introducing DDlg to boyfriend?

[msfawn]

i think i saw a similar topic but i wanted to make my own for more... personalized advice, i guess. and, i’m starting to get desperate on how to handle this, which is why i made an account and immediately decided to post here instead of introductions. this is a bit of a ramble and i’m sorry!! hopefully this is the right thread for this...

 

TL;DR: i’m a little with a boyfriend and i’m deathly scared of telling boyfriend i want him to be my Daddy. i want to write him an email about it but i don’t know if it’s a good idea.

 

my bf and i have been together for 2 years. i’ve known i was into DDlg for a few years now and i “converted” (lol) two of my exes into DDs, so you’d think i’d know how to approach this subject, right? wrong!! both times it just happened and i never really had to explain anything to anybody. i haven’t been little it over three years, and i’ve gone back and forth with my moral compass (as i frequently see anti-DDlg things and then end up feeling guilty, as if i’m turning people into p*dophiles when i know that’s not the case but ANYWAY), but i keep returning to it... just, longing. it’s something i want back in my life so bad, but i make myself sick over the idea of telling my bf about it.

 

he tells me he isn’t kinky and doesn’t have any kinks. i find that hard to believe for anybody especially since i’m sure he watches porn, and he’s had a threesome before,, but whatever, right? we have a few toys and he’s shown interest in melting wax candles and handcuffs but hasn’t done either to me, even though i’ve said i’m actually fine with most ideas and i would let him know if i didn’t like something. if this kink was just like... oh, let’s play dress up and i’m now a sexy nurse or he pretends to be, idk, the pizza boy, i feel like that would be more common place and acceptable and less embarrassing on my part. DDlg just seems like an extreme to jump to when he’s rather vanilla compared to my exes.

 

you ask, “but msfawn, you just said you converted your exes! what’s the big deal now?” the big deal is that i love this man with my whole heart and soul. i can slowly feel our sex life dying. i want to bring it back, but also do stuff other than missionary and sometimes doggy or cowgirl. i can’t keep doing the same things over and over.. DDlg is sexual for me, and i feel like explaining that makes the whole thing even more taboo. i’m battling with myself, as you can see, despite knowing the whole thing is between consenting adults. and i really worry that saying “hey, i am interested in this kink” would bother my bf and make him judge me and find me disgusting. (my anxiety is probably projecting here!)

 

i’m tired of keeping it a secret from him and being ashamed. i have my paci hidden away. i wanna be called baby girl again and be punished for misbehaving. i sadly delete any emails i get about ABDL diaper sales. i feel like i’m hiding a huge part of myself. i’m so scared of the rejection though. terrified. i want to spend the rest of my life with this man and if i had to, i would push this desire deep down and try to forget about it.

 

i had the idea of writing him an email (so that way i wouldn’t see it over our texts and be forced to relive it, or in person so i don’t feel like vomiting from nerves), with links to various guides and explanations about DDlg, and explaining that it’s something i’ve kept secret and am struggling to hide. that he could try it if he wanted, see how he liked it, and if not, okay and i understand. i i would also tell him that if he isn’t interested, then just forget i even wrote the email and to please not bring it up. i guess i could also include alternative kinks i have, that are becoming a bit more common, so it doesn’t seem like an all or nothing deal? i don’t know. is this a good idea?

 

please help.

[Vampiress]

