Relationship Advice...

[Pr0JLA]

Hello Everyone,

 

I didn't know where to put this...So I decided here.  I apologize if this isn't the right place but I guess I just thought it would be ok here...I need advice...Not the typical "just run" or "leave her" advice.  But true advice and perspective.

 

My little is 22 years old.  We have been in a relationship for 2.5 years, the first 18 months of our relationship we were separated because I was away.  We started dating in Feb of 2019 long distance and about 2 months in she confessed her little nature to me.  Given am naturally a Dom, it transitioned perfectly and I have enjoyed being a Daddy to her.  (I have 3 kids of my own).  The first year was great, it was hard being in a LDR, but we persevered. There was an occurrence the first year..about 7 months in. A guy invited her over, she thought about it because she was lonely and wanted "comfort"...she didn't go, she told me about it and affirmed our relationship and time went on.

 

6 months later Feb 2020 was rough.  My Birthday sucked, Valentines day was terrible we weren't fighting, we never really fight...like ever, we get cranky...we get snippy and then we always just pull through...it so different that previous relationships...Anyway on the morning of Feb 18th we had what I can describe to all of you as the BEST day we had had in 2 weeks.  We talked all day, laughed, played daddy little games, had some intimate time and talked and laughed...it was a great day.  She was to hang out with her friend Jessica that night, so around 1 in the afternoon we went "out together" which consisted of her and I going to the same store in 2 different states like we were shopping together (it's an LDR thing we did). But in actuality what I did was, was get in my car and drive 7 hours to go see her.

 

Around 6 as I was driving, she says "Where are you going" because she had noticed I was still driving and I said "Oh just to go pick up some stuff" and She says "Ok well, I am going to go get ready to go hand with Jessica, I will call you when i am done" and I say "oh where ya guys going"  She says "just to Starbucks so I can listen to her talk about herself for an hour" I say "have fun"...

 

I pulled into town around 6:30 as i'm sure I broke some speeding laws...And being she hasn't seen me in a long time..I was like who cares...let's go to Starbucks...and as I am pulling around the front of Starbucks there is my girl...sitting across from some guy...moving her hair our of her face and they look down at his phone.

 

Guys...I am a wreck.  I am sitting in my car parked....and staring into the window...just staring....But my mind shifts to damage control mode.  I start calling...no answer...I call and call and call...no answer...

 

For about 15-20 mins I call..still no answer...I send her a text "I can't believe you did this to me...i just can't believe it"

 

10 mins goes by and she finally she answers...and says "What do you mean"

 

I tell her "I know you are at Starbucks with a guy"

 

She breaks down and tells me that over the past few months she'd fallen out of love with me...that she didn't want to tell me and hurt me and that she didn't want this anymore that the distance was hard and too uncertain and she couldn't do this anymore. I tell her to call me when she's done with him so we can talk one more time...I didn't tell her I was there.  She climbs into the guys car (parked next to mine) and I could see her crying and him comforting her...she leaves in her car...I start the drive back. 

 

When she calls, my mind set is to really find out why as things are ending anyway.  When she calls she apologizes and proceeds to beg me not to leave.  Begs me not to go. This person is my best friend, my gf and my babygirl.  How could she do this to her Daddy.  I am not a shit daddy, I am good at this, I am not tooting my own horn, or bragging, but I know I am.  We don't break up and for months... we try to get over this.  To be honest, I never totally do....or have.

 

Pandemic hits...life changes...we are still together 8 months goes by.  It is now Aug of 2020..The incident has been months gone by but it's like a bone broken once you always feel it when the weather changes...if you know what I mean. In August a co worker (who has a BF) asks to go out on a drive with her.  His mom is dying and needed a friend.  Now...I hate to be an insensitive jerk but isn't that what your GF is for? But I digress...They hang out for a few hours and that's it.  I'm not pleased.  But I realized my time away is coming to a head so I make arrangements to basically come home.  And I come back 2 weeks later..We are happy we are ok.  We are together all the time, but there is this shadow or frisson of fear in my heart all the time.  It never goes away.  This guy, Dominic, knows I am here and has no hesitation to flirt with her, she says she doesn't like it but she doesn't seem to want to do anything about it.

 

I've come to realize that my GF is an attention whore...well...I always knew it, but my problem with her is that I just feel like sometimes she has issues telling people to back off.  She is devoid of friends and doesn't have many at all.  And sometimes it seems that she is so needy to make a friend that she will let them say things to her that are inappropriate to keep that friend. I've tried to encourage her to make friends but I've told her that I wish she just would be able to have boundaries.

 

Fast forward to now...She has to move 2 hours away to finish her nursing degree.  Living on campus....and I am terrified.  All the promises of "you are mine forever, and I am not leaving and I love you and you're all I need" have been made to me.  She says I can visit whenever I want.  That She's excited because we get to be in purely us environment without the baggage we both have. At 35 years old, I am stable, have a great job and just want to be a good daddy to my little and have her love me as I love her with an unconditionality i am not even used to.  But my friends I am terrified and don't know what to do.  Trust is hard...i want to trust...i need to trust...but it is very hard. When you love someone you change your life to fall in line with theirs and they do the same. And we've both done it. What do i do...I know I am in love with her. Everything else is perfect...well lol maybe not our physical relationship always but that's another post. She IS my best friend...She IS my friend...she IS my intellectual equal, she IS my joy....

i don't know what to do...

