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    #1 CatboyAdrian

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    Posted 17 October 2020 - 12:36 PM

    This is just a question for everyone in general but recently I have found that I hold conversations. And there reach a points where even I have no idea how to respond and things just die! I will explain just a bit:

    I have found that with some people I have talked with over Kik and other websites just don’t carry on conversations . I will chat with them and things seem to go well for the first few minutes but then the conversation never gets past the “hi how are you stage.” Now I am a natural introvert and being socially awkward the only things I know on continuing conversations is to ask questions so I can see what we can relate to and what we can talk about! Kinda like fishing for a middle ground but this is where it gets difficult.

    I will either receive quick answers or something that is a one to two word response. They don’t engage in a conversation or try to “talk” and so I get bored trying to be the only one giving an effort. It makes me feel like I am just not interesting enough and that they find me boring or prying. I just get really confused as to what I am supposed to do. I generally get along really well with people who are extroverts and want to talk and ask a billion questions! And I always get drawn to people like that so I can say less and just hear them talk about their day or whatever!

    But I genuinely feel like I am the only one trying to know more about the person. And it gets exhausting because I love to talk about my feelings and I want to be open but I don’t like to constantly try and tell people the answer to my own question if that makes sense? I guess the best way I explain is like I want to feel like they want to know more about me and when they ask questions or talk to me about how they feel I guess I feel like I am more intriguing to them.

    Anyway I was just wondering if this is something you guys have had happen to you and how you go about handling it. Not only that but what would be some ways that I can be more intriguing and keep conversations going?! Do I need to find another way of starting conversations or what do I need to do?

    Edited by CatboyAdrian, 17 October 2020 - 12:37 PM.

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    #2 baby_k

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    Posted 17 October 2020 - 01:14 PM

    Convo is always two way street.

     

    Personally I HATE these "hi, how are you", and almost don't answer as that is just so much wasted time in pointless nonsense. What I do like is when someone just talks of something that I can then somehow respond. Maybe it is just about their day, some new revelation, idea, opinion, story or about their history...

     

    When the converstaion flows, you kinda naturally go from topic to topic, and feel understood and feel connection: "this person gets me, even if they have different ( but cool! ) view of things".

     

    I try to ask questions, so it makes it easier to respond to me. But often if convo is nice, there is no need for questions. Some people just click. Even I suspect it requires good timing when both are not occupied with something else and are open to have real convo.

     

    Sorry, don't have really any good tips for this except that: some convos just are not meant to be, and that's okay. Not everyone is every second in space where they can have decent conversations. And it's also a skill to learn to talk with others, and requires both parties to try there. ( Even with best convos, there is no need to even try, it just happens ).



    #3 Vampiress

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    Posted 17 October 2020 - 01:24 PM

    Unfortunately, I don't have any tips either. I am extremely introverted and I struggle to hold long-term conversations with most people. It does help if the person is showing noticeable effort to encourage you to put in similar effort, but a lot of people don't even bother... I do understand as an introvert sometimes people will run out of things to say for the time being, but a lot of those people don't come back for another conversation which is also another struggle. I wish I had the answers, but unfortunately I think I'm just stuck with having nice longer conversations with a select few people and that's fine with me.


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    #4 Teasing Tink

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    Posted 17 October 2020 - 07:07 PM

    I wouldn't take it personally. I don't think it has to do with you not being interesting enough. You're not going to be compatible or have chemistry with every person you come across though. It can be hard to find a good connection like that, so it's not just you. If someone is giving one word answers, they're probably not very invested in the connection or just a poor conversationalist. Possibly both. I don't think it's really an extrovert/introvert thing. I'm a shy introvert, and I can carry a conversation with almost anyone, so long as the other person is giving me something back. It could be that they're just emotionally closed off people in general and not really shy.

    Another thing I've realized is that not everyone connects through conversation. Some people connect better through doing activities together. As someone who is introspective and has an active mind, I do connect through conversation and need someone who can match me there. I tend to be compatible with those people most. Perhaps it's the same for you. I think people who don't have a very active mind, don't really put much thought into their conversations. They are more people of action than words. It could also be that they're just not interested or too self-absorbed to even get curious enough about another person to ask them a question. But again, that's not something to take personally. It says more about them than it does you.