I think for your issue I would first work on resolving or figuring out what the issue is that is making your sex life die, as you put it. Without resolving that issue, putting this on him could be very overwhelming and a huge turn off if there's something wrong already. Once you've addressed that problem I would slowly introduce him to it, you don't ever want to overwhelm someone because usually their initial reaction is to run. I'd start with basic BDSM at that point, see how he feels about Dominant/submissive roles and maybe some lighter BDSM. If he takes to it then you can start introducing more things. If it doesn't interest him at all then I'm not sure if he'd take to DD/lg very well, unless he'd be open to something like be a softer Dom/Caregiver. Make sure to be clear that not all Dominants have to be super strict or harsh, that one can also be soft. If he only associates BDSM with one type of Dominant and he doesn't like that type then he might just ignore the dynamic altogether... but if he realizes that there are many types of Dominants and that he can be the kind of Dominant he's comfortable with then he might be more open to learning. Unfortunately, if he doesn't like it at all or feels like he'd be more submissive than Dominant then you have to figure out what you're going to do because that means as far as this goes you're incompatible. You'll have to ask yourself if you can live with a partner who isn't into this? Maybe he'd be comfortable with you exploring your little side on your own, or maybe he'd be okay with a platonic caregiver. You still have options before you totally give up... but take it slow, and address the first issue with your sex life first. I really hope you can figure that out and work up to some kind of dynamic or sex life that you're both happy with.

[maddycakes]

I totally agree with Vampiress, very well put. Like she said, just linking someone pages upon pages to DD/lg info is going to be really REALLY overwhelming. DD/lg is a lifestyle, and even if he is willing to try it out, someone can't change their whole life in a day and it will be frustrating for him to try. The one thing I would add is that if you want to start with more DD/lg-focused activities or actions, you can definitely do that without saying that you want a DD/lg relationship. You can ask him to watch cartoons with you, to give you a bath, to cut up your food, to build a pillow fort, whatever seems the most light and least weird to you and him (since you know him best, you will know what he will be the most open to!) These are not necessarily super kinky activities, just fun things to do with your partner. If he takes well to both the BDSM stuff and the little activities, then you can slowly introduce actual DD/lg resources and content into the conversation. 

 

Good luck! 

[Littlemerlot]

Maybe we can help eachother out with this. You said you saw a similar post.... that was probably mine. I’m 100% in the same boat as you. Although I’ve never converted anyone to a DD. But the idea that you feel guilty, stop thinking about it, and then that longing for it pops back up is something I’ve felt with for years and it definitely is one of the things that makes it harder for me to start to tell him.

[msfawn]

thank you for the advice! i wasn’t planning on emailing him just links, but kind of an explanation of what it is, what it means to me, etc with explanations that he doesn’t have to be a certain Dom, like vampiress said i definitely don’t want to overwhelm him and scare him away from the whole thing. i just don’t know how to even bring basic BDSM stuff up without feeling embarrassed and shy. i really wish i had just told him when it was brought up last...

 

also, he is 100% the type to research stuff after it gets brought up. which is great! but that’s also why i wanted to send him links, so he doesn’t find the wrong resource. gahhh. so how do i even bring the basics up? i feel like i need a script!

[maddycakes]

also, he is 100% the type to research stuff after it gets brought up. which is great! but that’s also why i wanted to send him links, so he doesn’t find the wrong resource. gahhh. so how do i even bring the basics up? i feel like i need a script!

Ohhhh! That makes a lot of sense. It's awesome that you know he will be at least dedicated to doing some research after you talk to him about it.

 

Hmm..bringing the basics up could be as simple as asking him to try something new out (whatever you want- he could tie you up or do some light spanking or whatever) and before you begin, you can ask him if he's ever heard of a safeword. Or, for D/s, you could tell him that you want to be his slave for a day. Not like a Master/slave dynamic, just as a fun thing to do (or you could frame it as a gift to him - "i love you so much that for your birthday/our anniversary/this upcoming Tuesday, I would like to be your servant for the day, cook and clean for you, and do whatever you say within reason. I'm encouraging you to boss me around!"). This is another good time to bring up safewords and limits, ask him if he's ever heard of those things/what he thinks about them. 

[msfawn]

Ohhhh! That makes a lot of sense. It's awesome that you know he will be at least dedicated to doing some research after you talk to him about it.

