Feeling Grief

[AutumnsMagnolia2]

I need advice.

 

I've been feeling terrible. I made a goal this year to be single as long as I can. I've always had an unhealthy dependence on being with someone. I really want to learn to have value for myself instead of needing to be needed to prove I am of worth.

 

2020 was filled with unhappy vanilla relationships. I'm an adult model and an S-worker. So. It's already hard for me to get in a relationship. My last relationship was with someone who was probably the nicest person I've dated. Unfortunately they weren't at all interested in ddlg or bdsm. They told me that there was the potential to grow into it and learn more about it, but that wasn't true.. After 3 months of trying so many things to get the conversations going, I had no longer been convinced that I was going to be their little. They told me they weren't up to loving me because they didn't know if they could ever be a cg. This hurt, but I understood.

 

I'm still angry though. It hurts to think that no matter how hard I try I can't be what someone else desires. I have to constantly remind myself that everyone likes their own thing and it's difficult for two people to match. This brings me to where I am now. I'm single. I plan to stay that way for a whole year. I know that this decision is what's best for me, yet it hurts. It's like I'm taking my heart out of my chest and hiding it where no one can hurt it. I am so tired of having to take care of myself after years of vanilla relationships. I'm so emotionally exhausted I need a break. I seriously haven't gotten to be in little space for months at a time.

 

It seems I'm always stuck between settling for vanilla or just being alone. No doms are looking for anything serious, at least in my area. It's also a great time for me to explore being poly. I might be excited to try new things, but I can't help but hurt knowing that none of my explorations can have attachments. I am an extremely sexual person but I'm also so filled with love. It's not hard for me to love people. After this year, I'm just too scared to let myself fall in love. I need a break... but the break sucks.

 

It feels like I'm addicted to relationships. I want so fucking badly to explore myself and my passions with someone who wants to as much as I do, it's just not happening. I need to stop the pattern. Even if that means I need to put my heart on hold. My whole life I've taken care of myself, and I'm so over it. I'm really struggling. Maybe that's just a part of being alone? I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't in a lot of pain.

 

I need some guidance and support. This is a long shot because I'm not very prominent on this website, but I'm sure you can guess that I would only be receiving unsolicited dick pics from my followers on PH and SnapChat. Some kind words and advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

[MJA78]

It sounds like you have some bigger issues that needs to be dealt with before you can move on. Send me a friend invite if you want to PM.

[ThatOneGuyTho]

What you're trying to do is very brave. You've looked in yourself and realized, that you need to be happy with yourself, and confident in who you are, before getting into another relationship. Sometimes it's easier to swing from branch to branch, but taking some time out for yourself, to reflect, and process where your life is, and what you really want is a good thing. Not necessarily an easy thing by any means, and as MJ says, I imagine there are bigger things at play here.

I know it's hard to keep opening up and getting crushed, you will find someone for you out there one day, when you're ready. But until than, during this year.. Perhaps it's a good time to explore new hobbies? Try to make some life changes, or personal goals that don't rely on others. Love yourself, the rest will follow.

 

 

If ya need to talk/vent/w/e feel free to send me a request.

[SmolAetherr]

i wouldnt say taking care of yourself is part of being alone, its part of being an adult.. being a little doesent excuse you from being an adult

 

i think i know what you are trying to say but if you are expecting a relationship to fill a hole like that you will always be left dissapointed and its not because you are being hurt over and over by people who werent good enough for you but that you are expecting them to fill that void or to alleviate some daily stresses that you should be learning to deal with yourself, i think a break from relationships is a good idea

 

a relationship should compliment your life, not be an escape from it

[Vampiress]

I think you're doing the right thing by giving yourself time to heal as well as exploring yourself as a person. This often doesn't feel great to start with, but you might learn something things about yourself that you will be pleasantly surprised with, and I think it will help you become stronger and more confident in yourself in the long run.

 

It's also a very fair thing to do, to learn to be okay with yourself and in a good place before trying to be with someone else. It can be hard to enter a relationship when you're dealing with issues that may have you lingering on thoughts and feelings that have to do with people you were with before.

 

Unfortunately being little makes it feel like to me that this lifestyle makes it a little harder to date, but once you find the right one it is so much more fulfilling because of the intimacy and trust that such a relationship is based on.

 

I wish you the best of luck on your journey!