Boyfriend isn't into DDlg anymore... how do i cope with this?

[Kittween]

Hello!

 

My name is Kat and- uh.. a few days ago I was told by my boyfriend that when I call him Daddy "too much" or when i'm little that it overwhelms him. Hearing this broke my heart and it's been on my mind ever since. Today, when I finally brought it up and told him how much it hurt me and what DDlg really meant to me. He then goes on to saying that he just simply isn't really into it anymore and that he could work on it with me or that he just didn't want to be apart of it anymore. We're in a LDR, so when I burst out in tears from hearing that, I just made him think I was okay. I know this is a source of bad communication but when I tell him how I feel about things he gets really upset and today admitted that he was having suicidal thoughts because of how bad he felt since he didn't notice it any sooner. We're both quite sensitive and bad at taking constructive criticism or negative things at all- so it's hard for us to deal with our emotions together. 

Here's some insight: I've been into DDlg for nearly six years as a coping mechanism. I've had trauma from every single relationship I've been in besides this one, so I really am grateful for my boyfriend. He knows what I've been through and how tough it is for me to deal with.. he even knows what triggers me into a depressive mood. We just recently made nine months together! <3 Uh- besides my family, he's all I have. I- don't have any friends online or in reality as he gets jealous very easily. I always have to delete any guy I talk to.. he's not forcing me too but he overthinks it all. I can understand where he's coming from though. He didn't know what the kink was when we first got together/met but when he had first read about it he was majorly grossed out from it. A bit after we we're dating, he said that he'd never get into it. Though, that changed after a bit and he started implementing more and more concepts into our daily lives. So, obviously there were some limits to how far into little space I could go. I was so used to calling him that and thinking it was perfectly okay but after the event today, which he said he'd been holding in for a little while, I don't know how to feel. Most of my life was based around DDlg and to just have the person who caused me to go into it not want to do that anymore-... 

I'm so heartbroken and lost- I feel as if it was just ripped out of my chest and thrown on the ground. He says he finds it cute but it just gets to him. So- after him saying that. He then proceeded to ask me to please still call him Daddy and Master during sexual activities. I don't know why that hurt more.. it just makes sense now. I know he's not using me for that, but since I was used for it so much in my past I can't help but think all the possibilities. I don't understand. He just took away the most crucial part of me and then goes to ask if I'll just keep it for his desires and that only. I simply can't do that-... 

 

I know I'm overreacting and all but I just- I really need someone to tell me its okay. Nothing feels okay to me right now. I hate overthinking like this. I might receive negative feedback-.. but I understand why. I'm sorry for typing so much. Thanks to those who read it... 

[Princess Daisie]

I'm kind of having this problem as well. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, and he has known about me being a Little since day 1. He was fine with it, but now he thinks it's too much... He thinks it's hot when it's for sexual reasons, but it weirds him out when I go into Little Space for non-sexual reasons. I don't get it? Does he not love me anymore? Am I just being too much? 

[Guest LizzieLoo]

I had an ex just like this and we were long distance. When I had told him about me bring little and how I used it to cope he was grossed out and said it was disgusting. I tried talking about it but he didn't even want to try to work it out. He also got very jealous about any other people in my life especially guys. I had his my feelings and tried to seem okay but anytime I told him about he would breakdown and say he wanted to kill himself. I was in love and we had dated for 2 years almost so I ignored all the red flags. It's not my place but this does worry me as it seems a bit toxic. All I can say is if he were truly the one he wouldn't have a problem with it. Maybe you need to take a step back and find out exactly what you want. If ddlg is something you have to have then make it known and discuss it. You shouldn't give up a coping mechanism for someone else. I did this and realised he was just manipulative and now I have the most amazing daddy that loves me no matter what and even helps me try to be little more. I think you should really think about this and tell him what u need or it's not going to workout. Hope you find what you're looking for. ❤

[popcornbaby]

There is nothing wrong with either of you. The guys are the issue here, they simply aren't wanting the same relationship that you want and need. They love you, but they aren't DD's. This isn't fair to carry on, for any of you. Definitely reccomend talking to them, and don't let them try to take ddlg away from you, you shouldn't have to change yourself for anyone! <3

[Huggybear]

I learned from a very long and toxic episode in my past that making great, permanent compromises for another person is not the answer, no matter how good the intention. It becomes overwhelming, a burden, toxic in the long run. Im reading several signs of this here, and nowadays when I start something with someone, I make a really big deal about being true to yourself and your feelings, really soulsearch when you're at a crossroads of shrugging your shoulders for "whatever" or actually opening your mouth and speaking your mind. I believe some of you are a victim of your SO making a compromise with something early on, thinking they could be ok with it and eventually coming back to that same crossroads. Its a ticking timebomb when you go against your instincts - especially in kink related relationships. Some things can grow on you over time, research and study helps, maybe there is some piece of information that helps one see things in a different light, but whatever it is, it needs to come from a want to learn and accept, that cant be forced.

Whatever happens, like popcornbaby said, Dont make that same mistake yourself, dont compromise and give away something dear just so you make your SO feel better, even if you love them very much. If there is a will, there is a way, encourage eachother to seek knowledge, study, go to the root of why it is so important, or why it is disgusting. Approach the problem from both ends, Allow eachother to make solid arguments in a friendly manner, a Meta talk if you will, a talk about the dynamic outside of the dynamic rules. You ladies gotta put big girl pants on for this one im afraid .

[AsleepAndDreaming]

Hi Kat,

 

I really hope what I'm about to say isn't going to hurt or upset you, but people (and circumstances) change. Your boyfriend might be the most amazing person in the world, but I'm not convinced he's a natural Daddy or a Caregiver. From what I know of the dynamic, there are Daddies in this world who feel like they are born to do this, born to look after people, born to make the decisions and to take control. They can be counsellors, lovers, nurturers and boyfriends all at the same time. 

 

That's just the way they are, and they don't find it difficult, in fact they love being that type of person - the same way that some people are Littles who can think of nothing more natural or comforting than going into Little Space and taking away all the pressures of the world, and for using it as a coping mechanism just like you do. 

 

I'm sorry but your boyfriend doesn't sound like that. This isn't to say that he's a bad person. In fact, you could say he's a good person for communicating with you and letting you know how he feels, and it's better that he does that than keeps it to himself and effectively lies. So I don't think you're overreacting at all, but I do wonder whether he understands the dynamic and whether you have fully explained to him exactly why you need Little Space, how it helps, how it makes you feel, and what it means to have his support. And if you really have done that, and his response was still that it freaks him out, then I'm really really sorry but you may need to ask yourself a really big question...

 

Would you rather have him as your "boyfriend" who doesn't totally understand what is happening and where your ability to be little around him is limited? Or would you rather try to find a natural Daddy who would understand 100% of the reasons for why you're a little? Because the guy you describe sounds like he's tried (to some extent) to be a Daddy for you but has not managed to get his head around it. 

[Guest Eshaseptm10]

Hi Kat,

I agree that communication is key in any relationship and would strongly encourage both of you to sit down and just be really clear about your emotions just so you know where you both stand really.

As for other coping methods whilst I understand him overthinking and getting jealous about you having friends- to some extent. I would strongly advise you against isolating yourself . Go out have some fun and meet new people. I understand it can be hard but its totally worth it in the end.

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

The boys you're referring to sound very selfish and manipulative. You all deserve better than this