 

 

 

 

[Little kaiya]

Getting over cheating is hard because most people always carry that seed of doubt. Personally, I couldn't get past it because the trust would be broken and I'm not sure I could ever really believe that person.

 

At the end of the day nothing and no relationship is or ever will be perfect. The question to ask yourself is can you trust her. You did once and look what happened. You talk about being terrified with her moving 2 hrs away, do you really want to live your life terrified? Sometimes people can love each other but that doesn't mean a relationship will always work.

 

I guess bottom line, perhaps in my eyes only, is either you trust her or you don't. If you do TRULY trust her then you wouldn't be living terrified. If you can't get past what happened and find that trust, then staying together isn't really healthy for either of you.

 

Also, and this isn't related to your question, I couldn't help but notice you say you're 35 in your post but your profile says 47 . . . Why such a discrepancy?

Edited March 29, 2021 by Little kaiya

[Pr0JLA]

Getting over cheating is hard because most people always carry that seed of doubt. Personally, I couldn't get past it because the trust would be broken and I'm not sure I could ever really believe that person.

 

At the end of the day nothing and no relationship is or ever will be perfect. The question to ask yourself is can you trust her. You did once and look what happened. You talk about being terrified with her moving 2 hrs away, do you really want to live your life terrified? Sometimes people can love each other but that doesn't mean a relationship will always work.

 

I guess bottom line, perhaps in my eyes only, is either you trust her or you don't. If you do TRULY trust her then you wouldn't be living terrified. If you can't get past what happened and find that trust, then staying together isn't really healthy for either of you.

 

Also, and this isn't related to your question, I couldn't help but notice you say you're 35 in your post but your profile says 47 . . . Why such a discrepancy?

Hmm That's weird I don't think I ever noticed the age thing....I was born in 86 so...i will have to fix that... =/

 

And yes that IS hard. That trust is hard to win back. I want to trust her.  I do.  I really do. But that pull of fear is powerful and I have a tough time dealing with it.  A really tough time.

[SmolAetherr]

dude, talk to her and stop forcing normality where there is none, it happened and you both need to work on the wounds and aftermath before you can rebuild

 

what i can say is based on what you have said she was 100% unhappy but you calling her out seems to have been a wake up call and a decision was made on her part to stick it out with you because she sees a future with you

 

communicate, tell her you need to rebuild trust and this is still hanging over your head but dont make her feel like you are dredging it up to be upset at her ask her for help to put this in the past where it belongs

 

if she truely does want to work this out she will work with you to make something awesome if not well you know that she likely only wanted to keep you around for the safety and not because she really loves you

 

 

gl op.

Edited March 29, 2021 by Aetherr

[Guest littlebabyslittlespace]

Hmmm even if everything that has happened doesn't tell you that this isn't working, the fact you publicly called her an attention whore without her knowing says a lot to me   you need to think of what's best for you long term and what she can handle with distance between you both

[DerbyNerd]

I think it sounds like you need to have a BIG conversation as adults about what you want and need in the relationship. You have to do some work to know what you'd need to feel safe and secure and she probably needs to do some work on her self esteem and ability to say no. 

 

However there are a couple of things that stick out to me.

 

1. She said she had fallen out of love with you which to me indicates there is more of an issue than just distance so you probably need to explore what that is. I think you both need to have a hard think about WHY you want the relationship and what you are willing to put into it. 

2. She's 22 and you are 35 - you're stable in your life and she is at school. It may be that you are just in different places in life - not saying it can't work but just stands out to me as something that might be part of the issue. 

3. You publicly naming your partner and little an "attention whore" is kinda yucky behaviour, it feels like you've not got a lot of respect for her which doesn't seem very good for your relationship. 

 

Just my thoughts

[Vampiress]

If you know someone has basically been cheating and you choose to stick it out, then that means at some point you need to make the conscious decision to forgive and move on. If you never move past it you'll always have this problem and your relationship will be a shade of what it used to be. Your lack of trust in her and the actions you say she's made shows that she hasn't proven her trustworthiness to you. Has she even proven to you that she is able to love you again? Has she ever said she has fallen back in love with you? If not, then perhaps she likes the idea of having you around even if you don't mean the same thing to her anymore. It isn't fair of her to keep you around then. You need to ask yourself some really hard questions and really take a look at her behavior and the the things she says. Ultimately you two may just be better off as friends if you can handle being friends after a break up. Calling her an attention whore says a lot about how you feel and how she acts. She needs to grow up and figure out what she really wants and not string you and anyone else along. Sometimes we can really love and cherish a person and they can still be bad for us, and at that point you have to weigh your options and choose yourself first... because clearly she's not choosing you and your feelings first.