. Stuff like that.

 

And above all else, remember that this experience does not lessen your value as a human or as a Dom. You are worthy of love, respect, and being treated the way you wished to be. I wish you guys all the best and I hope that this helps.

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You said, "...which is a whole other thing I'm not a good enough person to forgive/come to terms with."

 

There's your answer.  Are you familiar with the saying, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them."?  Because it's even more true when we tell ourselves who we are.  

 

Here's my guess: Your dominant, logical side is actually going to like my answer and you tuck the quote away so you can use it later.  You just don't like it applied to yourself in this particular case...because you REALLY want to forgive her.  So you say screw it - I'll become that man, which gotta tell you, I like the attitude.  Thirty days in you realize it isn't going to happen - six months later, you decide to admit it...but you already have so much time invested...

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

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Hey. I’m sorry for what happened. A while back I found out my little had a baby sitter without telling me and I was distraught by that fact so I can’t even begin to understand how you feed and I greatly sympathize with you.

 

Honestly the best advise I could give you is trust your gut. You can see her response and her reactions. The way she asks to that event may give u hits and clues about how she really feels towards those affairs but I regardless of if u feel like she learned her lesson or not, it’s up to your discretion. Some people believe in second chances and feel like things may be different from then on and others just can’t accept the fact of living with someone who her th that way. Both sinarios are ok. You have to do what u think is best for you.

 

However, if you still decide to continue the relationship, she has to know what she did and things may be different now. Trust takes a long time to be gained and even then there may be some distrust in your heart. Take things slow and talk to her. Set limits and let her know why those limits are placed. Whatever you decide to do always remember that regardless if you are a sub or dom or no matter how much you love them. You have to do what’s best for you. Sometimes life gives you tough choices and there will be times when you have to choose. Trust your gut and take things slow. If you wanna talk u can message me (I’m new to the forum so it may take a while for me to learn how to navigate this forum but I’m here to help) take care and wish you the best.

 

“Every storm runs out of rain just like every dark night turns into day”

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Guest LittleSnowiii

Everyone is different. Personally that would be a deal breaker to me, no way I could trust someone like that after.

 

You need to have a looooong conversation with her. Put all your feelings and worries on the table, and after that if you FEEL you can move on , there you go. If you feel this will drag on your relationship, you have your answer.

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Guest BabyPeach

I have a different viewpoint than everyone else. You are overreacting. First off, you started as FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. No matter how much time you spent together, that is in NO WAY any sort of commitment to be faithful to anyone. You had only been together as FWB for ONE month when the party incident happened. That's not betrayal. There was NO official commitment. You were friends with benefits. That isn't even dating.

 

It's the same with the online Daddy. No official commitment was there. Until I am officially committed to someone and have had a conversation about being exclusive with them, I don't expect them to be faithful. Now, I say them because I don't date multiple people at once (but that's just me).

 

What you do is up to you. Nobody here can tell you exactly what to do.  Trust is very important in a relationship. Just remember the relationship part is key here and you weren't in one when it happened. Also, she is telling you what happened to be honest with you. Remember, she didn't have to tell you. There are no guarantees in love, but I don't feel she broke your trust as you two were not committed when the incidents happened. As far as the convention, can you go with her? Does she HAVE to go for work? Maybe she can just skip it. Nobody ever died from not attending a convention.

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Just so I'm clear, you were FWBs from September through December and in January you started dating.  That's what I understand reading your post.  If that's the case, did you have a discussion with her when you were FWBs about exclusivity?  If not, then the issue here is communication on both your parts.  It seems to me that you both made assumptions about what your relationship. 

 

As with any relationship communication is key and probably more so for those of us involved in this lifestyle.  I would suggest that you really look at your behavior and expectations during the period between September and January.  It's been my experience that when these types of things happen there is generally fault to be found in both parties.  If you didn't verbalize and talk about what your expectations were during the FWB period, you both probably had different expectations of what that means and those expectations weren't shared or understood by the other party.

 

If you do a thorough examination of what part you may have played in this misunderstanding, because to my mind that's what this is a misunderstanding, then I'm sure you can find a way to get past this.  If not, then make sure you set ground rules in the future with anyone you get involved with.  Don't assume anything.

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Guest ~*~Sachita~*~
I have a question before I can answer yours. You say that you "found out" about these two men. Did she tell you or did you discover it some other way?
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