Jump to content

  •  

  • Photo

    Just need some reassuring


    • Please log in to reply
    10 replies to this topic

    #1 BakedPotato

    BakedPotato

      Advanced Member

    • Members
    • PipPipPip
    • 118 posts
    • LocationTexas

    Posted 05 August 2019 - 06:56 AM

    Last night was horrible, my ex messaged me a lot and was arguing with me about how i felt? I try my best to ve patient and understanding. I really do.....but he has a way of making me doubt myself. Like ive messed up? And im not here to have someone talk me out of getting back with him. I already know i shouldnt. If he couldnt change for a year and a half, it doesnt matter if he has changed now. Its only been maybe a month and a half, he's telling me hes completely different and stuff. Try to prove it to me with different things hes doing like actually having a job lmao. And ive told him he is doing good. But its too late. He cant undo the really horrbible things he has said and done to me. Ive said that like....20 different times since ive broken up with him. If not more. And he just doesnt seem to really get it. He keeps arguing his case, and telling me to "let go and find peace" with what hes done so we can start again. Which just.....he was upset because ive posted positive, progressive things on Facebook. So I am letting go. I actually genuenly already have. He's just trying to pull me back because he accept that he lost me for good. He keeps telling me that every reason i have for not being with him is because of the old him. When i try to explain it wont erase the past pain, he's adament about telling me i am choosing to hold into pain and its my fault. If I just didnt let it upset me then we can rebuild our relationship. I cant even count how many times i have told him I dont want a relationship, or a friendship with him. Which is hard, because i really do still love him. I cant even explain how. But i do. Really bad. But ive got to start taking care of myself. And that means getting rid of people who constantly make me think what they do is my fault. Or just people who have extremely negative energy in general. I dont know why im writing this, i really only have one good friend to talk to about it. Maybe I just feel trapped or something. Im not sure......i was totally fine about everything until now....i feel like im going to throw up.. He will never be able to take full responsibility. He keeps saying its my responsibility to get over it. And again, i have. When weve had issues or split up before, I would have break downs and cry all the time. Since we broke up last time, i haven't cried since. Not in a mean way. I just understand what needs to happen to help myself heal. The fact im even starting to feel unsure, like at all, is really scary. I keep saying im not going back to him, i know i won't. But i can *feel* my brain wanting to. Its so gross. My friend said that just what manipulation makes someone feel. And i get that......maybe im just looking for someone to say dont be a dumb dumb,just drop him. Lmao idk at this point.....but i am watching his dog until he can get a job and get his own place. Its for the dog, not him. Hes a rescue and he is very very attatched to my ex. So i cant completely drop him which makes it a bit harder. Maybe i just needed to write things down. 😭 idk, but thanks for listening. I heart you guys. 😭❤

    #2 Nymph

    Nymph

      little bimbo

    • Members
    • PipPipPip
    • 231 posts
    • Locationnear San Diego

    Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:47 AM

    Paragraphs are your friend sweetie! you will get more help if people can read your post :)

     

    You need to vent and that is why you are writing this, it's quite healthy! I am happy to see that you know the relationship is over and you shouldn't go back. Your head is in the right place, he sounds like a jerk.

     

    What I don't understand is why are you even talking to him? WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TAKING CARE OF HIS DOG O_O so after reading this I think this is a cry for help.

     

    That's one impressive loser you have there :/ have you considered looking for a home for the dog? he obviously can't take care of it or wants to, he is using it to stay in touch with you. Your heart is a bit too soft, but not for him, for the pup and he knows it.

     

    Hell, have you considered adopting the puppy? it will remind you a bit of him at first but just think of it as he couldn't take care of either of you so you need to stick together until you find a proper daddy...

     

    How long have you been babysitting? if it's only a few days then tell him if in two weeks he doesn't come get the pup you will assume he abandoned it and find it a new home. Mute him and don't reply unless he wants to come get the dog.

     

    If you've had it for a month, then give him 3 days, mute and after the 3 days block and enjoy your freedom.