    I think the best thing you can do is to just keep putting yourself out there and chatting with people. There are a lot of people in the world, eventually you'll find one you at least semi-connect with. Not everyone appreciates the art of conversation and that's something to keep in mind. If that's something that's important to you, hold out for that and don't settle. And if the conversation naturally dies early on, sometimes that just means it was meant to. Don't force things, it's okay to let it die and move on to a more lively dynamic.

    Edited by Teasing Tink, 17 October 2020 - 07:29 PM.

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    #5 CatboyAdrian

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    Posted 17 October 2020 - 08:31 PM

    Thank you everyone for the lovely responses! I really appreciate them! I sometimes get into a mindset where I assume things and having other perspectives has definitely helped! I will definitely continue talking with people since the community is the only social interaction I have outside of work!
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    #6 dearsweetboy

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    Posted 17 October 2020 - 08:58 PM

    I've been dealing with this for years like -- ugh! Just something with more than one syllable, that's all I ask. On the rare occasion I send the first message, I send at least a short paragraph introducing myself and explaining why I messaged them. I wish someone would do the same for me! I just ignore messages that say "hey" "hi" "sup"... I  just don't have the social energy for it. I feel like the "hi how are ya" process is just implied by the fact that they're in my inbox.



    #7 Daddydesistyle1

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    Posted 18 October 2020 - 08:15 AM

    Lol..I have issue because I love love to talk and most of the time ppl think I am pushy. It’s not fault it’s the way I was born and brought up and my job..I will explain. My parents are lawyers so I was told to talk with points and all the time and I worked all my like in sales so I had no choice then talk. Over the years I became more and more dom because the way you put your self out, they way you get better terms.
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    #8 CatboyAdrian

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    Posted 18 October 2020 - 01:16 PM

    Lol..I have issue because I love love to talk and most of the time ppl think I am pushy. It’s not fault it’s the way I was born and brought up and my job..I will explain. My parents are lawyers so I was told to talk with points and all the time and I worked all my like in sales so I had no choice then talk. Over the years I became more and more dom because the way you put your self out, they way you get better terms.


    See I actually enjoy someone who sparks conversation and talks. I never really thought of people seeing it as really pushy unless of course you don’t allow the other person to talk and just go on and on. I just wish I knew how to spark conversation like that cause I really do suck at it haha
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    #9 Daddydesistyle1

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    Posted 18 October 2020 - 01:25 PM

    See I actually enjoy someone who sparks conversation and talks. I never really thought of people seeing it as really pushy unless of course you don’t allow the other person to talk and just go on and on. I just wish I knew how to spark conversation like that cause I really do suck at it haha


    It’s ok brother, you are in good hand. You can come on this forum and talk and we will all listen to you. Just talk don’t think, when you think you will lose.

    Edited by Daddydesistyle1, 18 October 2020 - 01:29 PM.


    #10 Arlene-is-mean

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    Posted 18 October 2020 - 09:25 PM

    I’m awful at carrying conversations but for some reason it always seems like I’m the one who has to do it

    #11 MysticSand

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    Posted 21 October 2020 - 03:37 PM

    As a personal rule for myself, I do not respond when the other party gives one word answers, flat answers like "oh cool" or "that stinks", or just talks a lot about themselves and doesn't ask questions about me or my opinions. Nope. It's just not worth my time, energy, or effort. I think this is something that may be a realization for you too. I can do walls of text but I'm not going to give more effort than the other party is giving because that just leads to a black hole.

     

    I think most people are in to quick stimulations and quick connections, which isn't how things work. I agree with the above that sometimes it's circumstances and chance conversations/events that can spark a lengthy conversation but those are rare and it really depends on the other person you're talking to. I really think that a lot of people are "boring" in the sense that they don't put effort into relationships (of all kinds, including even just simple ones like interacting with a store clerk) or... themselves! Too much hope in a silver bullet and dependence on the world/others to provide opportunity without the necessary self-reflection to realize hey, you gotta put some energy and vibes and effort out in to the world to get some back!

     

    In terms of keeping a conversation going and finding another way to start another conversation..... honestly if you're a chatty person and are great with follow up questions and asking about the other person or talking about small little things about your own day that they can possibly connect to, the conversation will flow. If the other party is consistently giving responses like I described above.... I don't think it's a you thing, I think it's just something you accept and move on and try to look for another fun chatty person to connect with. 


    “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” -Dr. Seuss





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