New little, hurt and misguided, seeking support
Posted 07 September 2019 - 08:48 PM
Thank you for this forum! It's been so helpful to read posts here. I'm a 29 year old stepping into this world for the first time and I am 95% sure I'm a little. I don't regress or go into little space -- it's more just a part of my personality. I generally keep a sense of childlike wonder and love to marvel at the simplicity of the world. (Have you ever noticed how cars look like bears or beavers?! Or how a robin walks? Or how soft certain plant leaves are? Or just OTTERS, everything about otters, but mostly, they hold hands!) And sometimes I think, maybe we actually live in a Toy Story universe where inanimate objects have feelings and what do trash bags really feel? You can't prove to me otherwise 🙃
Anyway...that's me, always has been. I've never been in a DD/lg relationship but having a partner who is super comfortable with being a caregiver feels...safe. Comforting. Important. Right. At the same time, I'm completley overwhelmed by it, and a bit scared of it.
I'm working through after-effects of a pretty unhealthy relationship. I don't know if I'm good enough to be someone's little. And so I'm writing here to share a bit about me and this recent relationship in the hopes that someone may have thoughts, help me understand DD/lg, help me think through what to do, how to explore myself more...because I feel like I'm floundering. I don't like that feeling.
I was introduced to DD/lg by my ex, who was completely well-versed in the BDSM world. We weren't in a DD/lg relationship -- he just told me about it, and that he was into littles because they kept a genuine innocence and vulnerability that society stomps out/tells us isn't acceptable as adults. I remember asking if he was a Daddy Dom and he said, "oh, yes."
My usual nature is to wear my heart on my sleeve. But recently - about three months before I met my ex - I went through a trauma, and then a second trauma a month into us dating, and now I have an overwhelming understanding that if something I say, even just saying how I feel, does not sit right with someone else, they may just decide to violate my physical and emotional safety.
I used to say, I met my ex at the exact right time. He told me being vulnerable was okay. That my needs mattered. But he was very uncomfortable providing verbal reassurance, though hugs and cuddles were always okay. He refused to provide external validation because he didn't understand why I needed to hear validation from him. He felt like it had to come from me for it to matter at all. I cared about what he thought, how he felt, and he told me that felt co-dependent. He wanted me to just be okay on my own, without him, and he said that that was the marker of a good partner, putting their partner first without them in the picture.
And, he was my safe person. There was something comforting about his presence. And I really needed that safe person. So I clung to it, or the illusion of it.
We talked about BDSM and D/s a lot and explored it in bed too. I was really interested, but he was very cautious because he was worried I was a sub for the wrong reasons, a people pleaser because I feared the outcome if I didn't cater to others. We talked about DD/lg, about how he thought I was very close to being a little. When he called me "cutie" and "good girl" I felt warm and safe.
7 months into our relationship, I had a third traumatic event occur and I had a series of very bad panic attacks in his apartment. The next day he decided to disengage. After 3 days of silence he finally replied to me and told me he needed to step back to take care of himself and that I shouldn't expect responses from him if I texted. He got very frustrated with me because I didn't understand his boundaries around communicatuon and asked for clarification. Later he decided it was okay for us to see each other again. He didn't break up with me, but he treated me like an on-off switch. We hung out when he reached out and asked but if I asked I was always met with "maybe" or "no." He told me, I had to think of fun plans before asking to see him otherwise it would be hard for him to commit to anything. We texted when he decided he wanted to. When I tried to talk to him in person about how I was feeling I would get very nervous and he would interrupt me to point out how I used double negatives and clarifying statements and couldn't get to the point fast enough ("Please, tell me more about how you don't feel" was common). And then when I finally mustered up courage to say I felt like I had no autonomy, he seemed concerned I felt that way, but flat out refused to change his behavior and pointed to things I could do to help change the dynamic. Then he said that I shouldn't put in too much effort into the relationship because he wasn't going to do anything different.
When I broke up with him, he apologized for hurting me. And listened. And finally validated. And made me so confused, like maybe we could work, just needed a break. Before we hugged goodbye, he said, "why are you so close to being a little?" And I told him I thought I was one. And I told him, I didn't think he was a Daddy Dom. But he said, "I definitely am. I don't like rules, but I like to make rules." Which I don't think is exactly the idea.
Now I'm clear. He can't give me what I need or want. I've learned from all this. I'm exploring myself and I'm exploring the DD/lg world that he so clearly was not in and I think, I just think I might want this dynamic in a relationship.
