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    Who and what I am really?


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    #1 Hinako

    Hinako

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    Posted 11 September 2019 - 05:00 PM

    Hello everyone,

     

    I have a problem.

     

    I'm 31 years old but at my deepest core of who I am, I genuinely and absolutely feel like a kid aged about between 10 and 13 years.

    Its like if my soul always stayed at this age and never got older.

    But unlike most littles I'm not able to regress at will, I'm simply always little regarding my emotions, likings, needs and desires.

    I'm not able to switch between different states of mind, this never happened and I'm not able to do this.

    Of course this comes with major drawbacks. The world of adults is simply too hard and ruthless for me.

    Its impossible for me to sleep without my stuffies and my night light.

    I'm very anxious and shy and many other adults tell me all the time that I act and behave exactly like a pre-teen in nearly every way.

    My question is if I'm a real little at all because I'm simply always like a pre-teen without regressing at will or playing a role and pretending like an age-player does it within an BDSM-Relationship.

    Five months ago i don't even was aware of the fact that there is a term which describes people which are similar to me.

    Who I am and what I am?

    I'm so confused, please help me. :(


    Edited by Hinako, 11 September 2019 - 05:01 PM.

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    #2 NathanR

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    Posted 11 September 2019 - 07:24 PM

    This is a tricky topic, isn't it? I think almost all of us want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you and our answers will all likely support the fact that the little in you is there for a reason. With our inner child, some of them grow up and some of them don't. And there's nothing wrong with that. There are many other people out there who think and feel the same way you do because that's just who we are are as people and thats where communities like this find its population.

    But I need to be blunt with my answer and say that there are some things which require help from a professional, not the internet. Its like searching google for your symptoms when you feel sick, everything comes up cancer. Please be very careful with the answers you get out here from other people. I am not a trained professional, but it sounds to me like there might be some emotional issues which need to be worked through by someone who is.

     

    I hope you are able to take the courage you found to say something here and seek someone out in real life to help you with those issues.


    Edited by NathanR, 12 September 2019 - 04:15 AM.

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    #3 jelloprincess

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    Posted 11 September 2019 - 11:03 PM

    I agree with NathanR. You should talk to a professional who can help you with your specific situation and help you to find strategies to cope.

     

    As far as your question of whether you're a Little, an age regressor, and age player, etc., I think that's somewhat subjective. I regress due to childhood trauma, and it's never been a voluntary thing for me either, but I still consider myself a Little and find DDlg to be very healing. Ultimately you have to determine for yourself what you think you are. Again, that might be something that talking to a professional might help you to do.

     

    If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me a message. I'd be happy to lend a listening ear. <3


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    #4 Hinako

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    Posted 12 September 2019 - 03:59 AM

    Well, I'm really in a quandary, it is a serious predicament for me. :(

    If i would go to a therapist in my country and tell him about my condition and how i feel, they would most likely lock me up, it is very easy to do this in my country for a psychiatrist, you don't have to be a threat for others or yourself for this to happen.

    And beside of that, I don't think that my condition is "curable" because I always felt this way and it is deeply connected with the core of my soul and all my personality traits, needs and desires.

    I just want to find out what I am and who I am and make some friends which maybe understand how i feel.


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    #5 NathanR

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    Posted 12 September 2019 - 05:05 AM

    Jelloprincess is right in what she says and I don't want to be misunderstood. There is nothing wrong with you being a little or feeling like you are one and I definitely wouldn't call being a little "a condition". Its not. There is nothing wrong with that specific part of you. As I had stated before, with some of us, our inner child has just never fully grows up and thats a fine thing. It happens for one reason or another and that's just how it is with being a human. Welcome! You can definitely find some friends and a bit of help here if you take the time to do so.

    What I was suggesting however, is that it sounded as if there could be some deeper, underlying issues there that needed to be worked through by someone who knew what they were doing. You can get started with that here by reading other posts and looking at the articles people took the time to find and share. But please be very careful with what answers you find. Just because you have a cold, that doesn't mean you have cancer. The internet has a funny way of making the worst out of everything. I am also very sorry to hear that getting locked up can be the case for you in your country. I feel that's wrong and very heartbreaking. People shouldn't be afraid to ask for help.

