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Need some relationship advice


JohnApple
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**If this would belong better somewhere else, I apologize, but it's not exactly DDLG related so I didn't know where to put it**

 

So I am in need of some advice as I've ended up in a situation I really didn't expect myself to ever be in. It's nothing huge or scary or anything, but I'm just at a lost for what to do. I'll try to give the SparkNotes version of the backstory.

 

So back in 2013 I met a girl. We actually went to high school together, but I never noticed her. Anyway, I thought she was cute, she thought I was cute, so we started hanging out and by the end of the year, we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. She was awesome: she shared my sense of humor, we liked the same activities, and we both shared some similar kinks. On top of that, we shared "life views" as well, such as both being non-religious, both never wanting children, and both wanting to travel the world instead of settling down in one house. We shared so much in common, that I was sort of at a disbelief that I could find someone I was so compatible with.

 

Our relationship was great for the majority of the time. We hardly ever argued, never seriously, and we spent lots of time together. On top of that, she also loved the DDLG side of the relationship and was the most involved little I've ever had. Our relationship was essentially perfect for 6 or 7 months. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, she began acting up. She started accusing me of cheating when I went to work. She would think that I was purposely avoiding her if I told her I was going to bed after a long day. She would ask me "Who is she?" when I said I was going to hang out with a friend, even if that friend was male. Or a family member. Basically, she became really insecure of our relationship and starting doubting every single thing I did, like it had a double meaning. I tried for the next couple of months to prove to her that I had nothing to hide (even though I shouldn't have to, she should have trusted me), and things would look up for a few days, until she slipped right back into the same "you're hiding something" routine.

 

It eventually became unbearable. I couldn't brush my teeth without having my motives questioned. She started getting mean toward me because she just didn't trust me, for whatever reason. I was heartbroken because of this, and I couldn't handle it anymore, so I broke it off. Then she became even MORE mean and started saying all sorts of hurtful things toward me. I ended up blocking her so I wouldn't have to hear it. She started complaining to her friends and my friends about it. Most of them knew she was being irrational and for lack of a better term, crazy, but a few sided with her. Anyway, I cut off all contact and stayed single for a while, then started dating again and tried to move on as she became part of my past.

 

Nearly two years pass, and I haven't had much luck dating other girls. I can't seem to "click" how I did with my ex-little. Not too long ago though, I received a message from her asking how I was doing. We spent a long time talking, and catching up, seeing what's changed in each others' lives. I agreed to get together with her so we could talk some more, specifically about what happened between us. When we did, she basically broke down crying and apologized for everything she had down and how she treated me. I don't think I have ever seen someone so sad in my life. It truly felt sincere, and I forgave her. She said she hadn't found anyone like me since we broke up either, and she wishes things could've been different.

 

We've hung out a few more times, to catch up and to try and patch a friendship. And it's been surprisingly going well. We click instantly again, and she's the same girl I used to know, but now more mature and with her life put-together. My feelings for her have been rejuvenated and I feel genuinely happy with her, unlike others I've tried to date since we broke it off.

 

But I don't know if it's a good idea to pursue her again. She really did hurt me with the things she said to me and about me to other people. On the other hand, she seems like she's really changed for the better, and she's admitted having feelings for me too still. Everything feels right for her. But can people really change like that? Does everyone deserve a second chance? I have no idea what to do, and my friends are no help. Is it worth it to try again? Should I not even bother and just stay as friends and continue trying to find someone else I'm super compatible with? I've never needed advice like I do now!

 

If you've read this far, I sincerely thank you!

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You said the magic words right there, " she became really insecure of our relationship". I've felt like that before and it was mostly because I wasn't getting enough attention. I don't know much or anything at all about her but if she loved all the attention you gave her maybe when you weren't with her she felt alone and started overthinking things. She might've said those hurtful things because she was hurt herself. She also might've said things she didn't mean (I've done that before too and instantly regretted it)

I know it's hard to bring things up from the past but you should talk about it and ask if it was because she needed a little more attention. If you feel in your heart that you would like to try again with her, then you should. I do believe people deserve second chances, like I said she might've said some things because she was hurt & didn't know how else to express it. You don't know if it's gonna be worth it until you try, but I would say to take it slow. Be friends for a while, and if you see any more red flags then maybe it would be time to find someone else.

Good luck :)

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 Wow, this is a tricky one, but I'll try my best to sort through it and give you my two cents. Firstly, as you may already realize, the reason she was accusing you is probably because she was the one actually cheating. I speak from experience on this one. When your partner suddenly starts being hyper vigilant over your actions and whereabouts, accusing you of sneaking off and fooling around, it's because they are projecting their own guilt onto you. They also want to know exactly where you are and who you're with so they can send that quick text to whomever they're seeing on the side to make a fast plan for some action. I know that may be hard to hear, but I think you need to know that 9 times out of 10, this behavior is a red flag for infidelity.