    #3 BakedPotato

    BakedPotato

      Advanced Member

    • Members
    • PipPipPip
    • 118 posts
    • LocationTexas

    Posted 05 August 2019 - 10:49 AM

    Paragraphs are your friend sweetie! you will get more help if people can read your post :)

    You need to vent and that is why you are writing this, it's quite healthy! I am happy to see that you know the relationship is over and you shouldn't go back. Your head is in the right place, he sounds like a jerk.

    What I don't understand is why are you even talking to him? WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TAKING CARE OF HIS DOG O_O so after reading this I think this is a cry for help.

    That's one impressive loser you have there :/ have you considered looking for a home for the dog? he obviously can't take care of it or wants to, he is using it to stay in touch with you. Your heart is a bit too soft, but not for him, for the pup and he knows it.

    Hell, have you considered adopting the puppy? it will remind you a bit of him at first but just think of it as he couldn't take care of either of you so you need to stick together until you find a proper daddy...

    How long have you been babysitting? if it's only a few days then tell him if in two weeks he doesn't come get the pup you will assume he abandoned it and find it a new home. Mute him and don't reply unless he wants to come get the dog.

    If you've had it for a month, then give him 3 days, mute and after the 3 days block and enjoy your freedom.


    So i for sure have considered this! 10000% I dont want the dog to go anywhere else because we rescued him. He is terrified of everyone except for us. He bonded with my ex in a way i dont see often in dogs. I would take him in a heart beat but its 300$ for the fee at my apartment and i dont have that. On top of dog food abd pet rent. :/ i love the dog but im already really tight with money.

    He also owes me a loooot of money. Ive told him tons of times i dont care, hes adament about paying me back. I told him several times we shouldnt talk unless its related to the dog. He will then eventually message me something not related to that, and I'll ignore it or reply extremely short. So this is really the first time I've even talked to him. Otherwise ive been ignoring or closing the conversation off.

    But this time he opened it up something small like, youve been posting pictures in letting things go so ill take the hint. So i responded shortly, saying something like im not going to wallow, if i feel like if like to let go i am. To which he said im the only one wallowing. 😂 so it started with smalk things. Hes good at that. And then he completely went off and started saying it was my fault for xyz. And I think thats the biggest problem. I cant stand that he blames me for things he has done to me. So I will explain to him no, you did this and i didnt like it. And then its just this stupid cycle of him blaming me for things that he did, and me trying to make him accept that im not the shitty one for being hurt. I should just tell him to eff off and leave me alone, I know that. There's this weird thing inside me that just cant do it 😭

    I told him we should talk in person. I think I'll tell him then, that we shouldnt talk anymore. Not until he's ready to get the dog, then get him and thats it. :/ i just have a feeling hes going to start the cycle of me telling him we cant talk, and then him slowly getting me to talk again. Not cause i want to but with questions and stuff, then accusations I feel I need to defend?

    I just need to be strong enough to say something like, "what you think is what you think. Im not getting involved in anymore conversations or discussions with you. " I cant explain why thats so hard 😭 but I just need to tell him one more time we aren't talking. And when he starts saying hes the ine trying to have a mature conversation and making me feel bad for not talking to him, I just need to let him think those things instead of trying to comfort him. 😭

    #4 LittleLamby

    LittleLamby

      Newbie

    • Members
    • Pip
    • 3 posts
    • LocationMaryland

    Posted 05 August 2019 - 09:43 PM

    Hi. It's good to vent! I think us littles are in general sensitive, and it seems like he is playing on your emotions. He sounds like he's being manipulative, but you know that. You are trying to move on for your own good, and it's hard. You're doing the right thing though by letting him go. I hope you end up keeping the doggie. Dogs give you unconditional love and it sounds like you need that right now. Wish you the best. Hugs!

