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Sometimes I go home at night and cry myself to sleep


Guest DaddySadist_39

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Guest DaddySadist_39

So, Tuesday my grandfather on my mom's side (only one I've known as no relationship with biological sire) passed away. It was expected and he was literally surrounded by family that loved him as he passed at home, but still....

 

It's been almost four days and I haven't been able to mourn yet because my mom, aunt and grandma are super toxic to each other so I've just been soaking up their toxicity to try and help them through this.

 

It made me thing of something I wrote about twenty years ago so I wanted to post it here.

 

-------------

 

-Sometimes I go home at night and cry myself to sleep-

 

I'm an empath....worse than that really as I don't just feel how other people feel but I also will take it on myself if it helps them feel better.

 

Before I even knew what it was I would be in school growing up and I was one of the ones people made fun of all the time. I was too much of a jock for the nerds and too nerdy for the jocks so I got it from both sides.

 

There are others like me and I've known some personally and some just from online.

 

We take the abuse whether mental, emotional, verbal, and in some cases physical.

 

We take it upon ourselves and we hold it in and push it down so tight even though it hurts because we figure it's better we hurt than anyone else.

 

When I was in ninth grade Home Economics I was group mates with someone that didn't like me and during the year his mom passed. One day not long after I said something off the wall and he laughed and said " 'DS' you're messed up my friend" and paused a moment before saying "no, you're just messed up" leaving out the friend part.

 

He was hurting and I knew he needed a friend and saw it in me for a moment before he reverted back. I took that pain from him for just a moment and kept it for myself.

 

There's a catch to being like me though.

 

No matter how hard you push down on other people's pain and how tight you lock it into yourself there is only so much room in your body.

 

So I go home at night sometimes and cry into my pillow.

 

My pillow is my one constant, or rather the pillowcase. I'll keep a pillowcase until it falls apart with giant holes in it because it's what soaks up the pain and sorrow when it has to escape in the form of tears.

 

You don't have to like us, we work better when you don't actually. You don't even have to respect us because then you might recognize what we're doing.

 

Every so often though, at night when you're sleeping without crying into your pillow, think about those like me that take your pain upon ourselves.

 

Sometimes I go home at night and cry myself to sleep.

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❤❤

I understand and I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not an easy road. Take care of yourself and make time to grieve.

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So, Tuesday my grandfather on my mom's side (only one I've known as no relationship with biological sire) passed away. It was expected and he was literally surrounded by family that loved him as he passed at home, but still....

 

It's been almost four days and I haven't been able to mourn yet because my mom, aunt and grandma are super toxic to each other so I've just been soaking up their toxicity to try and help them through this.

 

It made me thing of something I wrote about twenty years ago so I wanted to post it here.

 

-------------

 

-Sometimes I go home at night and cry myself to sleep-

 

I'm an empath....worse than that really as I don't just feel how other people feel but I also will take it on myself if it helps them feel better.

 

Before I even knew what it was I would be in school growing up and I was one of the ones people made fun of all the time. I was too much of a jock for the nerds and too nerdy for the jocks so I got it from both sides.

 

There are others like me and I've known some personally and some just from online.

 

We take the abuse whether mental, emotional, verbal, and in some cases physical.

 

We take it upon ourselves and we hold it in and push it down so tight even though it hurts because we figure it's better we hurt than anyone else.

 

When I was in ninth grade Home Economics I was group mates with someone that didn't like me and during the year his mom passed. One day not long after I said something off the wall and he laughed and said " 'DS' you're messed up my friend" and paused a moment before saying "no, you're just messed up" leaving out the friend part.

 

He was hurting and I knew he needed a friend and saw it in me for a moment before he reverted back. I took that pain from him for just a moment and kept it for myself.

 

There's a catch to being like me though.

 

No matter how hard you push down on other people's pain and how tight you lock it into yourself there is only so much room in your body.

 

So I go home at night sometimes and cry into my pillow.

 

My pillow is my one constant, or rather the pillowcase. I'll keep a pillowcase until it falls apart with giant holes in it because it's what soaks up the pain and sorrow when it has to escape in the form of tears.

 

You don't have to like us, we work better when you don't actually. You don't even have to respect us because then you might recognize what we're doing.

 

Every so often though, at night when you're sleeping without crying into your pillow, think about those like me that take your pain upon ourselves.

 

Sometimes I go home at night and cry myself to sleep.

 

I'm sorry to hear about loss. It's okay to cry and grieve, it will help you feel better.

My prayers are with you; may your grandfather rest in peace. Amen. 

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I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather, coping with loss is hard at the best of times, but when your an empath and surrounded by people who can't regulate them selves, its even harder still. Your writing resonates with me, because i've had and still have one of those pillowcases, its been mentioned in a few of my posts. I've had one since some messed up childhood trauma when i needed something to always be there for me when my family couldn't be. Thank you for sharing it with us, and i hope you manage to find some quiet place to grieve for your own self soon... <3

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Guest clumsy_little

My favorite uncle passed away last year due to heart attack. We were pretty close and would always fool around. I know that it's a difficult phase. Now they are two types of people. One, who'll mourn and then throw away anything related to that person to move on, sometimes even shift to another city. Now I'm from the other category. I started writing all the good memories we had, the stuff toys he bought, our morning jogs, the amusement park, national park and how we sarcastically made fun of the relatives who believe in taboos and superstitions, etc. I even went through the photos, how we first met him while sneaking our aunt for her date with him, the hangout places, their marriage, etc. I think that since I was so focused on the good memories, it got easy for me to move on over his death and accept that he's no longer between us. 

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