 

 Maybe she got bored, or maybe she wanted another man's attention for whatever reason it is some people seem to drift out of an otherwise loving and committed relationship. Your guess is as good as mine on that matter. I've never cheated, but I've been cheated on, and it hurt me deeply. Now, having said that, consider it for a moment. Do you want to go back to someone who threw you away for a fling? Think about it seriously. I realize it's a painful situation for you, and I am sincerely trying to help you, not hurt your feelings.

 

 I understand that you have very strong feelings for this young lady, I've been there myself. Perhaps being separated for a while made her realize that she really missed out by sabotaging your relationship before. Maybe she's ready to grow up and take things seriously this time, maybe not. I think you need to seriously weigh that out in your mind and heart before you move forward. Also, you need to address this issue with her head on, with no room for evasiveness. She needs to understand that faithfulness is mandatory without exception, if that's what you require. Be clear, be concise, be firm. Make your expectations clear to her that there will not be a repeat of the same shenanigans this time around.

 

 That's my perspective on this matter, speaking from my own experiences in life. You seem like a very genuine and good hearted individual, and I wish you the very best. I hope this was helpful to you in some way. Best wishes on your journey moving forward.

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You said the magic words right there, " she became really insecure of our relationship". I've felt like that before and it was mostly because I wasn't getting enough attention. I don't know much or anything at all about her but if she loved all the attention you gave her maybe when you weren't with her she felt alone and started overthinking things. She might've said those hurtful things because she was hurt herself. She also might've said things she didn't mean (I've done that before too and instantly regretted it)

I know it's hard to bring things up from the past but you should talk about it and ask if it was because she needed a little more attention. If you feel in your heart that you would like to try again with her, then you should. I do believe people deserve second chances, like I said she might've said some things because she was hurt & didn't know how else to express it. You don't know if it's gonna be worth it until you try, but I would say to take it slow. Be friends for a while, and if you see any more red flags then maybe it would be time to find someone else.

Good luck :)

 

Thank you very much for your words! You may be right, she may have felt like she wasn't getting enough attention (even though we saw each other nearly every day). I did work a lot though and had school as well. I don't believe that makes her actions justified, but I will definitely take things slow and see how they pan out. Thanks again :)

 

 Wow, this is a tricky one, but I'll try my best to sort through it and give you my two cents. Firstly, as you may already realize, the reason she was accusing you is probably because she was the one actually cheating. I speak from experience on this one. When your partner suddenly starts being hyper vigilant over your actions and whereabouts, accusing you of sneaking off and fooling around, it's because they are projecting their own guilt onto you. They also want to know exactly where you are and who you're with so they can send that quick text to whomever they're seeing on the side to make a fast plan for some action. I know that may be hard to hear, but I think you need to know that 9 times out of 10, this behavior is a red flag for infidelity.

 

 Maybe she got bored, or maybe she wanted another man's attention for whatever reason it is some people seem to drift out of an otherwise loving and committed relationship. Your guess is as good as mine on that matter. I've never cheated, but I've been cheated on, and it hurt me deeply. Now, having said that, consider it for a moment. Do you want to go back to someone who threw you away for a fling? Think about it seriously. I realize it's a painful situation for you, and I am sincerely trying to help you, not hurt your feelings.

 

 I understand that you have very strong feelings for this young lady, I've been there myself. Perhaps being separated for a while made her realize that she really missed out by sabotaging your relationship before. Maybe she's ready to grow up and take things seriously this time, maybe not. I think you need to seriously weigh that out in your mind and heart before you move forward. Also, you need to address this issue with her head on, with no room for evasiveness. She needs to understand that faithfulness is mandatory without exception, if that's what you require. Be clear, be concise, be firm. Make your expectations clear to her that there will not be a repeat of the same shenanigans this time around.

 

 That's my perspective on this matter, speaking from my own experiences in life. You seem like a very genuine and good hearted individual, and I wish you the very best. I hope this was helpful to you in some way. Best wishes on your journey moving forward.

 

 

Thank you as well! Though it may sound naive for me to say, I know for a fact she did not cheat on me. I've been cheated on before in previous relationships before the one we had, and I knew the signs to look out for. She was a very, very genuine and faithful person and I would not have been with her if I had the slightest doubt she was cheating on me. Though, she still committed some very hurtful acts, like trying to spread rumors about me and trying to claim things that never happened. Like I said, she seems much more matured now and sincerely sorry for what she did. I was willing to forgive her, but my friends not so much which may be the bigger problem. My friends mean everything to me, and if they can't accept her than there's no way our relationship would work out.

