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building dom confidence?


squishymonster

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hey -

I'm a switch, but I'm a little 90% of the time. Domming is still very new to me. I get very anxious with the thought of leading the way with literally anything. I panic and I stall activities a lot. I'm always worried I won't do the right thing, or I'll mess up something and it'll haunt me and scare me entirely out of being a mommydom at all.

 

my partner is always dominant during sex, but I know for a fact he has a huge mommy kink. I feel really inadequate and selfish during sex because of this. I've told him, and he told me it's really only a 2d thing. But he's told me in the past that he has fantasies of me letting loose and becoming a confident dom.

 

I guess I'm just frustrated with myself because I don't know how to be a confident dom. What do mommydoms even do?

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Hello! I know exactly how you feel, I used to feel the exact same way. Now I absolutely love being daddy for my girlfriend (despite both being lesbians, we still like the daddy vibes, just with women instead of men, ahah)! Honestly, it comes with practice. I'm still a little stumbly and awkward, but I have come so far, compared to how I was at the start of the year (when we started). 

 

First of all, it has to come from a place of genuinely wanting to do it. If you don't like the idea, and you only want to do it because your boyfriend fantasises about it, it's not for you. Even if you work up the confidence and you're no longer worried about stuffing up and you can lead with a blink of an eye, it just won't be enjoyable for you. It'll be like a chore, something you do purely for him and not for both of you. If you actually do like the idea of you domming sometimes, then you'll be okay :)

 

I'll let you in on a secret: We're not as confident as we seem. Or, well, I'm not at least But, guess what? That is absolutely positively okay! Because BDSM is such an experimental thing, there are lots of stumbles, and messing up is part of the deal. Especially if you're new to it! Everyone has individual and unique things in which they like, and they can change over time as well (I'm pretty sure that I made a post on here at the beginning of the year, where I said I didn't like spanking because it was too much or something, and now I'm into a whole lot of other things like choking, tightly tied ropes, and a lot of other things that I used to etc.). With my girlfriend and I, we didn't know what we were into. So we both had to explore each other and see what works. Being confident all the time is like a glamorisation of dominants. It's something unrealistic. Because slipping up is a part of being human! Being dom is a learning process, something that, even after years, I assume you'll still always be learning. When you learn new things, you try them out. And no matter how confident you are with them, you can still mess up! It's your partner's job to learn to accept that. 

 

My advice is to just give it a go. Once you accept that you will stuff up, and that it's absolutely okay, you will start slowly gaining confidence. Start small and relatively soft, and then get harsher as you progress.

 

As for what we do, as I said earlier, everyone has individual things that they like. So, it depends on what your partner and you both like. The best starting place is just asking him. It's a good habit to get into, even if he doesn't know, because BDSM requires a lot of communication about what either/each party likes. But we do everything a daddy would do! I would suggest reading a list of punishments together and both of you pointing out what you might be interested in :)

 

I hope this helps  :heart:

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