Needy littles?

[paulgabe]

A lot of littles seem to be very needy and time consuming. I'm ok with needy and like needy. But there is such thing as too much.

 

How much daily time does it take for you guys to meet your little's needs?

 

Is there a scenario where you say, ok that's enough for today?

 

Also depending on the person there are good neediness, where we enjoy fulfilling, and draining neediness. What kind of neediness do you guys like and what kind drains you? 

[GlitterMonster]

Not all littles are like this. You should have conversations about boundary setting and expectations. Everyone has limits and its perfectly okay to reach yours for the day, week, month or even the year.

 

The time it takes to meet needs varies from little to little, and Cg to Cg. I also find it can vary throughout a day or week, so I don't think there is concrete answer. My advice is to give what you can, you can't pour from an empty cup. Communicate the time you can give and make it clear to your partner. Keep them informed if things change as soon as you can.

 

There have definitely been times where scenarios and scenes have had to be put on pause because it was just too much.

[paulgabe]

Thanks for your answer.

 

There have definitely been times where scenarios and scenes have had to be put on pause because it was just too much.

 

Can you go into more detail?

[GlitterMonster]

Thanks for your answer

 

 

Can you go into more detail?

I can try but I mean this is going to be different for everyone and I'm primary a little not a cg. Everyone has different needs and wants. Sometimes too much changes depending on life. For instance maybe 5 texts within an hour is normally okay but today is stressful so that's too much. I have to tell my partner it's a rough day and I can't right now.

 

So for a lot of the draining comes from feeling disappointing because I'm not around enough to keep up with how much time they want.

 

Part of dynamics is creating the home or life you want, which means building up a fence, a boundary if what's okay and what's not.

 

Alright so a few examples.

While seeing a local switch, it became apparent that they only wanted to be little and not a cg. It got incredibly draining so during a particularly rough day I explained that it's too much for me to be big today, and I needed to be litttle. My partner had been so excited to be little and have a good cg they just forgot to be big. It was a lot if reminding but we eventually made it work.

 

Excessive phone calls and texts are a big okay that's enough for me in terms of neediest but I also have space issues. I like being in the sane room as my partner but we don't have to be ontop of each other or doing the same thing. As a little I have thrown tantrums or just left rooms in order to get that space because I was too upset to explain . However I explained it to my partner after, and we worked on cues and things I can do when I've had enough.

 

Does that help? These ones are about neediest more or less but anything can be put on pause for any reason.

[DaddysMonkey]

My perspective on this topic could be seen as kind of harsh but it’s just my honest opinion.

 

There is a huge difference between someone being needy because they are a little , and being so co dependent on their partner that it’s toxic. I see a lot of toxic co dependency in the community on both ends. Just an example of what my brain is thinking / how it works ;

 

Needy -

*Texts caregiver multiple times*

*Caregiver replies that they are busy at work and the little needs to wait*

*Little is sad but understands and sends one last cute message before waiting patiently.*

 

Toxic co depending -

*Texts caregiver multiple times*

*Caregiver replies that they are busy at work and the little needs to wait*

*Continues to text even though partner has stated clearly they are busy at work*

*Caregiver again relays they are busy at work and to please wait patiently*

*Little throws a fit and tells caregiver they don’t really love them how could they leave them all alone it’s not fair etc etc ect essentially guilt tripping the caregiver to eventually break and text at work*

*Little is satisfied they got their way and the attention they want*

 

This is what my brain sees the difference as. ^

 

It’s fine to be needy sometimes , but trying to make your partner feel bad or guilty because your neediness isn’t being met isn’t healthy. That’s when I think a relationship should be evaluated and a serious discussion about behavior should come into play.

 

I highly agree with GlitterMonster , all of this kind of stuff should be discussed before being in a committed relationship if you’re going to have kink involved. A lot of people are so desperate for attention and a relationship they don’t take the time to ask serious questions , some as simple as “how needy are you?”. Which leads to new couples feeling jaded and upset because their daydream image of their new partner isn’t reality. Jumping into any relationship isn’t a smart choice , but it’s that much worse off when kink is involved. A lot of this boils down to getting to know a potential partner better instead of just diving in then a week later going “woah... this person is fucking needy and way too much to deal with”.

[LittlePupRune]

Neediness is something that needs to be discussed and negotiated early on, before even starting a relationship with someone. You are allowed to have your own boundaries, and there's nothing wrong with sticking to them as long as its communicated. And if its determined that you two are incompatible because of it, you are free to end the relationship. There's nothing wrong with people having certain needs, it just means the two of you aren't a good fit together.

