Ddlg with a FWB? Advice requested

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

I wasn't sure what section to put this in but I'd like input from all kinds of roles so here it is. I have a friend with benefits who I'm very happy with. From the start she made it clear that she didn't want a relationship and that was and is fine, I haven't "caught feelings", have no desire to try to be her boyfriend, etc. She is very new to ddlg and wants to participate in the lifestyle. The situation is, ddlg is very emotional for me. Being a nurturing protector Daddy is part of my personality and I really enjoy it. My fwb loves all the things I've done like leave her cute notes, pet her head while she falls asleep on me while watching a show, call her pet names like babygirl, princess, etc, storytime, discussing rules and punishments and so forth. But from my point of view she is sending some mixed signals because her words and actions generally show that she wants all of these things, and yet sometimes she says it's too much and reminds me that we're only fwb, not in a relationship. I remind her that I'm aware of that and not trying to change it, but I do feel emotions when we're doing those kinds of things. I think it's not her specifically but just the idea of being a Daddy toward a little, but I could be wrong. I just wonder how to move forward at this point, because I'm fine being fwb and I want her to be happy but doing ddlg stuff with her makes me start to FEEL, so I don't know if it's a good idea to continue incorporating it. I also informed her from the start that a Daddy and a little is an emotional bond beyond fwb and therefore she might not like or be ready for it, and that though there are platonic ddlg relationships I can't see myself doing that and we are sexually intimate so we are past that stage. Anyone have advice? Edited December 20, 2020 by Daddy-Tom

[MJA78]

Yeah, I would be careful about that. From what I understand, DDLG is very heavy in the intimacy department. Unless you are sure you can control your emotions, I would stay clear of ddlg. Just my opinion.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

I guess it's rather complicated at this point. This may be some what of an unpopular opinion because our society embraces things like FWB's but, I don't think it's wise to get into them since sex is an inherently bonding activity, it becomes almost impossible to truly separate your emotions because we're not robots. It's natural to feel and those bonding hormones also get released. It sounds like there probably is part of her that wants more too (partially because of that), but perhaps she wants a FWB because she fears commitment or some other reason. Whatever the case, this type of relationship doesn't really seem to align with your own needs entirely. It seems like it would be more beneficial for you to move on from it or seek/pursue something more serious where you don't have to worry so much about just feeling normal human emotions of attachment when sharing very intimate things with a person and you can truly fulfill that part of yourself that desires more instead of sacrificing and meeting someone halfway. Just my thoughts though.  

[baby_k]

The typical answer: talk to her and tell her what you just told us.

 

Like @Teasing Tink said, I doubt FWB really works with most people as there will always be some emotions growing. Or that helps to mask the real needs one has and therefore those needs cannot be satisfied, and it can be harder to find actual partner as there is no big need for one.

 

Personaly I would never mix ddlg with anything casual as for me too it's highly emotional and close bond. Especially if going on longer.

We can't know why she is so persistent on keeping things just FWB but she has her reasons. May be that it is just fear and she would want to have proper rel with you. However, it doesn't make sense to pursue her into rel if she doesn't want one, that would be rocky and long path which most likely won't lead into good things. I also wonder if you try to protect emotionally yourself by claiming that she may not be that important but the need for ddlg rel is. That btw is totally okay and normal.

 

If I was you, I would tell about the emotions that you start to have and just say that I can't do this anymore. As if you need to guard the things you feel and even think, it doesn't sound like healthy thing. Thou, try to also think prehand if you might want to try real realitonship with her. Then you can ask her if she would be interested in it also ( just give her time alone to think about it longer! ). If you don't know, it's okay too -just tell her that as she probably is in the same boat.

 

Imo: what you mostly need is to be honest with yourself, know what you really need and also want. And what will in the end hurt you or prevent you from pursuing your real needs.

[Guest Daddy-Tom]

To clarify: sex isn't the issue. The non-sexual things I mentioned above make it feel more like a relationship and therein lies the dilemma. Neither of us wants a relationship at this time. It's too early to tell if we are even romantically compatible. My issue is she seems to really like the "relationshipy" stuff even as she calls it too relationshipy, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable acting that way with a fwb. She has also hinted at jealousy/possessiveness, which is obviously not like a fwb. So basically she confuses me.

[Guest]

I was in this situation not too long ago. My ex daddy didnt want a relationship with me, he mad it all clear that he didn't want a tag between us because he just wanted to be friends, nothing more than daddy dom - little girl. At first I was like this too, I agreed and continued being his. But then I started catching feelings to him. I cried often knowing he wouldn't wanna be with me, his little girl. So I left at the first time, but then he kept talking to me and then I couldnt resist it but sticking back to him. It didn't last long, fwb isn't gonna work for me so I left him again. I found someone (who's now my daddy) and he has been making me happy ever since ^^

[maddycakes]

Okay so I wanna address two things you've said separately:

 

1. "She seems to like the 'relationshipy' stuff even though [she says that is not what she wants]"

To be honest, I think there can definitely be fwb (or even just plain friendships without the B ) who participate in more intimate activities (cuddling, going on "dates" (ie just doing stuff together), nicknames/pet names, etc), and these can be very fulfilling and wonderful as long as the two people both want the same thing and there is open communication and trust that the other person would speak up if feelings change. You can definitely feel intimate towards and even love someone who is your friend, who you would not want a relationship with. Having these nice moments does not necessitate a relationship as long as both partners are on the same page about that. However, from what you've indicated, it seems like having these more tender moments is confusing you emotionally. If that is the case, it is probably better to steer clear of DDlg within your dynamic. However, if your confusion is just coming from her reactions/mixed signals, the best thing to do would be to tell her that and just have a very clear discussion about what she does and does not want. She may enjoy these more tender moments, but does not get romantic feelings from them - meaning, she may like them a lot, but then feels the need to compulsively repeat how much she does not want a relationship to make sure you are not confused about her intentions. Maybe something that might make you two feel more comfortable would be scheduling a monthly or weekly "reevaluation" to make sure you are still clear on limits and restate both of your intentions for the (fwb) relationship. 

 

2. "She has also hinted at jealousy/possessiveness, which is obviously not like a fwb"

imo, this is a red flag for anyone, fwb or not, unless there is a specific instance of jealousy to discuss. Someone saying (or implying) that they are jealous and/or possessive preemptively seems like a really passive-aggressive statement meant to deter you from i don't know what...seeing other people? seeking out other companionship? having other friends? (Sorry if it's just me but. No one should preface a relationship with "I'm a jealous person". That's like prefacing a job interview with "I'm a lazy person". Not only should you not allow one of the worst traits for a relationship define you, but it makes it seem like you have accepted it and are not trying to work towards being better.) Anyways! Back to the discussion. Obviously everyone's dynamics are different, but most of the time fwb is not an exclusive relationship, nor is it one that takes priority over other relationships in your life (friends, romantic partners, family, etc), so her saying that she gets jealous and possessive after also repeating how much she doesn't want a relationship seems totally out of line (unless your fwb relationship is exclusive, in which case it still seems passive-aggressive, but makes more sense than if you had a traditional fwb dynamic). I think if she struggles with jealousy, this is something you should discuss seriously in your conversations with her, especially in regards to the limits of your relationship - if you have a non-exclusive fwb relationship and/or you are actively seeking a romantic relationship, jealousy could be a huge problem and you should address it before it has the chance to come up. 

 

I hope this has been helpful and I wish you the best of luck!

Edited December 20, 2020 by maddycakes