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I don't know what to do anymore


matchatealatte
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I've been in this relationship with my boyfriend and he is the worst caretaker ever. I don't look up to him, I don't love him, I don't feel like he truly understands what it means to be in this type of relationship. It's been 4 years now. He is wildly inconsistent. I know he just wants a normal relationship but I am looking for a true caretaker who knows how to soothe me and calm me down when somethings wrong. He never knows what to say and he makes me feel guilty for being so disappointed all the time. I just want someone who can calm me down and write things that can pacify me throughout my day while he is away. He loves me a lot but its not the love I am looking for. I feel incomplete and I feel like my caretaker is out there and I wish that person could take me away from this relationship. I'm truly unhappy. What do I do? There's not many good caretakers out there, at least that's how I feel. So I'm scared to leave this relationship where I know I'm safe and loved even if I'm not completely happy.

Edited by matchatealatte
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very sorry to hear that Matcha; maybe it's time to break up with him and look for the right person.  If you're unhappy, it won't help to stay with him.  

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Just a thought! There are some couples who aren't CG/L compatible, and so as long as both people are aware and okay with it, the person who is into CGL is able to find a platonic CG/L. I understand it's not the solution for everyone, but wanted to put it out there since for some couples it does work.

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You've really provided the answer to your situation. You do know what to do, break up and look for someone more compatible. If you don't love him and you aren't happy then it isn't fair to you OR him to stay in the relationship.

 

You're 22, why are you spending four years in a relationship that you obviously resent?

 

Little kaiya

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Thank you for everything who replied. Everyone's opinion means a lot because I'm so lost. I realize how silly I sound, it's obvious to break up but in most situations like these, it's hard to leave. He is great sometimes but like I said, it's not my cup of tea. He loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me and I give him advice and tips on being a caregiver but it doesn't flow naturally from him. I don't run to him for help or for comfort. I silently wait for him to understand it all but nothing's work. He tries a lot but ultimately disappoints me.

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Guest Aetherr

sounds to me like he is just not into it and you dont seem to get that, if you need somethig he is not able to provide. stop banging your head against a wall and go out there and find when you need

 

stop trying to make him something he is not

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sounds to me like he is just not into it and you dont seem to get that, if you need somethig he is not able to provide. stop banging your head against a wall and go out there and find when you need

 

stop trying to make him something he is not

"stop trying to make him something he is not"

he is the one who agreed to this a long time ago. he wants to and is into it, but it doesn't come naturally for him. if you ask him, this is what he wants. 

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If you don't love him, don't look up to him, and aren't getting your needs met, what are you getting out of the relationship and are those things something you couldn't get in a relationship with somebody who you love and look up to? Not passing judgment (and you don't have to actually answer me), but it's something you might think about and consider if the relationship is working for you. If not, is it possible to communicate and work things out together or is it just not working? Nobody can answer that for you, but it sounds like the two of you need to really talk about what's working and what isn't (and how to fix those things) if you're staying together.

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I'm not trying to come off as rude; but you're sounding a little selfish.

You're not selfish by being unhappy or feeling the way you do.

But it's very selfish to be with someone you don't love.

If he is anything like my ex, he will say he is into it and wants to do it- but doesn't commit and he won't want you to find a caregiver because he wants to be everything you need and want. His feelings are valid, but if you are unhappy and truly do not love him... Leave.

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I'm not trying to come off as rude; but you're sounding a little selfish.

You're not selfish by being unhappy or feeling the way you do.

But it's very selfish to be with someone you don't love.

If he is anything like my ex, he will say he is into it and wants to do it- but doesn't commit and he won't want you to find a caregiver because he wants to be everything you need and want. His feelings are valid, but if you are unhappy and truly do not love him... 

something I forgot to mention clearly. He won't let me leave. I've tried to break up with him many times in our relationship. 

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Guest MommyWitch

I think if there are so many things that you dislike you should talk to him tell him how you feel and if you have done that already then take a break..

 

If he loves you but you are not feeling the same way that is not good

 

You both should be in love with one another!

 

4yrs is a long time to be with someone.. i get that

 

I just hope he knows you do not love him because lying that you love someone is not going to make matters better

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Excuse me if I come off as rude and all, but... if he loved you, he would have ''let'' you leave. What do you mean he won't ''let'' you leave? It is clear that you are not happy with him, you should talk to him about it, I don't think this relationship is healthy for neither of you.