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Hi JohnApple I'm only new here but your post caught my eye and I'd like to offer my advice.

 

Firstly I'm glad you're not just assuming your partner was a cheat as suggested above, there are plenty of people who for many reasons are insecure. The relationship that you had together in the begining sounds very special and I'm sure she regrets being a big part of the downfall of it. For you two to successfully enter in to a new healthy relationship together it would be important for her to have identified and worked on some of the issues in herself that make her insecure, it's also important for her to be completely honest in letting you know what they are so you can help alleviate them and for her to inform you of where you may have went wrong before.

 

The most important tool for you two is complete an open communication even if that means sitting down every day, once a week or month whatever suits and discussing where you are both at. I would imagine this would have to be something you would intiate and that you would have to encourage her to speak openly about her feelings and thoughts even if they are erratic at times so you can reassure her and help her lay them to rest. I'll be honest in saying I don't believe you two can just be friends, where feeling are involved it's often too hard to have a healthy platonic relationship. I'd say give it another go keep things slow and communicate or cut ties once and for all.

 

Best of luck to you both

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Guest New Kitten

I'm probably just going to repeat what everyone else has already said, but hey, it's nice to get multiple responses. Like everyone else has already said, you really need to sit down and talk with this girl and say, "Hey, all those things you did and said were hurtful and I didn't appreciate how you spoke of me to other people. I never cheated on you then and I never will now. What made you think that?" you really need an answer to that question. Because say it's as simple as she wanted more attention, then you can fix it almost immediately and if it's complex then you have an idea of what to do or not to do. I bet it's exciting reconnecting like this but don't rush and try to find out what went wrong so history doesn't repeat itself. I always say you shouldn't date someone you don't get along with fundamentally and it sounds like you do. So I would pursue this but with caution.

And I might as well throw this in there. She could be struggling with mental health issues. I had an ex I treated the same way, always accusing him of something and yelling at him and always crying and I never knew why. A few months after he dumped me I was diagnosed with sevre anxiety and now my doctor thinks I might have bipolar disorder. She's probably fine but you might as well ask if everything is fine.

Hope this is somewhat helpful

Good luck

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Hi JohnApple I'm only new here but your post caught my eye and I'd like to offer my advice.

 

Firstly I'm glad you're not just assuming your partner was a cheat as suggested above, there are plenty of people who for many reasons are insecure. The relationship that you had together in the begining sounds very special and I'm sure she regrets being a big part of the downfall of it. For you two to successfully enter in to a new healthy relationship together it would be important for her to have identified and worked on some of the issues in herself that make her insecure, it's also important for her to be completely honest in letting you know what they are so you can help alleviate them and for her to inform you of where you may have went wrong before.

 

The most important tool for you two is complete an open communication even if that means sitting down every day, once a week or month whatever suits and discussing where you are both at. I would imagine this would have to be something you would intiate and that you would have to encourage her to speak openly about her feelings and thoughts even if they are erratic at times so you can reassure her and help her lay them to rest. I'll be honest in saying I don't believe you two can just be friends, where feeling are involved it's often too hard to have a healthy platonic relationship. I'd say give it another go keep things slow and communicate or cut ties once and for all.

 

Best of luck to you both

 

Thank you, communication will definitely be the most important factor in this relationship if it is to work again. I would definitely explain to her how I feel and what needs to be done in order to maintain a healthy relationship and to address and prevent what happened before (should we get together again). I do have a lot of strong feelings for her that never waned, but it's going to take a lot of work on both fronts if this is to be repaired.

 

I'm probably just going to repeat what everyone else has already said, but hey, it's nice to get multiple responses. Like everyone else has already said, you really need to sit down and talk with this girl and say, "Hey, all those things you did and said were hurtful and I didn't appreciate how you spoke of me to other people. I never cheated on you then and I never will now. What made you think that?" you really need an answer to that question. Because say it's as simple as she wanted more attention, then you can fix it almost immediately and if it's complex then you have an idea of what to do or not to do. I bet it's exciting reconnecting like this but don't rush and try to find out what went wrong so history doesn't repeat itself. I always say you shouldn't date someone you don't get along with fundamentally and it sounds like you do. So I would pursue this but with caution.

And I might as well throw this in there. She could be struggling with mental health issues. I had an ex I treated the same way, always accusing him of something and yelling at him and always crying and I never knew why. A few months after he dumped me I was diagnosed with sevre anxiety and now my doctor thinks I might have bipolar disorder. She's probably fine but you might as well ask if everything is fine.

Hope this is somewhat helpful

Good luck

 

Thank you, too! A sit-down, heart-to-heart is most definitely needed here and we've 'sort of' had that already. But a deeper one will be needed if we decide to be together again. You make an interesting point about mental health issues. It sounds like that could be the case with her, though obviously I'm not very knowledgable on the subject. I did find out that she is now taking some sort of medication "to help her out" though she didn't say any more about it.