    #5 BakedPotato

    BakedPotato

      Advanced Member

    • Members
    • PipPipPip
    • 118 posts
    • LocationTexas

    Posted 06 August 2019 - 09:05 AM

    Just as an update- i talked to him in person yesterday. 8 told him we can't do this anymore. He ended up getting mad at me and saying that i hurt him more than hes ever been hurt and that i dont care about him or love him, or else i wouldnt be doing this 😭😭 this is really hard. I tried to explain its something i need to heal, but hebjust wont listen. I messaged him this morning and let him know that I am blocking him on facebook and uninstalling the app we messaged on. I told him not to talk to me anymore unless it was relevent to the dog. He responded and again said i dont care and stuff. :/ so i told him to stop, and not to message me again. He then told he is taking the dog in a week. ;-; which like, it needs to happen...but I'm gonna miss the lol guy. He sleeps with me every night. 😭

    #6 Daddy-Tom

    Daddy-Tom

      Advanced Member

    • Members
    • PipPipPip
    • 442 posts
    • LocationNorthwest CT

    Posted 06 August 2019 - 11:23 AM

    Keep this toxic, manipulative, pathetic loser out of your life and give the dog back and NEVER talk to this fool again would be my advice

    Edited by Daddy-Tom, 06 August 2019 - 11:23 AM.

    • Moosebaby142 and Wicked Lush like this

    #7 BigNutBrownHare

    BigNutBrownHare

      Member

    • Members
    • PipPip
    • 11 posts
    • LocationEngland

    Posted 06 August 2019 - 06:29 PM

    My views were as up and down as yours until I reached the end of your statements.

    You wanted away from him, but loved him, he was in your head but it makes you sick...

     

    I always try to take a balanced view - start by considering what is the other side of the story - but in this case... Nope, not a lot of point.  You really seem like you are trying to move on from what appears to have become a corrosive relationship.  It does not sound as though anything he has done he is actually sorry for (when people are sorry they generally accept the consequences of their actions).  It also appears he will use any technique to draw you back in, including your emotional attachment to the dog.  Unpicking lives is never clean and you are suffering minor doubts which are perfectly normal, particularly where you really did care for someone.  Your mind slips into its previous patterns as it seems easier than moving forward.  However it is important you do not give in to them. Those doubts will get weaker as you move on and you start making new happier memories.  You have given him a number of chances before. No more face-to-face meetings, small talk or friendly chats.  Clean break time!

     

    BNBH


    • Ebony Fruit Bat likes this

    #8 PiperParadis

    PiperParadis

      Member

    • Members
    • PipPip
    • 14 posts
    • LocationSpain

    Posted 08 August 2019 - 07:43 AM

     

    Just as an update- i talked to him in person yesterday. 8 told him we can't do this anymore. He ended up getting mad at me and saying that i hurt him more than hes ever been hurt and that i dont care about him or love him, or else i wouldnt be doing this 😭😭 this is really hard. I tried to explain its something i need to heal, but hebjust wont listen. I messaged him this morning and let him know that I am blocking him on facebook and uninstalling the app we messaged on. I told him not to talk to me anymore unless it was relevent to the dog. He responded and again said i dont care and stuff. :/ so i told him to stop, and not to message me again. He then told he is taking the dog in a week. ;-; which like, it needs to happen...but I'm gonna miss the lol guy. He sleeps with me every night. 😭

     

    Aw... I've kind of been there...
    Look, he doesn't really believe that you're the culprit, he says that because he knows that it hurts you. He might end up believing his own lies, but at the end all that you're describing is clearly a person with a huge problem. He won't admit his part because he's uncapable of it and he prefers to think that you're the one to blame for that to admit his errors. He's bossing you around, manipulating you in the worst way, taking advantage of you being a lovely person. If he says that you're hurting him, tell him that he's right, really. You'll break him. He will get mad, he will shout, he can do whatever he wants, but you'll see in his face that he's lost. He no longer have the rope with which he was tying you.

    Being able to let people believe what they want was something extremely hard to do, but in the end is the thing that helped me most, the most liberating action. He only says so because it gives him power, but when you stop denying it, when you show no interest in it, he no longer have power over you.