The idea of having a Daddy is...it's enticing. But it's also really terrifying. I am realizing as I move past this how I am fairly screwed up from the mind games of this relationship (plus I'm still working through PTSD). He was so dominant and said so many of the right things including encouraging me "it's okay not to be okay." But then it turned out it wasn't okay. It was too much. I gave him my vulnerability and he decided it was wrong.
And he was right about a lot of things. I am a people pleaser and it is my default behavior when I think others might be angry or upset with me, especially if there is a power dynamic. So some of the rules and guidance aspect I read about in DDlg really scare me. If I break an agreed upon rule I'm going to be utterly terrified and that seems so unhealthy for me. And I need to feel like I have choices, autonomy in a relationship. In my life. So then I think, no one wants that confused mess, not in this lifestyle. Not when other littles can fulfill it better.
But then I realize...I honestly don't know what "this lifestyle" even is. What different forms it takes. The internet can be a very misleading place. I was convinced I wasn't a little because I don't feel like I'm a different age or want to do things like color or dress younger until I found this forum.
I find myself wanting to clarify my words so much - I am not looking for someone to fix me, to take on emotional labor. I'm a bit scared of what you all might think of me, posting like this. Maybe I don't belong. All I know is I feel for the first time I have language, descriptions for parts of my identity I never had before. And I may have a world of hurt with me but I have a lot of love to give too, and maybe DD/lg is a good place for me to think about exploring. But maybe it isn't. I don't have enough information to know.
I don't even know what question I am asking or if anyone has made it to the end of this post. But I could really use some guidance or thoughts or something.
Thanks for reading, everyone 😊
- LittleTeacup, Cara Innes, LittleBunBun84 and 1 other like this
Posted 07 September 2019 - 09:47 PM
littles. Every little has different characteristics that make them unique in their own way. I can tell by your words that
with the right daddy who has taken the time to understand your needs and desires, both of you will be very happy with each
other. My advice to you is to take things slow and try to figure where you belong in the beautiful world DDLG. I really
believe that you belong here. I have chatted with other littles that are like you.
I hope this helps a little bit.
- wideeyeddelights likes this
Posted 08 September 2019 - 01:36 AM
Hi there! I can relate to a lot of things that you're saying here in your post and not just about being little. If you'd like to talk then please send me a friend request. I know I'd like to have a chat and get to know you.
- wideeyeddelights likes this
Posted 08 September 2019 - 05:49 AM
Thank you for venting your concerns and the very personal experiences. It is never easy to be this open and it must have taken a lot of courage especially with how you stated that you were afraid that this community may think of you and that you were afraid you weren't a little.
I just want to say that your ex was very confusing at least from my perspective. You say that he's well-versed in the BDSM world, well he may be in parts of the BDSM world, but certainly not DDLG. Your ex said he was a daddy dom, yet refused to change his behavior,attitude, and actions to accommodate you. He also put blame on you and even gave you the cold shoulder. He did not let you have a say in a lot of things and only interacted with you when it was convenient for him. That is not a Daddy Dom at all. A Daddy Dom is supposed to be nurturing, supportive, caring, loving, understanding, and patient. Honestly to me, it seems like he's a real POS from what you're stating. Of course Daddy Doms are supposed to be strict to a degree, but not abusive. Shunning contact and not letting you speak is not good at all. All that plus the fact that he also said he doesn't like rules, but enjoys making them shows to me that he isn't a DD. Seems like he just liked the sexual little girl aspect with non of the actual giving a damn about your little girl.
Alaskan definitely has the right of it. There are no cookie cutter relationships. Take your time and look up more about DDLG. See what you like and see what resonates with you. I'm sure there are people who only take some parts of the DDLG and still classify their dynamic as DDLG. And having a Daddy Dom can be indeed be very terrifying, all that vulnerability and emotional bareness can leave you susceptible to a lot. That is why, my advice to you after researching more on DDLG is to get to know any potential Daddy Doms very closely. Just like in any relationship, there is a lot of trust needed, but even more so in DDLG. You want to make sure that your DD does not abuse you or makes you do things you are uncomfortable with.
"And I may have a world of hurt with me but I have a lot of love to give too" you definitely belong here especially from just that line. Take your time, research, get to know any potential Daddy Doms very closely, and most importantly have fun! I wish you the best of luck in this dynamic and finding the right Daddy for you
- wideeyeddelights and LittleBunBun84 like this
Posted 08 September 2019 - 07:40 AM
Thank you for this forum! It's been so helpful to read posts here. I'm a 29 year old stepping into this world for the first time and I am 95% sure I'm a little. I don't regress or go into little space -- it's more just a part of my personality.