[Guest Teasing Tink]

Everyone is different so it's just a question of personality/compatibility. I like to view it in terms of the social variants in the Enneagram personality system. Basically, there's the sexual instinct which if a person has this as their primary instinct, they'll have a more intense energy and primarily focus on one-on-one relationships/friendships with a laser intensity. The social variant spreads their energy around more evenly between people/groups and the self-preservation instinct is more reserved with their energy and more focused on matters of health/finances etc.

 

I think a lot of "clingy" or "needy" people fall into the Sx first category. Not everyone wants that. I believe people with the same or similar instinctual stackings are more compatible because they usually want the same/similar things out of a relationship. As someone who has Sx as my first instinct, I knew I wouldn't be happy with someone who couldn't offer me the same intensity that I put into a relationship (someone who wasn't Sx first like me). I give a lot, so I expect a lot in return (not out of obligation, but the person doing it out of desire). Some people are naturally more attentive than others, others need more space in a relationship -- neither is better than the other, just different, so long as they don't go to a negative end of the spectrum with codependency or on the other side, complete neglect/lack of effort.

 

I'm also an introvert so a bit contradictory in that I also need time to recharge but it's not so much from negative exhaustion than it is due to just being a human introvert. Everyone eventually needs down time -- even if they love the interaction/attention. Finding someone whose needs align with your own is your best bet since these things vary widely based on personality.

 

Source: https://enneagramworldwide.com/instinctual-subtypes/

Edited February 5, 2021 by Teasing Tink

[paulgabe]

 

 

Source: https://enneagramworldwide.com/instinctual-subtypes/

Is there a free test for this you recommend? 

[MysticSand]

I think a different and maybe more eye opening way to say needy is communication, or how much attention and communication is needed by both people.

This may sound weird but I'm pretty sure I'm the more 'needy' one in our CGL relationship so I'll answer from my perspective as a CG. 

 

To start off, my little and I video call for hours just about every day. I don't have a daily limit per say, but I think I would be weirded out if I didn't at least get a text or two each day from my little to just let me know he's okay and what he's up to if it's a busy day for him hanging out with the bro's. I think I need solid uninterrupted time with my little maybe 3 days in a row after he or I have a busy stretch.

 

I don't think there's a scenario that we've come across where I think 'ok that's enough for today.'

Instances have come up where I just need time to myself to think, but I wouldn't say those instances were caused by my little's neediness.

It might have actually been the opposite where it's happened due to my own neediness. 

 

I'm not sure I fully understand the good/draining neediness, but I think I like the good neediness?

I find the draining neediness to be by way of social expectations and politeness when meeting with friends.

Oof so much talking, so much nonsense. 

[Kitten&Spice]

It is hard to add to this as there is definitely a lot of amazing responses and I am glad to see this question be brought to the table! I have also noticed; not only with littles but doms as well, the presence of those who are needy or clingy! Of course not everyone is the same and each person displays their role in a different way it is of course something that comes as the most common display for people! One thing I thought was amazing to be mentioned was the difference between clingy/needy and codependency. One of which is something that brings harm to both individuals involved.

 

It is important to always vocalize your boundaries and to allow your partner to be aware of situations. It is especially important for people in long distance as communication is the main source of affection you can give your partner. Just sending small things like good morning/ goodnight is awesome but the time in between can be critical! Communicating what is planned for the day, when you are available, small updates, and even say things like you can’t talk for a that day is important! This sets boundaries and allows your partner to be aware of the circumstances and can also help a bit with anxieties that may arise from lack of information! But I won’t get to far into this!

 

The reason I mentioned that before is the best way to explain the possible signs and warnings for someone who might come off as codependent versus a needy little. I think DaddysMonkey gave an amazing example!

 

Needy -

*Texts caregiver multiple times*

*Caregiver replies that they are busy at work and the little needs to wait*

*Little is sad but understands and sends one last cute message before waiting patiently.*

 

Toxic co depending -

*Texts caregiver multiple times*

*Caregiver replies that they are busy at work and the little needs to wait*

*Continues to text even though partner has stated clearly they are busy at work*

*Caregiver again relays they are busy at work and to please wait patiently*

*Little throws a fit and tells caregiver they don’t really love them how could they leave them all alone it’s not fair etc etc ect essentially guilt tripping the caregiver to eventually break and text at work*

*Little is satisfied they got their way and the attention they want*

 

 

I do think that it would be important to talk to the person if you find their behaviors somewhat disrespectful and intrusive. And make them aware of how it makes you feel when they are acting something a lot like codependency. In the end it is the decision of you and the other person if things are to change for the better or worse! Just know that with such behavior being allowed it ultimately creates a codependent and enabler type of relationship. I can definitely go on as I know many people in the community who have faced this type of dynamic and it has caused an awful lot of harm.

 

Needless to say I do think the questions being asked are some important things anyone in a relationship with someone who is needy/clingy should maybe think about and ponder! It is good to know where you stand and how things feel! Glad to have you ask this op!