"I'm 31 years old but at my deepest core of who I am, I genuinely and absolutely feel like a kid aged about between 10 and 13 years.
Its like if my soul always stayed at this age and never got older.
But unlike most littles I'm not able to regress at will, I'm simply always little regarding my emotions, likings, needs and desires."
WOW! I had a crap ton typed out. Then like a goober clicked a link and it vanished. ouch. But, I will try to recapture. What you're writing is very important.
Your post jumped out to me because I had very similar thoughts and feelings beginning 2 months ago. I started DD/LG but from the Dom role.
I began to feel like I was faking my role. That in life, I did, but really didn't feel like a Dom. As you stated, I began to realize I didn't express my wants and needs/ desires
to others. This didn't come right away. KNOW that you have already made a great deal of progress for your own life, in asking these questions. Know that it is safe
to explore them. It is always safe to explore your own mind, your own mind cannot hurt you.
People had told me over the course of my life that I acted like a little kid sometimes. I always brushed off what they were saying. Through my 20's I continued
to brush it off. I have a good job, car paid off, lovely wife.... (34 now) so that never quite made sense to me. But part of me, felt like they were right? Then I started as a Dom and
I really enjoyed it! But part of me still felt like I was faking. Part of me felt like, well crap, I want to get home and eat cereal and watch cartoons (there's nothing wrong with that).
For me questioning what you're talking about, it started almost as a suspicion. Like a curiosity. Like you have right now. The next step I took from where you are was to observe my own mind.
That means, observing the thougths that are coming into your mind throughout the day. Just listening to what they are and the form that they take.
This is key...... when you observe them, do your best to withold judgement on them. Don't worry about what they mean or why you're thinking a certain thing.
Just focus on observing the things that are coming into your mind and the feelings that are coming with them. Know that your feelings and thoughts, from your mind,
cannot hurt you. It may feel with every part of you that isn't true. That they can, but they cannot. Continue to observe for a period of time and practice not judging. Think about
what form they take. Are they in the first person? "I think, I want, I need...." or are they in the second person? "You are this, you want this, you need this...."
For me this process was a week or two. After that I began noticing that my thinking had patterns. I also noticed that certain thoughts, situations, memories, had feelings attached
to them that were VERY STRONG. Much of it was CRIPPLING FEAR. It made me want to stop observing completely. But know, again, that your mind is playing tricks on you.
When I began this process I had certain thoughts that would pop up that filled me with crippling fear. I did my best not to judge them, or even ask others what they meant.
I began saying, when I felt thoughts that filled me with fear, "I am strong. I am enough. I can handle anything."
Once I repeated this often enough, certain thoughts began to be exposed for what they are. Just thoughts. They started to seem less powerful to me, and by extension,
I began feeling more powerful over them. I felt more control within myself.
Our mind can and does play tricks on us. We are biologically programmed to be this way as a product of evolution, it is related to our self preservation and survival.
We have something called the Critical Inner Voice that can be a source of much fear, panic, and anxiety. This voice gets power and is fed by external sources that are outside
of our actual control. It can seem extremely powerful because in addition to thoughts, it also gives us difficult feelings. the fear, the panic, those all make it seem VERY rational at the time.
That is the source of its power.
Suggestions since you mention you don't have access to professional help. Keep in mind also, that you don't need people to go on this internal journey.
Journaling: this is key. Right out your thoughts and the feelings tied to them. Then go back and look at what you put. Keep it going. This can join your observations of your thoughts.
Exercise: Spend time outside to get outside of yourself and give yourself a break from your own mind. Even taking a walk can do so much to help your mind reset and calm down.
Self Care: Just be kind to yourself on this journey, should you decide to continue. Eat the best you can, and enough food. Drink enough water. Get at least 6-7 hours of sleep.
Make it easier on yourself to take this journey with yourself and be kind to yourself.
I wish you the best of luck and know that you're good enough and deserve the best this world has to offer.