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Guest New Kitten

Thank you, communication will definitely be the most important factor in this relationship if it is to work again. I would definitely explain to her how I feel and what needs to be done in order to maintain a healthy relationship and to address and prevent what happened before (should we get together again). I do have a lot of strong feelings for her that never waned, but it's going to take a lot of work on both fronts if this is to be repaired.

 

 

 

Thank you, too! A sit-down, heart-to-heart is most definitely needed here and we've 'sort of' had that already. But a deeper one will be needed if we decide to be together again. You make an interesting point about mental health issues. It sounds like that could be the case with her, though obviously I'm not very knowledgable on the subject. I did find out that she is now taking some sort of medication "to help her out" though she didn't say any more about it.

I would definitely ask about that! (gently of course)

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Guest wet4Daddy

/: hmm

One thing I would say actually is to NOT keep going over the past. It happened. It's done, gone and nothing can change it. Keeping going over the "time she hurt you real bad" will make her (& probably you) feel bad and if there was a problem type problem, it just drags it all up again.

 

With Daddy, any mistakes or anything are forgiven and then forgotten. It's too easy to use past errors as a weapon in a relationship.(conversations tend to get real nasty once you're into "yeah well that time you did x,y,z years ago really hurt.." It's of no help to anyone)

 

Maybe I'm wrong as my opinion seems to be different. But I just think you should enjoy what she (and you) is/are like *now* and not try to complicate things by freaking out about the past.

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/: hmm

One thing I would say actually is to NOT keep going over the past. It happened. It's done, gone and nothing can change it. Keeping going over the "time she hurt you real bad" will make her (& probably you) feel bad and if there was a problem type problem, it just drags it all up again.

 

With Daddy, any mistakes or anything are forgiven and then forgotten. It's too easy to use past errors as a weapon in a relationship.(conversations tend to get real nasty once you're into "yeah well that time you did x,y,z years ago really hurt.." It's of no help to anyone)

 

Maybe I'm wrong as my opinion seems to be different. But I just think you should enjoy what she (and you) is/are like *now* and not try to complicate things by freaking out about the past.

 

Thank you for offering your advice, really! I appreciate it all! Yours being different than others reminds me that there is no one "blanket" solution to our relationship. I realize that I have to weigh the different ways to approach this and decide what is best for the situation at hand. Although what she did was major (not just a simple temper tantrum), I don't know if bringing it up once again will accomplish anything other than making her more upset. However, I think we DO need to communicate more and discuss things we need to do so that something like that isn't repeated.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I find this interesting, but I am not sure you need any of us. You are happy, you are spending time with this person, I suspect you are simply looking for confirmation for your actions rather than advice. Advice usually comes before we make a decision, and I'm sure you thought this out in a million ways in your head the moment you got her note. You took action, so I'm not sure you need the help you think you do.

 

I don't say that to be mean or harsh. You know better than a million internet experts, be confident! You made the choice, own it and see where the path goes. Do people deserve second chances? Do you ever deserve a second chance? I do, and sometimes a third and a seventh chance .

 

What is the worst that comes of this? You get a couple more months of being happy, learn some lessons, get your heart broken and walk away wiser than before? That's how life works. Whether with this girl, a different girl, a buddy, a coworker, or a pet, you get some happy mixed with frustration and you spend time figuring out what it means. Lather, rinse, repeat. Don't overthink it, get out and live life on your terms!

 

Lastly, I will say the past isn't a flawless predictor of the future. There are too many wonderful variables in this world to think anyone can predict events or outcomes. We want structure and certainty, but the universe doesn't operate off of those constructs. Think of it this way... We are all more like weather people than we like to believe! You take all the data you have and make good decisions but it will still storm on a day that was supposed to be sunny and so on.

 

You got this, follow your gut! It's really the journey that matters and not the destination!

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Guest LexiGremlin

I have gotten like that with exes in the past. But that was because I had been cheated on NUMEROUS times. My girlfriend now though is pretty good at handling my insecurities though. We never fight and if we do, it ends with me explaining WHY I feel the way I do.

 

If you want to pursue her, make sure she had help. I know from experience that things like that do not just "go away". It takes time, and a commitment. The person needs to WANT to change or it'll be the same thing over and over again. It took therapy and a 2 year break from ALL relationships while I bettered myself to get to where I am now.

 

So I would say, try it. If she goes back to her old ways again, then leave and do not look back. It also sounds like a case of emotional abuse, which is NEVER okay. You should not feel scared to hang out with anyone. I hope it works out. Keep us updated, but please be smart too and don't rush into things. And leave if there's warning signs again.

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