    When I broke up with my fist boyfriend, it was really painful. I really trusted him, but he just turned his back on me when his friends started to be mean to me. It was utterly painful to hear the nastiest stuff from the person I loved the most. But in the end I realized he was doing it to get my attention.
    He would often brag in front of my friends about his new girlfriends boobs (I have small ones) and how he learnt what to have sex was after me (Which, for what I've heard, it's not entirely true) and a lot of stuff like that. He did it because he wanted me to know, he wanted them to tell everything to me. One day I just told them to stop, I didn't wanted to know anything about him or his friends. Long time after, we met again, and I started to feel as shitty and culprit as I used to feel around him, but I didn't played the game. The next time we saw each other, I had long time ago assume that the person I had been was just a person that no longer exists, so when he tried to play me, I played him, and we haven't talked since. I made peace with myself, I assumed I had his best years, that he changed, as he says, but to the worst. He's no longer the same person and I no longer owe him nothing.

    It's the best thing.

    And as for the dog... If he can take care of him and he does, that's all. You're going to miss him, but it would be the best as you say that your dog is so bonded to your ex. You won't be able to replace him, but that doesn't mean that you won't have new lovely pets in the future. I would advise you to wait a little bit, to take advantage of that time and do some cleaning and reorganization of your personal space. That will help you focus, you'll create a new space free of painful memories and to accept the beautiful ones (If you like, I'd recommend you "tidying up" from Marie Kondo, there's a book and a serie)
    And utterly, it will help you take care of yourself.

    You're a lovely person, you'll get through it :) and you have all the support you need. If you want to talk about it, I'd love to, so don't hesitate to add me as friend and we'll discuss everything. Since I've suffered it more than once, I've become quite and expert in coping with emotional vampires....

    #9 BakedPotato

    BakedPotato

      Advanced Member

    • Members
    • PipPipPip
    • 118 posts
    • LocationTexas

    Posted 11 August 2019 - 11:49 AM

    Ive had a hard time using the site since the security thing isnt working 😅 thank you guys so so much. Im feeling a lot more confident about this......❤ I'm accepting thst he will see me however he wants. I cant force hin to take responsibility for things.....i told him if he cant take the dog(hes homeless and living at his grandmas now) then he will need to pay me the fee my apartment will charge me, plus all if the dog food, as well as boarding when im out of town. I told hin I'll give him til october, and if he hasnt been able to save up money after living rent free for thatst long, ill have to find the puppers a new home ;_; im just ready for this to 100% be over, and block his ohone number asap. Even talking to him about his dog, he was just being so mean, and used my own words "I cant talk to you, its affecting my mental health" :/ he finally calmed down and talked to me like an adult after a period of time. But this definitely isnt ok. If he doesnt have the fee for my apartment to let me have the dog by the end of the month, ill find another home for him. uwu

    Thank you guys so so much. Its easy to say i need to get out of a bad relationship, its easy to see why i need to. Actually doing it, especially with someone who ive been with for a year and a half....its really hard. And with him manipulating my words abd stuff, I really need outsiders to helo me think im doing the right thing. Cause he things otherwise. Not that his opinion matters, but brains are weird. And its easy for him to use words a certain way to make me doubt myself. So i really really appreciate it. <3

    #10 BigNutBrownHare

    BigNutBrownHare

      Member

    • Members
    • PipPip
    • 11 posts
    • LocationEngland

    Posted 12 August 2019 - 12:58 PM

    Yes it is easy for us to say, we don't have to do it.  But that also means we can see the darker side of what is going on.  He speaks in a way to make you doubt yourself.  Big red flag.   Read up on "gaslighting".  It is an abusive technique and is just another reason you need to be really cautious in your dealings with him. 

     

    It really seems as if you have been strong enough to move on; keep going and every day will be easier.  There are new people and experiences out there just waiting for you.

     

    Keep going

     

    BNBH



    #11 Daddy-Tom

    Daddy-Tom

      Advanced Member

    • Members
    • PipPipPip
    • 442 posts
    • LocationNorthwest CT

    Posted 08 September 2019 - 06:16 PM

    Sweetie you deserve so much better than this and he is cruelly taking advantage of your kind and sweet nature trying to manipulate and guilt you




    0 user(s) are reading this topic

    0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users