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Vulnerability as a clingy little


Little_Butterfly
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Hi. I was wondering how people deal with a little being clingy when getting to know each other.

I am finding that with a lot of daddies who say they want clingy littles, their actions can be confusing about the clinginess they really want or can manage. Of course, until you are at the point of being ddlg, there's no need to take that on, but I think you need to sort of test the waters a bit.

My problem is that opening up enough to get to know someone in this way, I get too close and vulnerable to being hurt. I want to hold back but my little traits of attachment kick in too soon. The clinginess is a trait that seems to happen too easily. I start to feel a bit bratty which is NOT me really and then I hate that.

Can people (both bigs and littles) tell me, how do you get to know someone's daddy or little traits without feeling things too soon?

Edited by Little_Butterfly
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I have learned the hard way about being vulnerable. For the last several years if I started a new relationship I put a wall around my heart and forced my partner to earn my trust and love. If I didn't feel comfortable enough to totally open up then I new this person was not right for me. In my opinion the best way is to take things one step at a time and don't force things. I understand that you get devolop feelings and it can be hard not give your self to your part and become clingy. Just try your best to protect your heart and force your part ner to earn your trust and love by thir actions, not their words.

I hope this helps.

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Guest PrincessSparkles35
I honestly don't know because I can relate to your exact feelings. Even when I make new friends that aren't aware of ddlg it is nerve racking. I need reassurance and I try to figure out how to hide this aspect of me but it still comes out. I feel like if someone wants to be your friend and then daddy they will accept you for who you are.
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Guest SifuTheWolf
There is nothing wrong with being needy/wanty,the trick is finding someone that needs to be needed as much as you need them. Nobody matches up perfectly all of the time, just be "you",that way,if someone likes you,they really like you, and not some filtered version of yourself.
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There is nothing wrong with being needy/wanty,the trick is finding someone that needs to be needed as much as you need them.

That seems to be the hard part. I feel conflicted about showing this part of me to someone who wants neediness, when you're not yet in a relationship with them, but how can they get to know you if hold this back because it makes you feel too vulnerable.

I guess we're still adults and have to assess actions and words using our adult mind too. But sometimes that just doesn't work.

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Guest Looby-Lou

...I guess we're still adults and have to assess actions and words using our adult mind too. But sometimes that just doesn't work.

 

 

Yes we definitely need to remember we're adults, but beyond that just to remember we're all "human".

Even as an adult I want & need frequent contact with my partner, eg text msgs during the day.

A Daddy is (nearly always) an adult, but he's just human too. He can't enjoy and/or respond to our clinginess ALL the time.

 

I agree with you totally about the difficulties when first getting to know someone. Wanting to jump in, wanting to hold back, scared of getting attached too soon.

And I think it's probably the same for the DD too. Maybe he doesn't always know how "Dom" or "Daddy" to be at the beginning. He doesn't want to scare us off. He doesn't want to come on too strong. 

 

I find the best thing is to be myself from the start, but a little cautious. If I feel comfortable with the pace & content of the messages/calls, I carry on being "me". Otherwise I get a bit anxious and more cautious.

 

The word "clingy" means different things to different people. I often think it would be better to give clear examples. For example instead of saying "i'm a bit clingy" maybe I should say "i like a text msg every couple of hours and if you don't reply for 4 hours i'll start to get anxious unless you've told me you're in a meeting etc."

 

Looby  :) 

Edited by Looby-Lou
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Thanks for the thoughts so far. I do totally understand the difficulties daddies may have too.

 

I have found that how someone acts a few weeks or so into messaging is a fair indicator of some things, putting aside one-off events like an emergency or something, but that's just my experience. In saying that, how someone is when in a relationship may be a bit different. But you have to work with what you're seeing and have some idea before you get too deep.

 

The specifics of clinginess sounds like a good idea, maybe not really when still just talking?

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Guest Looby-Lou

...I have found that how someone acts a few weeks or so into messaging is a fair indicator of some things....

 

....The specifics of clinginess sounds like a good idea, maybe not really when still just talking?

 

 

Well personally I wouldn't spend a few weeks just messaging someone unless it was unavoidable. I only want a real-life relationship and because of that I like to have a phone call quite soon after start messaging, then a video call, and then meet. A great rapport in messages doesn't always translate to chemistry in real life.

 

For the 2nd thing, I suppose it depends on the two people chatting. Depends how comfortable you feel to voice your needs. Saying what you need is just speaking honestly about yourself IMO, it doesn't mean you're demanding the other person gives you what you want. You're just letting them know "IF we develop into a relationship, this is something I would need..."

Personally I like to establish that kind of thing early on - what the DD needs and wants and vice versa. I get anxious if I don't know what someone wants and what's expected of me.

Also no point chatting for 3 weeks if all the time he secretly needs something I simply can't provide. 

 

There's not really any right or wrong to it, getting to know someone has it's ups & downs and we're all complicated people LOL. I'd say just do what seems right to you in that particular circumstance.

 

Looby  :)

Edited by Looby-Lou
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That seems to be the hard part. I feel conflicted about showing this part of me to someone who wants neediness, when you're not yet in a relationship with them, but how can they get to know you if hold this back because it makes you feel too vulnerable.

I guess we're still adults and have to assess actions and words using our adult mind too. But sometimes that just doesn't work.

 

I am a needy/clingy little. It is hard for me because I don't know how to shut it off. I get hurt often. I am I a kinda talking stage with a Daddy. He doesn't live near me and I don't know what's gonna happen. But I do know I am clingy and requires lots of attention. Sometimes it's hard for me.

