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Guest mariposa

Hi i just really wanted to get this out of chest and ask for advice/have insight on what others have of this as i'm not feeling too well. 

 

But I just had dinner (it really wasn't much as i've gotten used to having small dinners) but i was craving something sweet. I obviously didn't want to get something huge or binge on something rlly unhealthy (as i've done in the past) so i grabbed a low calorie/low sugar cookie and the smallest glass of milk. But during this I had a family member come in and see me and get really mad at me saying that i was eating too much and only allowing myself to get fatter and that everything i was doing was for nothing. This made me feel really upset and so I snapped because body image is such a sensitive topic for me. I know they meant it as them trying to help out, but it really came out as them shaming me and i feel really terrible about myself.

 

Weight has been something I've struggled with my whole life. I've gained and stayed the same for most of my life until now. I've managed to lose so much weight in the past months (for health purposes but also for the sake of bettering my mental health) and it's something I'm really proud of. But because of it and the way I looked in the past, I've always been body shamed. As a kid I was always fat shamed and bullied because I was overweight by my family and my friends. But now that i've lost weight, I get skinny shamed and it just never stops. No matter what weight I am, my family always has something to say or point out. Whether it's the bones peeping through my skin or the fact that I say I wana lose more weight. They tell me "no you're too skinny now" or "you're crazy are you trying to look dried up" and it really just makes me feel like trash even though I know those statements aren't true. I just wana reach the weight im supposed to be in and become healthier. I was even called anorexic by my uncle saying that with the way im going i was going to develop it and man it breaks me. 

 

Has anyone ever experienced this before and if so, do you have any advice?? I try to block things that happen like this, but it hits too close to home sometimes. 

 

 

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Guest Thunder Sprite

FWIW, your family's commentary strikes me as quite toxic.

 

Weight is a function of many factors, diet being only one of them. Genetics, activity levels, gut flora, thyroid function… all play a very significant role. Because of this, there's usually a "point of diminishing return" insofar as controlling diet, and it's different for everyone. Whatever amount of effort seems reasonable and not strenuous to you is probably about right, IMO. I personally consider occasional treats very important to my overall well-being.

 

Also, I'm sure you're aware that there are clinical medical guidelines (based primarily on height) for what defines underweight or overweight. Anything well in between those numbers is normal healthy weight, and any criticisms about it really reflect entirely upon the critic.

 

I'm sorry your family isn't more empathetic.

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Wow, your family is horrible! They aren't showing concert at all by being nasty and negative about it. If you losing so much weight was a real worry of theirs they would approach you in an empathetic manner and try to talk to you about their worry and ask how they could help or support you. They are doing the exact opposite by belittling, shaming, and degrading you.

 

These are the kind of people you can NEVER please. For some reason it felt good to them to put you down, and now either it still feels good or they're jealous by your progress. I know when in direct contact with that kind of abuse it is hard to just ignore and not listen to them, but that is what you have to do if you cannot find a way to get away very soon. My advice would be to work on towards moving out and away if you can. If they keep treating you poorly they could very well force you to gain a complex or an eating disorder. If they make you feel bad about food and everything else of course you're going to have a very negative relationship with food which is NOT right.

 

I wish I had more advice, but all I can say is try to get away from them and try to remind yourself that food doesn't have to be a bad thing and it's possible to have a very healthy and fulfilling relationship with food. 

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Most likely people above are totally correct but I would like to note that people around you giving nasty comments actually may also do it out of love and caring.

 

It is absolutely horrible experience to see your loved one mistreating their body and slowly killing themselves - whether with too much or too little food or other bad life style habits. And quite rarely people are collected enough to be able to act in rational manner, and support the other person in the best way possible. Instead they allow their own fears come out like with "you are eating again???!!!!", or "you look so horribly skinny :(".

 

Shaming is pretty natural way of trying to make someone stop whatever bad stuff they do. It often is pretty affective, and shame helps us not to act like absolute barbarians for it protects us collectivly from unwanted behaviours as we are social creatures. Obviously specially with depression and over eating anxieties the affect can be opposite for many as they don't have proper coping mechanisms but start treating the shame with the things causing shame ( like eating ). And it comes a tail spin.

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I have to respectfully disagree on shaming like that to be out of love. It seems abusive mentally, verbally, and emotionally. Especially since her family seems unhappy no matter what she does. You're not helping if your words are painful and hurt and create shame. They're on a dangerous path to making her have an eating disorder and it's awful.

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You have to come to terms that is just the kind of people your family are and learn to ignore it, people busy talking about everyone else except themselves does not mean they are perfect, it just means that they realize they are not interesting enough to talk about XD

 

I don't know what is like to be bullied, I have a pretty strong personality so I am the kind that would either ignore or if in a nasty mood turn the tables and shame them :/ I was also very fit my whole life so no issues there.

 

However, with pregnancy I gained A LOT of weight and couldn't shake it off, because my tummy grew so much that it was not only left over fat but also stretched skin >_< sorry to be creepy graphic but it's just the kind of thing that diet and exercise will not fix on it's own, not that I got any close with those. Anyways for the first time I got a taste of condescending comments about my appearance and I felt so horrible about myself that I couldn't answer back or ignore it. I would cry myself to sleep and kick myself for taking things for granted.

 

They kept talking about me like I had been fat and lazy my whole life... even though only about a year before I had been fit and the years before that as well! you would think they would be a bit more supportive and forgiving, I was in shock every time I would see myself in the mirror not recognizing myself, my whole life suddenly didn't matter, my healthy habits and efforts didn't matter, all that mattered was my now and apparently what they thought was my "forever" telling me how it was impossible to change.

 

I lost the weight, got a tummytuck (plastic surgery to fix mommy tummy) and now I look like I've looked my whole life... now it's like being fat never happened, not one mention of it. Also because I look exactly like I did before my pregnancy, a lot of people forget I actually had surgery, people who had not seen me in years could never guessed all I went through to get back to my "normal" which took me about 4 years where I had to deal with health issues as complication of my weight not to mention the surgery recover was quite brutal.

 

As contrast I have a friend who was always obese and managed to get fit pretty fast once she set her mind to it. I am super proud of her, her mother's side is all extremely obese so it was not easy to have that bad example so close by, family meetings were torture. Once she got in her right way her efforts were dismissed saying "oh you have always taken after your father's side"... so apparently all that diet and exercise and her being BORN obese did not matter :/

 

I do agree with baby about how some people shame out of love, is it positive or effective? nope, but it just shows that is the only way they know how, it's a bit sad really. I believe those who have mentioned your efforts will be wasted have your best interest deep down because they know you still have a bit to go to get to your goal. The ones that mention anorexia, too skinny and dried up is quite toxic and I bet they are just jealous and probably overweight themselves.

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