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Break-ups don't require agreement from the other party. You don't need his permission to break-up with him. If he won't "let" you, dump him and then cut contact.

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I agree 1000% with Maeve, someone does not have the right and in fact CANNOT deny you permission to leave a relationship. If he is trying to do that it is a clear sign of abuse, manipulation and possibly worse.

 

If you want to end the relationship then do so. There are a lot of good people interested in relationships BUT until you resolve your current situation you would be acting unfairly to those other people, yourself and yes even your current boyfriend if you went into another relationship without solving what's currently going on.

 

Little kaiya

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I think if there are so many things that you dislike you should talk to him tell him how you feel and if you have done that already then take a break..

 

If he loves you but you are not feeling the same way that is not good

 

You both should be in love with one another!

 

4yrs is a long time to be with someone.. i get that

 

I just hope he knows you do not love him because lying that you love someone is not going to make matters better

I understand, however I don't tell him that I love him. I'm open and honest about how unhappy I am all the time.

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Guest Aetherr

"stop trying to make him something he is not"

he is the one who agreed to this a long time ago. he wants to and is into it, but it doesn't come naturally for him. if you ask him, this is what he wants.

 

 

what i said still stands, im going to guesa you have had a number of talks with this person about what you need a thay are falling short of that and instead of taking that as a sign of either they dont care or cant be what you need you are hurting your happiness and this person's experiance with ddlg by pushing on.

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I'm seriously confused, on the one hand you say,

 

"I know he just wants a normal relationship but I am looking for a true caretaker who knows how to soothe me and calm me down when somethings wrong."

 

And then you turn around and say,

 

"he is the one who agreed to this a long time ago. he wants to and is into it, but it doesn't come naturally for him. if you ask him, this is what he wants".

 

It seems impossible that he wants a normal relationship as you first stated but then all of a sudden he wants this, which is it?

 

Maybe there are a lot of complexities that you arent comfortable sharing or maybe it's something else but your story seems to change everytime people offer thoughts or suggestions.

 

At the end if the day you are an adult so need to make the right decision for your life but I'm just very confused as to what you are seeking and what the reality of the situation really even is to be honest.

 

I'm not sure what you are seeking from people as you clearly know what you want but when people attempt to be supportive you have new info and reasons for why you can't do what you clearly already want to do. Staying in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship isn't good or fair to either of you.

 

I wish you and him the best with whatever you and/or he eventually decide to do.

 

Little kaiya

Edited by Little kaiya
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I'm seriously confused, on the one hand you say,

 

"I know he just wants a normal relationship but I am looking for a true caretaker who knows how to soothe me and calm me down when somethings wrong."

 

And then you turn around and say,

 

"he is the one who agreed to this a long time ago. he wants to and is into it, but it doesn't come naturally for him. if you ask him, this is what he wants".

 

It seems impossible that he wants a normal relationship as you first stated but then all of a sudden he wants this, which is it?

 

Maybe there are a lot of complexities that you arent comfortable sharing or maybe it's something else but your story seems to change everytime people offer thoughts or suggestions.

 

At the end if the day you are an adult so need to make the right decision for your life but I'm just very confused as to what you are seeking and what the reality of the situation really even is to be honest.

 

I'm not sure what you are seeking from people as you clearly know what you want but when people attempt to be supportive you have new info and reasons for why you can't do what you clearly already want to do. Staying in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship isn't good or fair to either of you.

 

I wish you and him the best with whatever you and/or he eventually decide to do.

 

Little kaiya

This is why it's confusing for me.

 

He says he wants ddlg from the beginning. However, his actions are inconsistent and that's why I assume he just wants a normal relationship because not all of his actions fit this caregiver role.That's what I've stated. 

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I wonder if he's just saying whatever you want to try to get you to stay. It doesn't really matter what he wants from the relationship if you want to break up with him. If that's what you want, go ahead and break up with him so you can both find more compatible partners. If you want to stay, it sounds like the two of you are really going to need to work on communication, but from what you've described the two of you don't sound super compatible.

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I've been in the same boat.

I know my ex wanted a normal relationship even though he told me he wanted to try out ddlg. I know exactly what you mean.

An know the "he loves me so much!" And blah blah blah. It's obviously not love on your part, and it's probably not love on his part.

 

My ex tried to make me stay many different ways.

It was hard to leave. But I did. For my sake. And his.

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