    Lastly, I am glad you found the courage to reach out. I truly am. I applaud you for that! Good job! You deserve to have happiness in your life but you'll never find it if you don't get moving and start looking for it. Please keep taking those steps forward. You'll get there.


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    #6 movingaxis

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    Posted 12 September 2019 - 10:25 AM

    "I'm 31 years old but at my deepest core of who I am, I genuinely and absolutely feel like a kid aged about between 10 and 13 years.

    Its like if my soul always stayed at this age and never got older.

    But unlike most littles I'm not able to regress at will, I'm simply always little regarding my emotions, likings, needs and desires."



    Hello,

    WOW! I had a crap ton typed out. Then like a goober clicked a link and it vanished. ouch. But, I will try to recapture. What you're writing is very important.


    Your post jumped out to me because I had very similar thoughts and feelings beginning 2 months ago. I started DD/LG but from the Dom role. 
    I began to feel like I was faking my role. That in life, I did, but really didn't feel like a Dom. As you stated, I began to realize I didn't express my wants and needs/ desires
    to others. This didn't come right away. KNOW that you have already made a great deal of progress for your own life, in asking these questions. Know that it is safe

    to explore them. It is always safe to explore your own mind, your own mind cannot hurt you. 

    People had told me over the course of my life that I acted like a little kid sometimes. I always brushed off what they were saying. Through my 20's I continued
    to brush it off. I have a good job, car paid off, lovely wife.... (34 now) so that never quite made sense to me. But part of me, felt like they were right? Then I started as a Dom and 
    I really enjoyed it! But part of me still felt like I was faking. Part of me felt like, well crap, I want to get home and eat cereal and watch cartoons (there's nothing wrong with that).

    For me questioning what you're talking about, it started almost as a suspicion. Like a curiosity. Like you have right now. The next step I took from where you are was to observe my own mind.
    That means, observing the thougths that are coming into your mind throughout the day. Just listening to what they are and the form that they take. 

    This is key...... when you observe them, do your best to withold judgement on them. Don't worry about what they mean or why you're thinking a certain thing. 
    Just focus on observing the things that are coming into your mind and the feelings that are coming with them. Know that your feelings and thoughts, from your mind, 
    cannot hurt you. It may feel with every part of you that isn't true. That they can, but they cannot. Continue to observe for a period of time and practice not judging. Think about
    what form they take. Are they in the first person? "I think, I want, I need...." or are they in the second person? "You are this, you want this, you need this...." 
    For me this process was a week or two. After that I began noticing that my thinking had patterns. I also noticed that certain thoughts, situations, memories, had feelings attached 
    to them that were VERY STRONG. Much of it was CRIPPLING FEAR. It made me want to stop observing completely. But know, again, that your mind is playing tricks on you.

    When I began this process I had certain thoughts that would pop up that filled me with crippling fear. I did my best not to judge them, or even ask others what they meant.
    I began saying, when I felt thoughts that filled me with fear, "I am strong. I am enough. I can handle anything." 
    Once I repeated this often enough, certain thoughts began to be exposed for what they are. Just thoughts. They started to seem less powerful to me, and by extension, 
    I began feeling more powerful over them. I felt more control within myself.

    Our mind can and does play tricks on us. We are biologically programmed to be this way as a product of evolution, it is related to our self preservation and survival.
    We have something called the Critical Inner Voice that can be a source of much fear, panic, and anxiety. This voice gets power and is fed by external sources that are outside
    of our actual control. It can seem extremely powerful because in addition to thoughts, it also gives us difficult feelings. the fear, the panic, those all make it seem VERY rational at the time.
    That is the source of its power. 

    Suggestions since you mention you don't have access to professional help. Keep in mind also, that you don't need people to go on this internal journey. 
    Journaling: this is key. Right out your thoughts and the feelings tied to them. Then go back and look at what you put. Keep it going. This can join your observations of your thoughts.
    Exercise: Spend time outside to get outside of yourself and give yourself a break from your own mind. Even taking a walk can do so much to help your mind reset and calm down. 
    Self Care: Just be kind to yourself on this journey, should you decide to continue. Eat the best you can, and enough food. Drink enough water. Get at least 6-7 hours of sleep. 
    Make it easier on yourself to take this journey with yourself and be kind to yourself. 

    I wish you the best of luck and know that you're good enough and deserve the best this world has to offer.

     

     


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