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    How do i nicely tell my coworker i don't wanna move in with with him


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    #1 Baby Bunny Boo

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    Posted 27 June 2020 - 07:09 PM

    A few months ago I was talking with my coworker friend who I've only known for about two months at that point that I wanted to move out. He suggested that we move in together and I politely said No at the time. Today he asked me again what my situation is and when I plan to move out and again brought up the idea of moving in together. I was extremely uncomfortable but I didn't know how to tell him in a nice way did I would never do that. I also think he has a crush on me and I do not think about him that way at all. Keep in mind that he is on the high-functioning end of autism so I figured he'd maybe just didn't pick up on my social cues of being uncomfortable but regardless I don't think of him that way and don't want to move in with him.

    #2 Glänzen

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    Posted 27 June 2020 - 07:20 PM

    I mean I would just be up front about it. Like just say, the offer is nice but unfortunately, no thank you I don't plan on moving in with someone. But that's just me, I'm not the tactfullist person. I'd probably just directly say No I'm not moving in with you, I don't see you as a romantic interest nor are we close friends like that, I'm sorry but that puts me in an uncomfortable situation and I don't want that.  


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    #3 LeftyGuitar

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    Posted 27 June 2020 - 07:20 PM

    If he's on the high end of the functioning autism spectrum, then he probably doesn't get the social cues. I know I always don't. I've gotten better, but still. You're bes bet would be to politely decline again and tell him you don't feel the same way about him or you know, let him down easy. Just what I'd do if I was in that position.


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    #4 Aetherr

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    Posted 27 June 2020 - 08:53 PM

    i agree with lefty, be firm and direct, people with autism tend to respond to that better

     

    im amazed that he has the confidence to suggest something like that, goes well beyond what i would be willing to do

     

    but yeah just say no and that you would prefer he didnt ask about it anymore


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    #5 Alaskan Daddy

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    Posted 27 June 2020 - 09:42 PM

    The first thing I would tell you is that you are not in charge of any person's feelings of how they may react when you are honest with them.  All you can do is to be honest  with him in a kind and gentle way. Let him know that you appreciate his offer and you are flattered with the way he feels about you. But you will also need to tell him you do not have the same kind of feelings towards him that he has towards you. He may not take the rejection well, but are not to blame for how he may react. I would also let him know that you don't want him to ask you anything again about moving in with him, I know this is hard but you did not ask him for his advances. Your feelings are just as important as his are. As long as you are honest and kind, that is all you can do


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    #6 baby_k

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    Posted 28 June 2020 - 04:05 AM

    I find this question interesting as I have encountered similar situations a lot in my life. And when we talk of a collegue, it gets really complicated often.

     

    People often say it's good to be up front but in my experience if you go tell "that sort of dude" that you are not into them "out of blue", situation escalates in negative way often - and not just so that they are nasty on that moment but they hold some crudge for long and act up in really negative ways. With most people you can do that but not with all, and risk of that being bad idea with socially unskilled and pushy dudes grows alot. I guess that statement hurts the dude's ego and then there comes the "who you think you are". ( Where as it seems to go lot better if the dude up front asks you out and you then refuse in nice way and explain the situation. )

     

    One extra issue with "these dudes" who have social issues and who put you in uncomfortable situation is that they are SUPER persistent sometimes. So, telling them 'no' now means nothing and some months later, the same sh*t goes on again. Like with one collegue of mine I told him really stearnly that I do not want to mix work and freetime, and I do not meet nor talk with collegues unless it is work  ( this was lie as I don't really mind it, I just don't want anything to do with him ) -still again some months after he is trying to get me to go somewhere with him again. And this has been going on years: he backs off after I explode to him or start being real dick but then after I treat him in less hostile way ( as he seems to be keeping himself in line ), same crap starts going on. Really frustrating and bit creepy dude with whom I need to keep my guard up which I find really tiresome, and he doesn't seem to respond to talking nor to these explosions.

     

    Anyhow,

    The situation is in no way your fault and you are not responsible of his hurt feelings or how he behaves. You owe him NOTHING.

     

    But if someone would have some good ideas how to handle with these in way that they won't escale: I'm all ears! o_O

     

    Depending on your situation and the dude, I might be upfront ( if he seems like being able to take it ), or I would just move somewhere and then tell him about it, or tell that I want my freedom by living with myself/some specific friend ( and I would start that convo myself, not when he is asking. Or get my cother collegues back me up with talking of it. If he won't take the "hint", means you have really difficult case in your hands and you need to act accordingly with no guilt ).

     

     

    ( And if you wonder why I encounter these a lot: my field of work means I work almost only with males and many of them have lacks in social skills -> I unfortunately have a lot of data and experience with these... ).



    #7 MysticSand

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    Posted 28 June 2020 - 01:54 PM

    I honestly think a simple excuse like "I only want to live with someone of the same gender" would be fine.

    I'm assuming you guys don't hang out outside of work so even if you did end up with a male roommate, he wouldn't have to know.

     

    Sure, you could be direct with him and tell him you'd rather not.

    That may be a can of worms though, especially since you're coworkers.

    Personally, I'd try to find a way out of it with one reason or another why it wouldn't work out.


    “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” -Dr. Seuss





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