 

Hmm..bringing the basics up could be as simple as asking him to try something new out (whatever you want- he could tie you up or do some light spanking or whatever) and before you begin, you can ask him if he's ever heard of a safeword. Or, for D/s, you could tell him that you want to be his slave for a day. Not like a Master/slave dynamic, just as a fun thing to do (or you could frame it as a gift to him - "i love you so much that for your birthday/our anniversary/this upcoming Tuesday, I would like to be your servant for the day, cook and clean for you, and do whatever you say within reason. I'm encouraging you to boss me around!"). This is another good time to bring up safewords and limits, ask him if he's ever heard of those things/what he thinks about them. 

 

it's great! i'm not used to being with somebody who actually does some emotional labor instead of me putting in front of them, lol. i would hate for him to find some article that doesn't explain it fully. or explains it in a weird way that's offputting.

 

he's choked me a little before, as well as some spanking, and like i said he's brought up wax candles and handcuffs. when i think about it, i think he might be worried he would hurt me, or that he would go too far? he *almost* used handcuffs one night, but because i didn't verbally say anything, he didn't use them (i was too busy enjoying things to say much, lol). so... i may just have to spell it out for him.

 

what if i said, "hey babe, i know we haven't been having sex as often as we used to, and i hate it as much as you do. i really love it when you're more dominant and aggressive in bed, like when you sometimes choke me or spank me or pull my hair. it fits in with a few of my kinks (i've told him i have some, just not what they were). do you think we could do that more?" how does that sound? should i change anything? add anything? 

[Littlemerlot]

I think that sounds really good! I like acknowledging its hit a lull will help a lot... and I feel like he probably is just nervous about taking it too far and is probably looking for you to spell it out for him. So I think that telling him I like etc will help. When my boyfriend does something I like I try to always say like “oh do that again as he’s doing that or I love when you do that” in the moment so he knows that it’s something he should do again.

 

I’m also loving the birthday/anniversary idea from above. I think I’ll have to try that one out soon!

[maddycakes]

That sounds great! If he is receptive to the idea, it would be a great opportunity (if the timing feels right) to talk about limits - ie "I know you don't want to hurt me or go too far, so when you're feeling it, we can talk about exactly what we are both interested in doing". Also, I would add a call to action. saying "could we do that more?" is really ambiguous and doesn't actually put the solution into place, just suggests a solution and puts the responsibility on him to act. maybe try "could we do some of that later on tonight/next time we have sex?" defining a specific time will ground your request in reality - this is something that you truly want to happen, and soon! it's not some flimsy request that can be answered whenever he feels like it or works himself up to it. It's also nice to relieve him of the pressure of making the decision about when/where, finding the courage to discuss it with you (because he may very well feel embarrassed of these desires, as many doms/tops do), and explaining what he wants and hoping that you feel the same. With this call to action, you are letting him know this is what you want, when you want it, and he won't have to guess at all. 

 

I can definitely see why he (or any guy really) would be hesitant to do something to you that you didn't agree upon beforehand without verbal confirmation that you want it. It's honestly a good thing, means that he is interested in getting your consent! In any relationship, but especially D/s or other kink-participating relationships, being explicit with your communication is really important! In order for him to keep you safe and not cross any lines, he needs to know where the lines are and what you want. 

[msfawn]

thank you both, so so so much!!

 

i'll definitely tack on the "next time we have sex" bit, i can see how without it, my request would seem pretty vague. hopefully i'll work up the courage to ask him soon! i'll keep y'all updated!!

[maddycakes]

You are so welcome, my fingers are crossed for you!!

[Neko Shizu]

Hiya!

First I wanted to create a new topic but suddenly bumped into yours which is exactly what I wanted to talk about. I feel you so much msfawn, I'm dealing with the same issue.

 

I have a boyfriend I'm currently 2 years and a few months with, and we have quite vanilla type of "bedtime relationship". We both know about ourselves that he's dom and I'm sub which suits us well, we already got into spanking, restraining, handcuffs, blindfolds and such, but that's about it unfortunately. When we've been discussing what we might like to do and to experience, he noted that he doesn't have any particular kink. I thought that maybe he's just a bit shy but now it seems that he really is happy as he is. Which kinda puts me into even more difficult role.