There is nothing wrong with this at all. A lot of the best little I know don't age regress, they have it as part of their personality. There is no way to little, just different ways.
And I told him, I didn't think he was a Daddy Dom. But he said, "I definitely am. I don't like rules, but I like to make rules." Which I don't think is exactly the idea.
Yes and no. just like there's no wrong way to little, there's no wrong way to DDLG. But regardless the important thing is that YOU don't DDLG that way. and that's ok and great and nothing to be ashamed of.
If I break an agreed upon rule I'm going to be utterly terrified and that seems so unhealthy for me. And I need to feel like I have choices, autonomy in a relationship.
There's a great phrase that gets tossed around "Littles have the true power in the relationship" What that means is that nothing can happen with out your direct express approval. You're uncomfortable with a chore or punishment. Don't do it. What's he gonna do? He's not your real dad!
This also means you have the the right to say you don't want any rules at all or any punishments. You just want to be cared for. You'd be looking for more of a softer daddy than a Dom Daddy.
I honestly don't know what "this lifestyle" even is.
When you look at the absolute basics of DDLG, it's identical to any other relationship: Partners who love, trust, and respect each other.
DD/lg is a good place for me to think about exploring. But maybe it isn't
I feel one of the most common, and BIGGEST mistake most littles make is defining their little side by having a daddy and that leads right into the hands of a bad daddy. Reading your post it kind of feels like you're sold on this idea. I say stick with being a single little for a while. Discover your littleside on your own then you know what kind of daddy you need.
- wideeyeddelights and Cara Innes like this
Posted 08 September 2019 - 01:10 PM
I agree with what most people said. The fact the internet is misleading and most people just see a part a picture and assume that the whole is very common error (I am not claiming I see the entire picture) Anyway, My suggestion is that you read a lot. Like shit loads and then some. And when you are reading about know that all the books are just someone's view on a matter. What you want needs to be defined by you and you alone. My suggestion on any relationship is listing down 4 things
- Your needs in a relationship
- Things you want a relationship (Not the same as needs. Well, the can be something you like and make you weak in your knees but things you can survive without)
- Things you don't mind/don't care much for
- Stuff that you do not want your relationship
Now for every relationship to work out the needs of you and your partner should be similar or compatible with each other. In case they aren't it'd probable lead to an unhappy relationship
No one can tell you what it is to be your ideal daddy. That is something your partner would have discover for himself.
You are a little if you choose to be and you aren't one if you don't choose to be one.
Just be patient and keep your eye out for people who see the whole relationship the same way you view it.
The most important thing is to have a friend in the Kink community. Someone who you could actually trust and ask for advice. A mentor of sorts. Try finding someone who's willing to do that for you. It'll greatly help you navigate the community
Posted 09 September 2019 - 06:43 PM
Hi! I'm 28 and just started identifying as a little this January. But I've been this way my whole life, probably starting from the age I should've outgrown my baby comfort pillow but never did. It's ok to "start" later and not be completely sure.
Take it slow, read a lot of threads on this site (especially the information ones under the "resources" section), and learn what you like as a little. We don't all like the same things and some of us don't fit the stereotypes. I don't use sippy cups or pacifiers, don't like glitter, rarely watch cartoons (and then I prefer older stuff), and can definitely act like a mature adult when I need to. I don't really regress either, but I estimate my "little age" around 5-7 just because I don't feel like a helpless baby or toddler when acting "little-ish". And around that age in reality was when I got teased and shamed in school for being myself and forced myself to hide it even though I never "fit in".
I'm sorry you experienced those traumas and your ex being confusing and not helpful. The truth is you don't have to give up your autonomy and choices. I wouldn't want too many rules and punishments in a relationship - maybe just a few to help me take care of myself, like talking to my partner when I'm frustrated instead of holding it or I must shower at least a certain frequency even when I don't feel like it. And only soft punishments like a time out or discussion about what's bothering me. I'm more of a vanilla-ish (with sprinkles) little who just wants someone to like taking care of me and not tell me to "grow up" or something. We don't all have to engage in bdsm lifestyles, or we can choose a milder form of bdsm play if we want.
I hope I see you around some more!
- wideeyeddelights and NathanR like this
Big age: 29
Little age: 5-7
Children don't worry what they look like to others. They are 100% themselves. When we get older, we learn to fit in society by submerging those parts of ourselves that our culture looks down on. We don't want to be rejected by our parents. We don't want to be rejected by our peers. Growing up may include re-embracing ourselves even if we must stand alone.
Thank you for being here as I re-embrace the Self I'm meant to be.
(Note: I'm not looking for a caregiver right now. Please don't ask.)
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