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Well personally I wouldn't spend a few weeks just messaging someone unless it was unavoidable. I only want a real-life relationship and because of that I like to have a phone call quite soon after start messaging, then a video call, and then meet. A great rapport in messages doesn't always translate to chemistry in real life.

 

 

Looby  :)

Yes I agree and a reluctance to voice chat or delaying it can often be a bit of a sign of lost interest (amongst other things), especially when I suggest it several times (showing I'm feeling ok about it).

 

I'm glad you've mentioned the investment in time chatting. If I'm looking at an IRL relationship, there's a huge amount at stake especially if you're currently a long distance apart to start. I guess I'm just finding more and more that what people say they want (even if they genuinely believe it) isn't what they really want. And this reveals itself when you start subtly testing it out.

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@DDaddy'sKitten yes it makes it hard and I've been hurt a lot too. Hope things go well finding your Daddy
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This is definitely something that resonates with me.

I'm going to throw out something that took me a long time to realize: the definition of "clingy" actually just means that you have a need for frequent communication. Would you say that's accurate for you?

 

There have been many times where I felt poorly about myself wanting/needing more interaction (which was probably why I thought I could identify more strongly as being a Little in the beginning). I acknowledge that I still get too easily, heavily, and quickly attached to people. But, I think at the core of being "clingy" is the need for strong communication - something I think we're particularly bad at as a society (especially in this all encompassing tech age?). With that in mind, please don't think that it's a deficit character trait. Because it's not!

 

With that said, while I recognize I prefer (*cough need cough*) fairly constant and frequent communication, it wasn't until my Little and I started talking that I realized there were different needs even within communication! For me, I was okay with just text-style messages. For my Little, he prefers video calls and now we video call daily and at this point, I think it would be strange if we didn't video call. This is just a note on expectations and ensuring that both parties' needs are met.

 

As for getting to know someone without getting clingy.... that's a toughie. I would say, only put in as much time and effort into someone as they put in to you. This is going to be difficult but it helped me to set personal guidelines for myself on how not to be as "clingy." For example, I don't respond when people only type one word answers (ie: okay, lol, yes/no). I take one word responses as a general indication that the other person just isn't as into conversation as I am (as it's easy enough to transition to another topic typically). For this though, keep in mind there are also genuinely people who are a bit awkward and/or don't see conversing in the same view. I have other personal guidelines for communications to keep myself in check and think it might be worthwhile for you to set your own boundaries and limits when it's within the context of getting to know someone!

Edited by MysticSand
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MysticSand there are some really good thoughts in there. I've been really revisiting a lot of my thoughts from the ideas in this thread. And the question of whether clingy means needing frequent communication? For me, maybe it isn't frequency as much as consistency.

But like you say it's also the lack of genuine communication. And everyone thinks clingy means something different. Is it clingy to expect a reply within a reasonable time? I think it's not clingy but expecting manners. Is it clingy to expect more than crumbs for responses. Same. Is it clingy to expect a thoughtful response to an explanation of feelings? No it's decency.

The thing I liked about D/s and DDLG in particular is how I felt I didn't have to play the holding back game. No 3 day rule, or no double texting rule. But it seems like they still apply. But as you suggested, maybe I just need to get my own rules that work for me.

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And the question of whether clingy means needing frequent communication? For me, maybe it isn't frequency as much as consistency.

But like you say it's also the lack of genuine communication. And everyone thinks clingy means something different. Is it clingy to expect a reply within a reasonable time? I think it's not clingy but expecting manners. Is it clingy to expect more than crumbs for responses. Same. Is it clingy to expect a thoughtful response to an explanation of feelings? No it's decency.

The thing I liked about D/s and DDLG in particular is how I felt I didn't have to play the holding back game. No 3 day rule, or no double texting rule. But it seems like they still apply. But as you suggested, maybe I just need to get my own rules that work for me.

For sure! I think frequency and consistency go hand in hand. I think we have the same ideas on what it means to be a decent person when it comes to corresponding with someone so I understand a lot of that.

 

Hmm in general... I think if people are a good fit for friendship and/or beyond, then they'll communicate - on whatever time frame, frequency, consistency, medium, etc etc etc... that works for both of them. To re-iterate, it just takes finding someone with those matches that helps in realizing that you're not the only one with those communication needs. And for sure, there are a lot who take one line/word answers as sufficient. Just nope your way out of those conversations and save both of you time. (But mainly you.)  ;)

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Guest Looby-Lou

I totally agree that clinginess is closely related to communication needs.

 

Frequency (how often do we see each other, speak, video call, text..)

 

Tone (striking a balance of Daddy & Dom & "whole person" that appeals to me)

 

Content (do the same things interest us, makes us laugh etc.)

 

Those are the 3 things that seem most important to me.

And like Butterfly & MysticSand said, it's a matter of consistency & finding someone who likes the same as you. IMO there's no right or wrong, it's all about compatibility.

 

If those 3 things happen, that's when I feel I've really hit it off with someone. That we "click". It's such a great feeling  :wub:  It's what I'm looking for!

 

And to go back to the original concept of vulnerability with clinginess ...if those 3 things DON'T align well, or veer off track, that's when I get anxious and vulnerable. Obviously if a DD explains that he's got a stressful period at work etc. I'd understand, it's when it happens without explanation I get wobbly.

 

Looby  :)

Edited by Looby-Lou
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