 

I've discovered DDLG just a tiny little bit with my previous bf but unfortunately I didn't have a chance to explore this dynamic more with him because we broke up. Then when I met my current bf, I started to wonder why I'm still feeling like something is missing in my sex life, that I'm still unable to address what would really work for me. So I started searching for something that would be "it" and I discovered that DDLG is simply "it".

 

I found as much information as possible and it only proved that this is the dynamic I wanna try and live up to when it comes to sex and some parts of everyday life. Unfortunately I'm really shy so even trying out bdsm online test with my bf and sharing our results with each other was a huge step forward for me, so having a talk about ddlg is still a work in progress.

 

When we shared our bdsm results, I had 100% girl, sub and age-player, and he had 90% daddy and dom. So I asked him if I could call him daddy, which followed by a really strange answer of his - he told me that "if you ever call me daddy, then it wouldn't work out with us" or something like that. I was quite shocked and didn't know if it was that type of sarcasm where you're just saying the opposite of what you mean or if he meant it literally. So I just laughed it off awkwardly and we haven't talked about it ever since.

 

It made me super insecure about it but I feel super frustrated at the same time. I'm able to reach orgasm only by myself when I'm alone, I've never reached it with any of my partner (didn't have much, just 3), and now I feel that ddlg dynamic would greatly help it. I just want to have my daddy who would take care of me when I need it, who would be here when I need it, and who would simply bring that sub-dom relationship to a new level. I would love to talk to my daddy in bed without fear of being awkward and for him to address me as his princess or little girl or something like that. It feels like I really miss that and I would love to try it out.

 

Unfortunately he doesn't seem like he would be open to it. However we really love each other, we already live together and simply are thinking we both found our true love, but I feel like this is a big part of my love life and it keeps me really frustrated, anxious and sad.

 

Does any of you have an experience of having a partner AND a caregiver, you know, like two separate people? Tbh I can't imagine it but somebody has mentioned it somewhere, so I just wanted to ask.

 

I hope I'll be able to talk with my bf about it as soon as possible...

 

I'm not sure what I wanted to say by writing this post but I guess that I just wanted to let you know msfawn and littlemerlot that I'm with you. And I keep my fingers crossed for both of you because I know how frustrating it must be for ya... qwq

[Littlemerlot]

Hey! Definitely know where you’re coming from. It can be very frustrating. I compare it to when a toddler has like a tantrum because they can’t express what they’re feeling. I’m like you I’m very shy about talking about it with him. I do call him daddy in a sexual way and honestly it started because we heard it on tv and started “making fun” of it which just lead to both of us teasingly saying it and led to me actually calling him daddy for real in bed. And honestly I would say it makes my sexual experience like 100% better so I do get you wanting to be able to call him that in asexual context.

 

It’s interesting that he came back on that test so high with daddy dom. Do you think maybe he just doesn’t like daddy maybe it cringes him out for some reason? Maybe you guys could pick a different term that might be just as meaningful to you but not cringy to him(if that is the case). There’s also a chance he could get used to it too.. maybe try working it in once or twice. Maybe slip up and say it and be like oh sorry. But then next time you have sex try it again and try to read his vibe take it slow with it. I would love to have my boyfriend take that bdsm test but I can’t even think about how to approach asking him to take it lol.

 

I also got some great advice from someone on this site who told me men are visual creatures and told me to wear something that I know my boyfriend finds me really attractive in and act little while wearing it. I actually think this is working. I’ve also decided that I’m not mentioning to term ddlg to him because I don’t think he knows what it is haha and I don’t wanna take it too fast and freak him out so it’s good to consider that time is your friend on this and you need to take it slow (which also can be soooo frustrating)

 

Hoping some of this helps!